So, I’m late. I’m late again for work and the thing is I can’t be late again. And this is the latest I’ve ever been…apart from the time I never showed up. So I’m running, running through the back streets of Soho and there’s all sorts of kinky shit in the windows on offer and it’s only the morning! And I haven’t run since primary school right, so I’m knackered.
And then I see it – a little sign in a window and it just says, ‘Have you always dreamt of having straight hair?’ And the thing is, I’m looking at it and I’m thinking YES! YES, I HAVE always dreamt of having straight hair. Next thing I know, I’m in the salon and I’m telling this sweet little gay guy in a little vest how I’ve always dreamt of having straight hair. Guess how much though? Two hundred and fifty quid! So, I’m like no way. And then the little gay guy goes (An attempt at a Brazilian accent.) ‘Oh, but you know baby, this treatment, it’s Japanese, is really really good. Let me have a look at your hair baby, yeah baby I could do that for you and then no more frizzy frizzy yeah – you gonna look like a princess and your hair’s gonna be straighter than Tom Cruise’.
– How long does it last for though yeah?
– Baby, is forever.
She reacts dramatically.
(Stage whisper.) Forever!
No more photos on Facebook where my hair looks like a bag of smoke, no more getting up twenty minutes earlier to try and tame it into submission. OMG! How often in life do people’s dreams actually come true? It’s like I’m a little dying kid and this Brazilian guy is Noel Edmonds and it’s Christmas day and we’re on TV. That’s what it’s like. My dream has come true. I close my eyes and say ‘yes’ – and he says he can fit me in next week. And then I start thinking; but maybe it’s wrong? Is it denying who I am? Is it messing with nature? And then I remember about The Apprentice. It’s always the woman with the curly hair that gets fired first. Have a look, yeah. Truth. If I want to climb the corporate ladder, which I do – you gotta look right, gotta be taken seriously.
So, I get into work and they’re just like looking at me like ‘this girl is a joke’ and they’re all going mental and then I just start day-dreaming about having straight hair, cause that’s what I do when people are shouting at me – I just think about other things. Seriously, what is wrong with me? I can’t even pay my rent and I plan to spend two hundred and fifty quid on hair…
(Then, genuinely chuffed:)
Brilliant.
The End.