Thirty

I spend the next hour trying to construct an email that makes sense and conveys everything I need to say to Mom. It takes me an inordinate number of tries, but I guess that’s because it’s a really hard subject, and I’ve got to dig super deep to get at all of the reasons I acted the way I did.

Here’s what I come up with:

Dear Mom,

I owe you a huge apology after how I acted. Really how I’ve been acting for the past year. I should have come to you when I found out about the lawsuit and not jumped to conclusions about my condition. The thing is, when I saw that lawsuit, I was so angry. It’s like all the feelings I’d pushed down or pushed away about how hard things are for me sometimes, all bubbled up and exploded.

I stopped trying in classes. I stopped being Dad’s tough little girl. I just wanted to give up on myself. Maybe everyone feels that way in high school? And maybe a small part of me felt like it before and just didn’t want to admit it. I believed in silly things like magic and saints and the possibility of everything being different one day. That day when I found out about the settlement, I felt like all of that came crashing down.

You are the best mom ever. Not just saying. Rena and Eric and I won the parent lottery, for sure. We’ve always known that. And I am so lucky to have the two of them also. But that all starts with you and Dad. I know that. I’ve known plenty of kids with siblings that don’t get along, with families not as close as ours is. Take Ben’s, for example. His older brother has nothing to do with him, and his parents aren’t much better.

The point is, I know you’d never do anything to hurt me. And without you, not only wouldn’t I be here, but I wouldn’t be the person I am today. And honestly, the entire anger at Dr. Jacoby thing was always a cop-out, anyway. I gave up on myself. I did that. And I want to fix it. I want to try the baclofen pump. As soon as they are willing to do it. And even if it means rehab because of my broken leg, I don’t care. I’ll do it.

I want you and Dad to help make my medical decisions, but I also want to have my feelings considered. I’m sorry that I hurt you and Dad with the Uncle Steve thing, but it wasn’t his fault. It was mine. I just want to have a say in things that affect me.

Can we make up? I love you, and I am so so sorry.

Jenna

After I press send, I lie back. My phone is on my tray and a few minutes later, my email pings.

Jenna,

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth, either. I couldn’t ask for a better daughter or a better little sister to Eric and big sister for Rena.

I will speak to the doctors about the baclofen pump, but I’m sure they’ll want to wait for a few weeks until the pneumonia is completely gone.

Whatever happens, we will face this together. Dad and I are very proud of you.

I love you,

Mom

As I finish reading Mom’s email I get a notification that I have a new email from BritCox@umass.edu. At first I can’t remember who that person is. Then, oh! The girl in college with the baclofen pump success story.

I click on the message, which reads:

Hi there, Jenna! I’m so glad you reached out to me. I’d be happy to be your go-to person through this process (should you decide to go with the baclofen pump—and I totally recommend trying it bc it’s changed my life!) and even if you don’t do the pump and just want tips on college life, accessibility, etc.

About me: I am on the student government at UMass. I run a differently abled group. (I hate the word disability even though I know some people in our community like it and use it.) I also work as a tutor in the writing lab, and am helping organize the dance marathon this year. College life is a lot, but it’s so good. My CP has definitely made it more difficult, but I can honestly say I am living my best life. (I know that’s super clichéd, but I’m going to allow it in this case because it’s actually true.) Let’s set a time to do virtual meetup and we can talk more. Finals are coming up in the next couple of weeks so maybe over winter break? Just let me know.

Whatever you decide, I’m rooting for you, Jenna.

Best,

Brittany

And just like that, my world gets a little bit lighter. I close my laptop and pick up my phone. I send a text to Rena.

Hey. Sorry I’ve been so dramatic and obnoxious lately. Sorry I made Mom upset. I sent her an email apology and she sent one back. I will try hard to be a better big sister and person.

It’s ok. You’ve had a super sucky fall and I know you were upset about Julian. Which, btw, you never told me you liked him and I feel stupid about that since sisters are supposed to know everything!

I’m especially sorry I didn’t tell you about Julian. But to be fair, you didn’t tell me about Chip.

True.

Let’s not be stupid with each other anymore.

Btw, you’re not allowed to date a senior.

Says who.

Says your big sister and your father and I’m sure your brother!

We will discuss this further!

Count on it. Love you, baby sister.

Love you big sister.

Now all I have to do is deal with Julian. But I think I can make that quick.

You know how I said I believe in magic?

Yeah.

I believe in my heart that I can fix this. I can find the person I used to be. Is that stupid?

Nope.

Thanks for reminding me.

Red heart emoji.

Red? You skipped over purple and yellow and pink!

Happens.

Smiley face emoji. And all the other applicable emojis.

Which are?

Use your imagination.