“ERIC!” the voice yelled again.

Now the boy blushed redder than a postbox.

The crowd looked around to see who this person was with the incredibly loud voice.

“Good afternoon, Grandma,” replied the boy weakly.

“Don’t you ‘good afternoon, Grandma’ me, boy! You are in almighty trouble! I ordered you to come straight home after school, but did you? Oh no! You had to come here to the zoo again, didn’t you?”

There was no answer to that.

Eric was BUSTED.

The old lady batted the crowd out of the way with her ear trumpet.

BISH!

“OW!”

BASH!

“OOF!”

BOSH!

“ARGH!”

“Look at you, child!” she exclaimed, spotting that her grandson was covered in gorilla spittle. “Your face is FILTHY!”

Then the old lady did something Eric and all the children of all the world LOATHE. She spat on her handkerchief and began furiously rubbing away at his face.

Now Eric was covered in granny spittle instead of gorilla spittle. The boy wasn’t sure which was worse.

As if that wasn’t punishment enough, Grandma yanked him by one of his sticky-out ears.

“COME WITH ME!” she demanded. “I bet this was all your Uncle Sid’s idea! That man is always filling your head with silly ideas!”

“Uncle Sid had nothing to do with it!” lied Eric.

“What did you say?” demanded the old lady, cupping the ear trumpet to her ear.

“UNCLE SID HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!”

Grandma stared at the boy. “Bread and dripping!” she barked. “I bet there’s another bombing raid tonight as soon as it’s dark, which,” she said, looking up at the sky, “is any moment now!”

With her free hand, Grandma hacked through the crowd with her ear trumpet as if it were a machete slashing through the jungle.

BISH!

“OUCH!”

BASH!

“ARF!”

BOSH!

“NOT AGAIN!”

Such was the commotion that more and more people began to gather: visitors, zookeepers and a stiff-looking man who was immaculately dressed in a morning suit complete with top hat. He tried to weave his way through the crowds.

“Please! Please! Some decowum, please!” he exclaimed. His voice was so achingly posh that his “r”s came out as “w”s. “Calm down, madam, please!”

“WHAT DID YOU SAY?” she shouted.

“I SAID ‘CALM DOWN’!”

“All right! All right! No need to shout.”

“Are you a little hard of heawing, madam?” asked the man, spotting the ear trumpet.

“A quarter past five,” replied Grandma, checking her watch. “Who are you, anyway?” she added, putting the trumpet to her ear.

The man was taken aback by her tone. He spoke directly into the end of the trumpet. “I am Sir Fwedewick Fwown!”

“Fwedewick!” the old lady scoffed. “What kind of a name is that?”

“Fwedewick! It is a perfectly normal name for a gentleman.”

“I think it’s Frederick,” hissed Eric, still wincing from the pain of having his ear pulled. “He runs the zoo.”

“You are wight, boy. Fwedewick! And I am the zoo’s diwector genewal!”

“The what?” she demanded.

“Diwector genewal!”

“Diwector genewal? What is a diwector genewal?”

“He is the director general, Grandma,” said Eric.

“How many times do you need to be told?” bawled Frown. “Diwector genewal!”

“THERE’S NO NEED TO SHOUT, DEAR!” she shouted.

“I must politely ask you to leave the pwemises!”

“The pwemises?” she asked.

“Yes! The pwemises. With haste!”

“Don’t you worry – we’re going!” The lady marched off. On each of her steps, Gertrude blew a raspberry…

“PFT! PFT! PFT!”

…making it seem like the old lady was blowing off.

The crowd roared with laughter.

“HA! HA! HA!”

“Oh! My goodness gwacious!” exclaimed Sir Frederick. “Who taught my gowilla to do that? Was it you, big-eared boy?” he barked, nose to nose with Eric.

“Yes, sir,” he confessed. “I was just trying to cheer up my friend after all the bombing last night. She was rocking backwards and forwards, and I was worried about her.”

“So you taught her how to blow a waspbewy?”

“Yes, sir,” replied the boy sorrowfully.

“This is a zoo! Not a circus!” thundered Frown.

“I couldn’t agree more!” snapped Grandma. “You need to have a talk with the boy’s great-uncle. He works here at the zoo. Sidney Pratt!”

“PWATT?”

“NO! PRATT!”

Grandma had dropped the zookeeper in a massive pile of elephant doo. Which, by a staggering coincidence, is exactly where Sid already was. However, Eric could hear that familiar clinking, clanking and clunking of the old man’s tin legs in the distance.

CLINK! CLANK! CLUNK!

On spotting Sid, the boy shook his head as if to say, “Run!” Sadly, running was not the old man’s strong point.

“Do you know this boy, Pwatt?” demanded Frown.

Eric shook his head.

“No?” lied the man.

“He’s your great-nephew, Sidney!” exclaimed Grandma. “I knew you were daft, but I didn’t know you were this daft!”

“Oh, yes, I do, then,” said Sid.

“Yes or no?” pressed Frown.

“A bit of both. No, I didn’t know him, before he was born. But now I do, yes.”

“I tell my grandson time and time again there’s a war on! It’s not safe! He needs to come straight home from school!” began Grandma. “But oh no! Sidney Pratt has other ideas! Wants the boy to be a zookeeper just like him! Shovelling doodahs all day! I bet he even sneaks the boy in here for free!”

Frown frowned. “Fwee? FWEE! Is this twue?”

Sid looked at Eric. The boy shook his head again, but the old man knew the game was up.

“Yes. It is twue, I mean true. My little Eric loves the animals, you see, and they love him…”

“Sidney Pwatt, wait for me in my office! You two, leave the zoo wight now.”

“YOU WHAT?” barked Grandma, pushing the trumpet closer to her ear.

“LEAVE!”

“THERE’S NO NEED TO SHOUT! And don’t worry! We’re going! I wouldn’t come back into this stinky old place if you paid me!” huffed Grandma, yanking Eric’s sticky-out ear. She’d made it stick out even further.

“OW!” exclaimed Eric as he was hauled away. He stole a look back at Sid, and then at Gertrude. The gorilla was sitting in her cage, having watched the entire scene. Although she couldn’t speak human, Gertrude had clearly understood much of what had happened.

The boy was sad, so she was sad too.

The gorilla put her hand up to the cage. It was clear she didn’t want her friend to go.

“HEE-HAW!” she cried after him, offering a little wave goodbye. Eric waved back, just before he was hauled off out of

sight
     by his
       ear.

“OWWW!”