Chapter Eleven

Interstellar Scenic Highway Z98

Maxie wasn’t kidding – it really was the scenic route. Had Harvey and the crew not been so hungry they might have pulled over in a hyperspace lay-by to enjoy the view. It was stunning. But then most of the Entire Known Universe, and Beyond, is pretty awesome.

(It might be helpful to explain that the Lesser Spotted Nebula, and the mighty Greater Megon Belt are both major tourist attractions in Galaxy 43b. Parking can be a bit tricky at peak times.

To be honest, the two dwarf planets, Caloris Major and Caloris Lite, are a bit ordinary. I mean, once you’ve seen it raining diamonds, well you’ve seen it, haven’t you? Oh, and by the way, the toilets there are a bit basic so I suggest you bring your own paper. And a disinfectant spray. And a really strong hand cleaner.

But the multiple Moons of Dorus are breathtaking and well worth a visit – well, that’s if your tiny little planet ever figures out how to go a bit further than your very own little moon.

Honestly, you have no idea what you’re missing.)

As the Toxic Spew meandered it’s way along the Interstellar Scenic Highway Z98, heading for the intergalactic super store, Waitless, Harvey added ‘new hydrosonic hyperdrive lever’ to the shopping list. Not long after, he had to add ‘roll of electrical wire’ to the list as well. Gordon had wriggled his way into the engineering desk and treated himself to a good chew.

BZZZZZZ, DZZZZZ, CRACKLE!

went the desk as bare wires collided and sparks shot out from the controls, and

‘AAAAARGH! OI! YEEOOWCH!’

went Gizmo as he ducked the sparks, grabbed Gordon and got a mega painful sting from his tail.

(It might interest you to know that a baby Gordonzola, despite being one of the adorably cutest, fubzy-wubzyist little aliens in the Entire Known Universe, and Beyond, has a sting in its tail that measures 13.4 megahurts on the Pangalactic Pain Scale.

But since you’re not likely to ever meet one, maybe you don’t care?

Gizmo does.)

Gizmo promptly dropped Gordon onto the deck with a yelp.

‘Careful! You’ll hurt him,’ cried Scrummage dashing over to pick him up. ‘It’s not his fault – you scared him.’

‘He’s eating the wires!’ erupted Gizmo.

‘He’s teething!’ cried Scrummage protectively, cuddling the baby alien.

‘Well, he can go and teethe somewhere else!’ snapped Gizmo, nursing his throbbing hand.

Scrummage sat the Gordonzola on his lap. Blimey, it’s a good job Gordon’s small. Scrummage’s belly sticks out so much there’s hardly any lap left. Maxie looked at Harvey and rolled her eyes.

Another bad game plan

There were still a gazillion mega-miles to go to get to Waitless and even Harvey was struggling with hunger now. So he asked the computer if it had any games they could play.

‘Games?!’ cried the computer. ‘Are you kidding? I am a galaxy-class 75b SpaceCorp computer with a CosmicCore processor and 215 megatronbyte boogle memory – of course I have games! I don’t like to brag, but I’m programmed with the top ten all-time best-selling games in the Entire Known Universe, and Beyond. I’ll just pick one at random.’

Excellent, thought Harvey and sat back in his seat expectantly.

‘I spy with my little eye something beginning with S,’ said the computer.

‘Space,’ chorused the rest of the crew wearily.

‘How did you guess?’ it cried.

‘It’s always space,’ they moaned.

‘That’s not true!’ huffed the computer. ‘Sometimes it’s G. G for …’

‘Garbage,’ they groaned.

‘Or F. F for …’

‘Filth,’ they droned.

‘Well, don’t blame me,

a) I didn’t choose the mission, and

b) you’re bin men, so what did you expect?’

it finished and bleeped off in a sulk.

Waitless ahead!

Finally, hours and hours later, the crew, now almost fainting with hunger, neared the I.S.S. Waitless.

Harvey watched as the intergalactic super store loomed closer. It looked like a motorway service station but inside a massive snow globe shaker. (Without the snow, obviously. It doesn’t snow in space.) In the centre of the complex, dozens of docking bays sat between a fuel station on one side, and a super store on the other. A giant see-through hangar covered it completely.

Scrummage crawled to the front vision screen and pressed his nose against it pathetically. ‘Food!’ he whimpered weakly, ‘FOOD!’

As they neared the enormous see-through hangar doors, Harvey suddenly panicked that they wouldn’t open and the plucky little intergalactic garbage ship would slam into them, shattering the plasti-glass into thousands of tiny shards that would spiral off across the galaxy.

(Technically speaking, he needn’t have worried. Plasti-glass is unbreakable so it would have been the Toxic Spew, not the hangar doors, that would have shattered into thousands of tiny shards and spiralled off across the galaxy.

Or, come to think of it, maybe he wasn’t worrying enough?)

‘Er, Maxie …’ he said worriedly as the gap closed to about 100 metres and the doors still hadn’t opened.

Maxie was busy setting the controls to STANDBY AUTO-PARK. ‘Hang on a mo,’ she said, not looking up.

‘But Maxie!’ he warned more urgently, as the gap closed to about 10 metres.

‘MAXIE!’ he screamed as the gap closed to 1 metre.