The conversation between Maggie and Kate at dinner was stilted. Kate swirled her dinner around the plate while Maggie couldn’t help fidgeting with her napkin. When Andy came home, they were finishing up and although Kate’s mood had improved, Maggie couldn’t help but feel that Kate was purposely not including her. Her brother was being overly friendly and Maggie began to wonder whether there was something more going on between the two of them. It was none of her business, but Andy knew how Maggie felt about Kate. When she saw him touch Kate’s hand as he passed his plate for a second helping, she lost it.
Her chair screeched on the floor as she pushed it back and picked up her glass of wine, taking it into the living room. She turned on the TV and raised the volume up louder than she normally would. She knew she was behaving like a stroppy child, but Maggie didn’t want to hear them talking. When they joined her twenty minutes later, she was outwardly polite though her anger simmered insider her. She’d thought her brother was better than that. Knowing her feelings for Kate yet openly flirting with her right in front of Maggie. Wasn’t there some sort of sibling code, even if the feelings were not reciprocated?
When Kate had gone to bed, she took her brother outside and let her feelings be known. He was lucky she hadn’t punched him the way she had when they were kids and he’d pissed her off.
Andy had tried to calm things down. ‘I’m sorry, Maggie. I don’t know what the big deal is though. It’s not like she was ever going to go out with you, you know that. Kate said she talked to you.’
‘Fuck off, Andy. I see now why you told her about me. Trying to get in for yourself, were you?’ She shoved him and he grabbed her wrists. Not tightly, just enough to stop her from hitting him again.
‘Whoa! Where did that come from? Let’s go back inside and talk about this like adults. OK?’ Andy opened the door and looked over his shoulder.
Maggie followed him back into the living room and sat down. ‘I’m not even angry at you … well, I am a little bit and I know this is stupid and normally I don’t care but …’
‘Maggie, I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours.’
She turned and faced him. ‘Normally I don’t give two shits what people think of me, but I hate these feelings. I hate that people will judge me.’
‘What people? Judge you about what?’ Andy frowned.
‘Everyone! People I work with, people like Dad … Don’t you understand? I feel like I’ll never be accepted by him. What if I were to fall in love? Want to get married … to a woman. A father is supposed to walk his daughter down the aisle and that will never happen. My whole life I’ve felt like I’ve had to hide the real me from him. My own father doesn’t even know me.’ The tears had started.
‘Oh man. This has nothing to do with me and Kate, does it? I hate to see you like this, but I don’t understand. Kate is straight. You can’t be mad at me because Kate doesn’t fancy you.’
‘That’s just it.’ Her eyes pleaded with him to understand so she didn’t have to say it out loud.
‘You’ve lost me now.’ He shook his head.
‘Kate is untouchable. For me anyway. I want what I know I can’t have because it’s … safe. It means I don’t have to explore my own feelings. Open up to someone. Risk rejection.’ She wiped her eyes with her sleeve. ‘I’ve been out with men. Plenty of men. I enjoyed every one of my relationships with them – they just fizzled out. I never found the one and always wondered if it was because maybe I was looking in the wrong places. I didn’t pursue relationships with women, I experimented, as Dad would say, and any time I wanted to go further, it was like Dad was on my shoulder, shouting in my ear, “don’t you dare go there”. So, I didn’t.’ Maggie held a hand up. She didn’t want to go on.
Andy raised a brow. ‘C’mon, sis. You can tell me anything.’
‘What’s wrong with me, Andy? What the hell is wrong with me?’ She punched the cushion beside her.
Andy handed her a tissue and rubbed her back. ‘Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you. Your job and the current case you’re involved in is high pressure. You’re human. You have feelings. And guess what?’ He lifted her chin and forced her to look at him. ‘Not everyone is Dad.’