“Do you think the lighter grout was the right call?” Anna asked, wiping her forehead and staring down at the off-white grout they were spreading between the tiles.
“Well, I’d say it’s a bit late to question that,” Elena said, wiping a tile clean. She was right, of course. They were nearly done with the floor, heading toward the front door just like Anna and Nikos had the day before. Of course, this had taken a lot longer. Not only was Nikos not helping, but Anna and Elena had to watch seven different YouTube videos to figure out what they were doing. Plus, they hadn’t really gotten started until nearly noon thanks to Anna’s killer hangover.
Elena had been walking down the beach with Vasilis after finishing her shift at the bar when she’d seen Anna and Nikos in the ocean. Anna had very quickly snapped out of her lustful haze and after quickly scrambling back into their clothes, Nikos had bid her a hasty goodnight. Anna hadn’t seen or spoken to him since then. She knew she should say something; he probably thought she was angry. And she was. But she was angry with herself, not with him.
Now the sun was setting, the two girls had barely spoken all day, and Anna’s stomach was rumbling. “Shall we wrap this up and go get some food?” she said, eyeing the last couple of tiles that needed grouting.
“Sure,” Elena said, “but I think we should talk first.”
Anna nodded and kept working. Elena did the same, the two working in parallel like they had been for most of the afternoon.
“I’m so sorry,” Anna started. “I know I shouldn’t have let it get that far with Nikos. But we were really drunk. I know it’s not an excuse, but it’s true. I won’t let it happen again. I’ll keep my feelings in check.”
Elena chuckled softly. “You think I’m angry that you have feelings for Nikos?”
“Well… yeah. Isn’t that what’s happening here?”
Elena laughed again and stopped scraping, sitting back on her knees. “Not at all, Anna. You’re my friend. I think you’re great. And I think you and Nikos would be great together.”
The two girls stared at each other silently for a moment, Elena smiling and Anna frowning. “I’m confused. Then why did you stop us last night? Not that I’m not grateful, but why?”
“That’s why,” Elena said. “Because you’re grateful. You know deep down that you and Nikos would be good together, but you also think that it’s a bad idea. Why is that?”
Anna sighed. “Because I’m leaving.”
“Damn right. Because you’re leaving. And if you hook up with him and let him get his hopes up and then leave, you’re no better than the other girls who come here for their Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants romance and then fuck off back to their normal lives. You can sleep with whomever you want. But it would break his heart. And I think that would hurt both of us, wouldn’t it?”
Anna couldn’t say anything. She could just nod. Elena was completely right. She had judged Nikos for catching feelings for tourists, but she was allowing the same thing to happen now. Except she had a chance to prevent it.
“Unless…” Elena said after Anna didn’t respond, “you’re considering staying?”
“No, you’re right,” Anna said, shaking her head. She still hadn’t told Elena about the gallery placement, but she also didn’t want them to think she was sticking around. “I do care about him. But I am leaving. And that’s why I can’t let anything happen.”
Elena stood up and stepped over to Anna. “I really like you, Anna. I consider you a friend. But my loyalty is to Nikos. I’d love to know that we could be friends without me feeling like I’m betraying my family or letting him get hurt.”
Anna reached out to take Elena’s hand, and Elena pulled her to her feet. “I promise,” Anna said. “I won’t do anything to hurt him.”
Just as they were finishing up, Anna heard the truck pull up outside, and she heard Christos and Nikos chatting. Anna locked the door to the summer house and followed Elena out through the gate.
“All done, girls?” Nikos asked casually, but he didn’t make eye contact with Anna.
“Yep, all done,” Elena said. “You driving us back?”
Nikos nodded and said something to Christos, who responded and threw him the keys. Finally, Nikos looked at Anna, and his face softened. “Christos wants to know if we all want to come over for lunch on Monday. It’s a public holiday.”
Anna looked at Christos and gave him a thumbs-up. He returned it with both hands and a huge smile on his face.
“I’ll go in the back,” Elena said, hopping into the bed of the truck. Anna felt her cheeks go red as Nikos opened the passenger door and looked at her.
“Shall we?” he said with a sigh.
Anna climbed in with a feeble smile, and Nikos walked around and got in the driver’s seat. As he turned on the ignition and started down the drive, Anna looked behind her to make sure Elena wasn’t listening, but she had headphones in.
“Listen, Nikos, about last night—”
“Don’t say a thing,” he said. “It was completely my fault.”
“I mean, it wasn’t,” Anna said. “I have as much to apologize for as you do.”
“No way,” he said. “I came onto you, and it was wrong. You asked me not to, and I went against that.”
Anna considered this for a moment, but it was annoying her for some reason. She couldn’t help but say something. “I never asked you not to come onto me,” she said. “I told you I didn’t want anything to happen.”
“Same thing, isn’t it?”
“Not really, no.” Nikos looked at her, confused. “I think it’s an important distinction. If I had actually asked you not to do anything, then most of our relationship would be in violation of that. But I didn’t say that. I just said I didn’t want anything to happen. And anything that has happened has been just as much my doing as it has been yours.”
“Okay,” Nikos said, “but it still feels like I’m the one who owes you an apology.”
“I don’t agree,” Anna said. “I don’t feel like either of us did anything wrong. It was just a kiss. I just think we need to be clear about the page we’re on. Make sure we’re on the same one.”
“And what page is that?”
Anna thought about this for a moment. As much as she didn’t want to hurt him, she hadn’t felt in the wrong last night. It had felt good. But as she looked over at Nikos, she knew that the best thing for him was for them to stay friends. Just friends. And if she cared about his feelings, then that was the best thing for her, too.
“I think we’re on the friendship page. And while we briefly turned that page last night, I don’t think we passed the point of no return.”
Nikos sighed. “If you say so.”
“What do you mean?”
He pressed his lips together and looked from the road to Anna and back to the road, back and forth, like he wasn’t sure he should say what was on his mind.
“I mean that you seem to want to get together,” he said. Anna felt herself go red again, and it didn’t go unnoticed. “See? You’re even blushing. I just don’t understand why you keep insisting that it would be a bad thing.” He reached over to the passenger seat and put his hand on her thigh, rubbing it with his thumb. His touch felt so good, and Anna immediately slipped back into last night; into the desire to just give in to what she was feeling. But without the booze to drown her concerns, and with the light of day shining on them, she couldn’t ignore the truth.
“Because I don’t want to just get together, Nikos,” she said, her voice raised. “I care too much about you. And I don’t want either of us to get hurt when I leave.”
Nikos pulled his hand back, placing it back on the steering wheel. “Well, that sucks,” he says. “But I guess it’s nice to know that it’s not all in my head.”
Anna looked at him and tried to smile, but she knew it wasn’t quite convincing. “Of course it’s not in your head.”
He nodded. “Thanks for being honest… I guess. But can I just say one thing?” The truck pulled past the sign for the resort, and Nikos guided it into one of the service spots, turning off the engine. Elena climbed out of the back and started walking toward the building.
“Sure.”
“I’m going to be hurt when you leave no matter what. Even if we never get together. I care about you, too. And I’m going to be sad to lose you when you go.”
He leaned across and kissed Anna lightly on the cheek, then got out of the truck and went inside, leaving Anna alone with her thoughts.
When she finally made her way inside, she found Elena and Nikos sitting on the sofa in her room with Xenia, who was showing Elena how to control the lighting, dimming the sconces next to the bed.
“Hi, Xenia,” she said when she walked in. “You alright?”
“Yeah, great,” she replied. “I just wanted to check in and see how the new room was.”
“It’s amazing,” Anna said.
“Yeah, she especially loves the sea views,” Elena said, and both Anna and Nikos glared at her.
“I’m not even going to ask,” Xenia said with a laugh. “But no issues so far?”
Anna scanned the room quickly, trying to remember anything she’d noticed. “Nothing that doesn’t work, but I thought it could be nice to have shaving plug adapters for the bathroom. Since there’s a vanity in there, it would be great to be able to use hair dryers, straighteners, stuff like that.”
Xenia nodded. “I’ll have to see if there are any safety rules about that, but I like the suggestion.”
Elena picked Anna’s camera up off the coffee table and waved it at Anna. “Ooh, can we look at pictures of me, please?”
“What’s this?” Xenia asked.
“I had a little photoshoot with Elena the other day,” Anna said, pulling the memory card out and putting it into the USB adapter.
“Oh, this I’ve got to see.” Xenia sat down on the sofa next to Nikos. “You should be able to plug that directly into the TV.”
Anna reached around and plugged in the USB. Nikos turned on the TV with the remote and they started scrolling through the pictures, starting with the ones of just Elena, then through the ones of the girls who had paid Anna, and, finally, through the ones of Elena and Vasilis.
“Who is that?” Xenia asked. “You two seem to be getting along quite well.”
“His name’s Vasilis. He’s visiting his aunt for the summer. You know, Kassandra?”
“Oh yeah, I knew she had a nephew visiting from Athens, but I thought he was like seven!”
“Try twenty-seven,” Elena said, smiling. “We’ve been together almost every night since.”
Anna looked at Elena. “I didn’t know that! You really like him, then?”
“Well, you’ve been a little busy,” Elena said, nudging her. “Plus, didn’t you hear us talking all through the photoshoot?”
“You were speaking Greek. He could have been teaching you physics, for all I knew.”
The others laughed. “Well, we really like each other,” Elena said. “Sometimes that’s enough.”
Anna tried not to feel like Elena was being pointed, focusing instead on flipping through the rest of the photos. She went through the one of Nikos down at the harbor, and then she was into the photos she had taken of the room the previous day.
“Oh my god,” Xenia said, staring at the screen.
“What?” Anna asked. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. These are incredible.” Xenia looked at Anna. “Did you take these on this camera?”
Anna nodded.
“I had a professional come in a couple of days ago who brought tons of expensive equipment with him, and he couldn’t get a shot even half as good as these.”
“Oh, well, I can send them to you if you’d like,” Anna said. “Feel free to use them.”
“I have a better idea. How about I pay you to come take more of them?”
Anna’s jaw dropped. “Seriously?”
“Yes, seriously. These pictures are exactly what I was looking for for the new website and marketing campaign. But we would have to do it really soon. Like, tomorrow.”
“I would love that,” Anna said without hesitation. “Let’s do it.”
“Amazing.” Xenia stood up from the sofa and shook Anna’s hand. “I’ll come by tomorrow while you’re on your shift at the cafe and we can talk about it.” Then she walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.
Take that, Marcus, she thought. This was everything she could hope for. Someone else actually wanted to pay her for her work, and knowing this made her feel better than she ever had before. Maybe she didn’t need to rely on Marcus for success after all.
“Oh my god, Anna!” Elena shouted, standing up and wrapping her in a hug. “Congratulations! That’s amazing!”
Nikos caught Anna’s eye. “I told you you’re talented,” he said, joining the group hug for a moment. “Why don’t I go get us some pizza to celebrate? Alfresco should be open.”
“That sounds so good right now,” Elena said, pulling away. “Could you?”
“Anything for the professional photographer,” Nikos said, grabbing the keys to the truck.
“This is so exciting!” Elena said after he left. “Are you absolutely buzzing right now?”
“Yeah, basically,” Anna said. It was a feeling she couldn’t compare to anything else she’d felt. She was being paid to do the thing she loved. First the girls in Oia, and now Xenia. “Oh, shit,” she said, “I just realized I still haven’t sent those girls their photos yet.”
“Well, we can’t have that,” Elena said, “you’ve got a reputation to uphold. Let’s get to it.”
They sat down at Anna’s computer, moving the memory card over and choosing the best photos. In the end, Anna sent over forty photos to each girl, trying to make sure they had plenty of poses and locations to choose from.
“Look at you, getting paid to take photos. That’s exactly what you said you wanted to do!” Elena held her hand out in front of Anna, who high-fived her.
“I know,” Anna said, shutting her laptop and turning to face her friend. “I just didn’t expect it to happen so fast.”
“That’s the thing. If you do something enough and you’re good at it, people will notice. You probably are getting all this opportunity because you weren’t trying to be a photographer. You were just being one.”
“That’s incredibly wise,” Anna said. “You’re like Obi Wan Kenobi or Oprah or something.” She remembered the bottle of champagne she had stolen from the wedding the night before. “Should we celebrate? I have some champagne in the fridge.”
“Yes!” Elena shouted in response, jumping up and grabbing the bottle from the fridge, immediately working on the foil. “Xenia must really like you.”
“Actually, that’s from the wedding last night,” Anna admitted. “We stole it when we came back here. Turns out we didn’t need it.”
Elena laughed. “Probably for the best. You would have drowned if you had been any more intoxicated than you were last night.”
“That’s what I said to Nikos.” Anna flinched as Elena popped the cork, then reached out her hand to accept a glass after Elena had filled them.
“We should probably finish this before Nikos comes back,” Elena said. “There are only two glasses, and I am not sharing.”
Anna laughed and nodded, taking a big sip of her champagne. At least Elena wasn’t angry with her.
They didn’t quite manage to finish the bottle before Nikos got back, but it turned out to be a good thing since he had a case of beer with him, along with another bottle of sparkling wine.
“I see you guys started celebrating without me,” he said, setting the pizza and beer down on the table. “Is that the champagne from the wedding?”
“Sure is,” Anna said, opening the pizza box. “But the real question is, why did you only get one pizza?”
The rest of the evening, Anna, Elena and Nikos drank beer, ate pizza and room service desserts and watched movies in Anna’s bed. At around two, the three of them passed out on the bed, draped over each other like kids at a sleepover. Anna woke up a bit later to use the bathroom, and on her way back she paused and smiled as she looked at the two cousins asleep on either side of the bed. She was glad she had gotten a redo tonight. She needed to know that it was possible to be friends with Nikos and Elena after everything that happened.
As she curled up on the couch under a blanket, she thought about the job Xenia had offered her. Eighteen months as a gallery assistant in Manhattan and she had only ever stared at photos hanging on walls. Now she was going to get to take them. They probably wouldn’t end up in a gallery anywhere, but she felt like she was finally a real photographer. Maybe Nikos was right. Maybe she could build a life here.
The second she had that thought, her stomach dropped. It wasn’t the plan. She couldn’t stay in Santorini forever…
…could she?
Grace,
Today is Lizzy’s sixteenth birthday, and all I can do is imagine what she looks like. I can’t believe that I don’t know what she looks like now. The thought breaks my heart.
If I’m being honest, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we should have done things differently. What’s worse, having children you adore and then losing them, or never having them at all? I would obviously never wish Lizzy’s and Anna’s existences away, but I’ve definitely fantasized about what it would be like to not carry the pain of what I’ve been through.
What I really wish is that you hadn’t pretended. You pretended to be in love with me the entire time you were here. I may have been blinded by love, but you never did a thing to help me see clearly. Instead, you made promises to me and plans with me. We had our entire future mapped out, Grace. I still remember perfectly that time we went out on the boat and you said you wanted to open a store in Oia. You would use your law school money to buy one of the buildings. You would open a clothing store on the ground floor and fix up the upstairs to rent out to tourists. You weren’t a tourist, you’d say; you were there for good, so you weren’t like them. You were going to marry me in the big yellow church down the road and have babies with me and learn to drive stick shift so we could share the car.
And you know what? I think that some part of you actually wanted those things. Not with me, necessarily, but I think you were longing to be that person. You wanted to be carefree and unambitious and content with a simple life. The problem was that you never truly were. And I was so busy falling in love with the person you pretended to be that I never saw who you really were.
I don’t blame you for that. But I don’t blame myself anymore, either. You were always going to be the kind of person to leave, and I was always going to follow. Not to sound like a fatalist, but I can’t imagine the situation playing out any other way. I just hate that it did. And eight years later, I still cry almost every day because of what you took away from me. What my ignorance to the real you ended up costing me. On the best days, I’m heartbroken. On the worst days, I wish none of it had ever happened.
I know you probably won’t, but I have to ask. I will always ask. Could I please see them? Could I please speak to my children? Could you at least tell them that I love them?
No, I didn’t think so.
Giorgos