Kaylee grabbed a tray from the cafeteria line, wondering how much it would take to convince Ned to ask Earth for a larger import ration of fresh produce. The local hydroponic orchards just couldn’t replicate the flavor of soil-grown apples from back home.
As she carried her tray over to the table to eat with her coworkers, she realized that the topic wasn’t going to escape the Martian gravity well, let alone reach Earth.
Ned was holding court with his senior staff, those few who hadn’t been reassigned during the temporary shutdown due to lack of resources. Kaylee was monitoring Site-1 for air quality, so she’d been exempted along with Miriam, Ben, Lijing, and a handful of others. There was raucous laughter at some joke too quiet for Kaylee to make out as she approached.
“Wait. Wait. I’ve got another one,” Ned said, waving a flask that normally held water. From the flush of his face, Kaylee wasn’t certain of its current contents. “How do you tell a skin-job from a human at last call?”
Kaylee’s skin crawled. The term originated as a slur in an old sci-fi movie and wasn’t used in the presence of robots.
“How?” Ben asked, playing along.
“Ask if you can crash at her place,” Ned said. “A human girl’s gonna kiss you or slap you. The robot’s gonna grab a tool kit and throw you over a shoulder.”
More laughter.
Kaylee slid in beside Miriam at the end of the row. She’d have chosen another table, but there weren’t enough people for her snubbing them to go unnoticed. After a few nods to acknowledge her colleagues, she picked at her rehydrated beets.
“I have one,” Lijing said. “What’s the difference between dating a human and a robot?”
“Hardware versus software?” Miriam guessed, drawing chuckles.
Lijing grinned. “No. The human calls the next day—if you’re lucky. The robot sends an analysis.”
Everyone at the table burst out laughing. There were veiled accusations that Lijing spoke from experience and suggestions that maybe she’d get called back more often if she studied those analyses a little better. Only Kaylee kept silent, eyes downcast and focused on the mush piled on her tray.
“What’s the matter, Earth girl?” Miriam asked, quelling the mirth. “Sensitive topic?”
Kaylee felt her cheeks warm.
“Ah, lay off her,” Ned said. “Her man’s a halfsie. Earth’s lousy with them.”
“You ever date a robot before Alan?” Lijing asked lewdly. “That why you don’t think they’re funny?”
The room swayed. Kaylee could feel her heartbeat in her ears. Andy had stressed the importance of fitting in, of keeping in her coworkers’ good graces. She had to think quickly. “It’s not that,” she replied without looking up from her meal. “Mars is just behind the times. Robot sex jokes got boring on Earth ages ago.”
“Oh really?” Ben asked, suddenly intrigued. “So, you must have some doozies.”
“Yeah,” Ned said jovially. “Can’t drop a radioactive payload like that and leave it.”
Oh, God. What did I just sign up for?
Kaylee swallowed a mouthful of tasteless turnip slurry and wracked her brain. Sure, she’d gone to school at Oxford. Kids made up stupid, immature jokes all the time, especially right after sex ed. Too many years traveling in polite circles had isolated her from the crude humor her own children were no doubt picking up from their classmates. She had to think. She had to come up with something to satisfy the tastes of her boorish colleagues—and fast.
She held up a hand as she took one more bite. By the time she choked it down, she had a plan. “OK. Woman wants to surprise her new robot boyfriend, so she stops by his place without calling ahead. Lets herself in. Shouts his name. No answer. Figures he’s recharging, so she tiptoes down to the charging closet and slips inside without turning the lights on. She feels around, finds him in the charging bed, strips down, and has her way with him. She’s having the time of her life when suddenly the door opens. Her boyfriend steps in with a pair of pliers in his hand. ‘What are you doing to that drained gardening drone? I just put it in to recharge while I went to find something to pry the cucumber out of its hand.’”
Everyone guffawed and cackled like a pack of rowdy school students. Kaylee was mortified but smiled along, even forcing a little laugh of her own.
“Never thought I’d hear that out of the mouth of an Earth girl,” Miriam admitted.
“You kidding?” Kaylee replied. “I think half the jokes you’ve been passing around started at the girls’ dorms at Oxford. And listen, I know Alan’s dad is a robot, but Dr. Toby’s as human as robots come. It’s not like he’s a mix or anything. Besides, Alan turned out fine if you ask me—despite growing up with a robot for a father.”
The lingering mirth quieted away as if the terraformers were students of Alan’s caught talking during a test.