5

A DIFFERENT PLACE IN GOD’S PLAN

Simple math states the obvious: If 26 percent of all households in the United States are made up of married couples, that means 74 percent must incorporate those who are divorced, widowed, and single. Certainly those percentages would change when applied to the church, which upholds the sanctity of marriage to a far greater degree than secular society. But when we figure in those believers who are married to unbelievers, many people in the church don’t match the ideal for marriage we examined in the previous chapters.

In this chapter we will see God’s design for those who are married to unbelievers, a widow or divorced woman, or single. His will for their lives is rich and fulfilling.

If You Are Married to an Unbeliever

The Lord is not discriminatory when He chooses people for His kingdom—they come from all situations. It is not surprising, therefore, to see only one spouse in a marriage relationship come to Christ. Just as we do today, the church in the first century had to teach new believers how to treat their unsaved spouses. Husbands wanted to know if they should continue to treat their wives in the dominant manner characteristic of the secular society. Wives wanted to know if they should reject the authority of their non-Christian husbands in favor of their new allegiance to a higher authority, Christ. Should their new status in Christ require that they demand their physical and spiritual rights? Both the apostle Paul (1 Cor. 7:12–16) and the apostle Peter (1 Peter 3:1–7) offered timeless and specific guidelines that believers should follow when married to an unbeliever.

What You Shouldn’t Do

The natural, human tendency for many married to non-Christians, and in particular a wife in that society, would be to abandon the relationship. The Christian perspective, however, is just the opposite. Paul counseled:

If any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. (1 Cor. 7:12–14)

The phrase “send away” as used in the context of man-woman relationships means divorce. Paul had previously counseled married believers not to divorce because Christ had forbidden it (vv. 10–11). Here he counseled those believers who were unequally yoked not to divorce a spouse if he or she agreed to maintain the relationship. There are several advantages in preserving the marriage.

Being unequally yoked can be frustrating, discouraging, and even costly. But it need not be defiling because rather than the believer being corrupted by the unbeliever, the believer can sanctify a home. In this sense sanctify does not refer to salvation; it refers to being set apart for goodness from God. All the blessings and grace of God that accrue to that one believer will spill over and enrich the unsaved spouse and other family members.

In addition, although the believer’s faith cannot accomplish salvation for anyone but that person, the power of his or her testimony is often the means by which other family members come to faith in Christ.

Furthermore, God regards the family as a unit. Even if it is divided spiritually and most of its members are unbelieving and immoral, God graces the entire family through the believer among them. Therefore, if your unbelieving spouse is willing to stay, don’t seek a divorce. He or she is better off in a place where God is granting a blessing.

If an unbelieving partner does not consent to live with a Christian, however, Paul offered the following instruction: “If the unbelieving [spouse] leaves, let him leave; the brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?” (vv. 15–16). It’s simple. If your husband or wife wants out, let him or her go.

In God’s sight the bond between a husband and wife is dissolved only by death (Rom. 7:2), adultery, and the desertion of an unbelieving spouse. When the bond is broken in any of those ways, a Christian is free to remarry. By implication, the permission given to a widow or widower to remarry (Rom. 7:3) can extend to the present case, where a believer is no longer bound.

God allows divorce in this case because He “has called us to peace” (1 Cor. 7:15). If your wife or husband can’t tolerate your faith and wants out of the marriage, it is better to dissolve your marriage to preserve your peace. Fighting, turmoil, bickering, criticism, and frustration disrupt the harmony and peace God desires for His children. And don’t use evangelism as a just cause for maintaining a marriage if the spouse wants to leave; you have no guarantee of leading your spouse to Christ in an uncomfortable, chaotic, and confused environment.

Let me add one caution: Don’t let overbearing gospel presentations be the source of your spouse’s desire to leave the relationship. You cannot badger a person into the kingdom. Live the kind of life that will draw your spouse to Christ instead of driving him or her away.

What Wives Should Do

Becoming a Christian can pose some serious problems today, just as it did two thousand years ago. As we’ve noted, women were treated with little respect in the Greek and Roman culture of Paul’s day. As long as they lived in their father’s house, they were under the Roman law of patria potestas (the father’s power), which gave fathers the power of life and death over their daughters. Once a woman married, her husband had the same legal power. Since it was socially taboo for women to make their own decisions, a decision on their part to follow Christ sometimes resulted in severe abuse from their unbelieving husbands. In spite of such difficult circumstances, the believing wife could win her husband to Christ by fulfilling certain responsibilities.

Be Submissive

Peter said, “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives” (1 Peter 3:1). A wife is just as obligated to submit to her husband whether he is a Christian or not. “In the same way” refers back to the submission of citizens to civil authorities (2:13) and employees to their employers (v. 18). As we learned in chapter 2, God ordains such an arrangement for the smooth operation of all social institutions, including marriage.

“Disobedient to the word” describes the husband who rejects the gospel. That phrase is a first-class conditional in the Greek text, which means that it’s a reality. It could be translated “since they are disobedient to the Word.” A believing wife should submit to her husband so he might be won to Christ “without a word.” That doesn’t refer to the Word of God, since that is essential for anyone’s salvation (1:23), but to spoken words. A wife wins her husband to Christ not by what she says but how she behaves. That doesn’t mean she shouldn’t communicate the gospel to him, but her lovely, gracious, gentle, submissive attitude is her most effective evangelistic tool.

Be Faithful

Husbands will be won to Christ “as they observe [their] chaste and respectful behavior” (3:2). Wives need to live pure lives, characterized by irreproachable conduct and faithfulness both to God and to their husbands. Don’t allow yourself to become involved with another man; instead, be respectful to your husband.

Be Modest

Wives, especially in our society, need to take heed to Peter’s warning in verse 3: “Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses.” In Roman society women were continually preoccupied with their external appearance. They dyed their hair outlandish colors, braided it elaborately, and were fond of expensive jewelry, elegant clothing, and fine cosmetics. Certainly Peter wasn’t forbidding women from styling their hair or wearing jewelry and nice clothing; he just didn’t want them to be preoccupied with those things.

Women, external beauty will never capture your husband’s heart if it’s not backed by a beautiful attitude. Your primary focus should be on “the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit” (v. 4). A humble, calm disposition characterizes inner beauty, and “is precious in the sight of God” (v. 4). Pursue virtue and you’ll stand a much better chance of winning your husband to Christ.

Although God highly values the inner beauty of godliness, that’s no excuse for sloppiness. Neglecting your outward appearance will draw as much attention as overdoing it. You’ve dressed appropriately when your outward appearance simply reflects the inner beauty God has fashioned within you.

Verses 5–6 illustrate what inner beauty is all about: “In this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.” “Holy women” refers to Old Testament women believers. Verse 6 specifically names Sarah as the model of submission because of her obvious respect for her husband, Abraham. All true believers are children of Abraham by faith (Rom. 4:5–16; Gal. 3:7–29), and likewise all believing women who follow Sarah’s example are her spiritual progeny.

The absence of much literature by evangelical feminists on this verse is telling. It is very difficult, if not impossible, to dispute the biblical principle of authority and submission. J. David Pawson wrote, “Peter’s language goes somewhat further than Paul’s; he commends Sarah for calling Abraham ‘Lord’ … and giving him the obedience due to someone deserving that title.”1

“Without being frightened by any fear” (1 Peter 3:6) speaks of intimidation. It seems every society since the fall has tried to intimidate wives into not submitting to their husbands. But instead of being intimidated, the wife is to “do what is right” by being submissive, tactful, modest, and gentle.

What Husbands Should Do

First Peter 3:7 says, “You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.” Husbands, if you want to win your wives to Christ, be faithful to do the following:

Be Considerate

“Understanding” speaks of being sensitive to your wife’s deepest physical and emotional needs. In other words, be thoughtful and respectful. Remember, you are to nourish and cherish her (Eph. 5:25–28). Many women have said to me, “My husband doesn’t understand me. We never talk. He doesn’t know how I feel or what I’m thinking about.” Such insensitivity builds walls in marriages. “Live with your wives in an understanding way” is another way of saying, “Be considerate.” It isn’t what you get out of marriage but what you put into it that brings glory to God. Do you know your wife’s needs? Have you discussed them with her? Have you asked her what kind of husband she wants you to be?

Be Chivalrous

By God’s design, a wife is to be the special object of her husband’s love and care. As a “weaker” vessel she is under his authority and protection. “Weaker” doesn’t mean weaker spiritually or intellectually but physically and perhaps emotionally. Scripture indicates that in several places. For example, in Jeremiah 51:30 we read, “The mighty men of Babylon have ceased fighting, they stay in the strongholds; their strength is exhausted, they are becoming like women; their dwelling places are set on fire, the bars of her gates are broken” (cf. Isa. 19:16; Jer. 50:37; Nahum 3:13). Babylon’s army was compared to women because it was afraid, without strength, and defenseless.

It’s not a negative thing for a woman to be a weaker vessel. In making the man stronger, God designed a wonderful partnership. One way a husband can protect and provide for his wife is to practice chivalry. Whatever happened to the custom of opening the car door for your wife? Some husbands are fifteen feet down the driveway while the wife still has one foot out the door! Look for ways to be courteous that you know she will appreciate.

Be a Companion

“Show her honor” is another way of saying, “Treat your wife with respect,” while “grace of life” is a reference to marriage. “Grace” simply means “a gift,” and one of the best gifts life has to offer is marriage. Thus when Peter says to give her respect as a “fellow heir of the grace of life,” he is commanding husbands to respect their wives as equal partners in the marriage. Another way to win her to Christ is to cultivate companionship and friendship. That necessitates sharing your life with her and developing mutual interests. Think about things you can do together. One of the secrets of a happy relationship is finding commonality.

These aren’t mere casual suggestions. According to Peter, your applying them has a direct bearing on how your prayers are answered. Since those prayers would include petitions for her salvation, don’t neglect being considerate, chivalrous, and a companion to your unsaved wife.

If You Are a Widow or a Divorced Woman

Among the neediest people in our society are those women who are either widowed or divorced, and the apostle Paul provided instructions to married and single men and women in the church on how to care for them. He said, “Honor widows who are widows indeed” (1 Tim. 5:3).

The Greek term translated “widows” means “bereft” and conveys a sense of suffering loss or being left alone. It does not tell us how a woman became a widow, so the cause is not limited to a husband’s death. A widow in the biblical sense may be a daughter, a mother, a sister, a niece, or an aunt who loses her husband through divorce, desertion, imprisonment, or especially death. Caring for such a woman is a privilege and a manifestation of God’s compassion.

More and more women in our society are in need of such compassion. George Grant, in his book The Dispossessed: Homelessness in America, detailed how detrimental the feminist movement has been to the well-being of women. He used the phrase “the feminization of poverty” to describe its negative effect: “It has broken down traditional family structures. It has contributed to epidemic irresponsibility. It has diminished courtesy, respect, and commitment. It has opened a Pandora’s box of social ills, not the least of which is the progressive impoverishment of the very women it was supposed to liberate.”2

Grant cited Lenore J. Weitzman, who noted in her book The Divorce Revolution that women experience a significant decline in their standard of living after a divorce, while their former husbands’ standard of living increases. Grant also cited Kim Hopper and Jill Hamberg, who reported in their book The Making of America’s Homeless that one in three families with women as the head of the household is poor, compared with one in ten in those led by men, and one in nineteen where the home has two parents.3

Maggie Gallagher spelled out what these statistics mean:

Women are more likely to be abandoned by their husbands, to have to raise their children alone, to slip into poverty and to experience all the consequent degradations, to live in crowded apartments in dangerous parts of the city, to experience bad health and poor medical care, to be beaten, stabbed, raped, and robbed.… Reversing historic trends, women today work longer and harder than their mothers did and, under the stress, are more likely to collapse in nervous breakdowns. Fewer women can find suitable marriage partners and many who do marry will never have the children for which they long.4

Those tragic trends are far from God’s ideal. By His design, a wife is to be the special object of her husband’s love and care. But if a woman loses her husband, she is often left without any means of financial support. Such women are under God’s special care. The book of James summarizes God’s compassion for widows: “Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit … widows in their distress” (James 1:27).

Paul wanted the entire church to demonstrate its faith that way. His discourse on widows (1 Tim. 5:3–16) gives several practical principles. Verse 3 states, “Honor widows who are widows indeed.” Christian widows left alone are to receive financial support from the church if they meet the qualifications. “Honor” is a reference to the fifth commandment about honoring one’s parents (Ex. 20:12), which the Jewish people since the days of Moses have understood to include financial aid (cf. Matt. 15:1–6).

Evaluating Needs

“Widows indeed” are distinguished from widows having financial means. Some husbands may have left their wives with wonderful resources, such as a home and adequate funds. In those instances, the church should provide for any spiritual needs and come alongside with encouragement, love, and support in every way possible.

We live in a country that provides some basic coverage for widows, but as we have seen, the scope of their needs—and the number of needy women who could be classified in their ranks—is increasing dramatically. Some widows might desire a Christian education for their children, and the church could set up a scholarship fund toward meeting that need. Some of them may have previously survived on a low income while others may have benefited from a much higher one. The church needs to be wise in determining which needs are pressing.

That is a major commitment. It may even require transferring money out of other church programs at times. Obviously, then, the church cannot indiscriminately give to everyone, so Scripture establishes guidelines to determine who qualifies and who doesn’t.

When Family Is Available

First Timothy 5:4 says, “If any widow has children or grandchildren, they must first learn to practice piety in regard to their own family and to make some return to their parents; for this is acceptable in the sight of God.” Family members have the primary responsibility of caring for widows. An essential way of demonstrating godliness in the context of family living is making sure each member is provided for. Verse 8 says, “If anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”

Notice this responsibility doesn’t apply only to older family members but also to children and grandchildren. That’s appropriate since godly young people will desire good relationships with their family members, for that is an indicator of true spirituality.

The basic principle, then, is for children to “make some return” on the investment their parents made in their lives, which includes a financial obligation. Children, don’t ever take for granted the love and encouragement your parents gave you in addition to the basic material needs they provided, such as food, clothing, and housing.

When Family Isn’t Available

Some family members don’t always see things from the divine perspective, however. Verse 5 acknowledges that some are widows “indeed,” defined as those who have “been left alone.” They don’t have any children or grandchildren who are willing to care for them either because of immorality, divorce, abandonment by the children, or even the children’s deaths.

The church’s first criterion for supporting a widow is when she has no one to turn to for help, and the second is this: that she “has fixed her hope on God and continues in entreaties and prayers night and day” (v. 5). That describes a mature Christian. Her prayer life is reflective of an intimate relationship with the Lord. That is quite a contrast to the widow described in verse 6: “But she who gives herself to wanton pleasure is dead even while she lives.” This woman, who is alive physically but dead spiritually, lives with disregard for what is right and without devotion to God. The implication is she should be left to the consequences of her sins, which hopefully will lead her to repent. The church is not responsible to help widows like that, especially those who continue a sinful lifestyle.

A situation almost as bad as that is this: “If anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (v. 8). “Provide” means “to think of beforehand” or “to care for,” indicating that support requires careful forethought and planning. “His own” is a general reference to the believer’s sphere of relationships—friends, neighbors, acquaintances, and especially relatives. “Anyone” indicates every believer is responsible to support the needy. When he or she can, a believer should meet needs without taking it to the organized church. The believer who doesn’t is guilty of withholding love and setting a poor example.

Most unbelievers take care of their own because it’s natural for them to do so (Matt. 7:9–11). When a believer doesn’t fulfill an obligation that even an unbeliever knows enough to do, that believer is acting worse than an unbeliever. Even pagans revere their elders and ancestors.

Maintaining a High Standard

Christians have a higher standard, one that is reflected in these qualifications of godly widows who served the church in an official capacity:

A widow is to be put on the list only if she is not less than sixty years old, having been the wife of one man, having a reputation for good works; and if she has brought up children, if she has shown hospitality to strangers, if she has washed the saints’ feet, if she has assisted those in distress, and if she has devoted herself to every good work. (1 Tim. 5:9–10)

Here the emphasis switches from financial support to qualifications for official status. We know the early church had elders and both men and women deacons (3:1–13). Apparently a group of godly widows were also considered church workers. Their service included teaching and counseling the church’s younger women, visiting the sick, and providing hospitality to travelers such as itinerant preachers. They had a ministry to children as well. In Paul’s day, many unwanted children were abandoned in the marketplace. From this pool, boys were trained as gladiators and girls were trained as prostitutes. The church widows sought out such abandoned children and placed them in good homes so they could receive proper care. If today’s church had a group of godly widows with the same occupation, countless needy children would benefit.

A Mature Woman

The first qualification Paul listed for church widows is that they be at least sixty years old (5:9). In many cultures it is common to associate that age with maturity. Remember, however, this age limit is associated with her qualification as a church worker, not for receiving financial support (for which need, not age, is the main consideration).

A Devoted Wife

“Having been the wife of one man” (v. 9) is literally translated “a one-man woman.” Paul wasn’t referring to a woman who was married only once, because he said in verse 14 that it is best if younger widows remarry and that a widow may “be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord” (1 Cor. 7:39). Rather, he was emphasizing the devotion she showed to her husband when he was still alive. She was known to be faithful to him, and their marriage had no blemishes.

A Devoted Mother

“She has brought up children” (1 Tim. 5:10) implies her children benefited spiritually from her godly influence. They received nourishment in a spiritual environment. Being a mother is one of the greatest privileges a woman can have because of her effect on her children’s character. That doesn’t mean a woman without children is less valuable to God. But bringing up children is the norm for most women, and the mother who continues in “faith and love and sanctity with self-restraint” (2:15) is a model that other women should imitate.

Hospitable

“She has shown hospitality to strangers” (5:10) refers mainly to housing missionaries, evangelists, and other Christians who traveled often. Many times they were seeking refuge from persecutors, so this was a vital ministry. The Bible’s commendation of Phoebe as “a helper of many” probably included, among other things, her aid to traveling saints (Rom. 16:1–2).

Humble

“She has washed the saints’ feet” (1 Tim. 5:10) refers to a menial task often given to slaves. In ancient times, all the roads were either dusty or muddy, so it was a common courtesy to provide foot washing for visitors. In Christian circles, washing someone’s feet came to symbolize humility (John 13:15). When they see a person in need, godly women should do what they can to help that person, no matter how lowly the task. Be prepared: Service that pleases Christ is often done at personal inconvenience and not for personal profit.

Unselfish

“She has assisted those in distress” (1 Tim. 5:10) speaks of those under pressure, whether mental, physical, or emotional. The word translated “assisted” appears only here and in verse 16. Its use in verse 16 indicates support, which might include money, meals, housing, or counsel to ease others’ burdens. Her time is spent on others, not herself.

Kind

“She has devoted herself to every good work” (v. 10) reminds me of Dorcas, who made clothes for widows. Widows wept when they thought they had lost one who cared so much (Acts 9:39). Likewise, the widow described here is one who helps others and is kind.

Encouraging Remarriage Where Appropriate

Older widows free from the duties of caring for a spouse and children can devote time and effort to a variety of fruitful ministries. The church should heartily encourage them to do so, especially for the sake of the needy women and children they could assist. But the church is to give different advice to younger widows:

Refuse to put younger widows on the list, for when they feel sensual desires … they want to get married, thus incurring condemnation, because they have set aside their previous pledge. And at the same time they also learn to be idle … and … also gossips and busybodies.… Therefore, [encourage] younger widows to get married, bear children, keep house, and give the enemy no occasion for reproach. (1 Tim. 5:11–14)

Picture a young woman, widowed through divorce perhaps, who is feeling hurt and brokenhearted. In the emotion of the moment she says to the church, “I’ll never marry again. I pledge to devote the rest of my life to serving the Lord. Please place me on your staff so I can minister with other women.” Since it is difficult to sustain a commitment made during a time of grief, the church is to refuse any such request.

To Avoid Frustration

There are even more practical reasons for refusing the request. The first is that it’s natural and beneficial for a young widow to desire to remarry after her initial grief. Since she was married before, the odds are she doesn’t have the gift of singleness. That’s especially true if she has young children to care for. Since “it’s better to marry than to burn with passion” (1 Cor. 7:9), no young widow should be made to feel that marriage is an unspiritual option. If a woman did feel that way, she would become frustrated, and that could lead to anger against the Lord.

In the context of ministry, a younger widow going from home to home, instructing and counseling other church women, could collect a lot of information about their personal lives. But if out of resentment she no longer wanted to serve others, she would be in a position to cause much damage.

To Find Fulfillment

As we have seen consistently from God’s Word, the way most young women find fulfillment is to “get married, bear children, [and] keep house” (1 Tim. 5:14). By recommending that course of action, the church is giving “the enemy no occasion for reproach.” The needs of younger women and children will be better met, older women will be more available for a variety of ministries and less likely to be obliged to provide primary care for a working mother’s children, and younger and older men will have the satisfaction of helping society’s neediest members in a truly effective way.

The church’s instruction reflects our Lord’s compassion in caring for widows. That doesn’t mean every young woman who loses her husband and doesn’t remarry will cause trouble or become a gossip. Obviously there are exceptions, as 1 Corinthians 7 teaches. But a godly husband can give a bereft widow the affection and care she needs.

Adding a Woman’s Touch

To provide balance, Paul concluded, “If any woman who is a believer has dependent widows, she must assist them and the church must not be burdened, so that it may assist those who are widows indeed” (1 Tim. 5:16). Christian women of means should support any widows in their fold to free up the church’s funds as much as possible. Some of those women might be widows themselves. Their support doesn’t always have to be money—it could be meals, lodging, or clothing.

Caring for women in need ought to be a joy for us because it’s our Lord’s joy. When the widow who is in your midst can “come and eat and be satisfied,” the Lord your God will bless you in all the work that you do (Deut. 14:29).

If You Are Single

In spite of how blessed marriage can be, God wants you to know life can be just as rich whether you’re married or not. That’s His message in select portions of 1 Corinthians 7. Here the apostle Paul presented a counterbalance to the truth that marriage is “the grace of life”: If you get married, you are going to have “trouble in this life” (v. 28). The word Paul used is alternately translated “tribulation” in the New Testament. In addition, your interests will be divided (vv. 32–35). Is marriage really a bad thing then? Of course not. Let’s explore the balanced perspective Paul offered to gain a better understanding.

Celebrating Singleness

In verse 1 Paul wrote, “It is good for a man not to touch a woman.” “To touch a woman” was a common Jewish euphemism for sexual intercourse. Paul was saying it is good not to be involved in a sexual relationship—that it is good to be single. That is an important affirmation, especially since people in society and even the church can be insensitive, condescending, and rude toward those who are single by assuming something is wrong with them or they are desperate to get married.

Single life was even worse in Paul’s day. Unbiblical Jewish teaching asserted that if you didn’t have a wife, you were a sinner. According to the rabbis, there were seven kinds of people who couldn’t get to heaven, and number one was a Jew who had no wife. The second was a wife who had no children. They theorized that since God said be fruitful and multiply (Gen. 1:28), you were being disobedient if you remained single.

God did declare at creation that “it is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him” (2:18). It is true that all people need companionship, but you can be single and not be alone. You can have friends, and God will bring people into your life to fulfill your need for companionship. Singleness before Him is a good, honorable, and excellent state.

The Difficulty of Being Single

Singleness is not without problems, however, which is why Paul said, “Because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband” (1 Cor. 7:2). Because unfulfilled sexual desire can be very strong, those who are not married can suffer great temptation, especially in societies such as ours where sexual freedom is freely practiced and even glorified.

No sin that a person commits has more built-in pitfalls than sexual sin. It has broken more marriages, shattered more homes, caused more heartache and disease, and destroyed more lives than drugs and alcohol combined. That is why in the New Testament we read, “This is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor” (1 Thess. 4:3–4). Every believer is to keep his or her own body under control.

In speaking about the danger of celibacy, Paul was not downgrading the institution of marriage by suggesting that marriage is God’s escape valve for the sex drive. He was saying, however, that it is normal to get married because it is normal to have physical desire.

The Gift of Singleness

To clarify his position Paul said:

I wish that all men were even as I myself am. However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (1 Cor. 7:7–9)

Some Christians aren’t married because they have a special gift of God and are uniquely prepared by the Holy Spirit for singleness. People who have the gift of celibacy enjoy being single and are not tempted to fall into sexual sin or become preoccupied with marriage. When the rare exception arises, they are able to control it quickly. Jesus alluded to the gift when He said, “There are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother’s womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven” (Matt. 19:12). The last group of single persons Jesus mentioned decided not to marry so they could fully serve the Lord and His kingdom. First Corinthians 7 clarifies that the ability to make that decision is a gift from the Holy Spirit. Many pressures face single people in today’s society, especially when considering the current emphasis on marriage and the family. It has been said that loneliness for single people is at its height during the holiday season, especially for single parents. But you don’t have to feel that way. If God has given you the gift of singleness, accept that as His plan. Since He is a loving and all-wise God, He has your best interests at heart.

What If You Don’t Think You Have the Gift?

In 1 Corinthians 7:8 Paul addressed the “unmarried” (a term best understood in this context to refer to divorced individuals) and widows. In saying, “It is good for them if they remain even as I,” he identified with them rather than with “virgins” (v. 25, individuals who have never been married). It is likely Paul was a widower. In verse 9 he admitted that whether previously married or not, it can be too difficult for some people to remain single: “If they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”

Those who believe they don’t have the gift of singleness can become frustrated when they can’t seem to find a marriage partner. If you’re in that situation, don’t be preoccupied with your predicament, but focus on the Lord’s kingdom. Here’s why: The best way to find the right person is to be the right person. If you are living a righteous life and you do not have the gift of singleness, rest assured that God will provide a partner for you. How could He want you to be married and yet not provide a partner?

Once you find the right person and decide to marry, be sure to do it fairly soon because of the temptation you’ll face. As Paul said, “It is better to marry than to burn with passion.” Marriage was designed to help you be fulfilled sexually. The practical problems of an early marriage are not nearly as serious as the danger of immorality. I’m not advocating that you jump into marriage to gratify your sexual desire, but realize there is no advantage to long engagements.

Here are some practical ideas single people, whether gifted with singleness or not, can do to control their sexual desires.

Control What Goes into Your Mind

Your thinking controls your emotions and behavior (cf. Prov. 23:7). Instead of exposing yourself to music, movies, books, television programs, and advertisements with implicit or explicit references to immoral behavior and attitudes, fill your mind with divine truth by being a devoted student of Scripture.

Avoid Enticing Situations

The Bible doesn’t tell us to stand our ground and fight sexual temptation, but to flee (1 Cor. 6:18; 2 Tim. 2:22).

Be Accountable to a Close Christian Friend

It may be best for you to avoid living or traveling alone. Regularly and honestly confide in someone who is trustworthy, mature, and understanding.

Be Content

Recognize that, for now, God has chosen for you to live without sex. And He has promised not to allow any temptation in your life that is too strong for you to handle (1 Cor. 10:13). Knowing that will help you say with Paul, “I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am” (Phil. 4:11).

Seek Love, Not Marriage

Show Christlike love to all your Christian brothers and sisters, and let God bring about a marriage if it is His will. People who make marriage their goal often wind up marrying the wrong person. Don’t be preoccupied with finding the right person. Instead, work on becoming the person God wants you to be. Know that God will, in His time, lead you to the person He has chosen for you.

The Advantages of Being Single

A great deal of contemporary literature and programs for singles are directed toward helping them “endure” while they wait for marriage. They seem to reflect an underlying assumption that singleness isn’t quite normal and certainly not desirable. Instead of panicking if their son or daughter hasn’t married by a certain age, godly parents will consider whether God has designed their child to be single. First Corinthians 7:25–40 is a ready reference for them and the rest of us. There Paul wrote about the many advantages of being single.

Less Pressure from the System

The first advantage Paul cited is this: “In view of the present distress … it is good for a man to remain as he is” (v. 26). It is natural for a new Christian to encounter some degree of conflict with the ungodly system. Persecution is difficult enough for a single person, but the problems and pain are multiplied for one who is married.

If Paul had been married, his suffering would have been magnified. He would have been concerned about his family and tormented, knowing they were worried about him. They would have suffered every time he was beaten, stoned, and imprisoned and would have been constantly fearful for his life. Who would have taken care of them in his absence? His practical problems would have increased, and the effectiveness of his ministry would have decreased. Married believers who go through some degree of social turmoil cannot escape carrying a much heavier load than those who are single.

Fewer Problems of the Flesh

Single people who choose to marry are certainly free to do so, “yet such will have trouble in this life” (v. 28). We all are subject to fleshly limitations. It is hard enough for a sinner to live with himself, let alone with another sinner. The problems of human nature are multiplied in marriage. When you add children to the mix, who are born sinful, they will have some measure of conflict with each other and their parents.

Even in the best of marriages, each spouse has some degree of anger, selfishness, dishonesty, pride, forgetfulness, and thoughtlessness. If God has given you the gift of singleness, it is better to stay that way to avoid the problems our humanness brings into marriage.

Marriage should not be viewed merely as a means of escape. Loneliness and sexual temptation are not eradicated once you’ve found a life partner. Marriage is the right course of action for one reason only: fulfilling the will of God.

More Detachment from This Passing World

Marriage, as wonderful as it is, will pass away with the world someday, along with weeping, earthly rejoicing, and ownership (vv. 29–32). Godly marriages are “made in heaven,” but they will not carry over into heaven. That thought bothers many people because they assume that when they marry, they will always be married. But marriage is not eternal.

Jesus said, “In the resurrection [people] neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven” (Matt. 22:30). Although angels do not procreate, they are usually identified by male gender in Scripture, and when they appear, they appear in male form. Because of that and because the resurrected Jesus retained His gender, we can surmise we will retain our gender in eternity. So why will there be no marriage in heaven? Because it won’t be necessary. God created marriage because man needed a helper, woman needed a protector, and together both were to produce children. In heaven, man won’t need a helper because he will be perfect. Woman won’t need a protector because she will be perfect. And no one will be born in heaven because only the redeemed can live there.

Someone might be thinking, But I’m happily married. I love my wife. She’s my best friend and my dearest companion in every area of life. That’s good! You will enjoy that companionship with her in heaven forever—and with every other person in heaven as well. Heaven is one place where there will be no partiality: We will love everyone there equally.

Those who remain single can have a head start now in getting a taste of that heavenly reality. Nevertheless, the focus of all Christians, whether married or single, should be “on the things above, not on the things that are on earth” (Col. 3:2). The apostle John warned every believer, “Do not love the world nor the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.… The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever” (1 John 2:15, 17). You can love your spouse and at the same time keep your priorities for God in proper perspective.

Freedom from the Preoccupations of Marriage

There are certain cares that encumber your mind when you’re married. As Paul put it, “One who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife” (1 Cor. 7:33). You need life insurance so that if you die suddenly, your family will be provided for. As your family grows, you’re likely to need a bigger house and car. You’ll also need to save money for your children’s education. On top of all that, you need to be sensitive to the emotional and spiritual needs of your family.

A single person, however, “is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord” (v. 32). That doesn’t mean, of course, that all single people are more devoted to Jesus Christ, just that the single person has the potential for that kind of devotion. Single people have but one set of cares: their own, which hopefully are the same as God’s. Married people, on the other hand, have a divided set of cares: those of the Lord, and those of their family. It isn’t that those divided interests are bad; they’re by the design of God. However, inherent in marriage is the inability for single-mindedness.

When I was in Quito, Ecuador, I had the privilege of meeting Rachel Saint, a single woman who gave her life to discipling the Auca Indians. By the grace of God, many like her are completely devoted to the Lord without encumbrance. I often think that those gifted with singleness are possibly the most fulfilled people of all because they don’t need someone else to make them complete.

Not Being Bound to a Lifelong Relationship

Paul concluded his discussion of singleness with this final point: “A wife is bound as long as her husband lives; but if her husband is dead, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. But in my opinion she is happier if she remains as she is; and I think that I also have the Spirit of God” (vv. 39–40). In other words, since marriage is a lifelong commitment, think seriously before marrying.

Widowed believers are not bound to stay single, but if they remarry, it must be to another believer; “evangelistic” dating is not a legitimate undertaking from God’s perspective. Christians are to marry only those in the family of God (1 Cor. 9:5; 2 Cor. 6:14; Deut. 7:1–4).

In recommending singleness, Paul was not issuing a command; he was offering counsel. We need to consider it carefully since he spoke as “an apostle of Jesus Christ by the will of God” (1 Cor. 1:1). His convictions and advice on singleness and marriage—and all other matters—are that of the Lord Himself.

The message of 1 Corinthians 7 is that those who possess God’s special grace for singleness will be happier if they remain single, and all others will be happier if they marry as God leads. Marriage does not prevent great devotion to Christ, nor does singleness guarantee it, but by definition it is easier for a single person to be single-minded in the things of the Lord. Perhaps God will call or has called you to experience “the grace of life” (1 Peter 3:7). Perhaps He will not spare you “trouble in this life” (1 Cor. 7:28). Whatever your situation, be content to remain as you are—a point Paul made four separate times in 1 Corinthians 7 (vv. 17, 20, 24, 26)—all the while doing your best to serve God and His people in this life. The bonds of love you cultivate now will spill over to perfection in the next life.

Notes

1 Pawson, Leadership Is Male, 63.

2 George Grant, The Dispossessed (Westchester, IL: Crossway, 1986), 73.

3 Ibid., 73–79.

4 Gallagher, Enemies of Eros, 14.