CHAPTER SEVEN:

BOTTOMS UP!

Imagine life if humans had never discovered alcohol. For a start we might no longer exist—wiped out instead by pathogens in water and with no weapons to fight them. The American Revolution may not have happened when it did; ships would be launched with bottles of water smashed against the bow; the phonetic alphabet would need another word to represent ‘W’; there would be huge deficits in tax receipts of governments around the world, but more than anything, we would be going to the caff for a drinkie instead of the pub. This book would have been called ‘School of Tea’ and, devotee as I am of that particular brew, it cannot match the fun, companionship, and karaoke performances I have experienced when having an alcoholic libation with friends.

This book is dedicated to the British boozer—the favourite institution of countless people. How lucky are residents of these isles to have at the centre of our society public establishments that offer pleasure, refuge, sustenance, entertainment, shelter, and a free visit to the loo? Tourists from overseas report that a trip to a pub is in the top five activities they want to do during their visit to Blighty. Perhaps they will see you there. If so, maybe you would suggest they buy this book to learn about the extraordinary influence alcohol has had on human development and history and the imagination and inspiration it has borne?

In the words of Ancient Roman poet Horace: ‘No poems can live long or please that are written by water-drinkers’.

Now you have read this book you are equipped with enough knowledge to regale your mates at the bar and answer correctly every booze question in the pub quiz. Can I join your team please?

Here is a challenge. If you see me in the pub and can answer this question correctly I’ll buy you a drink. What was I sipping when I wrote this sentence? But beware—get it wrong and you have to buy me a pint. Bottoms up!