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Others have sisters. Older sisters. My sister’s the one they all want though. She’s older than me by a couple of hours. She’s me with a slit and tits. We boys sit in a semi-ring of chairs on education-and-reporting night. The light from the vidscreen makes our faces shine like we’ve rubbed in radiation. Best would be to get a ladder and perch behind the vidscreen. I could look down on em. See their faces pale with longing. Pretend they’re looking up at me.

I don’t though. I join in.

A film’s just started. Teensquad puts up with the beginning coz they know how it ends.

It’s my film. I made it a year and a bit ago as my entry piece for teensquad. We have to make a film about our family home to show the truth behind family values. That’s the official shitline. Statesquad preaches crap like that and we all go numb and blank. We don’t run the streets to keep our homes safe. We run the streets to get away from home. We keep the streets clean coz that’s where we live. Home’s as full of shit as ever.

I call my film Fuck All, coz that’s what happens at home. I hate watching it but it’s teensquad’s favorite. They outvote me every time and set it running.

The film starts on the street facing our fence then goes in through the gate of the house. It’s a basic film. I kept the camera running and walked till the five minutes were up.

The gate opens and there’s Dad. He made us call him Pop when we were little. I’m Steven Sickel. He was Alan Sickel. Pop Sickel. Popsicle. It was a joke. A pet name. You give names like that to things you love. We grew up and let the name drop. I call him Dad when I call him anything, though it’s a lie. That old father son thing’s a dead concept. If he’s like a Popsicle at all, he’s like the stick that runs up through its center.

Dad’s in the garden. He’s stripped himself down to a pair of baggy shorts. What’s on show is a freak. His body’s white coz he protects it from the sun, with baggy pants and shirts with sleeves that hang over his wrists and hats with peaks.

Today he’s showing off for the camera. He says he’s got a six-pack and displays it indoors when he’s drunk but what we see are ribs. He’s tall, and walks in that loose way skeletons walk in vidgames, the limbs hanging or swinging. His bones should rattle but they don’t. He can go about dead silent, letting breath hiss through his teeth sometimes to show he’s still living. Grey hairs curl on his white chest, but the hair on his head is shaved with some grey fuzz showing like his head’s out of focus. His head’s a skull and the skull’s grinning. He’s wearing round steel spectacles, and boots on his feet. He waves an axe in the air. The muscle flexes in his right arm. His muscles are fine but they don’t suit him. He thinks he’s lean and fit but he’s sick. The muscles don’t impress me. I think of em as tumors. He’s about to chop down our apple tree.

Dad made money in lumber. He worked in the timber industry, before trees were protected and when they still grew. A statesquad inspector came and drew the white cross on our tree’s trunk. It’s officially dead. Dad can chop it down. He’s got a chainsaw but he’s saving all his fuel for some big gig so he raises his old axe. It’s his big moment, the last strike of the lumber man, and he wants it caught on film.

Well fuck him. Fuck that. I turn the camera away.

This isn’t his film. It’s mine.

I pan the garden. It was still a garden in the film, not the mantrap Dad’s been making of it since. Everything’s dead. Mom stood by the fence once long ago and said the other man’s grass is always greener. It was an old saying. It maybe made sense when grass was green and didn’t powder under your feet. The grass is brown, flowers and leaves brittle on dry earth, roses in the shape of the sticks and thorns Mom pruned em to when they died. It was her garden. She pressed its last flower, a yellow weed, between the pages of a book, and hasn’t come outdoors much since. In the film I walk the camera to the back garden and her silhouette blots the kitchen window.

I finish the garden and point the camera up at the house. It’s a red brick nothing house, dead ivy stuck to the walls, a door and a window downstairs, two windows upstairs, one of em mine and my brother Paul’s, the other Mom and Dad’s.

Back round the house and in through the front door. We turn right into the front room. Paul’s plugged into the console in the corner and doesn’t look up. He’s not changed much in the last year. His sweat stinks but that doesn’t show and if he stood up you could see he’s grown, but he stares into the screen as intense as ever.

Mom’s in the kitchen with her hands in soapy water. Maybe she thinks it shrinks em. It’s funny to see her just a year ago. You wouldn’t think she could grow bigger than she was then but she has. She still has a neck in the film. She can turn her head round without turning her whole body. Her walnut mouth is open, her lips forming words as a song comes out. She turns full round when she sees the camera, so she can give a real performance. She was a singer before the swelling started. She stood by a piano and sang songs. It’s one of these nonsense songs she’s singing now. She says they’re in German but who knows. She makes things up.

I don’t wait for her to finish. There’s no soundtrack in any case, just a pulsing beat someone’s added in the editing. I go back through the front room, into the hall, and start up the stairs.

Teensquad stirs. Hands slip down the fronts of their shorts. It’s a group thing. A group jerk-off. I don’t join in. I don’t pretend. I don’t like what’s coming though I don’t mind sneaking glances and the smell of come’s a turn-on.

Here’s my memory of making the film. Karen’s sitting on the floor of her bedroom when I walk in. It’s before she got her treadmill, when she was into yoga, so she’s dressed in silver spandex and lying on her back. Her arms are to her sides, and her right foot is pressed against her left thigh. Her ginger hair’s hanging over her right eye but she opens her left one, stares at me, and tells me to fuck off. I back away slowly. End of movie.

On the vidscreen things are different. Her fifteen year old breasts expand and the spandex melts away. A broad and naked body grows on top of her slight and dressed one. The breasts are so big they flop. The triangle of pubes between her legs isn’t ginger like it is but a bush of black. She lifts a finger with bright red nails and beckons the camera closer. We draw near and she licks her finger then slides it down her naked body.

It’s a digital remastering. Some image from pornbank’s been cloned onto Karen’s body. The work’s crude. Teensquad wants Karen coz she’s the youngest girl on the planet, but they’ve switched that fifteen-year-old body for this plump and heaving twenty-five year old porn has-been. She fingers herself, they jerk off, everybody comes.

Fuck All’s a hit. It’s a film about my life and I’m not even in it.

I turn the lights back on while the rest are wiping down, and head out for a solo run.

 

No-one’s banned solo running at night. You do it if you’re crazy.

I get crazy sometimes. The air’s still but the sun’s gone and I can run up a breeze. Go fast enough and runsweat dries off my face.

Old couples grunt. Baby boys wail. Teenagers scream their way out of nightmares. Sounds from houses I pass tear me up sometimes. You can’t run from being an empath but you can smudge out the sounds. I set the headphones to runpulse and turn up the volume. My strides grow longer and I reach the edge of town.

Town is lit by solar strips. Orange arcs of light leak out at night. Beyond the town, beyond the fencing, Cromozone blazes.

I take off the headset to hear it. The place has its own pulse. They say they run generators but generators roar and this sound is soft like a heartbeat. The place glows, from the sheds at the outskirts to the towers at the center. It’s a halogen glow that gathers in a dome as white as the moon.

This voicecard came from a statesquad unit inside Cromozone. The card came with the teensquad rations. They’ve made me the teensquad scribe. What happens in teensquad, what happens in my days and nights and thoughts and dreams, anything I want to say about my life, I can say into this card. It’s secret, they tell me. The card is encrypted and I must make my unique code. Whatever I write, only I can read. I am scribe and keeper of our teensquad records.

That’s a shitline, Cromozone. You’re listening to me now as I sit right here and watch you glow. Bet you are. Listen on. I’ve got no secrets. Secrets are treasures or secrets are guilt.

I’ve got no treasures. The world gives me nothing.

I’ve got no guilt. I’m young. It wasn’t me who fucked up the planet. Nothing I can do can make things any worse.

I’m scribing for the future. There is no future. So scribing’s pointless. Life’s pointless.

So scribing is the meaning of life.

Reading this is the most redundant activity in the world.

You’d be better off doing what I’m going to do now.

Run.