The Summons of Love

accountability, abdication of, as burden, ethics of relationality and, opacity of human interiority and, unconscious desire and, See also responsibility

agency, human, accountability and, women as desiring agents

anxiety, enigma of others and, “homosexual panic,” self-fragmentation and

attraction, inscrutability of

becoming, process of, idealized image of other and, reinvention of identity and, true self and

childhood, experiences of

“commitment phobia,”

communication: gender stereotypes and, interiority of other and, “nonviolent,”, silence and

creativity/inventiveness, capacity for creative living, idealizations and, interchange of conscious and unconscious, moving beyond melancholia, sadness and

“crystallization.” See illusions

desire, accountability and, bedrock of, cultural conditioning of, desire as its own goal, enigmatic desire of others, Greek myth about birth of sexual desire, ideals and, loss or death of, melancholia and, narcissistic, obstacles to, self-destructive patterns of, specificity of, suspicion of strong passions and, unconscious

disappointments, attempts to build shield against, idealizations and, as opportunities for learning, repetition compulsion and

disillusionment, See also illusions

eros, destabilizing power of, emotional revitalization of, eternity and, exhaustion of, glimpse of divine radiance and, rewards of, stability in conflict with, timelessness of

eternity, sliver of, difficulty of embracing, human and divine, true self and

evolution, personal process of

existence, human, fleeting character of, future possibilities and, idealized lover and, imaginary worlds of possibility and, inescapable turmoil of, interplay of question and answer in, jolt out of complacency, love as radical break in order of, rational and pragmatic approach to, sadness in, sliver of eternity in, unattainable ideals and

experience, aim of love and, cultivation of character and, gradually unfolding meaning of, past-present relationship and, psychic keys to inner experience, repetition compulsion and, self-actualization and, solitude and inner experience, the sublime and

fantasies, idealization and, narcissistic, rescue and redemption, of wholeness in union with other

Freud, Sigmund, on mourning and melancholia, on repetition compulsion

growth, existential or relational

“homosexual panic,” as criminal rationalization

ideals, “crystallization” and, depleting, endurance of desire and, generosity of, human copies of divine ideals, love beyond, between reality and fantasy, unattainable

identity, anxiety about recovering, becoming and, enigma of others and, of idealized lover, interactions with others and, loss of, mourning and, narcissistic love and, reinvention of, risks of love and, sacrifices and, singularity of the other and, social, . See also self-other interaction

illusions, “crystallization” described by Stendhal, love as healing union, scientific rationality and, of stability, undermined by “speck of corruption,”, See also disillusionment

imagination, crystallized illusion and, idealization of other and

intelligence, emotional

interiority, accountability and, bedrock of desire and, caress and, childhood experiences and, enduring imprint of passion and, enigma of others and, of idealized lover, opaqueness of, riddles of, sadness and, traumatized, unconscious components of

intimacy, cultural mixed messages and, immediacy of satisfaction as threat to, intervals of independence and, knowledge and, tolerance for interpersonal ambiguity and, true self and

love: beyond ideals, cultural mixed messages about, enigma of others and, as existential nudge, fidelity to, inner giant awakened by, losses of, mission of, mystery of, nihilistic attitude toward, origin myth of, overvaluation of, as process, rational and pragmatic approach to, rhythm of, risks of, sublime aspirations of, as threat to self-sufficiency, transcendence and, “true” love, unconditional, unrequited, verbalization resisted by, wounds of, wrong choices in

men: communication stereotypes and, emotional intelligence and, “homosexual panic” as criminal defense, narcissistic fantasies of, self-actualization and

mourning, aftermath of loss and, capacity to give up pain and, moving beyond melancholia, as necessary suffering, transience of romance and

mystery, bedrock of desire and, protected interval of

New Age philosophies

Nietzsche, Friedrich

“nonviolent communication” philosophy

“Other Side, The” (Gray)

others/otherness. See self-other interaction

passion, cultural suspicion of, deprivations of love and, difficulty of embracing, enduring imprint of, failures and malfunctions of, idealizations and, love as gamble and, repetition compulsion and, short-lived, sliver of eternity and, susceptibility to suffering and, transience of

relationality, ethics of, “nonviolent communication” and, solitude and

relationships, abusive or codependent, attempts to control trajectory of, complexity of, enigma of others and, fidelity to love and, idealization of lover, keeping desire alive in, lingering imprint of passion in, management of repetition compulsions in, mission of love and, mystery and, negotiation in, power in, renunciation of love and, repeating patterns in, solitude and, transience of romance and, turbulence arising from unconscious patterns, unattainable or unavailable lovers, unpredictable outcome of

repetition (patterns), unconscious, compulsion to repeat, management of, “nonviolent communication” and, psychological triggers of, tenacity of, turbulence in relationships and, world structured by

responsibility, awareness of behavior patterns and, evasion of, interpersonal, repetition compulsion and, ruptures of love and, for unconscious relational habits, . See also accountability

romance: adventure and, disappointment in, family romance, Freudian, as gamble, loss and, overinvestment in, transience of

self-actualization, enigma (unknowability) of others and, losses of love and, narcissistic, outside of love, relationality as form of, social identities and

self-help literature

self-other interaction, beloved as mirror, boundary with others, dissolution/disintegration of self, enigma (unknowability) of others, fantasy of wholeness and, idealization of other, interiority of other intersubjective coming-into-being, radical otherness of others, silence and, singularity of other, solitude and, . See also false self; true self

self-stories (self-narratives)

solitude, craving for

suffering, ego defenses against, inner regeneration and, mourning as necessary suffering, narrativization of trauma and, unconscious causes of

“Thing,” of Freud and Lacan

time, passage of, becoming and, enduring imprint of passion and, mourning and, relationship of present and past, suspended

transcendence, caress as moment of, mundane reality of relationships and, pain as flip side of, as sliver of eternity, tenderness and

traumas, defensive barriers as response to, function of pain in human life and, repressed, resurrection of past traumas, self-narratives and

true self, “authentic” personality and, bedrock of desire and, enduring imprint of passion and, solitude and, . See also self-other interaction

vulnerability, of infants and young children, as risk of love

women, communication stereotypes and, as desiring agents, emotional intelligence and, as mirror of men’s fantasies, overinvestment in love and