SCIENCE FRICTION

You don't need a Nobel Prize to work out that a nuclear power plant ought to have a safety backup system, that climate change is a problem worth discussing, and that—meteorologically speaking—it's likely to get cold in Canada in the winter.

TORONTARDED | DEC. 4, 2007

Canadians love to talk about the weather—always have, and always will. It's what we do. We have always been passionate about the weather, but we have never been hysterical about the weather, and certainly we have never been afraid of the weather. But suddenly, that seems to be changing.

At first, I thought this was a Toronto thing. Because when you move to Toronto you realize pretty quick that when it comes to the weather there are two parallel universes. There's what you hear about in the media, and then there's what you see out your window. You can wake up and turn on the news and see a lead story about a snowstorm that slammed the city, how there were three hundred accidents between 5 and 9 in the morning, how no flights took off. And the reporter on the scene is so panicked he sounds like he's reporting live from the bottom of a collapsed mine shaft. And you think, “Oh my God, I had no idea, those poor people.”

But then you realize: hang on, I'm in Toronto. And you look out the window and see there's three centimetres of snow on the ground and the kid on the street walking a dog is wearing a T-shirt.

There was no snowstorm. There was no weather bomb. There were flurries. And then it got windy and the entire city ground to a halt.

It's why I invented the word “Torontarded.” Comes in handy believe me. But before the rest of the country gets all cocky know this: weather hysteria is spreading across this nation like some sort of demented low-pressure system.

We don't have forecasts anymore, we have weathertainment. It's designed to scare the hell out of you. Cold weather and snow are now reported as though it was raining frogs or there was a plague of locusts out there. Problem is, cold weather is not a sign of a coming apocalypse. It's just business as usual in Canada. But tell that to the crowd at the Weather Network. If you listened to them for five minutes, you wouldn't leave the house for five months.

This is the true north strong and free, and cold, and wet, and icy, and dark—sometimes all at once. It's why God invented long johns. This is Canada. We have winter. Embrace it.

COME ON IN, THE WATER'S FINE | JAN. 15, 2008

Like most Canadians, I'm pretty ignorant when it comes to nuclear power plants. I mean, I know we have them. They seem to work. Other than that, it's all good. And for some reason I walk around having faith that the government, or someone, has a system in place to ensure that they're safe and they're up to date. After all, this is a country where you can't buy a hockey helmet unless it's got a CSA-approved sticker slapped on the sucker.

So I didn't like waking up in the morning and reading that a nuclear power plant in Chalk River that was built in 1957, when Diefenbaker was prime minister, had been closed because the people in charge hadn't bothered to install their legally required safety backup system. That's not a good story. That's a bad story. That's a heads-should-roll kind of story.

Now, normally in these situations the buck should stop with the minister in charge. That would be Gary Lunn, Minister of Natural Resources, who, as it turns out, knew four months ago that this plant didn't have a safety backup system and did absolutely nothing. That's not a problem according to Gary, because in his opinion the plant doesn't need one. And Gary should know. After all, this is a man who spent most of his professional life teaching public education courses on home renovation contracts. So, by all means, if you want to know if you should run your rain pipe down the left or right side of your house, call Gary. But other than that, everything this man knows about nuclear power he basically learned from reading a Spider-Man comic.

And then we have our prime minister, Stephen Harper. He blames the whole thing on the Liberals. And not because a Liberal didn't install the backup system, but because the woman who blew the whistle on the power plant was appointed by the Liberals. She's also an expert on nuclear power and the head of the Canadian Nuclear Safety Commission. And Stephen Harper, an economist by trade, now wants her fired.

Harper is like the mayor in Jaws saying, “We can't close the beach, it's the long weekend, the tourists are coming.” Except in this movie, the woman who stood up for Canada, the one who blew the whistle, is the one who might get eaten.

SCARED STUPID BY SCIENCE | FEB. 19, 2008

When twenty-year-old Ellen Page from Halifax got an Academy Award nomination for best actress, we all cheered. When our hockey team won gold at the World Juniors, we all cheered. You don't have to be a movie fan or a hockey fan to be moved by this stuff. You just have to be a Canadian.

And likewise, you don't have to be a genius to be very proud of the fact that Canadian scientists won the Nobel Peace Prize. I mean, this is the mother of all prizes. In fact, they gave one to Mother Teresa.

So what happened this past week when those winning Canadian scientists came to Parliament Hill for a reception in their honour with their Nobel Prize tucked beneath their arms? Prime Minister Harper, the guy whose job it is to represent us at these things, refused to attend. The Canadian cabinet refused to attend. And why? Because these scientists, who—I don't know if I've mentioned this or not—won the Nobel Peace Prize, had the gall to do it by formulating a plan to fight climate change. And my guess is it doesn't call for an increase in oil sands production. So as a result, not a single cabinet minister would cross the hall and shake the scientists' hands.

Now remember, this is the same government that just recently fired the national science adviser—a guy whose job it was to advise the prime minister and cabinet on all issues pertaining to science. They just didn't see the need for that guy. With this crowd, being a science adviser is a bit like being the Maytag repairman. The phone just doesn't ring.

What I want to know is: how did we get here? Canadian scientists gave humankind the polio vaccine. We discovered insulin. Heck—we even invented the Robertson screwdriver. And suddenly science is the new enemy.

I understand that in politics people and parties have enemies, and destroying your enemy is the name of the game. That's the way you win. But we cannot allow the government to declare war on knowledge, otherwise we all lose.

Unless of course they start passing out Nobel Prizes for idiocy.