This diary belongs to Hazel Hoops, age thirteen. If lost please return to Miss Steiner’s class, Bishop Gross Testi Grammar School.
Monday – the school bus broke down today outside an Ann Summers – everyone took photos on their phone. I ate three boiled eggs while the men fixed the tyres.
A policeman came to the school today to make a speech about drugs. He was anti them. Michelle Berridge says that all drugs are white. I don’t know if that is true but I went along with it to keep the peace.
Tuesday – Did you know there are loads of Welsh people in Patagonia!?
Also Peter O’Neil has been germinating marijuana seeds in his sock.
One of the art teachers was wearing jeans today; everyone was talking about it.
Mr Boo retired, no one talked about it.
I saw Chris Lang climbing up the side of the boys’ toilets. I fancy him. He looks even better when he’s in the air. Also I wish I was in Gryffindor but deep down sometimes I worry that I’m actually more Hufflepuff.
I’ve grown an inch. Everyone’s noticed.
Wednesday – badminton was cancelled, so we all had to throw beanbags into a bucket instead.
Only two hundred and four days left till Christmas, yaaay!
We’re doing a project on China. Did you know that in the Chinese calendar each year is represented by an animal? And they believe that you always have some of the characteristics of the animal of the year you were born in. We all went round the class and said what animal we thought we were most like…I said a gnat.
Thursday – we made sausage rolls today. Mrs Bergmann said I had a soggy bottom. I said I liked mine like that though. She told me off for being cheeky. But what’s the difference between being cheeky and telling the truth? She doesn’t know anything anyway – she covers her front garden in elves at Christmas time and everyone reckons that the thing round her neck is actually a bit of placenta.
Friday – This is what you do if you want to measure out six foot, this is based on having size five-and-a-half feet though.
She paces out the distance by laying each foot out so that the back of one foot touches the front of the other with no space between the feet.
(Whispering as she steps:) one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
That’s how you measure out six foot. Approx. There, I told you I know lots of things.
I caught some of the younger girls trying to contact the devil today. Needless to say it didn’t work. I actually felt sorry for them, so immature. They were under a stairwell which is where a lot of stuff happens.
Saturday – Saturday morning is Music Club. When I grow up, I hope to be like KT Tunstall or Pink, but less aggressive. I’ve written a song called ‘Yellow’ but it’s nothing like the Coldplay one, besides which I don’t care.
Sunday – nothing happened. The End. Good night.