“What wonderful news, Elisabeth!” When Carrie hugged her sister-in-law, she wore a genuine smile. As much as she had longed for a child of her own, she knew Elisabeth and Raymond were equally eager to add a baby to their family as a sibling for little Toby. It was a blessing for all the Trelawneys.
“I thought I had the sickness plaguing the village,” Elisabeth said, her face aglow with happiness, “but it was not that.”
“Morning sickness,” said Susanna with a smile.
“All-day sickness is more like it.”
Going into the parlor, Carrie rang for a footman to bring cocoa. The hot drink would make for an excellent celebration. She urged Elisabeth to go in and put up her feet.
“Not you, too!” her sister-in-law said with an emoted groan. “Raymond is hovering over me as if he fears I will shatter. I tell him to save his doting for the baby, but he will not listen.”
“Or he cannot.” Carrie smiled. “He loves you so much.”
“He does.” An odd expression crossed Elisabeth’s face as she pressed her hand to her middle. “Maybe I should sit. Not moving lessens the queasiness.” She reeled into the room and sat heavily by the hearth. Leaning her head back, she closed her eyes.
As Carrie was about to follow, Susanna drew her aside. “How are you?”
“Me? I am a bit chilled, but the cocoa will take care of that.”
“Stop it, Caroline!” When a maid turned to look at them with concern, she lowered her voice. “You do not have to pretend with me. Do you think I didn’t notice how often you looked as if you had been crying? You are my big sister. I watched everything you did because I wanted to be exactly like you. I saw your unhappiness, and I asked Mother about it. She told me I must never speak to you of it because she was sure that time would eventually give you reason to dry your tears.”
“She said that?” Carrie had never guessed Mother had ever mentioned her oldest daughter’s inability to conceive.
“Yes. I didn’t know what she was talking about then, but I have figured it out in the ensuing years. I know you are happy for Elisabeth, but...”
“There is no but. I am very happy for Raymond and Elisabeth. Beginning, middle and end of the story.” She smiled at her sister. “You are sweet to think of me, but I plan to be one of the first to hold the baby.”
“I am relieved to hear that.” Susanna paused, then asked, “Is not being able to have a child the reason you have never remarried?”
“It is not prudent to marry when one has not found the right person.”
She waved her hand to dismiss Carrie’s trite words. “You are being evasive. Answer me.”
“I thought I did.”
“Perhaps you gave me an answer, but you haven’t given me the answer. The real answer. I saw Lord Warrick with you and Gil. You looked happier than I have seen you since John died.”
“He has mentioned several times he does not wish to marry now when he has to devote his time to the mines.”
“Yet he has time to play in the snow with you and Gil. Would you marry him if he asked?”
She shook her head, unable to say the words, which would shut the door on her heart’s desire.
“Tell me one thing,” Susanna said. “How do you know you cannot conceive?”
“I was told by the woman who was the midwife in Porthlowen at the time. She said after so many years of trying, it was unlikely I ever would, especially as I was past thirty years old then.”
“She may be wrong.”
“She may be right. I cannot marry when I am not sure.”
“So you are making the decision for you and Lord Warrick without giving him the courtesy of telling him the truth?”
Carrie forced a smile. “You are talking about something that has not happened and is unlikely to happen. As I told you, Jacob has no interest in marrying now. If he were to change his mind, his marrying Miss Bolton would please his family.”
“But what would please him? I see him with you and the children, and there is no doubt he is happy with you.”
Not wanting to repeat the conversation she had had with Beverly Warrick, Carrie excused herself. Why did no one else understand that no matter how happy Jacob might be with her now, his happiness would sour when he learned the truth? They could not wed, and when he decided to marry someone else, their friendship would have to change.
She intended to relish every moment, knowing each one could be the last.
* * *
Jacob listened for the sound of the beam engine over the waves on the shore. He had spent yesterday afternoon and half the night working with Pym to get it running again.
Beverly had not hidden her vexation when he had excused himself from a family gathering with Miss Bolton in the parlor yesterday. His stepmother’s complaint he spent less time at Warrick Hall than he did elsewhere probably was valid, but her accusation he was at Cothaire too often was not. He had not called there as frequently as he would have liked.
He knew he could not leave matters as they were. He had caught irritation festering in Miss Bolton’s eyes when she thought he was not looking. Other than their one curtailed tea, they had not been alone together once.
Maybe Pym was right when his assistant said Jacob did not need to come to the engine house whenever the steam engine stopped. Certainly, almost every time, Pym was the one who discovered the source of the problem and could fix it without help.
Even if his assistant was correct, Jacob knew he could not remain away when the beam engine halted. The first thing he did each time was to make sure everyone had escaped the mine. The thought of someone dying while he did nothing left him nauseated.
However, spending time with his family was important, too. He wanted them to feel at home. Again he wondered if his brother had revealed the truth to the others. The next time he had a chance to speak with Emery, he must ask.
“Listen,” Jacob urged, looking at his family who stood by the closed carriage not far from the Porthlowen church. They had a splendid view of the cliffs’ double curve which sheltered the cove. They were bundled up against the cold. A resonant boom came from the base of the outer cliff. “That is the sound the water makes when it builds up in a tunnel within the cliff. The tide washes in, leaving more water than can drain away before the next wave. When the tunnel cannot hold any more, it explodes out.”
He waited for them to respond. No one spoke, and he had to admit they looked miserable.
With a sigh, he wondered how they could insist he spend time with them and then act as if they wished they were anywhere but with him. They had agreed when he offered to give them a tour of the area and now exhibited no interest in anything he showed them. So far, he had taken them to see the engine house and the foundations from an ancient settlement on the moor before coming to the cove.
Helen and her sister had complained about the dirty floor in the engine house, and he could not help thinking of Carrie sitting there when she had brought the meal they had shared with Pym. Beverly had no interest in walking across a field to see the foundations, because her boots were too low for the deep snow. He had hoped the tunnel in the cliff would intrigue them, but they clearly were too chilled to care about anything but returning to Warrick Hall. Helen and Miss Bolton had done nothing but grouse about the wind and the cold.
He was about to suggest they curtail the rest of the tour when the happy sound of bells came from the road leading to the village. Two sleighs came over the crest. One rushed past, and Arthur and his wife waved before they were quickly out of sight.
The other sleigh slowed. His grin returned when he heard Gil shout to him over the bells. The little boy was sitting next to Carrie, who held the jingling reins. She stopped the brightly painted sleigh close to the carriage. It had a single seat and a flat area, making it look more like a wagon than a buggy.
Miss Bolton put a hand on his arm, startling him so much he recoiled. She tightened her hold on his sleeve, but her face wore the same cool smile it always did when Carrie was present. When he glanced at Beverly, his stepmother was looking from him and Miss Bolton to Carrie, clearly waiting to see what would ensue. His brother and Helen climbed into the carriage in an obvious attempt to get warm, but his sister-in-law peeked past the lowered curtain on the door.
“Good afternoon!” Carrie called. “I have wonderful news to share, Jacob. Joy’s first tooth came through this morning. She is proud of it and showing it off to anyone who will stand still long enough to look into her mouth.”
“She should be proud,” he said with a laugh. “She suffered for that tooth.”
Beverly laughed from behind the scarf she had pulled up over the lower half of her face. “Now maybe you can sleep better.”
“Not likely.” Carrie rolled her eyes. “Another one is already bothering her.”
“If it is next to her first tooth, it should come in more easily,” his stepmother assured her.
“I hope you are right. She has many more to go.” She paused as Gil stood up and whispered in her ear. She nodded, then asked, “Would you and your family like to join us, Jacob?”
“Where are you bound?” he asked as Miss Bolton stiffened beside him.
“Gil and I volunteered to collect holiday greens for the house while Arthur and Maris help Elisabeth with scenery and costumes for the Nativity play. You are welcome to come along with us and see where we find our greenery. You can gather some for Warrick Hall.”
He was astonished when Miss Bolton said, “That sounds lovely.”
Beverly stared at the young woman by his side, and her eyes narrowed. Was his stepmother as dumbfounded as he was by Miss Bolton’s words? Only moments ago, she had been complaining about the cold and saying how eager she was to get indoors before the wind chapped her lips and cheeks.
Telling himself not to ponder on the mysteries wrapped up in Miss Bolton, he checked with Beverly and his brother and Helen before he told Carrie they would follow her. He assisted his stepmother into the carriage, then offered to do the same for Miss Bolton. She did not release his hand as she turned in the cramped space to face him.
“Do ride with us, Jacob,” she cooed, but her eyes suggested it was more of an order than a request.
“I have my horse.”
“You can tie it to the carriage.”
He withdrew his hand from her grip, wondering momentarily what he would do if she refused to relinquish her hold. She did let go, and her eyes snapped with vexation.
“I will ride Shadow,” he said as he stepped away.
“Are you sure?” Beverly asked. “You are welcome to join us in here. We can make room.”
“I am sure.”
He strode to his horse after telling the coachman to follow him and the sleigh. When he signaled to Carrie, she edged the sleigh into packed snow along the road. He followed and smiled when Gil waved eagerly to him again. Cheerful jingling filled the air along with the creak of the carriage lumbering after them.
Shadow shook his mane impatiently, and Jacob let his horse catch up with the sleigh. Shadow never liked not being in the lead.
“Thank you for the invitation,” he said to Carrie as he drew even with her.
“I thought coming with us would offer your family a chance to see more of the area,” she said.
“Perhaps, but they have not appreciated the tour I have given them thus far.” He outlined what he taken them to see.
When she laughed, he was perplexed. “What is funny?”
“I see I forgot one important lesson for you. When you are someone’s host, you need to entertain them with what they would enjoy. Not what you enjoy.”
He chuckled, amused by her comment, but even more delighted by her crimson face. The bright red accentuated her high cheekbones and her eyes the color of a blue sky through an icicle. There was nothing cold about them, however, for they burned with the heat at the very heart of a fire.
“I will keep that in mind, Professor Dowling,” he said, then asked Gil what he had been doing.
The child talked with barely a pause to catch his breath. His little voice mixed with the sleigh bells to make a joyous holiday melody. More than once, Jacob had to hold back a laugh at Gil’s impressions of the world around him, and he saw Carrie’s lips quirk.
Jacob’s eyes widened when Carrie turned the sleigh away from the road. Ahead of them was a tree-filled oasis amidst the raw desolation of the moor. The valley was little more than a cleft between two massive cliffs flanking a stream flowing into the sea. In its sheltered confines, greenery and trees grew with abandon as if to make up for the stark moorlands.
“I had no idea there was such a place this close to the cove,” he said as he stared around him.
“The soil here is richer and thicker than on the moor,” Carrie said as she stopped partway to the trees. “Here, trees can put down roots and survive the winds off the sea. Whenever I read a tale of fairies as a child, I always imagined they lived here.”
He swung from the saddle. “Did you ever find one?”
“No, but not for a lack of trying.”
When he held up his hand for the reins, she gave them to him. He tied them to a tree and turned to help her out. As she put her hand in his, the carriage arrived and halted where the wagon tracks ended. He did not have to look in its direction to know Miss Bolton would be watching closely while he assisted Carrie from the sleigh.
Confound it, he could not live his life to the expectations of a woman who seemed dedicated to a single idea: that he would ask her to marry. He treasured his friendship with Carrie.
Is it truly only friendship you feel for her? asked a small voice within his mind. He ignored it now as he had each time it nagged him.
“There is a saw as well as a hatchet in the back,” Carrie said as she lifted Gil from the seat. “Do you want to use one?”
“I will take the saw.” He reached into the rear of the sleigh and pulled out both tools. Handing her the hatchet, he asked, “Gil, do you want to help me?”
“Yes!” Gil bounced, sending snow flying in every direction.
After Carrie outlined what she needed to decorate Cothaire, he took the little boy’s hand. He paused when he heard his stepmother call his name.
He looked over his shoulder. Beverly looped one arm around her daughter-in-law’s as they and his brother walked to where Carrie had begun chopping sprigs of holly off a nearby bush as she sang a bright tune he recognized as a children’s song. When Gil joined the singing, Jacob wanted to as well, but he did not need a glance from his stepmother to know what she expected of him.
Putting the saw in the sleigh, he told Gil to wait. The little boy, confused, nodded, and Jacob glanced at him again and again to make sure he did not wander off while Jacob plowed through the snow to the carriage.
The door was open, and Miss Bolton sat as still as a statue. He waited for her to look at him, but she continued staring forward until he asked, “Miss Bolton, may I hand you down?”
She shook her head. “No, thank you. It is too cold to be larking about.” She turned toward him and gave him a smile. “Would you drive me to Warrick Hall, my lord?”
“You want to leave? Without everyone else?” He hid his amazement she would insist the others come and, as soon as they arrived in the dale, ask to leave. Comprehension came when Miss Bolton affixed a glare in Carrie’s direction. She wanted to keep him away from Carrie.
“Why, Lady Caroline can bring them when she is finished here. She seems interested in being such a good neighbor. This will allow her the opportunity.”
“There is not room for everyone in the sleigh.”
“Then send the carriage back for them.” She reached for his hand.
He clasped them behind him. “An excellent idea.”
She smiled broadly, but it faded when he went on.
“I will let the others know you wish to leave. If they want to go with you, then they can. Have a pleasant journey.” Stepping back, he called to the coachee to bring extra blankets from the boot for Miss Bolton. He told the driver to return after he had delivered Miss Bolton and anyone else who intended to leave immediately for Warrick Hall.
He walked to where Carrie was directing Emery on which clumps of mistletoe to cut out of a high notch in a tree. His brother held a piece over her head and winked. Jacob acted as if he had not seen either motion as he asked his family if they wished to return to Warrick Hall because the carriage would take any of them who did not desire to remain outside.
When they said they wanted to stay, he gave the signal to the driver to leave with his single passenger.
“Isn’t Miss Bolton joining us?” Carrie asked as she gave Gil a small piece of holly to carry to the sleigh while the Warricks moved to collect some ivy wrapped around a tree.
“No.” He lowered his voice, so his words did not reach his family. “She wanted me to take her to Warrick Hall and leave the others for you to bring when you were done.”
“Oh.”
“Is that all you have to say? Oh?”
“Jacob, have you told her you have no intention of marrying now? You must, you know. For her sake as well as your own.”
“You are right.” He needed to be honest with Miss Bolton that he was not going to ask her to be his wife. He would as soon as he returned to Warrick Hall.
Carrie put her hand on his arm and gave him a gentle smile that set off fireworks in his center. “I will keep both of you in my prayers, because I know how difficult it will be for Miss Bolton, as well as you.”
“Thank you,” he said, then asked, “How much do you need to gather? Enough for Cothaire and the church?”
“Just Cothaire.” She swung the hatchet at a dense section of the shiny, green leaves. “Raymond would allow greenery to be placed in the sanctuary, but it would distress some of the older parishioners who cling to the tradition that holly, like mistletoe, doesn’t belong inside a church. Some parishioners would like to have it, but, even then, it should go into the church only on Christmas Eve.”
“But you plan to bring holly and other greens into Cothaire before Christmas Eve.”
“If we waited to begin decorating, we would spend the whole night hanging holly and ivy and mistletoe instead of lighting the Yule log and enjoying our other traditions. In addition, some of the servants wish to celebrate Christmas Eve with their families. We always have extra holly, so they take it home with them to decorate for Christmas and the new year.”
Jacob got the saw from the sleigh and went to work, helping Carrie and his family pile greenery on the snow. He carried branches to the sleigh and placed them in the back.
“Holly!” came an excited cry as a sprig slapped against his leg.
Looking down, he smiled. “An excellent piece, Gil. Do you want to put it in the sleigh?”
The little boy nodded, so Jacob lifted him high enough to let Gil drop the small piece of holly on top of the longer pieces.
“More!” Gil rushed to where Carrie worked.
The sleigh was almost full when the carriage returned. It did not take long for the men to stack greenery on top and tie it in place. As soon as they were finished, his family climbed inside, eager to return to Warrick Hall.
“You should go with them, Jacob,” Carrie said.
“And leave you with only Gil to safeguard you?”
Her eyes twinkled like sunshine on the snow at the idea the toddler could protect her. “They are your guests. More important, they are your family.”
“I am beginning to think the rules of being a host are designed to make someone do what they don’t want to do.”
She laughed. “Now you finally have learned what you need to know.”
He chuckled with her before going to where Shadow waited patiently. As he swung up into the saddle, he almost jumped down again. If he did, Carrie would be disappointed in him. He did not want her ever to feel that way about him, so he waved farewell and followed the coach out of the valley, though his heart was begging him to stay with her.
* * *
Carrie watched until the carriage and Jacob were out of sight. She gave Gil a smile. In the most cheerful voice she could manage, she said, “We need more holly. Let’s cut it.”
“What about Jacob? Where is he going?”
“Home.”
“Why?”
“The others are too cold.” She forestalled his next question by saying, “We cannot stay much longer ourselves. Let’s collect as much holly as we can before we have to leave.”
She went through the motions and even managed to tease Gil, but her heart ached. That Jacob had done as she taught him was excellent. He was putting his family’s needs first. She should be proud of him, and she was, but she could not help wishing he had not been quite so attentive a student.
Lord, let me rejoice in what Jacob has accomplished instead of being tangled in my yearnings for his company. I need to be as selfless as he is, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize our friendship. Help me remember that.
Carrie’s shoulders felt lighter after she had shared her quandary with God. She started singing again and smiled when Gil sang along with her.
Within an hour, the wind was strengthening, which was a good reason to leave. Gil climbed in while she loosened the reins from around a tree. The jangle of the bells accompanied her as she sat next to the little boy.
She started to turn the horse in the narrow space between the trees. Suddenly it shied and jerked to the left. She did not see what had frightened it as the sleigh snapped like a riding crop. She ducked as it swung beneath some low tree branches and grabbed for Gil with one hand as she struggled to hold on to the reins with the other.
Gil cried out in terror as the sleigh slammed sideways into the trees. A loud crack echoed through the woods, and the concussion vibrated through her. The reins whipped out of her hand. The horse vanished toward the road, dragging the traces in its wake.
“Are you hurt?” she asked Gil.
He shook his head and clung to her. She winced as she moved her left hand to check his limbs. Both her elbow and her wrist were going to be bruised, but they had suffered no other injuries. Sending up a prayer of gratitude, she pushed aside the branches and climbed out on Gil’s side. Her side was pressed up against the tree, misshapen and cracked.
Carrie took a deep breath but could not make her knees stop shaking as she looked at the damage. Even if the horse had not run off, the vehicle was useless. One runner was bent and the other broken off and lying in the snow. Cut greenery was scattered in an abstract pattern around them.
Gil picked up a piece of holly and held it out to her. “Holly.”
“Yes.” She took it before she hugged him again.
“Ouchie,” he said, pointing to the sleigh.
She nodded. “It definitely has an ouchie. We will have to send someone to get it and our greenery. Let’s go. It is a long walk to Cothaire.” She could stop at any cottage in the village, but even that would be a walk of at least a mile. Looking up, she saw the sun was not far from the western horizon, and clouds were gathering.
Gil wanted to walk on his own, but Carrie lifted him on to her back as she had seen Jacob do. He clung while she pushed her way through the snow. Each step was difficult, and, by the time she reached the road where the carriage had stopped, she was panting as if she had run at top speed from Porthlowen to London.
Making sure Gil was secure, she headed toward the village. She set him on his feet when he insisted because she did not want to waste strength arguing. When he tired, she would carry him once more.
Suddenly he ran forward.
She cried out and gave chase as hoofbeats came toward them. If the rider did not see Gil, he could be run down.
The horse slowed, and she heard the little boy shout, “Jacob!”
Stumbling to a stop, Carrie watched as Jacob halted his horse. She stayed where she was when he jumped down and hugged the little boy. He asked Gil a question she could not hear past her heart that pounded even faster, when, after lifting the little boy and setting him on his shoulders, Jacob strode toward her.
He had put a cape over his greatcoat, and it flowed behind him like a dark stream. His hazel eyes focused on her face. She fought every instinct that urged her forward to embrace him as Gil had. How she longed for those strong, tender arms around her, holding her close to him!
Instead of doing as she wished, she said, “You came back.”
“Are you all right?” Jacob asked, and she was glad he did not respond to her foolish comment. “Gil says you hit a tree.”
“We were bumped about, but we are fine. The horse broke free.”
“I know. I saw it racing home. That is why I rushed here at Shadow’s top speed.”
“But why are you here?”
“You didn’t think I would leave you here alone, did you?”
“I have told you I am safe on these hills.” When he arched his brows, she sighed. “It is true the sleigh slid into the trees, but we could have reached Cothaire before dark.”
He set Gil on top of his horse. “I am sure you could have, but you would have been half-frozen.”
“I do appreciate how concerned you are for us.”
“Who taught me a gentleman should think first of a lady’s needs?”
She smiled. “Not me.”
“Quite to the contrary. You told me I should always follow a lady’s lead in conversation and make sure she is greeted properly.” He gave her a lazy grin. “You did not teach me I should rescue a lady from a sleigh mishap, but I could infer that from your other lessons.”
“I am glad.”
“I am, too. Let me get you up on Shadow and take you two to Cothaire.”
Exhausted, she nodded as she stepped closer. She drew in his warm, masculine scent as she put her hands on his shoulders. When she put her boot on his clasped hands, he lifted her as easily as if she weighed no more than Gil.
He undid his cape and told her to wrap it around herself and the child. When she protested, he insisted he would be kept warm on the lee side of the big horse. She was grateful for the thick wool when the wind grew stronger as they reached the village. She picked out the lighted windows in the great house and watched as they came closer.
Gil cheered when they went through the gate. He began to babble about how he intended to share their adventures with Bertie and Joy.
They stopped not far from the front door. As soon as Jacob lifted Gil from the saddle, the little boy ran to the house. The door was opened, and he vanished inside.
Carrie leaned forward to put her hands on Jacob’s shoulders so he could assist her from the tall horse. Snow crunched beneath her boots when her feet settled on the ground, and she stood between him and the horse. She was about to thank him for coming to their rescue when he cupped her chin, tilting her mouth toward him. With a gentleness that set her heart to beating like a storm wave upon the shore, he brushed his lips against hers. He drew back for a moment. To let her decide? Didn’t he know she already had decided she wanted him to kiss her? Not once and not as lightly as he would the children. She wanted him to kiss her.
Her hands slid up to his shoulders and along his nape. He smiled in the moment before she stood on tiptoe and pressed her lips to his. His kiss remained gentle, but it deepened as he drew her into his embrace. She had no idea if seconds or an eternity passed before he raised his head. All she knew was even her dreams had never been as glorious as this moment.
He kissed the tip of her nose, and she laughed. That sound turned into a gulp when she saw in his eyes how much he wanted to kiss her again.
Had she lost her mind completely? She should not be kissing a man she could not marry. When she stepped away from him, his eyes narrowed.
“Carrie?” he asked. “If I did something wrong, tell me, because I cannot imagine kissing you being a mistake.”
She shook her head, unable to speak. This time, there would be no lesson for her to explain to him what he had done wrong. He had not made a mistake.
She had. The biggest one she could, for she was falling in love with him, even though she knew there was no future for them other than as friends. Letting him think anything else was possible had been wrong, even though she had not intentionally led him on.
Running into the house, she went up the stairs as fast as she could. She heard Jacob behind her in the entry hall, but did not slow until she had reached her bedroom. She went in and closed the door. Sinking on to the closest chair, she hid her face in her hands.
She had not guessed how truly alone she had felt since John’s death. She had known it seemed as if half of her was gone, but she had never examined those feelings to discover their depths. Maybe she had been afraid to. Maybe she had seen the futility of it when there was no one to fill the void left behind.
Then the children had come to Cothaire, and she could have the family she had dreamed of. It was an improvised family, but better than the life she had been living. However, until Jacob had asked for her help, she had not accepted the truth of how much she missed having a man look at her as if she were the only woman in the world.
Lord, I have lost my way. And my heart, but You know I must never follow it into Jacob’s arms. Help me. I cannot do this by myself any longer.