Jim Roland’s granny must have the strongest bladder in the history of bladders. It was thirty minutes into the game and she hadn’t budged. I was starting to panic.
‘Maybe she never goes to the loo. Maybe she’s a robot!’
‘She’s not a robot,’ Walker said with great authority. ‘If she was I’d know. Fact.’
‘We need a distraction,’ Charlie said as she put on her Darth Vader mask.
‘What kind of distraction?’ Walker asked.
‘We could kick out one of the exposed pipes and flood the loos?’ she suggested. That idea sounded pretty sinister coming from Darth Vader.
‘Oh, right, you mean add destroying property to the many other criminal acts on our ever-growing CV,’ Walker said. ‘Maybe we should just set the place on fire while we’re at it.’
‘OK, maybe you’re right,’ she said. ‘I’ve a better idea.’ Of course she did. ‘One of you tell her there’s a leak in the toilet. When she goes to investigate, we’ll lock her in there.’
‘How?’ Johnny J said.
‘There’s a key for the toilets beside the till. Roland locks them up every night so that poor people or freaks don’t move in and live there.’ It was a good idea. Charlie Eastman was born to be a criminal.
‘Live in a public poo?’ Walker said, aghast.
‘Yeah,’ she said, nodding sadly. ‘Some people have terrible lives.’
Living in a jail cell must be as bad if not worse than living in a loo, I thought. My stomach started to churn. Pull it together, Jeremy!
‘I like it,’ Johnny J said before he looked to me. ‘Well? Jeremy? What do you think?’
‘Yeah,’ I said, ‘it’s good.’ At that point anything was better than hiding on a grass verge with paint melting off our faces on account of the unusually hot sun. Besides, it was a good plan. In fact, it was deadly. I really wished I’d thought of it.
‘So who’s going to tell her the toilets are broken?’ Charlie asked. She couldn’t, for obvious reasons.
‘I’ll do it, Vader,’ Johnny J said, and Charlie grinned. She liked being called Vader. That was something to worry about as far as I was concerned.
‘No,’ I said, ‘I’ll do it.’
But Johnny J fought me. ‘It’s for my mam, Jeremy.’
I nodded. ‘OK, here’s the new plan: Johnny J goes into the garage and tells Jim Roland’s granny the loos are leaking. He brings her across to the toilets. As he’s moving around to the back of yard, Vader and I move in. Vader grabs the key and gives it to me, I run around and pass the key to Johnny J so he can lock Jim Roland’s granny in the loo and Vader grabs the money in the till and the money in the back room of the shop.’
‘What about me?’ Sumo said.
‘You’re still on the door.’
‘That’s it?’
‘That’s it.’
‘And Walker?’
‘He’s still on lookout here.’
‘All right then,’ Sumo said, before confirming, ‘I just stand there at the door.’
‘Yeah, but you’ll have the spray and the walkie-talkie. If Walker alerts you that some big burly man is on his way in before we’re done, you have to spray him.’
He nodded as he felt the can in his inside pocket, but it was clear he was not happy. ‘It’s so mean,’ he said under his breath.
‘Remember to spray him, not yourself,’ Walker added, and laughed to himself. No one else laughed. We were too nervous. As we were leaving I handed Walker the walkie-talkie.
‘Good luck,’ he said, before adding, ‘Do not mess this up or I will kill you.’
He was serious. I believed him. If any one of us could be a killer, my money was on Walker.
As I scrambled over the grass verge and crossed the road to Rolands’ Garage, I remember thinking, This is it. After today I’ll be a robber. My heart sank in my chest and I really, really wanted to cry.
Walker tested the walkie-talkie set as we made our way across. Despite making fun of us he must have liked the idea of code names, because he came up with two very quickly.
‘Cash, this is Tango, do you receive? Over.’fn1
‘…’
‘Cash? Come in, Cash.’
Sumo stared at the walkie-talkie before pressing on the button. ‘Hello, Tango, er, this is Sumo. I think you’ve got the wrong number.’
Walker sighed deeply. ‘This is Walker. Tango is my handle, Cash is yours. Over.’ I want to say I thought the handle names Tango and Cash were uncool, but I can’t. They were very cool. I was beginning to regret Brown Bear.
‘Oh,’ Sumo said, but he looked confused.
‘Just answer to Cash. OK? Over,’ Walker said.
Charlie, Sumo and I waited around the side of the garage. She held the three bags, one inside the other, while Johnny J led Jim Roland’s granny out of the garage shop and around the back to the toilets.
From across the road and lying on the grass verge on his stomach, Walker watched us all through the binoculars and held the walkie-talkie close to his lips. ‘The Eagle has landed. Over,’ he said.
‘What eagle?’
‘Oh, come on, Sumo. The granny is in the loo. Over.’
‘The granny is in the loo,’ Sumo repeated, and Charlie and I ran as fast as our legs could carry us into the empty shop. Sumo stood at the door, holding the can out, like a gun in a gangster film. Charlie grabbed the key from beside the till and threw it to me. I ran out and handed it to Johnny J, who stepped away from Jim Roland’s granny, who was bent over the toilet.
‘I can’t see anything, love.’
The door slammed and Johnny J turned the key, locking the door.
‘Eh, I think the door is stuck, love. Love? Eh? Hello? Love? The door might be stuck?’ Jim Roland’s granny started banging on the toilet door as we ran into the shop.
Charlie had already emptied the till into her bag. There wasn’t enough cash in the till to fill one bag. She ran to the back room.
At the door, Sumo bounced up and down in one spot like he was desperate for the loo. ‘Any sign of anything, Tango? Over,’ he said, and Walker responded.
‘All clear, Cash. Over.’
Sumo kept checking the can to make sure that it was pointing outwards and not toward his face.
I followed Charlie into the back. The cash box was open, so she didn’t need to break into it, but there wasn’t that much money in it. Just a few fifty notes, a couple of twenties and some tens. Nothing like the amount we’d expected. She stuffed it in the bag and handed us the two empty bags. Then Charlie looked at me, and even though she had a Darth Vader mask on, I could tell she was scared. I saw actual fear in her eyes.
‘If we leave here with this money, there’s no going back. We’re robbers,’ she said, and I gulped hard, my stomach flipped and I nodded. Tears filled her eyes. ‘OK,’ she said.
‘OK,’ I said, and I wanted to hug her, but just for a moment. On the way out she didn’t lift up the countertop. Instead she just jumped over it. Show-off.