Chapter 6

Water: A Reading to Help You Float

Water is emotion. It’s our heart. The moon affects the tides and we’re 60 percent water, so it stands to reason that we’re affected by the moon, too. The waxing and waning cycles affect us just as they affect the sea. If we allow ourselves to become dehydrated, everything slows down. We can’t think as clearly, and our body doesn’t process anything the way it’s supposed to. Our need to refresh ourselves is biological, but there is also a pull to surround ourselves in water. Swimming and bathing and showers—the buoyancy and the feeling of being cradled in the water pull to us.

Water

water

Heart

The prevailing thought when someone calls to get a reading about love is that they’re looking for their person. They are, but they’re really not. They’re looking for themselves. They’re searching for something to put in that hole in the middle of them. The hole was created by hurt feelings and judgement. By abuse and broken trust. In looking to become whole, we seek someone—anyone—to fill in that emptiness inside us. So it won’t hurt anymore. So we won’t feel so lonely all the damned time. We take whatever person shows a fleeting interest in us and try to figure out how to get them to fit in that hole. Sure, they’re verbally abusive (they’re just tired) or distant (keep their emotions inside) or neglectful (they’re just busy). We tiptoe around their broken bits and blame ourselves when we get cut. And most of the readings I do about broken hearts come at the full moon. Oh, she does pull on us. We expand and reach out and look for someone or something to connect to.

This reading is not about finding your person. I feel like I need to stress that point. Like all the element readings, this is about hitting a reset button on your life. Although emotional readings are often romantic, that’s not the whole of it, and they can often be a distraction from problems that we’ve been carrying around with us.

Water connects us to the moon and the waters of the earth. We are born of it, and it sustains us. Water is also the element that aligns with emotions. Sloshy, messy, weeping emotions. Sometimes they dry up and sometimes they flood us, and sometimes other people’s emotions surround us and drown us until our fingers get all pruney. Who wouldn’t need a reset button for their emotional life? Our water exercise is going to address where you are emotionally and look for ways to maintain balance and avoid carrying around another person’s baggage.

There are parts of my past that stick in my brain. They show up when I’m feeling vulnerable or unsure and remind me of alllllll the stupid stuff I’ve done in my life. Trusted that one person who ended up reading my diary to her friends. Believed a person who swore they would never hurt me. Believed a person who said I was worthless. Each of these things is a time (or times) in my life that I accepted someone else’s assessment of who I was and where my abilities lay.

I spent so much of my time just believing people and allowing their assessments to shape who I was. One of my first emotional letdowns came really early: my mother lost custody of me and my sister in 1976. I was eighteen months old and my sis was almost four. I don’t really like to go into it, but suffice to say that in the ’70s, in central Kansas, a court gave full custody to my father instead of my mother. So, you know, that’s noteworthy. My dad, however, is the most amazing person in the world, and I was lucky enough to get a pretty awesome stepmother when I was seven or so.

The loss of my mother, though, was significant. I was too little to be told why she left, so I filled that space myself. She left after I was born, so clearly it was because of me. I didn’t have anyone telling me anything different, so I believed the logical, if inaccurate, story that I wrote in my head. To little me, my mother didn’t want to see me, be around me, watch me grow. My fault. Because I was so small, all these reasons pushed into my skin until I started wearing them like tattoos. I wasn’t enough to keep her around. I was the reason that my sister didn’t have a mother. I was the reason that my father didn’t have a wife. I filled the vacuum of information with insecurity, and that became a part of who I was. (God, I’m thinking now that I need to tell my kids that kids aren’t responsible for adult decisions about anything ever, because I sure as hell wish someone would have told me.)

I did have mother figures in my family, and they made sure I knew I was loved and valued. They held space until my stepmother found our little family, and for that I am eternally grateful. I also co-opted Princess Leia and Wonder Woman to help me in my quest to find my mother. These women taught me to fake a haughty accent if I was feeling small and to be bulletproof.

Even Wonder Woman was not enough to fill that mother-
shaped hole that was inside of me, though, and that was something I struggled with for a long time. That feeling of “it’s okay to leave me” and “I am not worth fighting for.” Completely constructed from my own little brain but manifesting itself in so many ways throughout my life. I would put up with friends who bullied me, teachers who intimidated me, and partners who treated me like garbage. To strangers, I was fierce and self-protective and sassy. If they loved me even a little, though? I would do whatever I could to be sure that they wouldn’t leave me.

I became this hotbed of insecurities that would extend to work, friendships, and my first marriage. It was very narcissistic, in that I thought that everything that happened was because of me. The house isn’t clean enough, so he’s angry. I wasn’t present enough in conversation, so my friend is ghosting me. I probably deserve it. Even when dating, if someone didn’t call me back, clearly it was me. I don’t think I ever looked up from myself to see that maybe someone else was the problem.

When I was in my twenties, I needed someone to fill that hole. I tried filling it with booze and sex and weed or with whatever person would spend time with me. I convinced myself that I was lacking, not the people I chose as my partners. They didn’t stick around because I wasn’t smart enough or pretty enough or skinny enough. I just wasn’t enough. I poured all of myself into the next person who came along, hoping all this love I was handing out would stick. I continued throwing my heart as hard as I could at people, and when it slid off and smacked onto the ground, I would pick it up, dust it off, and look for the next person I could take aim at.

I’m writing this and wandering around my friend Sarah Kate’s house asking, “Why did I do that? Why did I subdue who I was and allow people to use me? Why was I so awful to myself?” I was about to go through some serious existential stuff when she said, “Honey, it’s because you were in your twenties. We all did that.”

Oh. Thank god for Sarah Kate.

That habit I had of putting other people’s happiness ahead of mine changed, for the most part, when I was about thirty-four. I realized that I wasn’t happy in my marriage and that I couldn’t fix it. I tried, but I couldn’t do it. I started looking up, you guys. I saw that I couldn’t change someone else for the first time in my life. I realized that I could only change myself. So I did. It was heartbreaking and traumatic and all the things that a divorce is, but at the end, I was looking up. I considered getting a tattoo that read “you can’t fix someone you didn’t break.” I instead got one that said “but then there was a star danced, and under that was I born,” from Much Ado About Nothing.

This is such a huge experience that I am currently in awe of that simple self-transformation. Memories of times when I allowed people who loved me to hurt me are flooding me. I took it and I took it because I thought that pain was a part of love. I thought that you struggled through whatever came with love because it was worth it just to not be alone. I was wrong. It’s so much better to be alone than lonely with the wrong person.

The divorce was the most significant shift, but I also broke up with some friends along the way. Some had been around for over a decade, but I noticed (head up, remember) that the flow of friendship only went one way. I would bend over backward for them, and when I had a crisis, they were nowhere to be found. It was painful and I wanted that kind of pain to stop. I cleaned house. I kept close to me those friends who would answer the phone at 2 a.m. with “What’s up? Do you need me?” and I released those friends who called me so often but never asked how my day was going. Completely one-sided relationships are so exhausting. One of the best side effects of this was that I was able to be a good friend to the ones I held on to. I wasn’t constantly helping drama queens put out their fires. I swear to god, some people are made of fire. I was able to concentrate on myself and my friends who weren’t roving garbage fires and, in doing so, had enough energy left over at the end of the day.

I still struggle on occasion with feelings that don’t serve me. It still takes me a while to realize that one of my friends is too dramatic or rude or inconsistent, and I would benefit from some space between us. I’m not perfect, by any means, but I feel like I can withstand a lot more than I could in the past. I find myself observing drama and then moving away from it as quickly as I can. I feel like the holes that were in me—created by loss—have been filled by confidence, self-love, and common sense. Common sense that seemed to be a last resort back in the broken days is my first choice when I need a weapon. My first observation is no longer “What did I do wrong?” but “Why are you such a jerk? Not my problem.”

Water Reading

water reading

Cards, 1, 2, and 3: What gets in your way?

Cards 4 and 5: What pulls you forward?

Card 6: What can you hold on to?

Water Reading Example #1: Sarah

Sarah is a mom and an artist and is pretty laid back, in spite of having been through some rather serious issues in her life. She has had some rough romances and is taking a break but wonders if she’s just better off alone. What if she finds another stinker of a partner? What if her heart gets broken again? On the other hand, she doesn’t want to be without affection, so she’s feeling really stuck.

water reading

Card 1: Six of Swords Reversed

What gets in your way?

It’s all well and good to say that you’re going to move on, but sometimes you just can’t. The past sticks to you like glue and won’t give you peace. The answer is not to just deal with it. The answer is to confront it—in counseling, with ritual, or with prayer. Deal with the problem of yester-you. Forgive yourself and let yourself heal.

This feeling that she might be moving backward in her emotional journey is terrifying. Just getting this reading, recognizing that she’d have to sort out her past to be wholly present—that’s scary stuff. If you spend a long, long time being afraid of something, losing that fear of it doesn’t just automatically make everything better. You have to get used to not being afraid. You have to fill the hole that fear left in you with something that will help you heal. Like crying. Or eating ice cream. Or reading a really good book. You have to acknowledge the hole and make friends with it until it heals. That’s hard. It’s worth it, though. Can’t have unattended emotional holes just lying all over the place, waiting for her to step in them.

Card 2: Strength

What gets in your way?

Strength takes many forms. Figure out what yours is and feed it. You have reserves you might not be aware of. Use your strengths—compassion, kindness, humor, resting bitch face, active bitch face. Use your gifts to remain strong—whatever that means for you. Sometimes it means sitting still until you can stand up under your own power. Sometimes it means faking it till you’re making it. Sometimes it means saying no and making that a complete sentence. No.

Sarah is strong. She’s one of the strongest people that I know, and yet it’s as if she doesn’t see it. She needs a reminder on a daily basis. I asked her to write a reminder on her bathroom mirror. I got a tattoo that says “fireproof” to remind myself. I can’t not see it or feel it. Sarah and I have been through some serious life experiences, and we’re still standing. We’re still resilient and joyful and looking for our balance. As long as we seek it, as long as we recognize who we really are, we’re going to be just fine. We are fireproof.

Card 3: Two of Swords Reversed

What gets in your way?

Listen, if you don’t want to decide, you don’t get to complain. There are a lot of reasons to remain in stasis, and you can for a while, but if you allow your decision-making to fall to other people, you get to experience their path. Do you want that? Do you want to walk someone else’s road? Even if they love you and mean the best for you, it will still be inauthentic.

Sarah has spent too much time quiet and embarrassed about her past failings. A lot of her healing comes from talking, writing, and making art. As long as she can take the hurt and anger and make something with it. Get it out. It won’t stick to her as much and she won’t carry her past mistakes with her. Keep being loud. Keep getting readings that put another piece of the puzzle in place. The right way to release herself from the trap that she is who she is and that she is incapable of change is however it makes sense for Sarah.

Card 4: Four of Pentacles

What pulls you forward?

Hold on to those things that belong to you and be generous when you can. Be sure that you have everything you need before you share. Be sure that you come first. This card also indicates that you should keep an eye on the things that belong to you. Watch your money. Watch your possessions. Be safe.

What can strengthen Sarah’s emotional self is protecting and being grateful for what she has. She’s got a solid relationship with her person. She has a warm and welcoming support system in her friends and family. She has hobbies that light her up and a job that she loves and is great at. All these things make her stronger. All these things are earned. If you’d asked twenty-year-old Sarah what her life would look like in twenty years, the details would have been different but the qualities would have been the same. To be loved, respected, and supported. To be able to live honestly and with integrity. These are things to hold on to and things of which she is fiercely protective. The other stuff that life offers is nice, but at the end of the day, knowing that you’re secure and happy beats the other stuff hands down. The four pentacles tell her to see how valuable her life is and to protect it.

Card 5: The Fool Reversed

What pulls you forward?

Just because you can just doesn’t mean you should. Just because the ledge is there doesn’t mean you shouldn’t look over the edge and double check your parachute. The Fool reversed throws caution to the wind. And common sense, a sense of pride, decency, and intellect. Just blundering stupidly into the next mistake.

Sarah is encouraged to stick it out. She will not jump. She will not be skittish. She will stay put and weather the slings and arrows of “Did you take the trash out?” or “Why did you say it like that?” and realize that sometimes she can be highly reactionary. She needs to realize that she’s going to do stupid things and then forgive herself. Most mistakes are temporary. She needs to stop carrying them around after their best-by date and stop defining herself by her lowest moments.

Card 6: Ten of Wands Reversed

What can you hold on to?

When you end a relationship, the shadow of that person follows you around for a while. When you get hurt, the shadow of that pain lingers. This card reversed asks you to sever the connection to the things that weigh you down. Have a ceremony. Write it/them a letter and burn it. Do something that tells the universe that you are finished with that person, the booze, that habit. Make a statement and then have a funeral for the thing that no longer serves you.

I hope to god my husband never reads this, because he’s an Aries and his ego might need to have a permanent room in our house after this, but here we go. Sarah’s advice here is from Joe.

When we first started dating, Joe told me that I needed to learn to put things down. I still haven’t learned this lesson. I like to chew on pain until I’ve sucked all the marrow out of it and then fashion a necklace out of the bones and wear them around, clanking into the night with tales of my idiocy. Sarah is exactly the same as me in that both of us can be complete idiots.

This is a stupid, narcissistic exercise, and we just need to stop it. Sarah doesn’t have this particular problem (ha—neither do I! Waits for three emails to arrive …), but she does have some problems that she needs to work on. She needs to make space in her life to address them and then put them down!

God. My husband is always right (eyeroll for years).

Summary

Sarah needs to go to counseling to work out some of this hurt that she’s carrying around with her. It’s gotten so heavy and has been around for so long that it feels normal to her. She should not seek out a partner until she is sure that she is mostly healed and won’t be looking for a partner to “complete” her. No one can do that. She has to complete herself, and the best way to do that is to work with a counselor on forgiving herself for past mistakes, learning how to move forward as a confident single person, and stop basing her future happiness on whether she’ll be able to hold hands with someone. She should aim for happiness, and if the hand-holding comes along, that’s a bonus.

Water Reading Example #2: Bella

I got to read for a friend named Bella. She travels a lot, for business and pleasure. She is single, young, and accomplished. She’s also bored to tears. She seems to date guys that have the same pattern: they’re very interested, they have a very good time, and then poof—they disappear. Or just as quickly, she leaves. She can’t seem to connect below the surface and it’s driving her crazy.

water reading

Card 1: Four of Cups

What gets in your way?

Don’t settle. Don’t pout either, but make sure that this is what you really want. Fussy and ripe for hissy fits and eye rolling. Apathy is easy to ignore. Don’t wanna. Don’t want to change, don’t want to take my medicine, whatever that medicine may be. You have to look deeper than the apathy. Why don’t you want to change? You know these behaviors make you sad, and yet you won’t put them down. Consider the why of holding on to the listlessness and figure out how that’s paying off for you. There’s a payoff for “meh.” Whether it’s the reward of not failing (you can’t fail if you don’t try) or the reward of being comfortable, decide if it’s worth being stuck.

Oh, Bella is so bored. Not just romantically, although that is a large part of it. Mostly because she has to, because of work and social obligations, hang out with a bunch of shallow people with whom she tries to dive deeply. She looks for connection with folks who are impossible to connect with. The advice here is to invest in a few people who have shown their loyalty and only deal shallowly with others. You can engage in relationships with acquaintances on a surface level and only dive into those friendships that are true. You won’t bonk your head that way.

Card 2: Seven of Wands

What gets in your way?

Tenacious. Literally, this exchange: “Are you done being sassy?” “No.” This is the honey badger card of the tarot. Not backing down. Not asking permission. Not going away or sitting down.

One of the problems that Bella is running into is that she’s been let down so many times by other people. When she meets someone new, even if there is a connection, her mind begins the countdown of when this person will screw her over. It’s difficult to make new friends, much less have a new relationship, with someone when you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Card 3: King of Cups Reversed

What gets in your way?

All the intensity and power of the king’s emotion flooding out of control. This is drama, you guys. Temper tantrum, hissy fit, manipulative, Real Housewives of Wherever They Are Now drama. The worst part of this is the power that the king has. He can make things really bad for you. He can trample cities under his feet. It’s not a good thing, and unless this card represents a true crisis, you should seriously take cover. Egad, the drama.

Another problem is that Bella continues dating but seems to be finding the same guy in different thousand-dollar suits. Same age, same MO, same ridiculous problems. She is looking for Mr. Right and keeps finding Mr. Right Now. Consequently, I grounded her from dating for six months. Not to be mean but so that she can invest in herself wholly and then come back to dating with a solid idea of who she is and what she wants. She’ll be more able to dismiss those who don’t belong in her world and engage with those who do, without the suspicion.

Card 4: The Hermit Reversed

What pulls you forward?

It’s normal to pull away from folks when you’re feeling sad. Absolutely normal. It is not normal to make it a long-term thing. If you find yourself isolating yourself unhappily (some people are just fine with solitude!), you should ask yourself why. What is making you push folks away, and what are you seeking in your self-inflicted exile?

One of her strengths is that she is a mighty extrovert. She needs to keep seeing her friends, continue building relationships, and get out of her house. Just because she’s not dating for a while (sorry, Bella!) doesn’t mean she needs to turn that part of her personality off. She has been pulling back because of the romance, but she still needs to hang out with her people. Crappy partners don’t get to define your social life.

Card 5: Page of Swords

What pulls you forward?

This card has so much potential. It is the idea that wakes you. The lightning bolt whose afterimage lingers like a neon light behind your eyes. The 4 a.m. scribble on the piece of paper by your bed that says “moon cheese” and nothing else. You’ve got the seed. You just have to give it care and space to grow, and it’s going to change the world.

While she’s on this dating embargo, she needs to dive into intellectual pursuits that excite her. Go to museums. Start a book club with friends. Find something that isn’t work related and doesn’t have a thing to do with romance. She’s bored. There are some great ways to rid herself of boredom that don’t include fellas.

Card 6: King of Wands

What can you hold on to?

Those boundaries you are working on have to remain strong. Your job is to keep Negative Nellies away and protect those things most valuable to you. This king suggests that you stop half-assing everything and start whole-assing one thing at a time. Finish what you started. Close your circle. Recognize that even though you want to be friends with everyone, you need to have a pretty keen eye for recognizing who people really are. When they show you—with their behavior, their promises, and their accountability—who they are, you need to believe them.

Bella finds her balance in travel. She has a safe and warm nest in Europe and friends all over the world. She is a wanderer and needs to continue wandering and pursuing the next beautiful thing. Her strength, essentially, is being herself.

Summary

Bella has been sticking with the formula that a lot of us learn when we begin dating. You become attracted to someone, you exchange information, you flirt online for a while, and then you date each other exclusively until someone gets bored or distracted by another person.

What I’d love for her to do is break this pattern. Take a break from dating, hang out with her friends, and be sure her life is fulfilled. When her break is over, she can start dating more than one person at a time. Keep it very surface, like it’s the ’50s. Dinner and a movie. Texting every few days or so. Full disclosure that it isn’t exclusive. Give it a few months to grow and if you have an idea that it’s not going to work out, shake hands and walk away. It’s much more civil and doesn’t start you down the path of “But we were talking every day and I thought it was getting serious.” You decide when it’s getting serious. You don’t guess or wonder.

Exercise

I learned this from my friend Keva. I was feeling pretty low one day, and Keva told me to write down everything that I was afraid of. I want you to list all your concerns. What’s bothering you? What came up in your reading?

Concerns

I’ll lose my job.

I’m screwing up my kids

I’m going to get a divorce.

We’re going to go broke.

I’ll lose the house.

My parents will die.

After you write down all those horrible things, make another list on the other side.

Concerns

Hopes

I’ll lose my job.

I will always be happily employed.

I’m screwing up my kids

My kids are healthy and smart.

I’m going to get a divorce.

My marriage is solid and we are crazy in love.

We’re going to go broke.

The universe will always provide us with enough.

I’ll lose the house.

We will always have a happy home.

My parents will die.

My parents will live a long, healthy life.

Now, tear that page right down the middle. Or use scissors. Your choice. Go crazy.

Take the left side outside and burn it in a safe place. Watch that page of fear catch fire and burn away.

Take the right side and decorate it. Get out your colors and gel pens and stickers and adorn your hopes and reality. Either post your hopes someplace you’ll see them every day, or tuck them in your journal as a bookmark. Make them prominent in your life. Believe in your hopes.

Hopes

I will always be happily employed.

My kids are healthy and smart.

My marriage is solid and we are crazy in love.

The universe will always provide us with enough.

We will always have a happy home.

My parents will live a long, healthy life.

After this exercise, go take a bath. Soak up the all the good energy from the compliments you’ve paid yourself and the hopes you’ve invested in. Soak it in and then let those complaints and problems go with a quick shower. (You shower after a bath, right? Cuz it’s like people soup?)

Important

If you think that you might be depressed or suffering from anxiety, please call someone to get help. You are not alone, and there is always a way out. Remember that depression and anxiety lie, and sometimes your serotonin reuptake inhibitors need a hand. Practice being kind to yourself. If you catch a nasty thought going through your brain, counter it with something positive and take a deep breath. You’re doing the best you can with what you have.

Homework

Make a list of what you’re looking for in a partner. If you don’t see those things in the person you’re dating, stop dating them. Just stop. If you’re married and things are not okay—don’t keep pretending they’re okay. That helps no one. If you are single and okay with being single, just be happy. Honestly. Your homework here for wherever you are is to be sure that where you are is happy.

Resources

If you need someone to talk to, you can always reach out. The people who man these hotlines genuinely care about their jobs and the people they serve. Just remember that whatever it is, it’s just for now. It really does get better.

Music

I can’t tell you how often music has saved me from myself and from my dark and twisties. Ani DiFranco, the Indigo Girls, Brandi Carlile, Johnny Cash, Prince, Al Green, Digital Underground, Blackstar, Neil Diamond, Lauryn Hill. Honestly, the list goes on and on. I have playlists for when I’m having a bad day (Queen, the Avett Brothers), when I need to be comforted (lots of John Denver and Joni Mitchell), and when I’m angry (Talib Kweli and Liz Phair). I have playlists that help me feel my feelings and scream (the Clash) and cry (Tracy Chapman) if I need to. Then I’ve got playlists to help lift me back up (the Beatles). I’ve got Spotify on my phone and it lifts me up every day.

Art

Invest in some art supplies. Coloring books, crayons, gel pens. This is the most relaxing pastime. Just color for a while. Or go to an art museum or a gallery. Surround yourself with beauty. When my kids were little, one of my favorite things was coloring on the sidewalk with brightly colored chalk. We would create entire oceans on our driveway and rainbows up the stairs. Just seeing it made me smile. The magic of art is that it is external but affects us internally. Being in the presence of beauty can shift your mood and allow you to feel lighter without a lot of internal struggle.

Flowers

Having freshly cut (or living) flowers in your house will help cheer you immensely. I can’t keep plants alive, so I try to get cut flowers every time I go to Trader Joe’s. I can usually get a pretty bouquet for about $7. This is a small price to pay for a splash of joy in your day.

Restraint for Empaths

Use it! The next time you’re around some crazy friend of yours who is going through drama, please watch the conversation as if you are watching a movie. Have emotional distance. Consider their position rationally and then respond to them calmly. It feels very different from joining them in emotional upheaval, and you walk away less exhausted.

Gratitude Journal

This part sounds stupid, but it works. Once a day, write down three things that you’re thankful for. It’s more difficult to hold on to those things that bring us joy than it is to hold on to grief. It can be as simple as a soft blanket, watching Deadpool, and hearing a great song on the radio. The point is to keep yourself present and notice the shiny things as well as the garbage that rolls in and out of your day.

Community

I have a lot of clients who are lonely. Either they’ve lost friends over the years or moved to a new place and haven’t really connected with anyone. I take the lead here from my friend Kelly. She moved to Nashville when she was in her thirties with two small kids and her husband. She knew no one. The next thing I knew, she was part of the neighborhood Bunco group (I hear it’s a game with booze), had signed up for a bunch of meet-ups for moms with young kids, joined a book club, and joined a meet-up that was designed to help you be a tourist in your own town. It’s ten years later, and Kelly has a thriving social life and has only held on to those friends and clubs that continue to serve her. These groups are an outstanding way to find people who share your interests.

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