More speed!
Meanwhile Yargal was merrily slapping Maxie with her soggy tentacles.
THWACK SPLAT!
THWACK SPLAT!
It wasn’t a medically approved method – but it seemed to work. Maxie’s eyes flickered open.
THWACK SPLAT!
went Yargal once more, just for luck.
‘Ow!’ yelped Maxie. ‘Pack it in!’ Then, looking around the bridge, still dazed, she suddenly realised Harvey was at the flight desk. ‘What are you doing?’ she screamed, struggling to sit up.
‘Flying the ship!’ replied Harvey coolly.
‘But you don’t know how to!’ she exclaimed, scrambling to her feet.
‘No, but I’m working on it.’
Maxie tried to stand, but her legs buckled under her.
(She actually said a very rude word, which I am shocked to find she even knows, and no, I’m not going to say what it was.)
Feverishly flicking switches and fiddling with dials, Harvey put the ship’s manifold magnetos to FULL, slid the sideways booster thrusters to ON, turned up the turbo anti-torque throttles and let out the cyclic clutch and pitch control lever.
(Or something equally impressive. And no, I don’t know how to fly the ship either).
Then he confidently grasped the flight control stick and boldly yanked it to the left. To everyone’s relief (and total amazement) the Toxic Spew began to veer slowly left, and edge away from the spaceberg!
‘Congratulations, Captain!’ cried the computer. ‘We’re going to miss the spaceberg after all! Well done!
‘Wait! Oh no, we’re not. We’re just going to clip the edge and completely explode on impact! Oh, bad luck, sir! Hey ho, cheerio everyone!’ it finished, gobsmackingly tactlessly.
‘More speed!’ yelled Maxie to Harvey.
Harvey cranked the controls from FAST to VERY FAST, still hauling the joystick, and the ship itself, hard left.
They held their breath, eyes fixed on the vast front vision as the Toxic Spew juuuuust slipped past the massive spaceberg with a nano-smidge to spare! Maxie watched mega impressed, and supa-mega relieved, as Harvey steered the ship safely off into outer space.
‘Captain, that was AWESOME!’ she announced, and Harvey grinned at her.
Gobsmacking greed
Yargal had started happily doing the THWACK, SPLAT! routine on Gizmo. At which point Scrummage arrived on the bridge. He was feeling much better and immediately offered to help by giving Gizmo a really hard slap, or two.
‘No,’ said Harvey firmly, as Maxie snorted with laughter and rolled her eyes.
And then, as soon as Gizmo had recovered, Yargal slid off to make everyone a celebratory pizza.
So, a short while later, they all sat on the command bridge of the Toxic Spew munching pizzas while Nerdie made them all coffee.
Much to everyone’s surprise, Maxie was actually letting Harvey pilot the ship. She’d carefully plotted the route for him to follow, avoiding the black hole, three speed cameras, two sets of traffic lights, the one-way system, and a dead end.
They were contentedly heading back to Waitless. Partly because they were meeting InterPlanetary Pest Control there but mostly because the manager of the intergalactic super store had said they could have anything they liked from the shop as payment for removing the Junk Skunks and emptying the garbage. I repeat: anything they liked. What an idiot.
(Please don’t read this list. It’s gobsmackingly greedy.
Maxie upgraded the flight desk with a brand new multi-coloured cybersonic jump drive control.
Gizmo wanted a talking repair kit that tells you which tool to choose and how to use it, and a Cosmic Spanner 7017 (an unbreakable all-in-one spanner, screwdriver, pen and spoon).
Scrummage chose food – starting with biggest bag of Hot Chilli Space Chips, not just in the shop – but in the Entire Known Universe, and Beyond.
Harvey got Cosmic Catastrophe (the original game plus booster pack). Billed as ‘educational fun for the whole crew’, players have to tackle a series of difficult and dangerous intergalactic missions before their imaginary spaceship self-destructs. In all honesty he might as well try to teach his crew how to knit a black hole.
Snuffles drove everyone nuts with a really annoying squeaky chew bone.
Finally, Yargal picked a Supersonic Speedy 2000 Automatic Spatula and six oven gloves (which Scrummage thought were tentacle warmers!) and a litter tray for Gordon.)
Harvey had handed the flight controls back over to Maxie and was sitting back in the captain’s chair, looking forward to some keepie-uppie with the zero gravity football after tea, when the computer bleeped importantly.
‘I think I’ve found your home planet, Captain,’ it announced confidently. ‘Is this Earth?’ it asked, displaying an image of something that looked a bit like a yellow crescent moon.
‘No,’ said Harvey. ‘That’s a banana.’
‘Ah,’ cringed the computer.
‘Earth,’ creaked Nerdie rustily, ‘is a small, round green and blue planet.’
‘Yes!’ cried Harvey excitedly. ‘It is! Do you know where it is?’
‘Yes, it’s in a mythical galaxy called The Milky Way,’ replied the robot.
‘It’s not mythical!’ exclaimed Harvey.
‘It must be,’ snorted Maxie. ‘Honestly, “The Milky Way”! What sort of name is that for a galaxy? It sounds more like a chocolate bar!’
The entire crew burst out laughing – especially Harvey (but excluding Nerdie who isn’t programmed with a laugh function).
Looks like Captain Harvey Drew is stuck on the Toxic Spew for another rubbish adventure with the Bin Men from Outer Space. Flickering spew!