“Faster!” Keira shouts from the other end of the rink. She and Nina have already lapped me. Twice.
I wave them off to keep going without me. My body’s no more willing to move on this ice than it has been to drag me up off the couch since yesterday. It’s Sunday, I’m nursing a broken heart, and I’ll probably need to be in the unemployment line first thing tomorrow, so why not freeze my toes off while taking baby steps on this slippery death trap?
Oh, and it was the only way to stop my sister and best friend from nagging me since the crack of dawn. But, at least there’s hot chocolate.
Over the loudspeaker, George Michael’s voice blares “Last Christmas,” and more people who know how to skate better than I do flood the ice.
Nina glides up beside me followed by Keira who scrapes up a flurry of ice when she skids to a stop.
“You have exactly five more minutes to mope,” Keira asserts, making a big production of pushing her sleeve up to flip her smart watch in my face.
“I’m not. I’m skating. See?” I take one long glide along the edge of the rink then throw my hands up. “There. Are you happy?”
“No.” Nina and Keira bark in unison.
I let my head hang back, blowing out a plume of cool air as I sigh.
“You picked ice skating.” Nina says through a laugh. “If I recall correctly, you nixed baking because it reminded you of Chase. No cookie swapping. Same reason. Oh, and what do you know, no Christmas movies because you already did the movie thing with Chase.”
I roll my eyes. It’s been literally a day since I last saw him, but these two hard-asses have zero sympathy for me because “I brought it on myself.” Or, so they say. Never mind the fact that I’m trying to do a good deed here, leaving him out of the lie so he can keep his job and integrity. How thoughtless of me to think of someone other than myself…
“Are we seeing a pattern here?” Keira chimes in as she dips her shoulder against mine playfully.
I groan and drop my face into my hands, pigeon-toeing my feet to keep upright.
Talk about embarrassing. I’m sure this is quite the sight to see for all these bundled up people trying to enjoy their Sunday evening on ice beneath a blanket of twinkling stars. Heaven forbid they want to do it to the soothing sounds of Nat King Cole rather than three women huddled off to the side of the ice yelling at each other. How am I supposed to deal with being woman-handled without face-planting in the process?
With one hand latched onto the wall, I hold the other one out to them. “What would you like me to do, go crawling back to him?”
“Nope,” Keira says, spinning in a circle. “We’re not doing that today. We’re not making this about anything other than you and your fears.”
Nina tips my chin up and taps her ear indicating that I need to listen close.
I am.
Usually, when I do the right thing, I feel good. Maybe not immediately, but after a few hours. The impact and implications of my actions are reaffirmed by a deep-seated calm. This hollow heaviness without Chase makes this time different. My heart is in my stomach, my chest aches, and I’m numb. If I did the best thing for him, why is this emptiness gnawing at me?
I meet my sister’s warm brown eyes, this time not only with a willingness to hear her out, but to find something to take with me.
“Riley, you have to know that you hold people up to these impossible standards. Then you don’t know what to do when they don’t live up to them—or when they do. And that includes you.”
Nina nods. “She’s right.”
I know it, too.
“So, you screwed up, told a little white lie about a relationship which turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to you. Yet, you’re willing to throw it all away because of what people might think of you?” Keira shrugs. “I don’t see it because anyone who has lived or worked with you knows your work ethic and integrity are indisputable.”
Nina taps her index finger to her nose. With her wide, smiling eyes exaggerating the nail on the head, the three of us laugh. She’s not here to instigate or give advice. She’s reinforcement—the best kind of moral support.
She cozies into my right side, resting her head on my shoulder.
“Thank you.” I heave a sigh of relief. Somehow, their unwavering belief in me releases some of the weight from my shoulders. “I just… My biggest concern is letting him get hurt because of me. I don't want him to lose his job because of a lie I told, you know?”
Keira slides to my left shoulder while people whiz by us. “I do, actually. Not that you need a reminder, but when I went on that date…” Her words die off, but I don’t need to ask which date she’s talking about. I was there in surround sound.
“I didn’t listen to my gut.” She drops her chin to her chest and absently studies her cuticles. “I should’ve left the second I saw he didn’t match the picture—”
“It doesn’t excuse what he did, Ke. You didn’t do anything wrong.” It’s the same spiel I’ve been giving her ever since that night—trying to convince her. And myself.
There wasn’t anything I could have done to save her. A man nearly assaulted her while I was helpless, tuned in to every whimper, gasp, and yell for help.
“I know. My point is,” she says, turning to me, her tone filled with conviction and urgency. “What he did wasn’t a little white lie. He was intentionally deceiving me for malevolent reasons. When he cornered me in the restroom, I blamed myself for not listening to my instincts sooner.” She blinks her tears. “And I know every time you look at me, or when I tell you I have a date, when you’re at work brainstorming safety measures for the app, your mind keeps going back to that night, too. But you can’t protect everyone, Riley. All you can do is listen to your instincts.”
Nina pivots and skates in front of me, so we’re face to face. “Forget everything else. If he’s willing to risk losing his job for an amazing love with you, why are you fighting it so hard? Shouldn’t he get to decide for himself?”
I drop my head back with a sigh before meeting her determined gaze again.
“What are your instincts telling you about Chase?”
The first tinkling notes of “All I Want for Christmas Is You” fill the air, and it’s like a sign. Whether it’s from the universe or the Queen of Christmas herself, Mariah Carey, I’m not sure, but I can’t ignore it. My heart is so light, and something like joy bubbles up inside me. The corners of my mouth twitch with the beginnings of a smile.
“What was that?” Keira asks, starting to smile.
I clear my throat, trying to suppress the silly grin threatening at my lips. “Nothing. It’s our song. Well, our favorite Christmas song.”
“Who? You and Chase?” The corners of Nina’s eyes crinkle then she tosses me a conspiratorial glance at Keira.
My sister nods, her whole face lighting up. “I see. So, you guys have a song. Sounds serious, like maybe this isn’t some casual hookup, but an irreplaceable thing worth risking a replaceable job for.”
She skates into the lane, turning backward. Showoff. Nina and I trail behind her while I do my best to ignore Keira’s sparkling eyes.
“Let’s just say, I’m not not in love with him.”
Keira stumbles and her mouth falls open as she works to regain her footing. “Well, shit. Now that she’s finally admitting what I already know. What in the hell are we still doing here? We have work to do.”
“Ooh.” Nina speeds up to Keira leaving me in their flurry dust. “I have the best idea. Think Christmas meets The Proposal. Add in some mistletoe, that cute red dress she has with the cutouts at the sides…”
I crack my neck and bite back a grin. If I’m going to let these two hopeless romantics plot my happily ever after with Chase with our jobs on the line as a grand gesture, they’d better at least warm me up with a cup of hot chocolate with whipped cream…heavy on the peppermint sprinkles.
“Two of whatever you’ve got on tap,” Todd says as he settles on a stool at the far end of the bar facing the television screens.
I take the stool next to him, letting the weight of the past few weeks roll off of me.
It’s the first time I get a good look at my brother. We’re twins, but we’re not identical. We’re the same height, same lean frame, but his beard is thicker, fuller. His face is much thinner than mine. As far as work and home life, we couldn’t be more different. Todd’s married with a kid on the way and a career he loves and has control over. I know what I want, who I want, she just doesn’t want me.
He slaps me hard on the back, laughing. “My baby brother finally has time for me.”
This is what I need. I mean, my back is still stinging, but the playfulness is what I’ve been missing—along with, alcohol, basketball, and regular conversation.
“How’s Kim?”
“Oh, you know Kim when she’s got her mind set on something. The doctor says, ‘Take a load off, kick up your feet, let your husband wait on you for a change.’” His shoulders shake as he chuckles.
I laugh, too, because my sister-in-law may be pregnant, but the second someone tells her not to do anything, baby in tow or not, it’s a surefire way to get her to do it.
“Let me guess, she hasn’t sat down for two seconds?”
“Exactly. Especially now that it’s the holidays… Our house freaking looks like something out of Whoville. The other day, I literally had to take the ladder away from her. The lights she was going to string up were low-hanging, but, still…” He laughs a deep, throaty laugh this time.
His familiar snort leaks in and it tickles me, too.
A lot has been going on, but I miss my brother. I miss my family in general.
Todd must sense I’m thinking about mom. It could be the twin thing, but I see the hollow smile on his face, too. This was her favorite time of year. All the holidays were, really, but Christmas was special because she made it special. She put so much love into all the little details. When she wasn’t baking, she was crafting, making homemade cookies and cards. There wasn’t a room in the house not fully decorated for the season, filled with carols, and fragrant with the smell of cinnamon and pine.
I look up just as Brown throws an air ball on the television.
Todd pats my shoulder. “I miss her too, man.”
“It’s just this time of year. Seems like it hurts worse not having her around.”
The bartender sets our beers on the bar top in front of us, and I quickly grab my glass and take a long pull before replacing it in front of me.
“At least you have Kim and the baby on the way. Pretty soon, you’ll be too tired, up all night putting together toys at midnight before Rudolph and Santa jingle into town.” I smile at the vision of the life we knew as kids, sneaking peeks and trying to stay up long enough to catch a glimpse of the old man in the red suit. “Do we know if it’s a girl or a boy yet?”
“A girl,” Todd says, taking a swallow.
“Oh, man, congratulations!” I pat him on the shoulder, feeling genuinely happy for him. Mom would have been so excited.
Then he twists on the stool to face me, his chin lowered to his chest. When he looks up, his forehead creases. “Chase, you know you’re always welcome to come around. Kim would love it. We’re always entertaining someone, but…what’s going on with you? What happened with Riley?”
As soon as he says her name, my heart wrenches and my throat tightens. I scrub my hand over my face. “It’s over.”
“How can that be? I just talked to you a few days ago and you sounded like the heavens had opened up just for you. That doesn’t just go away because you decide it’s over.” Todd cocks his head. His shoulders are lifted in question. He’s begging me to make it make sense, but I’m at a loss here, too.
I suck in a breath and pinch the bridge of my nose. “She doesn’t want me, man.”
“I call bullshit.” He tosses a glance at the screen as our team steals the ball and makes a drive for the basket. Layup. His gaze falls on me like a wall of sticks and stones. “For real, why do you think she doesn’t want you?”
I spare him all the steamy highlights, but ten minutes later, I’ve ticked off the events of our brief timeline up until last night at the office holiday party.
“So, you’re sure it’s love? Like the Mom and Dad real thing?” Todd clarifies.
I nod, closing my eyes.
He just sits there bobbing his head, studying me in silence for a beat before throwing back the rest of his beer. After he jerks up two fingers to the bartender for a refill, the weight of my dilemma seems to set in fully. “Fuck.” He runs his hands through his long hair.
“Exactly.”
He doesn’t let my news marinate long though. Todd rubs his stubbly chin a couple times then fishes his phone out of his back pocket with renewed purpose. He starts tapping away at the keys before pressing it to his ear.
“Who are you calling? I’m kind of in a crisis right now.”
“Babe,” he says into the line, and I deflate onto the bar top. Because of the noise in the bar, I can’t hear her responses, so my brother’s facial expressions are all I have to go by. “Yep. He’s got it bad, too.”
Really? You’re doing this now?
Clearly, ‘this stays between us’ means something different to Todd, who’s been spilling all my secrets to Kim. Damn spousal exemption.
I tell this man, my brother, that I’m in love and my heart has been efficiently shattered, and he calls his pregnant, Christmas-crazed wife to… “What is she saying?”
He holds me off, holding his hand up in the air as he listens to his wife. “Uh-huh. Yeah.” He nods, repeating the same thing again. “So, does he take her at her word or…?” His question dies off, leaving me hanging out to dry.
I’m searching the familiar subtle differences of my brother’s face, waiting for a throbbing vein or a nervous tick or maybe the corners of his mouth to hitch up in an optimistic grin. Sadly, for me, his poker face has always been better than mine.
The nodding and half-answers go on for at least five more excruciating minutes. By the time he ends the call, I’m on the edge of my stool with my pulse racing and heart revved up, hoping Kim has come up with the solution to my problem.
“Well…” I circle my hand in the air, urging him to come out with it. “What’d she say?”
My older brother by two minutes and forty-six seconds takes a deep breath, surveys his glass, and, finding it empty, polishes off the rest of mine before turning to me. “She came through. In. A. Big. Way.”
I draw in a long breath, afraid to interrupt and make him lose his train of thought, but I admit, it gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. Something like hope flutters inside me.
“Tomorrow’s Monday. It’s three days before Christmas, and you never gave her your Secret Santa gift, right?” Todd asks.
“Yeah.”
He cocks his head to the side, scrutinizing me for a beat. “Do you still have the Santa costume from a few years back?”
I narrow my eyes, unsure of where he’s going with this. Now I’m even more uncertain about taking advice from a woman hopped up on hormones and holiday cheer.
Todd’s face splits into a smile. “According to my beautiful wife, it’s time for you to ‘put up or shut up.’”
My shoulders shoot up to my ears. “Meaning…”
“That’s the girl version of ‘shit or get off the pot.’ Kim says you go all out at work tomorrow to win Riley back, or lose her forever.” He grins like an asshole older brother. For years, I made fun of him for jumping in the Bellagio fountain to prove his love for Kim. Guess it’s his turn to laugh.
“Apparently, it’s all a test to see how bad you want her. The bigger the gesture, the bigger the reward. So, the way I see it, it’s time to suit up, Santa.” Todd chuckles.
Damn.