Please, let me stop you there Professor. Are you referring to the passage in which I say ‘I have always thought of the vagina as a chalice and the penis as a dagger’? I can tell by your face-smile that I’m right.
Guilty then. Guilty. I admit it. One has to ask oneself; was it an act of lunacy to think that I, Philippa Baublebaum could use a quote from one of the greatest scholars on early Medieval and Renaissance symbology and pass it off as her own opinion, thinking she could get away with it? Probably, yes. My fate now lies in your hands professor. Or should I say ‘cups’ – I hardly need to remind you professor that early-to-mid-medieval wall hangings always depicted hands as cupped like a half-moon.
So… “What studied torments, tyrant, hast for me?” Mmm?
I suppose you’re wondering why I did it aren’t you?
When I woke up on the morning of last Monday or ‘Moon day’; the day of the exam, I had the strangest feeling; a combination of absolute terror and infinite calm…or to put it in medieval terms, somewhere betwixt ‘phlegmatic’ and ‘choleric’. I am of course, professor, referring to the four humours of early medieval medicine.
It had been a night full of bad dreams; portentous visions of amulets and sabres, pageants and heraldry, big angry babies and various horned god heads…all of which I knew were bound to pop up in tomorrow’s exam…and subsequently did not. I couldn’t not stop worrying about not passing the exam…hence the dream I just mentioned.
And yet here it was: the day of the medieval and early renaissance symbology exam – and I, like those who had studied before me, were to bend down and be made to wear this great responsibility like a cape or ‘cloak’, as it was known back then, but sometimes ‘cape’ as well actually.
But as soon as I entered that exam hall and took to my throne (chair), picked up my quill (pen) and began to scribe (write, write down the answers to the exam questions), I knew that I had definitely, definitely not done enough revision. Of course when I saw little Maddy Knockles faint under the pressure it provided some welcome comic relief. Have you ever seen Maddy Knockles faint? It’s like watching a thing go faint and fall over onto another thing. But this is my account, not Maddy’s! I knew I still had an ace up my sleeve: my specialist knowledge – ‘Medieval sex symbols as used in ritual’. It was then that I had the idea. I have of course read ‘Vagina as Chalice and Penis as Dagger’ by Stephen Grab but I didn’t think anyone would notice if I pretended it was my own original thought. I did it.
After the exam, I went immediately to my quarters and forced myself to drink Nesquick, which I hate, as a form of punishment. I had to do a watercolour to calm myself down but was so upset I thought I only deserved to use the brown…so I painted a leather coin pouch. It’s actually rather good. In retrospect, was it worth it – no.