Lord Cam had taken the news well, all considering. He hadn’t seemed that surprised. Mayhap he’d expected it; despite the fact he’d said he’d be a father to her child.
Their wedding was supposed to take place in the morning.
Since the winter was so much milder in the south, the duke had wished the ceremony to be outside, in his massive, mazelike gardens. Even now, as Elissa peered out the window of the duchess solar, she could see the preparations. Decorations being arranged, the next even more elaborate than the last, especially in the large gazebo. Serving lasses bustled, appearing to laugh as they worked. Enjoying their duties.
Rows of chairs already lined the walkways. A red runner made of lush crushed velvet lay in a roll, ready to be set to rights for them both to walk the aisle.
When would Lord Cam tell everyone all was for naught?
There wouldn’t be a wedding on the morn.
She sighed and battled an achy chest against a wobbly stomach. Guilt churned over her, making her feel worse. No matter how many times her logical side called her a fool for her decision; her heart wouldn’t allow her to marry the Duke of Dalunas.
Elissa didn’t love him.
She’d given her heart a chance, for two months now.
Feeling anything romantic for Lord Camden Malloch had been all for naught, too. She allowed his touch. Caresses on her face, holding her hands. Allowed him to hold her, too. His kisses—whether chaste or not so innocent—did nothing to stoke her desire for more. He’d been respectful, never pushing her.
Of course, he’d also assumed she had her virtue, so being the man of decorum he was, hadn’t planned on taking her innocence before they were wed. He’d told her as much, too.
He’d made her cry when she’d told him she was not a virgin, because he’d offered no judgment. Lord Cam had rubbed her back and held her until her tears abated. When she’d confessed she was carrying a child, he didn’t even ask after the sire—except to threaten the man’s life for hurting her. Perhaps he knew and chose not to say, the duke was not stupid, after all.
Lord Cam had been supportive. Patient. Loving. Told her he’d healed from a broken heart once himself. He’d assured her that her place in Dalunas—as duchess no less—was not in jeopardy.
He still wanted her. Intended to marry her.
The duke cared for her. She could see it every time she looked into his pale blue eyes. He’d not declared love, but it was only a matter of time.
Well, it had been. Not now. Not after she told him she couldn’t marry him.
The man was nothing if not tender, gentle, and so kind he made her cry—all the time.
Why couldn’t she love him?
Now she was hurting him, too. He’d not told her so, but his expression had been pained for the whole of their conversation that morning. He’d looked resolved from the moment she’d opened her mouth and had been completely honest with him. Save for the name of who’d fathered her child. Again, he hadn’t even asked.
Renewed guilt warred with her pain.
I’m doing the right thing. But—
Why couldn’t she move past Alasdair?
Elissa cringed. Even thinking his name made her want to dissolve into a pile of sobs.
She needed to hold herself together. Stay strong. Move on from Dalunas to…her new life.
Lord Cam had deeded the home of her birth back to her. His steward had readied the scrolls and she’d signed in the necessary spots. Another clue that the duke had been expecting her to break their betrothal.
He’d told her that he’d see her safely back to Greenwald as soon as she was ready to go. She had her own coin, and he’d provide it in full, as everything had been given to him from Lord Jorrin. Lord Cam had been stalwart in the fact that he’d see her settled himself, despite her protest.
She’d have a home to raise her child in.
Elissa closed her eyes and sucked in a breath. She rested her hand on her lower belly. She wasn’t showing yet, except for a slight roundness noticeable when she was naked. She stared at it every morning in the mirror.
If she hadn’t known her body so well, it might just look like she’d been eating too much and had gained a few pounds. But she knew the tiny distention was a hint of what was to come.
She’d become large with the child she carried. Unable to hide her impending motherhood forever.
Her heart skipped.
This morning, Lord Cam had urged her to tell her child’s sire, but she couldn’t reach out to him. Not yet. Everything was too raw. Her conscience kicked at her for that—her knight had a right to know of the child they’d created. But he hadn’t wanted her. She didn’t want to put her child through the same rejection.
Elissa wanted this baby—a piece of Alasdair—more than anything.
Would the man, Thomad Uncel, who’d run her property for all these turns see her as a harlot? Refuse to remain in her employ?
Elissa had written to him of her homecoming, and asked to see him and his family upon her arrival. The King’s Rider posted in Dalunas, a man named Simond, had left with her message that morning.
She had hopes Thomad Uncel would remain as her steward, move into the castle. She intended to offer his wife a position, and any other family who wanted it.
She’d be the lady of her castle.
Alone. With a fatherless child.
Elissa could ask Lady Cera for help, but she didn’t want to.
She wanted be alone. Didn’t she?
Definitely didn’t want to think about King Nathal and Queen Morghyn.
Lord Cam would have to report that they hadn’t married, but he said he’d wait as long as he could—knowing the delay would result in the king’s ire.
She wanted to be long gone by then, ensconced in Castle Durroc before the king stormed her home and commanded an in-person explanation. She didn’t doubt that he’d do so. Her cousin would likely accompany him.
Elissa didn’t know what would happen then…and didn’t want to think about it now.
I can’t. She had to be strong to get through the next few sevendays.
Mischief whimpered, and she spared him a glance. Her bondmate slept by the warm fire burning in the great hearth of the solar. Elissa studied him for a moment, but he didn’t wake. His thoughts and feelings were deeply mired in sleep, so whatever was bothering her wolfling must be in the land of dreams.
She really couldn’t call him a wolfing anymore. He’d been thriving in Dalunas, even as she’d wilted more and more each passing day. He was huge. Probably close to his sire in size, though he was not yet a full turn old.
“Someone’s here to see you, Issa.” Lady Aresha’s soft voice had Elissa turning away from the window.
Mischief wuffed and stretched by the fireplace, giving a loud yawn that had the lady smiling. The wolf wagged his tail and made a beeline for her.
“Oh?” Elissa smiled at the lass who’d become a fast friend since coming to Castle Malloch. Her bondmate had been quite taken with her from the start, too.
Aresha nodded as she stroked Mischief’s silver fur. She leaned down to him, making her long ebony locks sway. She wore them loose today, with only a ribbon across the top of her head to keep them out of her face. Her hair flowed to her hips, surrounding her like an aura. She was clad in a rich green, her gown simple, yet displaying her ample bosom and hinting at her rounded hips.
Her dress brought out the color of her leaf green eyes, and her beauty stunned Elissa, like most times when she gazed upon her new friend.
The lass wore her heart on her sleeve regarding Lord Cam, so Elissa hoped something good could be had from her breaking their betrothal. She prayed the duke could see what was so plainly before him and find happiness with the woman who did love him. Lady Aresha had been a ward of Lord Cam’s father as a child; they’d grown up together.
“A knight. From Greenwald.” Her gaze was knowing as she straightened.
Elissa’s whole body flushed. Her pulse pounded in her temples. She’d not confessed much to Lady Aresha—other than her heart had been bruised by another before coming to Dalunas. The lass had never faulted Elissa even though she’d been betrothed to Lord Cam. In a way, they’d grieved together, although Aresha had never admitted how she felt about the duke.
She’d also not told her she was with child, but Elissa suspected her friend knew. Whether Lord Cam had told her, or she was just intuitive was left to be unsaid. Either way, the lady hadn’t judged her—shocking considering she was in love with the man Elissa was supposed to marry.
Elissa hadn’t told her of the broken marriage plans, since it’d just happened, but she’d planned to, so she could urge her new friend to bare her heart to Lord Cam.
Aresha could’ve treated her horribly, but she was a gentle soul who’d embraced Elissa, and for that, she’d always be grateful. She wanted her to be happy, as well as the duke she couldn’t marry. Instinct told her the two of them belonged together.
Elissa wasn’t ready to see the man who’d put a baby in her belly. The knight who was hovering just inside the door of the solar.
He bowed to her as he stumbled into the room.
Lady Aresha moved out of his way, looking at her, then at Alasdair. “I’ll leave you, Issa.”
Please don’t.
Her friend went anyway, taking her wolf with her. Barred the door, too, with magic, if the glow around the entryway was any indication.
Dammit.
Traitor! she thought-sent to Mischief, but her bondmate didn’t send anything back. She planted her fists at her sides as emotions ran all over her body. Her magic tingled and Elissa fought it.
Alasdair bowed again, then shifted from foot to foot. He stared hard, and his sapphire gaze burned. He didn’t speak.
Her bottom lip wobbled and she bit down on it, fighting tears. Even looking at him hurt.
Now her wolf thought-sent comfort and love, but it didn’t help. He didn’t scratch at the door, or try to rush back to her side. It was as if even Mischief wanted her to have this very unwanted meeting.
Alasdair looked like hell, even worse than he had when he’d rescued her from Drayton. His dark brown hair lacked its normal rich luster, hanging limply past his shoulders, stringy. His face was layered in thick stubble at least three days old and the black bags under his eyes made his gorgeous deep blue orbs appear sunk in. His normally supple golden skin was sallow.
He swallowed, making the apple of his throat bob.
His clothing was clean but messy, as if he’d not bothered to straighten his appearance after a hard ride. His ivory tunic was wrinkled, and he wore no doublet like normal. His gray breeches hung low on his hips, as if he’d lost weight, even worse on the side that held his heavy sword.
Somehow, even with all that was before her, her Alas was still wickedly handsome.
She damned herself for the thought.
“I need you.”
Elissa froze. Of all the things she’d imagined he’d open with, the three words emitted from his cracked lips weren’t it.
“I need you,” Alasdair repeated with more desperation.
She gulped as the first tear rolled down her cheek. Elissa cursed it—she’d sworn she wouldn’t let him see her cry ever again.
When he started to close the distance between them, she whipped her head around the warm inviting room. She wanted—no, needed—to flee, but there was nowhere to go. She had to protect herself from him. Couldn’t let him hurt her again. Now she had more to think about than just herself.
“Elissa,” he breathed. His large hand landed on her wrist and she couldn’t pull away even though her mind shouted the command.
Tremors racked her frame as Alasdair pulled her into his arms, but he was shaking as much as she was. Against her will, her traitorous body moved into him instead of away, and a sob broke from her lips as she slipped her arms around his waist.
She could feel his heart hammering against her ear and Elissa crushed her eyes shut as his warmth seeped into her.
Pull away. Shove him away. Tell him to go to hell.
But she couldn’t. Nothing had ever felt so right. Elissa hated that.
She loved him so much. She hated that, too.
Alasdair was talking, but she couldn’t process it as her mind and heart were at odds, screaming opposite orders that did nothing but spin her into chaos.
Tears cascaded and she cursed every one. Again.
“Shhh, please. Don’t, cry. Not because of me.”
“I’m done crying for you.” Elissa lifted her head from his chest and tried to glare.
He smirked at her obvious contradiction and it made her blood boil. She tried to tug away, but Alasdair was too quick. Her knight cupped her face and started to thumb her tears away.
Elissa whimpered. Averted her gaze, but he didn’t release her.
“Even with puffy eyes and pink cheeks, you’re still the most beautiful lass I’ve ever seen.”
Her breath caught and she sucked her bottom lip into her mouth to stave off another sob.
“Please. Can I hold you? I just need to hold you.”
She didn’t nod, but her body went soft—still against her will—and Alasdair drew her back to him. Elissa didn’t want to go. She really didn’t. Didn’t want to find comfort against his hard chest, in his strong arms.
Not when he was the source of her pain.
More—stupid—tears were born when he stroked her back.
“What do you want?” she tried to bark. Instead it came out broken. Stammered. She refused her instinct to wince.
Alasdair pulled back. He set his palms on her upper arms and squeezed. His hold was gentle, but firm, the heat of large calloused hands compelled her to look into his handsome face. “Forgiveness.”
Elissa opened her mouth. Nothing came out except a hitched squeal. She cleared her throat and tried again. “Forgiveness?”
He nodded. It was curt, but pain darted across his countenance.
Her heart skipped.
“I was a colossal arse. A wretched fool.”
She didn’t disagree.
“I let you go. I never should have. I said things I didn’t mean.” He flinched.
Elissa clenched her jaw and ordered herself not to react to the agony in his gorgeous blue eyes. She planted her feet so she wouldn’t keel over. “Is that all?”
“Nay.”
“What else?” She arched an eyebrow and tried to look regal.
“I came here to beg forgiveness. To explain how sorry I am, and vow if it takes a lifetime, I’ll make it up to you.”
“A lifetime?” Elissa could only manage a pained whisper.
“You cannot marry Lord Cam.”
“Why not?”
“Because…I want you to marry me. Need you to.”
Her heart didn’t just skip. It stopped, then rebounded off her ribs. This proposal sounded as sincere as the first one. But this time was different, too.
Tears poured all over again. She didn’t fight when her knight’s hands settled around her, urging her back to his chest.
His mouth fitted over hers naturally, and Elissa met his kiss instead of pulling away.
Her brain nudged her, reminded her that he’d not declared any kind of love, scolded that an apology and another marriage proposal weren’t enough. She told all cognizant thought to go to hell and moved closer, molding her body to his, reveling in the feel of him, how much she’d missed him, how perfect he was against her.
He smelled the same, clean, masculine. She scented sandalwood she’d always loved, and forest, too, like the wind was still clinging to him from his ride.
Alasdair slanted for a deeper kiss, burying his hand in the hair at the back of her neck, holding her closer still. His arms were so strong around her, his chest so hard against her breasts.
Perfect. He was perfect.
She loved this man more than her own life.
Elissa met his probing tongue, moaning as warmth spread down her limbs and settled between her legs. Leaving her throbbing with desire for him. Fine tremors slid down her spine, and were only made worse when Alasdair shuddered. He kissed her harder, taking her mouth with desperation she felt, too. She kissed him as fervently, twining her tongue around his, his familiar taste enhanced by longing she felt to her soul. Elissa rocked against him, her pelvis rubbing his, and a thick erection pressed right back.
His arousal reminded her of news he didn’t yet know—their child.
Her belly flipped for reasons other than passion. Nerves inched up and paralyzed her. Her magic prickled at the off-kilter opposite emotions, but she gained control before it pushed hard enough to burst out.
“What’s wrong?” Alasdair leaned back, his blue eyes heavy-lidded, but concerned as he studied her face.
“I’m with child.”
He froze, his kiss-swollen lips parting on a gasp. He panted—she didn’t think it was from their kiss.
When his fingers flexed and released her, Elissa frowned. She backed away. “Blessed Spirit help you if you ask me if it’s yours. I’ll drown you.” She brandished her palm.
His eyes widened. “I wasn’t—” Alasdair sputtered. Shook his head.
If the circumstances were different, she might’ve laughed. She’d never seen him so stumped.
Alasdair’s dark brows knitted, and he reached for her.
She slid further, avoiding his grasp.
It was his turn to frown. “Lord Cam…didn’t….” He waved a white-knuckled fist. “I’ll kill him if he touched you.” He stalked to her, grabbed her forearm.
Elissa laughed, she couldn’t help it. “Funny, he said the same thing about you.”
His frown slipped into a scowl. He cupped her face, forcing her to look at him. “He did, did he?”
She grabbed his wrists and squeezed, but didn’t pull away. “I didn’t tell him it was you. He knows about the child, though. He said he’d marry me anyway.”
Agony darted across Alasdair’s face.
“I’ve never been intimate with Lord Cam, Alas. My child is yours.”
“I know.” He kissed her again, this time something tender that had her heart thundering all over again.
Elissa moved into him, slipping her arms around his neck and kissed him back with all her might. She yelped when he swung her up into his arms. His gaze bored into her.
“You will never be intimate with any other man.” The growl had her belly flipping. “Where’s your room?”
“Alas—”
“I know we’re not done talking, Elissa. But I need you.”
She stilled in his grip. “Say it again?”
“I need you.”
“Not that.”
A slow, sexy smile spread over his full mouth. “Elissa.”
“Alas.” She grinned.
“I love you.”
Her heart skipped again, making her doubt it’d ever beat normally again. Tears spilled all over and she nestled into his embrace.
He loves me.
Finally what she needed to hear more than anything. Elissa closed her eyes and smiled again when she felt his lips on her eyelids, then on her nose. He pressed a gentle kiss into her forehead, too, and her breath caught. “Alas,” she whispered.
“Aye, lass?”
“I’m not marrying Lord Cam. This morning, I told him I couldn’t go through with it.”
The apple of his throat bobbed and drew her gaze before she could look into his eyes.
“Elissa.” Her name came out a half-gasp. His hold on her tightened as his body stiffened.
“I want to marry you. But—”
“But what?”
“You…haven’t said how you feel about…the child.”
“Lucky,” he croaked.
Her breath caught. “Lucky?”
“I came for you. Now I get you and a precious little one. To love. Hold. Always. You’re both mine.”
Mine. The word reverberated in her head. And in her heart.
Elissa wanted nothing more. His acceptance was hard to believe. Too good to be true. “Even though it wasn’t planned?”
He flashed a lopsided grin. “I planned to seduce you. A child could’ve happened then, too. Blessed Spirit knows I can’t be careful with you.”
She giggled and felt a chuckle rumble in his chest. “Alas.”
“Aye, love?”
The term of endearment stole her focus and made her stomach flutter. She swallowed against the sudden lump in her throat. “I love you, too. And I forgive you.”
He kissed her, hard and fast, making Elissa’s head spin. “Good. Where’s your room?”