Missy’s arms grew numb. The feeling spread throughout her body, leaving her unable to move, barely able to get air into her lungs. She must fight the sensation, say something or do something as Wade stared at her, his eyes hard as the frozen ground they’d recently crossed.
Only one word came to mind. “Why?”
He averted his gaze and turned from her in one swift movement that left her aching inside.
She waited, any words she might have spoken sucked away by wave after wave of shock.
“It was my fault.” He managed to squeak out the words.
At the agony in his voice, the dam stopping her from speaking broke. She wanted to touch him, comfort him, but he was so brittle she feared that he’d shatter if she did. “Tell me what happened.”
He stared out at the mountains, but she knew he didn’t see them. He saw something so horrible, so unforgettable, that he shuddered. Missy wondered if he heard her request, and if so, if he meant to answer it.
“I found her.”
A groan ripped from Missy’s heart.
He continued, his voice a deep monotone. “She was in bed. At first I thought she might have hurt herself fatally, but I could see no sign of injury, and then I spied the lye bottle beside the bed.” He shuddered clear to his toes.
Missy wanted to ask why. Why would a woman do such a dreadful thing? But she dared not ask. Not with Wade looking as if the blood had drained from his body.
She edged closer, wondering if he would collapse, but then he sucked in air and released it in a whoosh.
Slowly, he continued. “I didn’t even know she was unhappy. Yes, I knew she was disappointed we hadn’t had children, as was I. But I said it was okay. We could be happy without them. I thought she was happy. I was so blind. I didn’t see that she was so desperate.”
Missy rubbed a hand along his sleeve. What did one say in the face of such a terrible thing?
Wade came about to face her, and at the desperation in his eyes her throat clamped shut. “I failed her.” The words rasped from him.
Stung by the depths of his emotions, she silently asked God to guide her words. “You can’t blame yourself.”
“But I can and I do. I should have seen her need. I should have done something to help her.”
“Wade, you aren’t responsible for the choices and actions of another. I think Tomasina had some serious problems. She must have been very unhappy to do such a thing. Sometimes...” The words came slowly, hesitantly. Missy did not want to offer an easy answer, nor make light of how devastating it must have been to find his wife dead. “Sometimes a person needs more than any other individual can give them. The fault then is with that person. It does not indicate a failure on the part of those around him or her.”
Wade clung to Missy’s gaze, searching beyond her words. Perhaps seeking understanding both from her and his own heart.
Then his eyes darkened and she knew before he spoke that he didn’t believe her.
He shook his head. “It was my job to take care of her and I didn’t do it.”
Understanding came in a flash. “It’s why you won’t keep the children. You think you’ll fail them.”
He didn’t nod, didn’t say a thing, but Missy knew from the way he hunched his shoulders that she was correct.
“Oh, Wade.” She cupped her mittened hands on either side of his neck. “What a heavy burden you carry.”
He groaned ever so softly.
“You can’t control everything and everyone. Not even those you love. But you can love them. Love covers a multitude of sins.”
“I wish I could believe love is enough.” His voice was harsh. “I really do.”
She pulled his head closer and whispered, “It’s the best we can offer, even if it’s not perfect.” She lifted her lips to his and kissed him gently, encouragingly.
He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close and kissed her back.
She pressed one hand to the back of his head and held him, her heart about to burst with sorrow and love all laced together in one sweet uncertainty.
They broke apart. Unwilling to leave the shelter of his arms, she rested her cheek on his shoulder. He lowered his head to hers and they remained in the embrace.
He released a pent-up sigh. “I couldn’t bear to think I might not understand the children’s needs and fail them as awfully as I failed Tomasina.”
Missy wrapped her arms about his waist and held on tight so he couldn’t break away. “Wade, the biggest failure might be in giving them away. Have you ever considered that?”
“It could be the best thing for them.”
She was unable to tell if he thought so or if he was trying to convince himself. “You only believe that because you are afraid of the risks. Life doesn’t come with guarantees. Only with promises—God’s promises. That should be all we need.”
He nodded.
She smiled a tiny bit. If he would begin to understand that, then perhaps he would find a way to keep the children.
He caught her chin with his gloved fingertip and lifted it so they looked into each other’s eyes. At the growing confidence she saw there, she slipped off her mitten and touched her bare fingers to his cold cheek, enjoying the feel of the stubble on his face. She trailed her finger to the corner of his mouth.
He caught her hand in his and dipped his head to kiss her palm, sending sweetness throughout her being. Then he captured her lips in a gentle kiss that she wished could go on forever. He sighed and looked out at the scene before them. “I thought life would be easier than this.”
She turned as well, to look at the distant mountains. “Me, too. But God is our refuge and strength.” Guilt stirred within her. She said the words and she wanted Wade to believe them. But did she apply them to her own life? What would she do differently if she did?
* * *
Wade lingered on the hilltop for another ten minutes with Missy in his arms. She’d given him much to think about. Had Tomasina needed more than he could give her? More than was humanly possible to give? If he chose to believe that now, could he find the courage to keep the children and somehow make a home for them? He liked to think of it being a possibility, but there remained the risk of failure. Even with God’s help he could fail completely and utterly, and the children would pay the price. Was he willing to take the risk? Was he being selfish in thinking he could?
“If only God would send a sign,” he murmured.
“Perhaps He will.”
“That would be nice.” The day had fully dawned and the children would no doubt be looking for breakfast. “They might worry where we’ve disappeared to.” Wade meant those in the house, as well as Joey and Annie.
Missy stepped from his arms and pulled on her mitten. “Goodness, I didn’t think about that. We need to hurry. Louise will think the worst.”
At the reminder of potential danger, Wade jammed his palm to his forehead. “I forgot all about Vic. It just goes to prove—”
Missy grabbed his hand. “It proves nothing except confidence the Mounties have lived up to their reputation and gotten their man. Besides...” She ducked her head and her voice fell to a whisper. “I was perfectly safe with you. Vic would not bother me if he thought he’d have to confront someone equal in size.”
Thrilled at her trust in him, Wade hugged her. Then they hurried down the hill, stopped to collect the children and continued to the big house. They burst in the door, only to be met by Nate, who was dressed to go outdoors.
“Louise wanted me to go looking for you. She worried Vic had come. I told her Missy was safe with you.”
Missy rushed to her friend. “I’m sorry for causing you worry. We simply went for a walk. It’s a very lovely morning.”
Louise hugged her. “No harm done, it seems. But I won’t be able to relax until we get news that Vic has been captured.”
Wade nodded. “My sentiments exactly. Believe me, I won’t be letting Missy venture out alone until we know that man is behind bars.”
They joined the others for a leisurely breakfast. Wade noted the many times the children turned to him for assurance and guidance, how they both pressed to his side after the meal. If only he could believe he could keep them forever and care for them in the way they deserved.
He left them in Missy’s care and went with Eddie and Nate to handle the chores.
“Just the essentials today,” Eddie said, and neither of the others raised a protest.
Wade, for his part, wanted to be with the children today and think about their future. Thoughts of them were his constant companions throughout the day.
After dinner, Louise and Nate and baby Chloe, Eddie and Linette and little Jonathan, retired to their rooms for a rest. Grady, Joey and Annie stayed behind, with Wade and Missy to supervise.
He’d hoped they’d play quietly, allowing him time to talk to Missy. He wanted to hear her say again that he didn’t need to blame himself for Tomasina’s death.
He sat in one of the wingback chairs that gave a view of the ranch. Missy sat in the other. He couldn’t help but think how right this felt. It was a thought he’d previously had only in his dreams.
He relaxed, ready to enjoy a quiet spell, but Annie stood before them.
“I counted. This is the eighth day of Christmas.”
He tried to think what the child meant.
Missy laughed. “So it is.” She turned to Wade and gave him a special smile. “I thought they might forget about the twelve days of Christmas.”
Annie shook her head. “We didn’t forget.”
Two little boys hovered nearby.
“Hmm.” Missy looked thoughtful. “I wonder what we can do. The babies are sleeping so we’ll have to do something quiet. Would you like to help me make up a story?”
Annie nodded, but Wade thought the boys looked doubtful.
“It will be fun,” Missy assured them. “Wait while I get paper and pencil.” She bustled away and returned with the supplies, then sat down and started writing. Over her shoulder Wade saw she was leaving blanks in the story.
“Okay, I’m ready.” She asked the children questions such as who was their best friend, their favorite animal, what they liked to eat, and then used the answers to fill in the blanks of the story. Finally she read it aloud and the children rolled on the floor at the silliness of a tale that began, “Once upon a time, a red apple found a piece of candy...”
Wade grinned. She was so good with the children, so creative and full of fun.
A scene flashed through his mind. Sharing many days like this with her...the children nearby, a feeling of peace in the room and a sense of unity and rightness filling his heart.
Was such a future possible? Even with God’s help? If only he could be sure.
A noise drew his attention to the window. He turned to look out and saw a covered wagon approaching. Odd, he thought, as it was cold to be traveling about like that. As it came closer, he could make out a man and a woman atop the bench.
A shiver crossed Wade’s shoulders though he didn’t know why.