I am calm. I am calm. I am calm…but the thing is yeah…I’ve already got nine bridesmaids. D’you know what I mean? I’m going to be rolling nine deep when I go down that isle, d’ you see what I’m saying: rolling nine deep…I got bridesmaids coming out of my arsehole. I’m sorry yeah but if that stupid cow thinks that she’s gonna be bridesmaid too then she can suck my dick. I’m sorry ladies…I apologize to the rest of the queue as well – I don’t normally wash my dirty linen in public but it’s family innit.
Pause.
So Friday, we’re in The Archers. I didn’t know she was even going to be there and it’s a shame you know ’cause we were rubbing along together quite nicely till this happened. In front of everyone she goes: ‘What you gonna do with your hair for the wedding then? You should do a beehive like Adele.’ I’m like, whatever ’cause I already know I’m doing half-up, half-down. And then she goes so you down the gym all the time then? I’m like – are you saying I’m fucking fat!
Sorry ladies, sorry for the language, but it’s family stuff.
And the thing is yeah, he fucking loves his sister. Like he says weird shit like – she’s the most beautiful girl in the world and I’m like – hello? I’m standing right here. I’m sorry but I don’t fucking like her. And then the mum, don’t get me started on the fucking – sorry ladies – mum. First of all – it’s her son’s engagement party, not a scrap of make-up, sort yourself out luv. She got a weird forehead too. They all got weird foreheads – it’s like…what’s that word…Neanderthal. First thing I said to the sister was that she should get a fringe…I even offered to do it for her but she just done a face like she could smell something bad.
Is there someone in there still? Fukin’ hell – she’s been fucking ages in there – what’s she doing – snorting half of bloody Columbia.
They’re tight you know. Every picture on Facebook, she’s hugging him all the time. I dunno, maybe it’s me – ’cause in our family – we hug at Christmas and that’s about it, you know, oh and if something has happened to one of the cats.
Knowing my luck…she’ll probably turn up on the day all in white with a bloody veil on her head and try and marry him herself. Uuughgh.
Oi! Come on! What you doing in there!? IF I DON’T HAVE A PISS SOON I’M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN…I’M DOING INTERNAL DAMAGE HERE!