We have different jobs to do now. The duty roster is taped beside the door. I am on dorm- and stairway-sweeping duty. I use a wide push broom for the dorm and a small broom and dustpan for the stairway. One girl tried to step on my hand when she came running down the stairs, but I was too quick.
We had meatloaf, gravy, mashed potatoes and carrots for supper. Yum!
I ask what the meal is called if I really like it. They don’t give us seconds, which is a good thing. Otherwise I would be a very fat girl by the time I leave!
That’s funny because I never used to care what I ate as long as my tummy had some food in it. Grandma cooks better than Mother, I know that. I remember my stepfather, Izzy, saying that all Mother could do was boil or fry food when they first got married. I don’t know that her cooking has improved! But whatever she makes, there’s always a lot of it.
I just realized that maybe I have been too hard on Izzy. Just because my mother married him doesn’t mean she pushed me aside. Izzy works hard and he’s a very gentle man. He never raises his voice to us and he’s always very cheerful.
Yeah, I think it was me that made the home at the Reserve not always happy. I just never fit in because Mother and I have always lived with Grandma at Flint Lake until she met and married Izzy.
I’m getting tired. I’m going to go to bed now. I didn’t like the movie on television tonight so I decided to write this instead.
We got a boiled egg each this morning with toast. That was nice.
My Blackie story is coming along fine. I added in that part about when Blackie saved me from the big trapper’s dog that broke his chain and attacked me on my way home from the store. Blackie charged up and got him off me, but poor Blackie got the bad end of that fight before his owner came to the rescue. I changed it a bit from what actually happened and it made a little better story, I think.
I have the story in the same kind of paper as my diary — school writing paper cut in four. I tie the pages together with thread. I went into the sewing room one day when the girls were in there mending clothes. One of the older Anishinabe girls took my papers and ran them through on the sewing machine! Now I just fold the paper in half, she sews the middle, and there, I have a little notebook!
When we got back after school, a screaming fight broke out in the washroom. Two girls were screaming at each other in Anishinabe and everyone cleared out quickly.
I could understand them but I couldn’t make any sense of what they were yelling about, when suddenly Miss Tanner rushed into the washroom and ushered them out and down the stairs to the office.
I asked the girl beside me what they were going to do to them. She just looked at me and said “strap.” I hear it’s a yardstick that the Principal uses to punish people who do something wrong — we are strictly not allowed to use our own language in this place. English only.
Which reminds me, I thought I was pretty good with my English, and writing in particular. But I’m discovering that I’m not as good as I thought I was. My English papers keep coming back from the teacher with great red marks and Xs. I can’t figure out what is wrong with my writing most of the time. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.
There was a beige dog running flat out around the park when we were coming home from school. It kept running back and forth, and several times it ran toward us and then it would run back to the park again. I think it was really panicked and lost. Poor dog. I just started crying. It reminded me of Jennie’s first dog, Chuck. It was really sad when he got hit by a train and died.
An Indian Affairs doctor came to the school to check us over. We had to go in one by one and come out through another door. I was walking behind some older girls and I overheard one girl saying that the doctor had touched her in places that she didn’t think had anything to do with a medical checkup. But they shut up when they noticed me behind them. I don’t know what that was about.
It’s getting really cold walking to and from school with our skirts on. I don’t know why they will not let us wear pants!
I really liked lunch today. The cook made toast with melted cheese on top with a slice of bacon on the top of that and some soup. That was yummy!!!
It was my turn to sweep the dining-room floor. There were two of us, so we were done pretty fast and we ran almost all the way back to school. I could have run all the way, but she got tuckered out just past the park.
It was cold today with our dresses on. We are not allowed to wear slacks. I think I have repeated that several times already! I think I wrote that down yesterday too!
We take turns using the showers, but there are bathtubs in the basement too. I decided to take a bath after supper. There was no one around. I took my time floating around in the nice warm water, since there was no one waiting for me. It made me think of Grandma. She used to heat up the water and pour it into the washtub and it was just big enough for me to squat down into it, and she’d wash my hair and back with the wood stove popping away in the corner. I really miss Grandma.
The two girls I usually walk home with after school were already by the main street when I came out. I was walking along, thinking about a project I had to do, when a car pulled up beside me. The man rolled down the window and told me to get in and he would take me for a ride. He was a balding, fat white man and I had never seen him before. I began to run, but he kept pace with me. The two girls up ahead had stopped to talk about something and I finally caught up with them and the car turned a corner.
I told the girls what the man said. One girl continued walking but the older girl asked me if I got the number of the car. I looked at her, puzzled, and asked, “What number?” She sighed and said, “The number of the car. Each car has a different number and the number is on the front and back. What colour was it?” I said, “Light blue?” Then she shook her head at me. “If that ever happens again, take down the number and the colour of the car and get a good look at the driver and write it down.” I asked why? She took one long look at me and said, “So the police have something to go on if something happens to you!” I blinked. “What do you mean ‘If something happens to me’?” Then she just leaned over and told me, “You are stupid!” and ran off to catch up with her friend.
I am sitting under the window now and I still do not understand one bit of that talk.
Right after that, though, I saw a car coming and looked for numbers and I saw some on the white square below the car. When the car went by, sure enough, there was another white square on the back with the same number! Then I saw light flashing on the right side and then the car turned right. Another car went by and it had different numbers on the square. It had a light flashing on the left and the car turned left! I hadn’t noticed the cars at all the whole time I have been here.
After supper, when I was sweeping the dining-room floor, I asked one of the older girls about the man in the car, and she told me that sometimes bad men throw girls in the car and drive them somewhere far, and hurt them really bad or kill them. That’s why I should always look around me and try not to walk alone.
I had no idea danger came from people in cars. I knew that a car will kill you if it hits you, but I did not know a driver was dangerous too!
I really enjoyed supper this evening. Yum, yum! Spaghetti and meatballs.
There are two Cree girls who always wait at the corner of the school at the end of the day, and they follow behind me, chanting and chanting in Cree. I don’t know what they are saying because I can’t understand them. Then this afternoon, they were on the street sidewalk, holding hands and blocking my way. I thought to turn around and go the other way around the block, but I’m getting really angry at them. So instead I started running right toward them as fast as I could and I crashed right against their hands flat out. I heard them smack against each other. I glanced back and one girl was leaning over with her hand over her face, blood dripping between her fingers, and I kept running. I ran all the way back. I’m sitting in the corner by the window now, pretending to be doing my homework. They are not in the dorm right now. I hate this place!
I get very angry sometimes and I don’t know why. It’s like a burning pain across my chest. I never used to get angry. I remember only once two winters ago when my brother Lyndon got into my box where I keep a set of embroidered hankies that Grandma gave me, and he had blown his nose on all of them. I don’t remember getting angry since. Now I’m angry all the time.
It was my turn to sweep the dining-room floor after lunch. The other girl was a big Cree girl who seems not to like me, for some reason. I don’t even know her, but she tried to trip me with her broom. I noticed a group of Cree girls that are very mean and they pick on new girls like me, but there are three older Anishinabe girls who are always nearby when they show up. So I haven’t been beaten up yet. I have seen some of the new girls with bleeding lips or scratches on their faces. I just try to stay out of everyone’s way and try to be nice to everyone. I smiled at a girl across the table from me at lunch and she just stuck her tongue out at me. Oh well.
I just finished adding Grandma coming around the corner of her cabin on my sketch. She is carrying a paper box from the store.
I’m sitting under the front window where I usually sit. I’m just waiting for the lunch bell to ring. Service was at the Chapel this morning and it was boring again today. I like the colourful windows though. I just have to get up when everyone gets up and then sit down when everyone else does. Then we march back to the Residential School. It is a big brown brick building. I think I forgot to mention that at the beginning. It’s a large brick building with a row of windows on each floor. It is three stories high with an attic on top and—
Oh, that was close! I looked up to see Miss Lewis come in and I just had time to switch my diary to my Blackie story I had beneath it. She came to see what I was writing, so I read her some parts. She thought it was really funny when I read her the part about Blackie running into a frozen block of wood buried under the newly fallen snow.
I am sitting facing the door, so I just have to remember to look up once in a while.
Emma never showed up again. She must be busy.
It is Thanksgiving Day today.
I’m not really sure what that means. Maybe it is just a day to be thankful for everything. Then I think they should just call it Thankful Day.
I never knew so many holidays existed. We had a special supper of turkey slices, mashed potatoes, gravy and stuffing. We even had a small piece of pumpkin pie each.
Back home, nobody pays attention to the holidays marked on the calendar.
Oh, I forgot. Last week, the teacher asked me a question about something on the board and I just shook my head. After school, he told me to stay at my desk and asked why I didn’t answer the question, because he knew that I knew the answer. So I told him I didn’t know which question he was talking about. He went to the board and wrote something and came back to me and asked me what it said. I told him I didn’t know, because I couldn’t see what he wrote from where I was sitting. He just shook his head.
An older Anishinabe girl and I were sent to a dentist’s office in town this afternoon, but I didn’t know where we were supposed to go. The girl stopped at the door of a large building, but then she decided to go to the Kresge’s store instead. I told the Supervisor when we got back, so that I didn’t get into trouble. So Miss Lewis is going to take me next week instead. I have a back tooth that needs a filling. Back home, the dentist who came to the school just pulled out our teeth. This will be my first filling.
When we got back to the Residential School, Miss Tanner handed me a letter. It was from Grandma!
This is what Grandma said.
October 4, 1966
Hello, Pynut,
I got your letter and I really do miss you too. Jennie ended up going home to her hometown, her dog Lucy with her. She is staying with her mother’s sister to go to the school they have there. I don’t know her address, but if you would like, I will ask her mother for it.
There is nothing going on here, as you will remember, nothing ever does. Blackie sits by his doorstep and I do believe he is really sad that you are not around anymore. He always looks disappointed when I come around the corner all by myself. There is a new teacher at the school this year. She is a rather big blond woman with her hair always pinned in a big bun at the back of her head. Several children are coming home with bruises from her hitting them with whatever she can get her hands on. I am glad you are no longer there.
Please keep writing whenever you can and I will answer whenever I can get to the store. Sometimes the snow is so deep, I have to wait until someone makes a track to the store. The young man down the way, Rob, says he will make a path to the railway tracks for me with his snowshoes. You remember the couple with the new baby? That will make it easier for me. At least the trains clear the snow on the tracks.
Take care of yourself and remember I love you always with all my heart.
Grandma
Grandma only mentions one letter. I have written her two letters already. I wonder which one she got?
A girl refused to eat her supper and she had to sit there until she did. She was still sitting there crying when we finished sweeping the floor. The other girls said that it was beef goulash or something. I just ate it. It tasted kind of like sour cream, but I ate it. I haven’t been punished yet for not eating my food.
I’m answering Grandma’s letter instead of watching television this evening.
If Grandma is not getting all my letters, I must be sure to copy everything into my diary.
Wednesday, October 12, 1966
Insy Pimash
Flint Lake, Ontario
Dear Grandma,
It was so good to hear from you. Yes, please ask for Jennie’s address. I do miss her and Lucy too. I’m doing fine and things are all right, other than that I miss you and the cabin. I am learning some new stuff at school and I discovered that I really love watching television in the evenings. I have seen a television, of course, when I was at the hospital or at the Band Office on the Reserve, but I didn’t know about all the evening shows they have here. There are shows for children and comedy for adults and then there are the cowboy shows and new music band shows. We also have a snack of sandwiches and milk while we watch the shows before bed. The meals are good too. That’s all you smell when you come in the side door where we come and go, since it’s just off the dining room and the kitchen just beyond that. It is a comforting smell and makes you very hungry.
There was a big storm last night. We could hear the wind howling around the windows and see the snow hitting the windowpanes. I was thinking of you, and if you have storms like that I hope you are snug and warm inside your little cabin. I miss Blackie too. I started writing a story about Blackie. It is getting quite thick. I put him in all kinds of adventures and he rescues people and drags drowning kids to shore and then he gets into fights with other dogs. I am going to draw a picture of him on the cover when I am done.
I wish I was there with you. It’s two more months before I can see you again. I can’t wait! We will go rabbit snaring and ice fishing with the little toboggan pulled behind us.
With all my love,
Violet (Pynut) Pesheens
The big Cree girl was sweeping the dining-room floor after lunch, and when I went to get the broom from the closet, she came in and grabbed it from me. I need a broom to sweep the floor quick or I will be late for school. She wouldn’t give it to me, so I just lunged and grabbed it from her. She held on, so I threw her to the floor and still she would not let go of the broom, so I pushed the handle against her throat and I put both my knees on both sides. I felt a hot, searing anger come over me. I never felt this kind of anger in my whole life before! I didn’t know I was that strong either! I worked hard with Grandma cutting wood and hauling water, so I guess I have a lot of muscles.
Anyway, I watched her face turn red and she couldn’t breathe, but I wouldn’t let her go until I heard someone coming. I jumped up and grabbed the broom and went out and began sweeping the floor. I could hear the girl coughing and gasping. When I finished sweeping and put the broom back, she was gone.
I was expecting to be called to the office for some kind of punishment, ever since we came home from school, but nothing yet. I guess I’ll just keep waiting. I wish they would just get it over with. I started shaking when I was thinking of what they would do to me. It’s bedtime soon. Maybe the Cree girl didn’t say anything.
I waited for my punishment for beating up the Cree girl before breakfast, but still nothing.
At lunch, I swept the floor and saw that girl sweeping up her half of the dining room without looking at me. I ran all the way back to King George School.
After supper, I went to the washroom and found blood on my panties. Grandma had told me that this would happen, but I didn’t know what to do, so I went to Miss Tanner and she took me upstairs, where she gave me an elastic strap to put around my waist, and it had clips hanging down at the front and back. Then she gave me a package of pads with long tails at each end. I stood there holding one tail, trying to figure out how I was supposed to put the thing on. She sighed and told me that these pad ends are what slip through the clips hanging down from the waist strap. It really is a weird-looking thing. I was very dismayed that this would happen every month for one whole week!
Oh, I wish I was home with Grandma. I cried before I could come down the stairs. I want Mother and Grandma! I want to go home!
The big Cree girl just ignores me now. The other two girls haven’t bothered me again either.
Miss Lewis asked me to come with her after supper. We went down the hall and into an empty room with a bed in it, and she told me to lie down on the bed. She said she’s studying to be a nurse and she has to learn how to change the sheets without moving me. We laughed a lot as she tried to follow instructions from a book. She had to do it four times before she got it right. Then one more time to make sure she could do it quick. That was fun!
While I was there, and since she was going to be a nurse, I mentioned about my cramps and wondered if I had to put up with the pain and the blood too every month! I told her it seemed like very unjust punishment to me. She laughed and gave me an Aspirin, saying that she could only give them to me one at a time and only when the cramps got real bad.
Emma came this afternoon. She was very happy. We walked to the park again and we talked about home. She says that her brother Mike wrote to tell her that her little sister got sick and had to go to the hospital, but that she is okay now. Otherwise, everyone is fine at home. Except an old man called Ol’ Moses had an accident and died. I felt very bad about that. I remember on January 1st he showed up at Grandma’s cabin for the “hugs and kisses” day, when people went around from cabin to cabin hugging and kissing each other. I remember Grandma and I went ice fishing right after he left, because we didn’t want anyone else coming for hugs and kisses — Grandma knew I didn’t like it.
Emma didn’t know exactly what happened to him. Maybe Grandma will say something about him the next time she writes.
I was in the washroom, washing my face before supper, when I heard someone sobbing in one of the toilet cubicles. There are four toilets against one wall. There’s a space below the door and I could see her feet. I asked her what was wrong. She didn’t answer. So I went into the toilet beside her and I stepped up on the toilet seat and peered over the wall. She was sitting with her hands over her face. It was Sandra, one of the Cree girls. She had scratches on her face. I asked what happened to her. She looked up and then opened the door and came out. I helped her wash her face.
She looked like someone punched her in the face too. She finally told me that her friend Angie had a boyfriend back home, who is now at the Residential School too. Sandra saw him outside after school and they started talking. Angie came out of the school and saw them and Angie just attacked her. I think Sandra’s going to have a black eye. I’m going to remember never to tangle with Angie.
I took a peek into the laundry room across from the dining room after supper today. The girls were there ironing the clothes. I don’t know which ones do the laundry, but the ones who were ironing were the Cree girls who used to bother me. I smiled and they smiled back at me.
I just realized that I have not seen Sandra.
We had meatloaf, carrots and mashed potatoes for supper, and when we were back in the dorm, one of the older girls said that the Supervisors, the Boss — that’s what everyone calls the Principal — and the other people who ran the place eat different food than us. I wonder what they ate that was different. I really didn’t mind the food we got. I really don’t care. They can eat whatever they like I guess.
Miss Lewis took me to the dentist this afternoon. We took the bus there and back.
She showed me the address of the dentist’s office, and that got me thinking, so I asked her how a city address worked. I only need to put “General Delivery” and the town when I write a letter to Mother and Grandma. That’s when she told me that all streets have different names and all the houses and buildings have numbers on them. So when we got to town, she showed me the street sign and then she made me find the building number. That was fun!
The dentist was nice and the filling wasn’t too bad. My lip was frozen on one side all afternoon. But, I was all right by suppertime. Miss Lewis was really nice to be with.
Sandra, the Cree girl, was back at her place at the dining-room table this evening. She still has a black eye. I don’t know where she was for the last couple of days. They don’t let us talk about anything, and no one tells us anything, so we don’t know anything about anything!
I bought another sponge toffee from the man at the park this afternoon. This time I was by myself, so I got to eat it all by myself!
There was hardly anyone around at the park today. It was cold and windy. That candy man said something weird to me. He never says anything, but today he said if I came back at five o’clock, he would give me a free chocolate bar. I didn’t like the way he was looking at me, from my feet to my head. I did not like that look. I don’t think I will be going there again. I discovered a small corner store down the street before the Residential School. I can just run there on the way home. There was no one in the dorm when I got back.
I am going to write a letter to Jennie, I think. I will try to mail it whenever I find out where to send it. I’ll read my letters from Grandma and Mother first. I’m feeling very homesick.
I’m sitting under the front window right now. I went to reach for my letters from Mother and Grandma, but they weren’t there! Someone has taken my letters! I had them on the top shelf of my locker, under some clothes. I’ve been crying since. Now, I won’t even see their handwriting anymore. It’s a good thing I copied the letters down here, but it’s still not the same.
We all trooped to the Chapel this morning. It was very foggy. The boys were running around in the field until the Supervisor bellowed really loud and they all had to line up before moving toward the Chapel. The girls were giggling at them.
It’s evening now and I didn’t like supper too much. It was roast pork slices or something, and I did not like the taste. I ate all the food on my plate though. All the girls are watching Walt Disney, but it’s about an airplane and I got bored. I just finished my peanut-butter sandwich and apple juice. I’m pretending to do my homework.
I asked two girls in the bathroom if they lost their letters too, but they just looked at me and said nothing.
I woke up with a nightmare. I was dreaming that Mother and Grandma were walking away from me on the railroad track and I was yelling for them to wait for me and I ran and ran as fast as I could, but I could not get any closer and they wouldn’t even turn around to wait for me!
I got up and went to the window. It was early morning and still dark. I saw a bus go by on the main street. I was just silently crying when I saw someone coming up the long wide driveway between the tall, sad-looking trees. I realized that it was the cook. I see her in the kitchen sometimes when I am sweeping the floor after breakfast. She is tall and big, has a round face, and her blond hair is always in some elastic netting over her head. She talks with a strange accent, but she just goes about her business.
At lunchtime, Miss Tanner called me and told me not to go back to school after I swept the dining-room floor. She’s taking me to an eye doctor. She drove the Residential School car to the place. After she parked the car, she pointed to the street and I asked if I could find the building number. I was almost sure there was a little smile that quickly disappeared when she nodded. We walked down the street with the tall buildings and finally I spotted the number. We went up the steps and found the doctor’s name on one of the doors.
After waiting a while, I was called into the room. The doctor asked me to cover my left eye and then my right while trying to read the letters on the wall across the room. Then a machine was placed over my face and the doctor started clicking different lenses over my eyes. After reading rows of large letters to tiny ones, I was surprised when the words on the board across the room suddenly came sharply into focus! When I was done, Miss Tanner said I could only have basic frames. They are black with a slight curve at the end. That was fine with me!
When we got back, she told me to do my homework in the dorm or take a nap if I wanted. It was too late to go back to school. She was really nice to me today.
We were lining up this morning, before we entered the dining room for breakfast, when Miss Tanner told us that Laura had to go home. Her little brother had an accident and had died. That was all she said. We were all shocked. We murmured our breakfast prayer and entered the dining room. Then we said the thanks prayer afterwards. No one told us what happened to the little guy.
There is a group of four Cree girls who are always together. They don’t bother anyone and I never paid much attention to them before. The leader is a girl with a pretty face. They are all from the same Reserve up north. The other three girls hover around her all the time and they even tie on her apron for her. They take off her shoes and put them on for her too. She just lifts one foot up and then the other. I hear that her father is a very important person on their Reserve. Everyone calls her Princess when she can’t hear them.
It is really funny to watch. Sometimes one of the other girls will say, “Look, look, here they come,” and they watch to see what Princess will do. The girls even try to do her chores for her, but they are not allowed. Miss Tanner caught them once and made Princess clean the whole washroom over again by herself.
After lunch, one of the girls at the table was tilting her chair back and rocking it back and forth and she was making faces at another girl across the table, and I knew her chair was going to go over! Just then, she stuck out her tongue at the girl across the table and kicked her chair back and her chair went crashing down backwards! The Supervisor was on her in an instant, hauled her up and out of the dining room and straight to the office, we thought! I don’t remember seeing her at supper.
It is Halloween today. I have no idea what that means.
I am ashamed to ask what Halloween is. I would really look stupid!
We made some Halloween stuff at school. Orange paper pumpkins, leaves and stuff.
I don’t know why. I just have no idea what the pumpkins have to do with it. Maybe a pumpkin is like a Santa Claus?
We got some toffee candies wrapped in orange paper as a treat after supper.
We were just getting ready for bed when a girl screamed. We all turned to see a man’s face with a horrible mask on, through the window on the fire-escape door. There is a zigzag stairway on each floor outside the building. That’s where he came up from.