I like sex. I’m good at sex. I don’t think I’m a sex addict though. There is a website if you’re in any doubt. They have a series of questions and if you answer yes to four or more then you have a problem. Well, it turned out that I wasn’t a sex addict…but I was an alcoholic. But then I was drunk at the time – so I may have answered the questions incorrectly.
‘Was I having sex compulsively?’ it asked. No, I’d say it’s more of a hobby than a compulsion. ‘Have I ever tried unsuccessfully to control the amount of sexual contact I have?’ With this body? It’s not easy!
I’ll tell you this though: I did once have sex to Alan Bennett. That’s to by the way not with. I’m sure he wouldn’t have minded. In fact, I think he would have been delighted. Felix, my ex – the impoverished writer, couldn’t get to sleep unless he was listening to the sound of Alan Bennett’s voice. He said it reassured him, helped him to feel sleepy and relaxed. So, there we were in bed together when he leaned over and kissed me, so naturally I went to turn Alan off but Felix stopped me.
“Don’t you think that Alan Bennett sounds erotic?” He said. “I do”.
“Well, I’ve never really thought about it” I said, “but I guess my instinctive answer would have to be, no. No I don’t”. He pouted.
“Well, how about we leave it on, anyway?”
“OK, fine”, I said.
Well, it did nothing for me, but I still had a good time and certainly learnt a lot about the Mitford Sisters. It’s always good to try these things. When it comes to the boudoir – I’m never adverse to experimentation. It’s healthy and everyone knows I’ve been a creature of whim since birth!
It didn’t last long after that. He did two things wrong:
1. He admitted to still being in love with someone else.
2. He answered his phone whilst he was still inside me.
Just a few weeks later, a friend of mine told me that she had spotted AB (Alan Bennett) in the vegetable section of her local organic fruit and veg shop, Planet of the Grapes. She said it took all the strength she had not to rush up to him to tell him that two people had made love to the sound of his voice.
We’re no longer in touch, the ex and I, but I do think about him from time to time, and I wonder if he’s listening alone or with company.
Just this morning, well, I heard Alan Titchmarsh on the radio and for the first few seconds I thought it was AB! I even considered getting back in touch with my ex to point out how alike their voices were. But I didn’t.
I think Pamela was my favourite…of all the Mitford sisters, you know, but I wouldn’t want to commit.