Ah, no. Oh no, no, no – I’m afraid you’re far too tall. Oh dear.
Ah, no, you’re too tall. It won’t do. How tall did you say you were on the phone, five nine? Five ten’s my cut-off point, I’m afraid. (Calling off.) Shut up Albert! Well you may as well come in anyway and we’ll see what we can do. Watch out for that lamp! Worth a lot of money. Don’t make them anymore.
Could you stoop down a bit please? Stoop. Didn’t they say on the phone? I have a neck injury and I’m struggling. I’m already struggling to look you in the eye quite frankly. My neck just won’t go any higher. It might help if we could sit, but as you can see…my chairs haven’t arrived yet! Tuesday they said! I mean it is naughty. Yes, we could try sitting down on the floor all day like some kind of Japanese banquet…
She laughs.
I’m sure you’d cope just fine. I’m not sure I could even get down there at the moment with this neck, let alone get back up. We could sit on one of those packing boxes I suppose but do be careful not to damage what’s inside. Ah, eye contact! There we are, very good thinking. Were you a boy scout?
Oh, I loved it! I was a Girl Guide.
She lights a cigarette.
I would ask you first if you minded, but how would you know you minded until I’d at least smoked one? Ignore me – I’ve been saying that for years. And besides, if you did mind, I’m afraid it would rather be a problem. A fifteen-a-day habit comes with the territory, wouldn’t you say? As does all the Victoriana…I collect it? Do you like it? You see that piece there? It was given to me by my Grandfather. People make the mistake of assuming it’s a small chap with a guitar when in actual fact it’s a little girl and a mandolin! They’ll all need careful dusting. Let me tell you a bit about the job. I’ve looked at your CV… Now, l shall need to ask you at some point why you left university after one year. I hope you’re ready for that question. I’m very much looking forward to the answer. I do hope it’s good.
But not yet, we’ll come to that in a minute. Let me tell you a little about the job and what will be expected of you. You’re general duties will include; walking Albert, he’s my Beagle, a few times a week for a gentle stroll, as well as feeding him and giving him his medication three times a day. I can’t clean at the moment because, much to my dismay, my arms are connected to my neck.
Shopping’s out as well…so you’ll have to do that too. And there’s a lot more unpacking to be done. Well you’re sitting on most of it. My sister, bless her did try and help me, but it’s all in the wrong place, silly woman. Still interested? The pay’s adequate – I’m a little impoverished myself. I’ll pay you hourly, okay? General dog’s body, no pun intended. I’m not interested in your political views or religious views. I can see a church from the bedroom window – that’s my religious view – old joke – I’ve been saying that for years. Now, how about another cigarette…as dessert?