‘How are things, Adriana? I know all this business with Ethan can’t have been easy. But what else is troubling you? Because I get the feeling that something is.’
I look at Dr Adams and wonder if I can trust him with what’s really preying on my mind, almost driving me to distraction. I think that I can. He’s never let me down to this day. Whenever I come to see him, he always makes me feel so calm, and I invariably leave feeling clearer-headed. He’s had that effect on me since the first time I stepped inside his office, and I’m hoping that will be the case today.
‘I, I just don’t understand why Ethan went up to the roof when he got home from the party.’
‘He was high, like the post-mortem confirmed. People do strange things when they’re under the influence of drink and drugs.’
‘Yes, yes, I get all that. The thing is…’
‘The thing is what?’
‘We argued the night before.’
He frowns. ‘You did?’
‘Yes.’
‘What about?’
‘For some time, he’d been asking questions about my childhood. Specifically, if something bad happened.’
‘Why would he do that?’
‘At the time I had no idea. He’d been behaving oddly in general, like he was spooked by something. And then, the day before he died, he confessed to reading some of my journals. The things I wrote down about my childhood, all the bad stuff that happened to me. Like you told me to. I was so angry with him, it felt like a huge betrayal of my trust, and I told him I wanted him out by the end of the month. But now I worry I might have driven him to throw himself off the roof.’
‘That doesn’t seem likely, Adriana. I know you were in an intimate relationship, and you cared for him. But for starters it was wrong of him to read your private thoughts, and secondly, from what you told me he didn’t seem like the depressive type. Am I right?’
‘Yes.’ I nod. ‘If anything, he was overconfident. The thing is, though, he got high before, but never went up to the roof at such a ridiculous hour. Even in summer.’ I pause. ‘I’ve not told Dr Martin this, but Stella, my next-door neighbour, claims she saw someone on the roof with Ethan. She thinks he was pushed.’
All at once, Dr Adams leans forward in his chair.
‘Really? But you didn’t hear anything?’
‘No, I was asleep. But I don’t understand how this person got in. You know how tight my security is.’
‘I do. And you found no evidence of an intruder?’
‘No, except…’
‘Except what?’
‘It’s just that, I don’t feel safe in the house. I haven’t for a long time now. It’s why I got a lodger in the first place.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘I don’t know, it’s a feeling, I guess. A feeling like I’m being watched. Again, I’ve not told anyone but you. Not even Dr Martin.’
‘Watched?’
‘Yes. Like when I’m walking home, even in the house sometimes. I know it sounds crazy, but things aren’t always in the same place I left them. I close the door when I leave a room, and sometimes later I find it open again. I worry someone’s been inside and moved things. Like they’re playing some kind of game with me.’
‘Can you think of anyone who’d want to do that?’
‘No, that’s the thing, I can’t.’
‘Do you think that perhaps it’s your imagination running wild, after the whole business with Ethan, after all you’ve been through generally?’
‘I thought of that, and yes, maybe. I mean, I’m not sleeping well. I go to bed, wake up hours later, but I don’t feel rested. I’m guessing lack of sleep can make you hallucinate, imagine things? Become paranoid. Dr Martin’s said that in the past. Ethan used to comment I never seemed rested, that I appeared morose, vacant sometimes. Charles said the same, before he died.’
‘It’s true, lack of sleep can have all sorts of detrimental effects. But is there something else? Because I’m sensing there is, I’ve known you too long.’
‘Yes,’ I admit. ‘There are occasions when I seem to… lose time.’
Dr Adams straightens. ‘Lose time?’
‘Yes, it’s like I have these gaps in my memory. I’ve been trying not to worry, but recently, it’s starting to get a bit much and I wondered if it’s low blood sugar or something.’
‘How long has this been going on for?’
Since I saw Jason. Since the night he came to the house. Since the morning I woke up to find him lying dead on my art studio floor.
But how can I tell him this? I can’t.
‘What is it, Adriana? What aren’t you telling me? Tell me, I know there’s something you’re keeping from me. Is it to do with Jason? You need to speak up, else we can never resolve this and you’ll never have peace. Did you do something bad, Adriana? Something you can’t remember doing? Adriana, are you listening?’
There’s a steeliness to Dr Adams’s gaze, a harshness to his voice I’ve not seen or heard before, and it scares me. Looking into his eyes, I think he suspects why I’m feeling this way. But if I tell him the truth about Jason, that will be it. He’ll never agree to keep my secret, no matter how sorry he feels for me. I suddenly can’t breathe, I feel so confused, so dizzy, like the walls are closing in on me. I need to get out of here now, need someone to rescue me from this uncomfortable situation. It’s how I felt the first time I saw Jason in the restaurant. How I felt the night before my parents died in the fire, when my mother had ranted at me. Stressed me out. And then suddenly, just like that, everything goes black.
‘Adriana, are you OK?’
My eyes motor through you. I’m so cross you let her down like this, Dr Adams. Pushed her to her limit. Why now? After all the years you’ve been so gentle with her, why did you have to go and ruin things?
There’s nothing for it. I’m out now.
‘I’m not Adriana. I’m her smarter half.’
Your face all at once twigs, and I feel a smug sense of satisfaction that I’ve managed to evade you, the great Dr Adams, all these years.
‘I see,’ you say calmly. ‘Do you know why Adriana hasn’t been sleeping well? Are you the reason?’
A rage burns through me. ‘Don’t you dare go blaming me for that! If it wasn’t for me, she’d most probably have slit her wrists years ago. I’m the one who’s protected her since she was a child. I’ve saved her so many times from those who’ve wanted to hurt her.’
‘Saved her? How do you mean?’ You pause. ‘Were you the one on the roof with Ethan? Did you push him?’
‘You think I’m going to go into details? I’m not stupid. Just lay off, OK? Don’t go working her up any more. She’s fine. She’ll be fine. So long as she has me.’ I pause, sensing what’s running through your mind. ‘And don’t you dare tell her about me. You’ll ruin her life if you do. It’s not her fault. She’s been mistreated since she was born and she doesn’t deserve to be punished. They’ll put her away and I know you don’t want that. I’m giving you a chance, Dr Adams. But this is the only one you’ll get. Don’t disappoint me, don’t you dare say a word to anyone. Because you won’t live to regret it if you do.’