It’s eight a.m. on Sunday and I’m in the kitchen making myself some breakfast. Adriana hasn’t appeared yet. When I walked past her bedroom door I couldn’t hear movement, and so I assumed she must still be asleep.
I barely slept myself. And what little I had was fretful. I kept seeing the hurt in Adriana’s eyes when I admitted to speaking to Stella yesterday morning. I felt like such a charlatan for having kept the truth from her. For feigning surprise in the restaurant when she told me what Stella claimed to have seen the night Ethan died. Particularly after she’d unburdened herself to me about Dr Adams. She placed her trust in me, opened up to me, gave her body to me, and yet I deceived her at every turn. Even though, in my defence, my actions were prompted purely by my desire not to hurt her.
The guilt for lying, for having caused her more pain, made me toss and turn. I kept thinking how one moment we’d been lying in each other’s arms, the next she was ordering me to leave. I should have listened to Jasper, should never have allowed myself to fall for Adriana. Let alone sleep with her. But it’s too late, the damage has been done, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she kicks me out. It’s something I need to prepare myself for when she appears.
I pour myself a second mug of coffee then start spreading margarine on the toast I just made, my mind still racing with thoughts. I was thrown when Adriana asked if there was something troubling me, and I fear my reaction has only made her more suspicious. I just hadn’t expected her to put me on the spot like that, and it made me wonder if she knew more about my background than she was letting on. I can’t think how she could, unless someone’s been putting ideas into her head. But perhaps I’m wrong. Perhaps she’s just an insightful person and I need to stop overthinking things. Mistaking harmless concern for something more sinister.
I pull out a stool and sit at the countertop, my toast and coffee in front of me. I don’t feel particularly hungry, but we drank a fair bit last night and I need something to mop up the booze. I pick up a piece and take a bite, all the time speculating what Adriana’s going to say when she appears. Perhaps I should be rejoicing at the possibility she’ll ask me to pack my bags. That I’ve unwittingly drafted my get-out clause, allowing me to be on the first train out of King’s Cross back up to Edinburgh. OK, so I’ve been warned to not even think about leaving, but if Adriana’s the one to kick me out then surely I cannot be held accountable for that? Unless every word of our conversation last night was being listened to and whoever was listening will look to punish me for betraying her. Hurting her. I tremble at the thought, and once again find myself staring up at the ceiling, at the crevices in the walls, wondering if there’s a tiny device concealed somewhere that’s invisible to the naked eye.
Just then, I hear faint footsteps approaching. I set down my toast, my pulse quickening as I watch the door handle slowly turn. Each second feels like hours.
‘Hi.’ It’s Adriana. I inwardly sigh with relief, while asking myself who else it would be. Aside from the arsehole who’s threatening me, of course.
‘Hi,’ I say, jumping up from my stool. ‘Can I get you some coffee?’
She gives me a weary smile. ‘Sure.’
She’s in her dressing gown, her hair messy and falling loose around her shoulders. No make-up. But she still looks lovely. If not tired. Markedly so. As she makes her way towards me, I see the dark shadows beneath her eyes, which are slightly bloodshot. Has she been crying? Am I the cause of that? Fuck, I feel like such a bastard.
Adriana sits down at another stool and waits for me to bring her coffee. The silence is excruciating. Once I’m seated again, she’s the first to speak. ‘Look, I’m sorry we fought last night. I should never have pried into your life…’
‘Adriana, I…’
‘Please, Seb, let me finish.’
‘Sorry.’
‘I shouldn’t have pried like I said. It’s just that after what we did, I felt so close to you and I wanted you to know I’m here to listen if you need me.’
I was overthinking. All she was doing was trying to help. To be kind. Unlike me.
‘But equally, it wasn’t your place to interfere in my life either. You should have been upfront about talking to Stella, you knew my position on that. It felt like I was being conspired against, but now, looking back in the light of day I realise you were scared. Scared to tell me she approached you after I banned you from talking to her. OK, so you could have walked away, but you’re only human, and I get that it’s not that simple.’
‘Thank you,’ I say.
‘And please don’t concern yourself with how Dr Adams died, or Ethan. It’s got nothing to do with you, and I mean that in the nicest possible way. Focus on your writing, not my problems, OK? I’m telling you as a friend, it’s for the best.’
She’s scared, I know she is. And I can tell she’s trying to protect me from whoever it is she’s frightened of. Not for the first time I can’t help wondering if she’s also received a threatening email. I’m desperate to ask her, but it’s too risky. For one, because I’ve been warned not to, and two, if I’m wrong, it’s only going to scare her more.
‘OK,’ I say.
‘So,’ she smiles, ‘what do you say we start afresh? No more questions. A clean slate.’
I smile back. Amazed and thankful she’s being so forgiving. ‘I like the sound of that.’ I hesitate. ‘And what about us? Was last night just a one-off? I mean, I’m fine with that, I understand if you want to keep things platonic.’
‘I like you, Seb. But as much as I enjoyed it, I think last night was a mistake. I think it will be simpler to just be friends. That way we can avoid complications like this.’
I feel a huge stab of disappointment as she says this. But I know in my heart it’s for the best.
I take her hand. Give it a squeeze. ‘Sure, I agree it makes sense.’
At the same time, I think about my meeting with Rick tomorrow, and am instantly filled with shame at the thought of going behind Adriana’s back yet again. And yet, I’m desperate to get to the bottom of what feels like something really bad. A mystery that needs solving, even if it means betraying Adriana once more.
I need to know what the connection is, if any, between Ethan’s and Dr Adams’s deaths. More importantly, whether someone in Adriana’s past played a part in them.
And knowing we’re going to keep things platonic between us from now on makes my guilt easier to bear.