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Ella
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“Where's August?” Kay asked as I walked up to her outside the coffee shop. “You're not having dinner with him tonight?”
“No, he has a meeting tonight with a new customer. I guess there's some chain that's about to start building around here from the west coast, August is hoping to get the liquor rights for his beer there.”
“Wow, I can't believe he let you out of his sight with it being so close to the baby being born. How much longer do you have now?”
“A week or so.”
“Holy crap, that happened fast!”
“Right, I was super ready for this baby to be out weeks ago, but now that it's right here, I'm terrified.”
Kayla pulled her phone out of her purse and was tapping against the screen as we walked inside the coffee shop. Keeping her head down, she said, “I'd be scared too, your vagina is going to explode like an egg from one of those alien movies.”
“That's comforting, thank you.” Giving her a shove with my shoulder, Kay's eyes stayed on her phone as she gave a half paying attention giggle. “Who are you texting—Justin?”
“Yeah, he just wants to know how long I'll be and if I'll bring him dinner.”
“Oh.”
“Why do you say it like that?”
“I didn't say it like anything.”
“Yes you did,” Kayla said, giving me that accusatory stare. “Are you still not over this whole hate on Justin bit yet?”
“Kayla he's just a jerk, I'm sorry.”
“We've been dating for months now with no issues, not one fight, nothing.”
Rolling my eyes, I squeezed my bulbous gut into the booth. “Yeah, because you don't say anything to him, you just do what he wants. Like right now, let me guess; you told him you'd be home in an hour and asked him what he wanted?”
“So, does that make me a fool for giving him a time and picking him up food.”
“No,” I said, holding up my finger and keeping my eyes on hers. “But, I bet if you didn't answer him or gave him the wrong answer, he'd go all ape shit on you.”
“El—”
“I know, I know, I'm sorry, I'm trying. I know you say lately he's been better, and I haven't been around as much because of this. . .” Looking down, I rubbed my stomach like a genie lamp. “So I'll lay off.”
“Wow—” Kayla reached across the table and touched my forehead. “Are you sick? Do you have a fever right now? I heard your hormones go all wonky when you're prego, I just didn't realize that it was like the body snatchers invasion.”
“Shut up.” Laughing, I grabbed the menu in front of me and started looking through it. “You know it's really not fair for me to judge him. You say you love him, and so long as I don't see him abuse you, and you tell him to fuck off when it's necessary, we'll be good.”
“You'll be good?” Kay asked sternly, veering her stare.
“Yes, I'll be good.”
“Girl, I love you, you know that.” Kay reached out and slapped the top of my hand. “And you better make sure I get a phone call when you go into labor.”
“Of course.”
A waiter came over, setting down some ice water, and took our orders. I had been craving egg sandwiches the whole third trimester so far. I couldn't go one day without having at least two, one for breakfast and a second for either lunch or dinner.
“So, how has life in my world been for you?” Sipping her water, Kayla smiled at me with her eyes. “Are you used to all the fancy food and people waiting on you hand and foot?”
“I try not to live in luxury too much. I have my own money from substituting, I try to help with groceries and doing things around the apartment so I don't feel like a leech.”
“What happened to Valerie?”
“She comes once a week now. I just couldn't do it. I'm there a lot, I can do all the things he was paying her to do. I hated just sitting on my ass and feeling useless. So, she spends most of her week at his mother's, and only comes to clean once a week.”
“The whole point of having a maid is for them to do the things most people don't want to.”
“Exactly, and that's why she comes to dust. The rest I can do no problem.”
The waiter returned, bringing us our drinks and my food. My stomach grumbled as the scent of the fried egg sandwich wafted up into my nose. Picking up the sandwich, I stuffed it into my mouth, moaning with how amazing it tasted.
“Did you just come?” Kayla asked, laughing out loud as she wiped her napkin across her forehead. “Because I want one of those now by the sounds you're making.”
With my mouth full of food, I started chuckling. “I might have, it's hard for me to tell right now.”
“Ok, so tell me the different names for the baby—what do you have?”
Swallowing, I took a sip of my coffee and wiped my mouth. “Alright, so we were thinking if it's a boy, we were going to name it after both my grandfather and August's grandfather, Jerrod Carson Burke, and if it 's a girl, Dahlia Florence Burke, after our grandmothers.”
“I love them both.” Picking apart her muffin, she took small bird bites. “The next baby you two have if it's a girl will be named after me, right? I think Kayla Marie Burke has a perfect ring to it.”
“Next kid?”
“Oh come on, you know you love this guy. I can see it, when are you going to admit it to yourself? And he loves you too, you do realize that, right?”
“I'm not admitting anything, love wasn't in the contract.”
“Love isn't something you write into a plan, El, it just happens.” Cocking her head, she squinted her eyes. “This is what I've been trying to tell you. You can't do anything about it, it just happens.”
“I'm not saying yes or no to anything. There are feelings, I won't lie about that. But is it love? I don't know.”
“You know, you're just too stubborn to admit I was right.”
“No, that's not true—”
Cutting me off, Kayla laughed out the words. “Yes it is.” Her eyes grew wide as she pushed her chest against the table. “I was totally right, it doesn't matter how much you try to push back.”
The word love floated through my head a few times, but I shoved it away. Because it didn't fit into the box that I was currently in.
“Alright, yes, I have feelings for him, but it's really hard for me to know what's true and what's just my hormones being all crazy. I mean, I love egg sandwiches, like literally love them right now, but that doesn't mean I want spend the rest of my life with one.”
“Joke all you want, but August Burke is not an egg sandwich.”
Smirking, I stuffed the last bite of my meal into my mouth, and chewed with full cheeks. “If he was, I'd be screwed. I'd eat him every single day.”
Kayla started laughing, her eyes tearing up as she tried to catch her breath. “That's gross, I just got a horrible picture in my head.”
Finishing up our drinks, I hugged Kayla outside. “This was fun, I needed to get out before this baby comes.”
“Hey, just so you know, I'm serious when I say love just happens. Don't fight it, you'll never win.”
Thinning my lips, I smiled and gave her a nod as I climbed into the car waiting for me out front. I knew my friend meant well and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that she was right.
I did have feelings for August. Feelings that coiled around my muscles like talons, feelings that went deep into my bones. Maybe it was possible he felt the same way. He treated me like a princess, offering me the world in the palm of my hand, even if I never took it.
But I was holding back, not ready to fully unleash what I felt brewing inside. I had to talk to him first. I needed to know if I was alone with these mashed up feelings, or if we were floating together side by side, and just not reaching out to hold each other's hand.
* * * *
After getting home, I fell asleep and barely remembered August coming in. I remember him picking me up off the couch and carrying me into the bedroom. I remembered his lips on my forehead and how he kissed my belly, then tucked me under the blankets, even taking the time to put the body pillow between my legs to support my belly.
But when I woke up this morning he was long gone.
Stumbling out into the living room, my robe hung open and my bare feet like I was walking on sausages. I couldn't even see my ankles, they didn't exist. I had forgotten what they even looked like at that point.
Valerie had been there that morning, I knew because there was a basket of fruit on the table and the mail from the box. The house smelled like a mix of cleaning solution and air freshener.
Gagging down a few gulps of air, I grabbed the paper and went up on the terrace. I couldn't take the fumes, they were too much.
Dropping into the lawn chair, I adjusted my robe, covering up my belly and curling my legs up so they were underneath. Unfolding the paper, I looked over the back, checking the local deals at the farmers market that day. Twisting it around to the front, I froze.
Is love in paradise lost?
We've watched August Burke over the past few months as his love and lover's stomach grew. But, it looks like these two might have called it quits. Last night, August was spotted at the New York's newest hot spot, Grandure, with long time flame Michelle Rivers.
Does this mean they've mended the torn fragments of their past? It's easy to see that August's baby mama is running ragged. Our insider informant has dished out some dirt. Ella Day, the name to the face has finally been revealed. While she comes from a small town up north, her big dreams have led her here. A source tells us that after several failed attempts at success, Ella has been hung out to dry.
Could she have gotten pregnant on purpose? Is this woman blackmailing August and he finally had enough? Sources say it's possible this was a ruse the entire time, and August couldn't see it until it was too late.
There were two pictures above the caption; one of me with crazed hair and half my gut hanging out as I ran up the road for antacids early one morning. I remembered that day, my heartburn was horrible and my throat felt like it was dissolving in acid. The second picture was of August sitting at a dinner table with a woman I didn't recognize.
Her hair was perfect, her body slender and amazing. She had perky tits, a flat stomach, a cute little button nose, and a smile that screamed fuck me now. August was sitting across from her, that signature smile of his on his face.
He lied to me. . . He didn't have dinner with his mother.
Crunching the paper in my hands, I couldn't stop glaring at the pictures. I felt stupid, I felt hurt, I felt like he had yanked my heart out of my chest and stomped it into the ground.
Tears streamed down my cheeks and I felt like I couldn't breathe. How stupid was I? I had let myself believe that maybe he had feelings for me too, I let myself think that we did share something special.
I was wrong.
The baby was almost here and he was getting ready to move on from this arrangement. He really did only want me to carry his child. Everything else was just to keep me sedated, he tempted me with love and security, and all of it was a fucking joke.
Jumping to my feet, I flew back into the house. I could barely see because my eyes were covered in tears. Wiping my hands across my face, I packed my bags and left. Why was I going to stay where I wasn't wanted?
Yes, I was having his baby, but he had said in the very beginning he wasn't going to make me do anything.
I wasn't staying anymore.
Putting Mr. Pink into a tote, I slammed the door as I left. There was no note about where I had gone. There was no number of where he could reach me. When it was time for the baby, I'd let him know, and then we could part ways, going about our lives as if this never happened.
You know that's never going to happen. You're having his baby, he's a part of your life forever.
I don't need him. He can have his model girlfriend.
Stopping on the sidewalk, I didn't call Jerry and ask him to come get me. Holding my head high, I waved down a cab and climbed in, refusing to look back.
August had lied to me, everything I thought I felt meant nothing.
What do I do with these feelings now?
They were still there, still bold and fresh and raw. Still slicing me apart from the inside out. The baby kicked me hard, causing me to stoop over my knees. Holding my belly, I cried in the back of that cab. The tears were endless, pouring from my eyes like a waterfall.
I cried for what I thought I had found.
I cried for the love I lost.
I cried for what was never mine to begin with.