Self-Care
I talked a little at the end of each chapter in the resources section about things you can do that will help you pull the energy of the readings in and help it linger. These things are mostly pointless if you don’t believe that you deserve them. If you are the kind of person who constantly takes care of other people and then are too tired to help yourself. If you work seventy hours a week and can’t remember the last time you got a pedicure. If you (like me) feel guilty when you spend money on yourself rather than on a responsibility—we need to talk.
You bought this book because you want a change in your life. I could wax poetic and tell you that if you don’t love yourself, you’d be hard-pressed to find someone to love you, but come on. That’s not always true.
What is always true is that if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t give 100 percent to your family or your job or your friends. If one of these is the reason that you can’t take care of yourself, then truly understand that you’re shortchanging them as well as yourself. When I was a social worker, the caretakers would often end up worse health than they started in. Sometimes worse than the person they were caring for! Heart attacks, hypertension, obesity, and diabetes. Caretakers would concentrate so much on making sure that everyone else was okay that they would completely wreck themselves.
When you’re totally invested in other people or in your job, you forget to make your house into a home. You forget to buy new books and play with your dog. All the pleasure can leak out of your world if you’re not careful. You could look up one day and see that years have passed you by and you forgot to pay attention.
Paying attention. Being present. These are the overall lessons that I’m trying to bring forth here. If you live in the past, you’ll miss the present.
Let’s think about the ways that you can take care of yourself. Not the “treat yourself” ways, such as shopping or manicures or buying a new toy. Let’s talk instead about ways to introduce you to self-care in your daily life.
Giving yourself space to breathe and to get things done is so important. Rushing around every morning only to rush when you get to work and then rush again when you get home is a complete nightmare. Consider simplifying your morning routine by starting some of your tasks at night. Lay out your clothing. Make your lunch and breakfast. Look at your time as if every minute of the day needs to be scheduled. This sounds counterintuitive, but I’ve found that if I allot a certain amount of time for things, I’m less likely to get distracted and lose my place in my day. Getting my kids ready for school takes forty minutes. Driving them to school takes twenty minutes. If we leave by 7 o’ clock in the morning, we need to wake up at 6:20. If I wake up twenty minutes before the kids do, I can let the dogs out and meditate and have my breakfast alone. Delightful.
Consider releasing those friends who drive you insane. You know those folks who blow up your phone when they’re having a bad day and it’s crickets the rest of the time? The ones who start fights on social media and turn every bad day into a personal tragedy. You can make a chart logging the things they ask of you and the things they ask about you. Make a tally mark every time they ask you to listen, help, and let them vent. Make a tally mark on the other side whenever they do the same for you. After a month or so, look to see which side has the most—or if they’re even. If the energy in doesn’t equal the energy out—or nearly—you don’t have a friend. You have a client and you’re an unpaid counselor.
If something makes you miserable, don’t do it. I’m allergic to grass. I’m allergic to pretty much every living thing in Missouri. After my divorce, I had a yard and no lawnmower. I tried to do it once, and nearly ended up in the hospital with an allergy attack. That won’t do. I also hated it. I found a kid in my neighborhood who cut the lawn every week for twenty dollars. Fantastic. I don’t fix computers, but I have a friend who does and who works for dinner and beer. Figure out if these things in your life are making you miserable and, for God’s sake, quit doing them. The same goes for family obligations, clubs that you belong to, social media groups, social media in general, and “traditions” that you’ve never really enjoyed. Just stop. I promise, the world won’t stop spinning.
If you have to, schedule time in your week to do nothing. I can’t tell you how important it is to just be still sometimes. I can remember sitting in a tree at my grandpa’s farm, reading Laura Ingalls Wilder books and watching the sun set. I can’t remember capturing a moment of relaxation like that in my adult life, but I’m going to keep trying.
Unplug your brain and watch a movie or TV. When I’m writing, I watch superhero movies pretty much nonstop. I love them, they make me really happy, and I can do something else while I watch because I’ve seen them a million times. There is nothing like snuggling with your kiddos on the couch and watching The Muppet Show. It’s entertaining, it’s easy, and it helps you disconnect for a while.
Speaking of TV, please stop watching the news all the time. It’s easy to get riled up by the unrelenting media frenzy. If you need to stay current, choose a news website like BBC or Al Jazeera. Check in once a day and then just stop. Ever since the OJ Simpson trial, news has become entertainment much in the way that the gladiators were entertainment to the Romans. Truth and beauty have gone by the wayside, and most news outlets are more concerned with selling you fear than they are with sharing the actual news. Don’t be there for it. Walk away.
What all these things have in common is that they have to have space and time dedicated to them. Sacred space for self is such an overlooked medicine. Sometimes it isn’t enough to take an antidepressant. You have to excise those things from your life that make you miserable and inject those things that light you up.
Here are some more little things that you can introduce into your week to make it a week worth living: read a book, take a walk, meditate, go to the library, go to a concert, talk to a stranger, balance your checkbook, play a video game, play a board game, pet your cat or your dog, hug your friends, have dinner all by yourself, have dinner with a bunch of friends, learn to cook something new, take a class for fun, learn a new skill, plant a garden, fix something in your house that’s broken, stretch your body. Breathe.
Another tarot exercise that is valuable for folks is to meditate on a single tarot card. If you are seeking peace in your life, choose the Star card and look at the picture. Look at the graceful bend of the woman’s back and the cool water she pours out. Look at the sky that surrounds her and the grass and flowers under her. Observe the tree behind her and the streams of water that are spreading on the grass. Do you see any symbols in the card? Are there repeating shapes? Make notes about the card and then put yourself into conversation with the character. Ask her a question. See what she has to say. Put yourself in her position. Why are you there? What are you going to do next? Do you dive into the pool or sit in the grass? Is your work here finished?
You can also integrate this card into your life by drawing the Star or your impression of the card, cooking something that suits her, or journaling about your conversation. One of my friends, Karin, made tarot soap when she was learning the cards. The major arcana soap was pink with sparkles and smelled like tulips.