“Anything from the trolley, dears?” chirped the smiley old tea lady as she wobbled about in the compartment with the movement of the train. With one of her plump hands, she gestured to the impressive selection of sandwiches, cakes and biscuits.
Instantly, Gertrude’s gloved hand shot out from under her dress. As Sid and Eric looked on aghast, the gorilla helped herself to huge handfuls of everything.
SWIPE!
She began stuffing all the food into her face, making the most appalling noises as she ate.
“SLURP! GLURP! FLURP!”
The tea lady looked on in horror. Within seconds, this newlywed had demolished just about everything on the trolley and was still going!
“SLURP! GLURP! FLURP!”
“I am so sorry,” began Sid. “My wife didn’t have anything to eat at the wedding reception and she’s starving.”
“I can see that!” said the tea lady, now wobbling in shock as much as the train. “My goodness, she’ll eat you out of house and home!”
“How much do we owe you?” asked Sid.
The tea lady was trying to add up all the items, but they were disappearing off her trolley quicker than she could count them. To make it harder for her, Gertrude was now swiping the tea, milk and sugar too, and pouring them down her throat.
“Let’s call it ten bob!”
Ten shillings was a lot of money. It was also all that Sid had on him, so he handed it over with a weak smile.
“Maybe it would be best to leave us the trolley,” Eric piped up. “Just in case she finds any crumbs!”
“You promise she won’t eat that too?” huffed the tea lady. “I would get into big trouble if my trolley got eaten.”
“We promise,” said Eric.
“I don’t want to come back and see any bite marks!”
“It’s safe with us!”
“I’ll be back for it in a jiffy…”
Eric and Sid hurriedly helped themselves to anything that Gertrude hadn’t already scoffed. Eric chose a Scotch egg, and Sid a jam doughnut. However, just as they raised them to their mouths to eat, Gertrude’s hand snatched them away and stuffed them in hers. Quite what a Scotch egg and a doughnut tasted like eaten together was anyone’s guess, but the gorilla seemed happy enough. After she’d wolfed (or rather ‘gorillaed’*) them down, she let out the most deafening BURP.
Her veil flapped up with the force of it.
It was quite the eggiest, sausagiest, mustardiest, jammiest, doughnuttiest burp you could ever have the misfortune to smell.
Eric leaped up to open the window.
SHUNT!
But the air gushing in just swirled the burp around and the smell went right up his nose.
WHOOSH!
“YUCK!”
Instantly, he closed the window and slumped back down. He and Sid had been up all night and were exhausted. They leaned back on the headrests and closed their eyes. No sooner were they drifting off to sleep than they were awoken by a deafening noise.
“PFFFFFFFT!” came a sound not unlike one of the raspberries that Gertrude would blow.
Except this was no raspberry. This was a bottom raspberry.
A gorilla burp is bad enough, but a gorilla bottom burp is something else. You need a gas mask to survive it.
“I think Gertrude needs to use the lavatory!” announced a choking Sid, his eyes watering from the stink. “As a matter of some urgency!”
“YOU DON’T SAY!” exclaimed the boy sarcastically.
“I’d better take her down the corridor to the loo!”
“Yes! Right away!”
Eric pulled back the veil to have a proper look at the gorilla’s face. By the squirming expression, the boy knew they didn’t have much time.
“I don’t think you’re going to make it all the way to the toilet!” exclaimed the boy.
“Oh no! She’s going to spoil her lovely wedding dress.”
“There is one thing we can do!”
“What’s that?” asked Sid.
“Stick her bottom out of the window!”
“BUT—!” protested the old man.
“PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!”
It was another gorilla bottom burp, even more thunderous than the last.
“Come on, old girl,” said Sid as they helped the gorilla into position.
Eric slid down the window.
SHUNT!
Like a cannon firing so did the gorilla’s bottom.
BANG!
Something brown and missile-shaped shot out of the window.
WHIZZ!
It zoomed over some trees, landing in a farmer’s field, where it exploded.
KABOOM!
It caused a herd of cattle to scatter.
“MOOO!”
“MOOO!”
“MOOO!”
The tea lady came back to witness the pair holding the bride’s bottom out of the window.
“As promised!” chirped the boy. “No bite marks on your trolley!”
“Is she all right?” she asked.
“Yes. Just enjoying the country air!”
The now incredibly wobbly lady grabbed her trolley and trundled off down the corridor at speed.
“Now, let’s all settle down and try to get some rest before we reach Bognor Regis,” suggested Sid.
Each laid a head on the gorilla’s shoulder, and she cuddled them both tight. In no time, the exhausted trio were fast asleep.
“ZZZZ! ZZZZ! ZZZZ!”
Little did they know who would be waiting for them
when they woke up…
* Your Walliamsictionary has this and billions of other made-up words.