The top ten most deadly garbage pests in the Entire Known Universe, and Beyond
THWACK SPLAT, THWACK SPLAT!
Harvey woke to find Yargal slapping him soggily across the face with her slimy tentacles. Yuk!
THWACK SPLAT!
‘YEOWCH! OK, OK, STOP! I’m awake!’ cried Harvey, hurriedly struggling to his feet. Quickly he told Yargal about the invasion of Junk Skunks.
The Medical Officer gasped and one of her tentacles flew to her mouth in terror!
‘They’re in the top ten most dangerous garbage pests in the Entire Known Universe, and Beyond!’ she shuddered, going a very pale green.
(She’s right, they are.
They’re at number four. If this is the sort of thing that interests you, then you can find a list of the top ten most deadly garbage pests in the Entire Known Universe, and Beyond, in the manual at the back of the book.
No, not now!
We’re in the middle of a story, for crying out loud.)
‘We’ll have to get Scrummage to sickbay immediately!’ exclaimed Yargal, wrapping two of her tentacles under his arms and trying to pick him up. No chance.
Harvey tried taking the legs end, and they both tried. But again, no chance.
In the end Harvey had to radio Nerdie to come and help. He warned Gizmo and Maxie that there was a pack of Junk Skunks loose on the ship at the same time.
‘Stay on the bridge,’ he ordered. ‘And see if you can lock the doors.’
Lock the doors!
It won’t surprise you to know that
a) Gizmo instantly assumed command of the command bridge, and
b) promptly blamed Harvey.
‘If he hadn’t insisted on collecting the garbage from the I.S.S. we wouldn’t have vacuumed them onto the ship in the first place,’ he sniffed scornfully.
‘Yes, it’s all his fault,’ agreed the computer.
‘The Junk Skunks were clearly the reason why Waitless was abandoned,’ added Gizmo.
‘He’s a hopeless captain if you ask me,’ said the computer.
‘No, he’s not, and we didn’t ask you,’ snapped Maxie. Her bright turquoise eyes glittered dangerously.
‘Oooo-oooh! Someone’s in a snippy mood,’ retorted the computer.
‘And,’ carried on Gizmo pompously, ignoring Maxie, ‘if he hadn’t ignored the Intergalactic Travel and Transport Pact rules and regulations regarding …’
Maxie butted in heatedly. ‘When you two have quite finished trashing Harvey do you think you could spare the time to help me figure out how to lock the doors so the command bridge won’t be overrun by a bunch of deadly poison-gas-farting garbage aliens, forcing Gizmo and me to die a disgustingly gross and gruesome death?!’
There was a nano-beat as Gizmo took this in. Then he cried ‘Good idea!’ and frantically starting searching the engineering desk for the door controls.
Maxie rolled her eyes, sighed heavily, pushed up her sleeves and went over to help him.
‘Do you actually know what you’re doing?’
‘Um … no,’ confessed Gizmo, frowning. But that wasn’t going to stop him.
Maxie pointed to a row of green and red switches along the top.
‘What do those do?’
‘No idea,’ said Gizmo, busily switching them all ON and OFF and accidentally turning on the windscreen wipers on all three vision screens.
SCHWIP, SCHWOP, SCHWIP, SCHWOP!
‘Oh, good grief,’ groaned Maxie. ‘What do these do?’ she continued, indicating a series of large orange buttons.
‘Haven’t a clue,’ said Gizmo, pounding away at them feverishly and turning the Toxic Spew’s headlights on to FULL BEAM and its fog lights on to METEOR SMOG MODE.
‘And that?’ asked Maxie, indicating a large yellow dial.
‘Who knows?’ said Gizmo, instantly grabbing it and yanking it round to HIGH. Rock music instantly blared out around the bridge followed by a jaunty jingle: ‘Radio Galaxy Forty-three-Beeee-eeee!’
‘Well obviously, not you!’ snapped Maxie cranking the dial to OFF. ‘Computer? Do you know how to lock the doors to the command bridge?’ she yelled.
‘Yes, thank you,’ it replied smugly.
‘WELL, LOCK THE DOORS!’ bellowed Maxie and Gizmo furiously.
‘Did I hear a please?’ asked the computer.
‘I’m warning you …’ snarled Maxie menacingly.
Lights flickered on and off the computer’s console then there was a soft
CLUNK!
and a red sign above the doors lit up. It read
LOCKED
‘Thank you,’ said Maxie.
‘My pleasure,’ replied the computer sarcastically and bleeped off.