My dad and I both swallowed hard and followed the detectives into a small grey room. We sat down opposite them.
‘He didn’t mean that,’ Dad said.
‘Did you?’ the older one with ear hair said.
‘It was me,’ I said, mesmerised by his ear hair.fn1
‘Stop saying that,’ Dad said.
‘Why don’t we take it from the start?’ the younger fella with fangs said.
So I told them the story of the Fearless Five. I talked about Johnny J’s mam and how sick she was. I told them how the Irish medical system was failing her but the American one was brilliant.
Detective Earhair looked at his notes. ‘Yes, a Mrs Shanley mentioned America in her statement.’
‘Who is Mrs Shanley?’ my dad asked.
‘Tulsi’s neighbour, old dear …’ Detective Earhair said.
‘Owner of approximately fifteen cats,’ Detective Fangs said.fn2
‘We just wanted to save her, and they can do that in America,’ I said, and my dad sighed deeply and grabbed my hand in his.
‘Who told you that?’ Detective Earhair asked.
‘Walker?’
‘Is that the little fella?’ he asked, looking at his notes.
‘He’s very smart,’ I said. I explained how he’d won the Young Scientist award for his older sister, but they weren’t interested in that.
‘Let’s stick to the robberies,’ Detective Earhair said.
I talked them through the two robberies, the letter, the ticket, the escape and our time in Wexford. When I finished, my dad was flabbergasted.
‘You did all that for Mrs Tulsi?’ my dad asked.
‘And Johnny J,’ I said.
‘Ah, son,’ he said. ‘Ah now, isn’t that something?’ he said to the two men in front of him. He looked as if he wanted to cry or something. He squeezed my hand. He didn’t seem angry any more.
‘Yeah, it is,’ Detective Fangs said. ‘It’s robbery, aggravated assault and battery.’
‘Ah fair cop to the robbery, but who was assaulted and battered?’ my dad said.
‘They tied up a security guard, held him down and threatened him with pepper spray,’ Detective Fangs said.
‘Where did you get the pepper spray?’ Detective Earhair asked, and I looked at my dad and he went purple.
‘My wife got it in America,’ Dad said.
‘Do you know that’s illegal in Ireland, Mr Finn?’ Detective Fangs said to my dad.
‘Eh, no. We had no idea,’ my dad said. He’s a very bad liar.
‘Sorry, Dad.’
‘That’s OK, son.’
‘The assault and battery charges are also for locking Mrs Roland into the toilets.’
‘That’s hardly assault and battery!’ my dad said.
‘It’s OK, Dad,’ I said. ‘I’ll do my time.’
‘You will not. It’ll be all right, son. Your dad’s sorting this one.’ He winked at me and I was so relieved.
‘Thanks, Dad,’ I said, and a tear slid down my face. I swore I would stop crying after that day. If I escaped detention I’d be going into secondary school in September! Come on, Jeremy. Crying has to stop!
‘Where is this letter you say that Johnny J sent?’ Detective Earhair said.
‘I dunno. We posted it days ago.’
‘Get on that?’ he said to Detective Fangs, who nodded and took a note of it.
‘Jeremy, do you realise how serious this all is?’ Detective Earhair said.
‘I do,’ I said, and I was crying again.
‘Have you ever stolen before?’ he asked.
‘NEVER!’
‘Are you planning on stealing again?’
‘NEVER, EVER!’ I said.
Detective Earhair nodded to himself and took some notes. ‘This is very serious,’ he said, and he shook his head sadly.
I felt my stomach lurch, then my insides heat up and it came like a wave. I put my hands to my mouth and tried to hold it in, but the vomit slipped through my fingers and gushed onto the desk. Detective Fangs was up and out of his seat in a second. Detective Earhair didn’t move. He just sighed and looked at my horrified father.
‘Well, the good news is that this fella won’t make any kind of criminal. He doesn’t have the stomach for it.’
My dad nodded and grabbed a hankie from his pocket and wiped vomit from his shoes.