Gloomy, grumpy and grouchy on the bridge
‘Bad dog!’ cried Yargal as Snuffles slunk off with his prize. ‘Spit, Snuffles, Spit!’ she ordered.
‘DROP!’ bellowed Scrummage. ‘DROP!!!’
Snuffles gently spat the little alien onto the deck. Then he tenderly nudged Gordon with his nose, and licked him again. The little Gordonzola rubbed its tiny pink and purple face against the hound’s huge hairy face.
The Hazard Hunting Hound from Canine Major thumped his tail happily and promptly adopted Gordon. He’d always wanted puppies.
Scrummage and Yargal sighed in relief.
For the next few hungry hours, everyone kept moaning about their empty bellies – except Harvey who was trying to lead by example. It wasn’t working. Eventually, he had to threaten to fine anyone for using any of the following words:
• starving,
• ravenous,
• famished,
• peckish,
• nibble,
• munch,
• crunch,
• slurp and … actually, the list was endless, but you get the picture.
Eventually, when there was absolutely no chance of anything for supper and Scrummage had resorted to licking the food-splattered walls of the galley, the crew sloped off to bed hungry and gloomy.
The next morning they woke up even more hungry and gloomy. Not to mention grumpy and grouchy, crabby and cranky, oh, and surly and snappy. They sprawled pathetically in their seats on the command bridge, groaning wretchedly.
(Since you’ve never been on a spaceship, let alone stuck on one for years on end, you probably can’t really grasp the vital importance of meals.
Breaking up the deadly boring routine of collecting intergalactic garbage, they’re the high points of the mission.
Which, given Yargal’s cooking, says a lot about how much interplanetary bin men enjoy their work.
Tragic, isn’t it?)
Dangerously close to mutiny on the bridge
As captain of the Highford All Stars, Harvey knew all about food moods. Or rather ‘lack of food’ moods as he called them. So he always kept a stash of chocolate bars in his kit bag to boost everyone at half-time. And this morning, at breakfast time, he’d handed out the last of the jellybeans from the machine in his quarters. There were five and a half jellybeans each.
There was ages still to go until they got to Waitless, and the famished bridge crew were nearly at breaking point.
Harvey knew he had to take their minds off their empty bellies. Which was a sizeable challenge – especially for Scrummage. So he got the crew to list everything they needed from Waitless.
Scrummage’s list was the longest: as in ‘it was the longest list in the history of the Entire Known Universe, and Beyond’. It was all food.
Here’s just a tiny bit of it:
• … pickles,
• mozzarella,
• garlic crisps,
• hot dogs,
• cake with melted chocolate topping,
• BBQ sauce,
• chocolate chip cookies,
• ice cream (strawberry, vanilla, chocolate, honeycomb and toffee crunch),
• coco star pops,
• scorchios …
‘What are “scorchios”?’ asked Harvey.
‘Super-hot chilli-coated crunchy cereal,’ explained Yargal.
Yeowch! thought Harvey. Talk about a hot breakfast!
Yargal’s list was definitely the most surprising:
• kitchen roll,
• loo roll,
• goo-resistant plasters,
and
• a new broom handle.
‘The Toxic Spew has a broom?’ asked Harvey, gobsmacked. ‘And someone’s actually used it?!’
‘Don’t be silly,’ laughed Maxie. ‘Gizmo broke it whacking Scrummage,’ and grinning broadly, she handed Harvey her list.
At the top of Maxie’s list, and in big letters, was the Retro Look Flash Intergalactic 2000 Steering Wheel, followed by lots of sweets and snacks:
• supanova supasour supasucker gobstoppers,
• space raider crisps,
• double choc space munchies,
• chewy Jupiter jelly mix,
and
• fizzy alien guts (red ones).
‘Alien guts?!’ cried Harvey, disgusted.
‘Yeah, they’re slippery, gooey, gungy, rubbery, fruity strings.’
‘Yuk!’ said Harvey
‘Yup!’ grinned Maxie.
Gizmo’s list included twenty-one bits for the ship, which, to Harvey’s alarm, he said were absolutely vital to stop the Toxic Spew falling apart in mid space. And an Anger Ball for Scrummage.
‘Does Scrummage actually want an Anger Ball?’ asked Harvey.
‘I doubt it. But I’m going to throw it at him and make him angry, anyway,’ replied Gizmo.
‘No,’ said Harvey firmly. ‘You are not,’ and he deleted it.
It won’t surprise you to know that Harvey’s list was the most useful:
• protective suit for Snuffles,
• learn how to cook book for Yargal,
• basic spaceship manual,
and
• a dictionary of space illnesses.
(It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Yargal as Medical Officer to keep him healthy, it was more that he didn’t trust Yargal not to accidentally kill him – especially with her cooking.)
But Harvey couldn’t distract his hungry crew for long and by mid morning, with no proper breakfast, no chance of elevenses, and don’t even ask about lunch, they were dangerously close to mutiny!
‘Flickering spew! I can’t take this any more!’ whimpered Scrummage.
‘Neither can I!’ groaned Gizmo.
‘We’d be there by now if we’d taken the shortcut through the black hole,’ muttered Maxie darkly. ‘This is crazy!’
‘This is torture!’ growled Gizmo.
‘This is agony!’ howled Scrummage.
‘Pull yourselves together, all of you!’ snapped Harvey irritably. ‘This is ridiculous!’
‘No,’ retorted Maxie, pushing up her sleeves and glaring at him challengingly. ‘This is mutiny!’