Reader, you hold in your hands my combination Pregnancy-Pandemic NovelTM, which I wrote a few months before my other books (namely The Atlas Six, written under my adult pseudonym, Olivie Blake) went viral and my son was born. In these pages lives my anxiety from the long months of fear and isolation, the physical pain of two trimesters with debilitating sciatica and carpal tunnel (and a frankly ungodly consumption of potatoes), and the small, sustaining glimpses of optimism I clung to whilst healing my inner child, reliving the nostalgic camp of early 2000s high school Shakespeare retellings, and paying homage to the fandom communities that gave me my creative start. Writing this book was like passing a kidney stone. As the poet James Acaster once said: started making it, had a breakdown. Bon appétit!
Huge amounts of gratitude to my agent, Amelia Appel, who was such a champion for this story during its somewhat arduous search for a home, and to my editorial team at Tor Teen and Macmillan Children’s, Lindsey Hall and Aislyn Fredsall in the US and Emma Jones and Charlie Castelletti in the UK, who cared so unfailingly about the impetus of a story that often defied marketable narrative structures. When I told them (lightly paraphrased), “Okay, so I know that romance novels are supposed to have defined action beats and I’m taking too long with each character, it’s just that this story is really about anger and who is allowed to feel it, so ultimately the romance is the cherry on top of two characters’ coming of age rather than being, you know, The Whole Point—hahaha that’s fine, right?” Lindsey, Emma, Aislyn, and Charlie were not only amenable, they were compassionately supportive. I could not have asked for a better team.
Long before I was lucky enough to be embraced by the communities of BookTwt, Bookstagram, and BookTok, there was Tumblr, FFN, and AO3. The communities of fandom offered me so much, from close friendship to creative support to genuine connection. I was a fan fiction writer before I was any sort of conventional novelist, and I will eternally credit fanfic with my understanding of character work and emotional arcs. Aside from my gratitude to the medium itself, I am also undyingly thankful to the women who have read my work so enthusiastically over the years, many of whom also contributed to this book’s research—in this case, anecdotes about gendered behaviors in gaming and RPGs (some of the microaggressions Vi faces are way too real!).
And, of course, I cannot understate the significance of fandom bringing me Little Chmura, my artistic collaborator and friend. Chmura, thank you always for your presence (and your beautiful end pages), without which I sincerely do not think I would be sitting here saying any of this.
While I am on the subject of art, thank you to my cover illustrator, the spectacular Jacqueline Li, and cover designer Lesley Worrell. Make some noise for the blade to the throat! What a perfect cover.
I had a few different muses and consultants for this book. Thank you to Dillon Follmuth for your expertise regarding Jack’s physical therapy regimen. (The injury itself was actually based on my husband’s tenure as an All-State running back, but in Mr. Nine Knee Surgeries’ case, not much happened in the realm of actual healing.) Thank you to Krishna and James Farol-Schenck for keeping me as accurate as possible in my made-up versions of DnD and MMORPGs. Thank you to Zac Drake for the finer programming details when it came to gaming. Thank you to my sisters, Kayla Barnett and Mackenzie Nelson (lol, I love you both), and to Marta Miguelena, for the use of their names in what is very much, I promise, total fiction.
Thank you to David Howard, my very best friend. While David and I have always been completely platonic, many of the moments Jack and Vi share in this book are based on conversations David and I had while attending our (then) very white, upper-middle-class high school. I often riff on my memories of David in fiction, but this particular set of character qualities was definitely an homage to one of the kindest men I’ve ever known. David, much of what I know about love comes from loving and being loved by you. I’m so grateful I get to be alive at the same time as you, and I’m honored to be of your species.
Everything else I know about love comes from Garrett, my eternal muse. I won’t make too much of a fuss—you’ve heard it all before and you’ll hear it again (threat!). Thank you to my family; to my mom; to everyone in my life who is so unendingly supportive. Thank you to Stacie, this book’s first reader and most ardent supporter. One of the very finest things I ever got from fandom was the honor of calling you my friend. Thank you to my ever-supportive friends Angela, Nacho and Ana, Lauren Schrey, Lauren Myerscough-Mueller, and the wee babes I hope will get some use out of this story someday—Theo, Eli, Harry, Miles, Eve, and Andi. Thank you to talented authors Arya Shahi, an early reader, and Tracy Deonn, friends who generally help keep me sane (or whatever). Thank you to Henry, my squishiest boy, the light of my life. Doing my best to write down everything I know about life for you. (The secret is Mommy’s making it up as she goes!)
And finally, to you, Reader, for being here. If you’re the kind of person who feels angry all the time but you don’t feel like you’re allowed to be, I see you. If all the wrongs committed against you are too small and too infinite to be properly put into words, I believe you. Be kind to yourself, be good to your mind, be gentle with your heart. As always, it’s an honor to put down these words for you, and I hope you’ve enjoyed the story.
xx Alexene