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Ella
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What the hell am I doing?
Pacing around my apartment, I kept looking at the time, and checking my email, wondering when the papers would pop up in my feed. I wasn't sure if I was thinking clearly, or if I had literally just lost my mind, but I was honestly going to weigh his option as plausible.
It was the money. Did that make me shallow? Self-centered? Irresponsible and a poor judge of values?
I'm definitely losing my fucking mind. There's no other rational explanation.
Grabbing my phone, I sent Kayla a text. 'You around? I could use a drink.'
My phone pinged immediately, her response giving me a feeling of relief. 'Sure! Just tell me when and where.'
Telling her to meet me at our usual place as soon as she could, I slipped my feet into my flats and headed out the door. I had to tell her what I was thinking, and I needed her to give me a valid reason as to why I shouldn't even allow this idea hold any weight.
You don't need her for that, the list is endless. The small angel on my shoulder spoke up, reminding me that we were talking about a child, not selling a car or an old radio. A baby, a child, someone who need us their entire lives.
But it could also wipe my slate clean, giving me a chance to get out from the quick sand I felt like I was sinking in.
The sneaky red devil whispered against my ear drum, his words sweet and easily to swallow. Money, you need the money. This is what you've been waiting for. This is your out.
My brain kept going back to what it would do for me; me, me, me—Am I really this selfish? Could I really bring a baby into the world for my own benefit?
Walking into the bar, I found an open booth in the back and slid inside. I kept watching the door, checking my phone, fiddling with my hands, then repeating the same cycle. It felt like I was in some wild dream and none of this was real.
I waited for the moment when my eyes would pop open and I'd jolt up in bed, sitting in the cold sweat of a crazy dream. That moment never came, I wasn't dreaming.
A waitress came over and asked me what I wanted to drink. Ordering a beer for both myself and Kayla, I sat anxiously, my eyes stuck on the door.
Placing the two bottles down, the waitress gave me a smile. "If you need anything else, just let me know."
"Thanks," I said, taking a sip from the bottle and running the sharp edge of my nail across the dewy label.
I felt lost, almost like I was standing outside my body and watching from the shadows. Surreal, that was the best word to describe what I was thinking about doing. It was out of character for me, an option I could never have imagined I'd ever entertain.
"Hey, hey, hey." Kayla's voice floated through the air as she slipped into the seat across from me. "This one for me? Or are you double fisting tonight?"
Lifting my face, I gave her a half smile. "That's yours, not that I won't be double fisting by the time tonight's over."
"Oh lord, so, what happened? What did he say?" Taking a sip of her drink, she tapped her nails against the glass, impatiently waiting for an answer. "And don't lie, I know when you're full of shit." Throwing her finger up, she pointed it in my face.
Groaning, I let my head drop further into my chest. "I don't have a simple answer, Kay."
"Well, what did sexy Mr. Burke say? Can he do anything about the article?" Her smile grew wider as her lids lowered playfully. "Tell me he at least blew your mind to make this all worth it."
"He blew my mind alright, but it's not in the way you're thinking—" Picking up the bottle, I tipped it in her direction. "August needs something from me to fix this, and in all honesty, it's crazy—and I'm actually thinking about doing it."
"It can't be that bad, I mean it's one article, it's really not the end of the world." Kayla took a big sip of her beer, her eyes set on the ceiling. "Besides, it's not like he can't afford to have anything he wants. What could you possibly give him that he doesn't have already?"
"He wants me to have his baby."
Spitting the beer from her mouth across the table, a fine mist coated my arms and neck. "What did you just say?" she asked, her voice panicked, but not completely certain that she had heard the right words.
Grabbing a napkin, I wiped the alcohol off my skin. "Do you really need me to say it again?"
"I'm sorry, it just doesn't sound right. Maybe you heard him wrong, maybe he meant something else?"
"There was no mistaking it, Kay, he was very clear with what he wanted. I'm waiting for him to email me some paperwork about it."
"Wait—you're seriously thinking about doing it?" Holding up her hand, she tilted her head. "Did he slip something in your drink that's making you act all impulsive and shit?"
"No," I said, shrugging my shoulder. Rolling the beer bottle in my fingers, I kept my eyes on the glass, watching my reflection as it warped and changed shape. "I don't know what the hell I'm doing, I don't even know who I am anymore. The only thing I know is that I'm running out of money and that scares the shit out of me." Lifting my eyes to hers, I begged her. "Tell me I'm crazy, tell me it's a bad idea, tell me anything that would make more sense than actually going through with this."
Kayla stared at me, but she didn't have the look on her face I would have expected. She didn't look shocked or horrified, she wasn't raising her voice and throwing out her father's name for the purpose of sueing the guy.
Tilting her head deeper, she let her eyes roam around my face. "El, you know I love you, and you know I'll stand by you with whatever you do. But, I can't give you an answer to this, you have to decide this for yourself. Although, if I'm playing devil's advocate here, we are talking about August Burke. How many woman can say that a man like him, asked them to have his baby?"
"Probablly a few, he did post an ad for it, remember?" Giggling, Kayla started laughing with me, and I began to feel more relaxed. "Would you do it?" I asked.
"If it was me, and I was single, yeah, I know I'd at least consider it. It's fucking August Burke, that's enough to give me pause and really weigh my options."
"I didn't know who the hell he was at first."
"That's because you always have your head buried in a book or sheet music."
"Kay, I feel like this should be a no brainer. I mean, who puts an ad in the paper for a damn baby? It just seems so insane. And I feel even crazier for considering it."
Softening her eyes, Kayla gave me a thin smile. "Here's what I really think, you're not crazy. You're a girl who is stuck between a rock and a hard place. Lucky for you, that hard place has stone cut abs, and a face that can make you forget your own name. I think you should see what he sends you, and take it from there."
"I'd be having a baby, Kay, that's a pretty big life change. I feel insane for even debating it, like I'm seeing this as a way out and not for what it really is. I'd be getting paid to bring a new life into the world."
"It would be a big change, but if anyone could do it, you could. You're great with kids, El, don't over think it. If we're looking for honesty here, I say you got nothing to lose."
"Wait, wait, wait. . ." Holding up my hand, I cocked a brow. "Didn't you tell me not to contact that ad? And didn't you say it was creepy and weird and it gave you a bad feeling?"
"I did, but that was before I knew who the mystery man was. Now I know, so it changes my opinion. He's a good guy, El. His family is always donating to charities, and he's not someone you see with a different woman every other night. He's smart, handsome, and I don't doubt he'd take care of you and a baby."
Kay went on to talk a little more about his family. She had information about his parents, she knew where he went to highschool, and what type of car he drove.
"How do you know this stuff about him?" I asked.
"My father has been the lawyer for his family for years, we've met a few times in passing. But being a Burke, his family has also been in the paper on and off for years."
I should have fucking known. I knew his name sounded familiar and there was a certain level of recognition when I saw his face. But Kayla was right, I spent all my time trying to build my career, I didn't really pay attention to anything else going on around me.
My phone jingled, signaling a new email had come through. Picking it up, I opened the screen, and saw it was from August. "Here it is." Kayla got up from her seat, moving to sit right next to me, and looking over my shoulder as I opened the attachment. "What are you doing?" I asked.
"I'm being nosy, what does it look like?"
The email was actually a lot more simple than I expected. August had three major ground rules if we moved forward; One: I would not have relations with any other men while we were trying to get pregnant. Two: We must appear as a happy couple, living together, and doing things that other couples would do. Three: Once pregnant, I had to stay healthy.
As part of the agreement, he would provide housing, food, and medical coverage for myself and the child. After the child was born, August would continue to provide for the child and pay me monthly until the baby turned eighteen.
He wasn't lying before, there weren't any underlying conditions or fancy twists; all he wanted from me was a healthy baby, nothing more.
"Well?" I asked, twisting to face Kayla. "What do you think I should do?"
"Honestly, and I'm probably going to sound crazy even saying it, but I really think you should do it."
"You're serious?"
"El, you have nothing to lose. If anything, you're only going to gain from this. Imagine, a cute little baby, security, nothing to hold you back anymore."
"Except a baby." Arching my brows, I thinned my lips. "Having a baby would become my top priority. I might have to put everything else on hold."
"Why?" Kayla's voice spiked as her mouth folded down. "Women have kids all the time and still succeed in life. Shit, they have entire families and get a damn degree. It won't be easy, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. Your life won't be over if you do this, your life would just be growing, and in the best way possible." Moving back to the other seat, she kept her eyes on mine. "Maybe this is what you need to actually reach the goals you've put on yourself, something to push you to work a little harder."
Wow, I think she might be right.
Having his baby could be a good thing. And I knew without a doubt, I would love that child regardless. This wasn't just bringing a baby into the world, this was breathing new life into our lives.
"Well, what are you going to do?"
Dangling the pad of my finger over the screen, the thought of having a child was scary as hell, but I couldn't deny the small flicker of excitement that lit in my chest.
Every little girl at one point or another thinks about becoming a mother. For some that thought helps them to know it's just not for them, for others it's more than a dream, it's a need.
For as long as I could remember I've always loved two things; music and children. I thought being a teacher was my calling. Maybe it was more than just teaching, maybe that need was becoming a mother to a child of my own.
Using my finger to sign on the line, I tapped the send button without another thought, and sent the papers back.
"Looks like I'm going to have a baby."