The grubbiest galaxy in the Entire Known Universe, and Beyond
THWUMP!
A pair of stonkingly filthy space boots walloped down onto the garbage control desk of the spaceship Toxic Spew. They were full of Chief Rubbish Officer Scrummage’s feet. Which, in all honesty, were even more revoltingly filthy than his boots. And even smellier than the spaceship. And that says a lot.
‘Captain!’ protested Senior Engineering Officer Gizmo. ‘Must we put up with such slobby manners on the command bridge?’ He sneered arrogantly down his hooked nose at his fellow officer. ‘He’s smearing grime all over the surface!’
As a matter of fact, it was more that Scrummage’s boots were mixing new grime with the disgusting cocktail of grease and muck that already covered the garbage desk – and, frankly, every other surface, corner and inch of the ship as well. But hey, let’s not be picky about this. Anyhow, it was a greenish slimy grime and I don’t even want to think about where it might have come from.
To be fair, Chief Rubbish Officer Scrummage was, at the same time, also operating a bit of very complicated, high-tech, galaxy-class space equipment – a vacuum cleaner.
Because the Toxic Spew is the plucky little rubbish ship whose five-year mission is to collect all the intergalactic garbage from Galaxy 43b. It’s a hopeless task because that particular far-flung corner of the universe is littered with space trash and is unimaginably filthy.
(No, listen, you’re from Earth, so I bet you’ve never even left your planet on a day trip into outer space. So you have no idea what it’s like in the rest of the universe, have you?
This’ll help – imagine your home was in space, and you chucked all your waste out of the window – and I mean all of it – even the stuff that goes down the loo. Gross.
Now you can picture Galaxy 43b.
It’s officially the grubbiest galaxy in the Entire Known Universe, and Beyond.
And Guess what – the Toxic Spew is officially the grubbiest spaceship in the Entire Known Universe, and Beyond.
And don’t even ask about the crew.)
Scrummage was busily – no, make that lazily and sloppily – operating the ship’s Ultrawave 3.2 Vacuum Pump and sucking up a pool of grossly gloopy space glop that was slurping around just in front of the ship. It was a dead easy job and a bit boring, so Scrummage had set the pump controls to Super Nova Nozzle Plus and flicked it on to Auto-Suck, and he didn’t see why he shouldn’t put his filthy feet up on his filthy control desk and relax at the same time.
‘Like a bit of extra dirt’s going to make a difference!’ snorted Pilot Officer Maxie from the flight controls and grinning at the captain from under her multi-coloured fringe.
The grubbiest spaceship in the Entire Known Universe, and Beyond
Captain Harvey Drew looked around the repulsively grubby command bridge of the little Class 4 Intergalactic Garbage Ship. The deck and control desks were littered with, well, litter – chocolate wrappers, pizza crusts, rotting apple cores and something that looked as though it might have once been a lump of gherkin. But then again, it might not.
The surfaces were all generously coated with sticky grunge, and sweaty black mould grew on the walls. It was gross. Frankly, it was beyond gross. In all his eleven years he’d never seen anything so revolting.
(I should probably explain that when I say ‘In all his eleven years’ I don’t mean he’s been a spaceship captain for eleven years. It’s that Harvey is eleven.
You’re probably wondering how an eleven-year-old boy gets to be captain of a spaceship.
I haven’t got time to explain that right now.
Sorry.)
‘Anyhow what does it matter as long as Scrummage is doing his job?’ added Maxie. She only said it to wind Gizmo up. It worked. His turquoise eyes glared at her from under his white eyebrows and his purple face turned pale lilac. It didn’t suit him.
(It might interest you to know, that on Planet Zeryx Minor, which is the home planet of officers Gizmo, Maxie and Scrummage, everyone has multi-coloured hair, turquoise eyes and purple skin.
But then again, given how little you Earth folks get out and about in outer space, it probably won’t interest you at all.
Honestly, what are you like?)
‘Maxie’s right,’ said Harvey, brushing his floppy red hair out of his eyes and leaning forward in the tatty black captain’s chair. Through the huge vision screens at the front of the bridge, he watched the giant hose of the vacuum pump slurping away and sucking up the space glop. ‘As long as the job’s getting done.’
‘Yup!’ said Scrummage smugly, with his feet still on the desk and his huge belly straining his overalls to breaking point. ‘It’ll soon be finished.’
But then again, maybe it wouldn’t. Because suddenly
WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!
all the alarms on the garbage desk went off.