Fifty-Five

I stop at the gas station near my apartment to clean myself up. There’s not a single thought in my head. I move mechanically, staring at my reflection. It feels like dried blood and dirt are caked in every crevice of my skin. Hovering over the sink, I wash all the parts of my body that I can reach.

I make trips back and forth from the car, cleaning off the blood on the seats with paper towels before flushing them down the toilet. The spots are stubborn; I scrub at them until they disappear. The work is hard, but I’m at peace, or something resembling it. I can’t change what I’ve done, but at the very least, I can get rid of any sign of it.

On the floor, I find a single long hair, curled, hiding; it’s a golden yellow, a nearly transparent thread, and I pick it up and blow it out the window. It floats away and disappears, carried by the wind. I watch it go and remember the times when Ji-hyun used to pick stray eyelashes off my cheeks.

“Make a wish,” she would say. “Wish for something big.”

It’s not an eyelash, but I close my eyes and make a wish anyway.

Just as I’m about to leave, the gas station attendant comes out and raps on my door. “Excuse me,” he says, scowling. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing. I’m leaving now.”

“You people are coming at all hours of the night, doing strange things in the bathroom. It’s not right!” He shakes his head. “Don’t come back here unless you’re going to buy something.”

I flee before he can chastise me further; in the rearview mirror I see him standing, arms crossed, making sure that I’m really gone.

It’s late, and I should go home, but there’s a restless energy pulsing through my veins. I want to see Alexis. I want to talk to her, apologize for the way that I acted earlier. I take the long way home, driving past the bar where I picked up my now-dead, eyeless friend. Alexis’s apartment looms overhead, and I falter for a second, trying to see if the light in her fifth-story window is on.

It’s off. She’s sleeping.

I park on the street and get out of my car, unsure of what to do. I want to call Alexis, but I don’t want to upset her by waking her up. I hover on the sidewalk before opening my car door again and sitting back inside. The key is halfway to the ignition when the thought hits me that she is the only person who would understand.

Picking up my phone, I dial her number. The line rings. It goes once, twice, and then I hear the hiss of static on the other side. “Ji-won?” she asks, her voice coated with sleepiness. I imagine her lying in bed in her pajamas. “Is everything okay?”

“No,” I say. I can’t help the sob that enters my voice. “I’m not okay.”

There’s a rustle, and she suddenly sounds much more awake. “Did something happen? Do you need help?”

“No, I . . . I’m in front of your apartment.”

“Right now?”

“Yeah.” I watch her window as the lights flicker on in her room. Her face peeks out. She waves. I wave back.

“I’ll come down. Give me a second.”

It takes a few minutes for her to get all the way to the ground floor, and by then I’ve disparaged myself so much that I’m sweating.

Alexis has thrown a jacket over her pajamas, but the pattern underneath peeks out. Mistletoe. The absurdity of it makes me burst into laughter, and she looks at me, bewildered. “What?”

“Why are you wearing Christmas pajamas? It’s June.”

“Did you really wake me up in the middle of the night to ask me why I’m wearing Christmas pajamas?” She crosses her arms. “I’m going to murder you.” There’s a hint of a smile playing on her lips.

“Go ahead. I won’t stop you.” I bend my neck, offering it to her. She pokes me in the jugular, her long nail scratching against my skin. It makes me shiver. I straighten up and look her in the eyes. “Would you still like me if I did something bad?”

She grows solemn. “What are you talking about? What did you do?”

“Nothing,” I say quickly. “I’m speaking hypothetically. If I did something, would you still be my friend?”

“I mean . . . I want to say yes, but I guess it depends on what you did. If you killed someone, then . . . it depends on whether or not they deserved it.” She laughs and doesn’t seem to notice the tears springing to my eyes. I blink them back. “Ji-won, is everything okay? You’re making me worry.”

“I’m fine. I’m just overwhelmed with everything going on, that’s all.” She gives me a look of understanding, then wraps me up in a hug. She’s so warm. I whisper in her ear. “Go back to sleep. I’ll call you tomorrow.”