She watches TV.
What? You think Madonna is fit? Is that what you just said? You think Madonna is fit? No, you just said it. I heard you. You said, “Madonna is well fit”. That’s what you just said. Yes, you did. I heard you say it loud and clear. If there was anyone else here then I would have witnesses. If we could go back in time now and then I had a Dictaphone concealed in my pocket or something then I would press play and then there would be the sound of your voice going “I think Madonna is fit”.
Whatever man. Just let me watch this in peace…
Pause.
So you think Madonna is fitter than me then? Is that what you’re saying? Is that what you mean? You got something to say? You wanna say it to my face? Are you saying I’m ugly?
She returns to watching TV.
Why don’t you go and dip your wick in Madonna then, yeah? Go and dip your wick in Madonna if you think she’s so fit. She’s obviously like the fittest person you’ve ever seen, so why don’t you go and dip your wick in her! ’Cause you’re not dipping your wick in me tonight, I’m telling you now!
Pause.
What If I asked if I could go part-time? That way I could spend three hours a day down the gym like Madonna does and then maybe I would look like that. I’m sorry that I can’t spend three hours a day down the gym. At least I go to the gym. I don’t see you going. It’s bad for you anyway doing that much exercise. I know a woman who did a 10k run, yeah and her pelvic floor fell out.
(To herself.) Madonna.
It’s stuck in my head now. I wish you hadn’t told me. It’s like that thing when people say ‘don’t think of an elephant’. I got you and Madonna stuck in my head, now. It looks wrong. It looks really wrong. She’s old enough to be your mum.
I know how to make this even. I’m gonna tell you who I fancy, ok?
Pause.
NO ONE! BECAUSE I AM A GOOD
GIRLFRIEND!
You didn’t even know what an avocado was until you met me. You said it yourself – that I bettered you. That you were lucky to have me and that being with me was like being in a film, a good film, a film that you would watch in the cinema but then also get it on Blu-ray so that you could watch it over and over again.
You got some weird taste you have.
Madonna wouldn’t go out with you.
Madonna would pick me over you. Yeah she would because she’s bisexual. She would definitely go for me. No question. If Madonna came in here now and I said, “Madonna, my boyfriend wants to dip his wick in you, OR you can have a go on my tits, what do you think she’d say?” She’d be like, “I choose the tits”. She would choose the tits option. You know it, and I know it. And then we would have some avocado and laugh at you!