CHAPTER 4

Lucy and Gru stood on the front stoop of the house, just staring at each other. They didn’t want to go in. On the other side of that door was real life—Agnes, Edith, and Margo. They were so smart. It was only a matter of time before they realized something was up.

“We’re going to have to tell the girls,” Lucy said.

Gru let out a deep sigh. He turned to the door, noticing that it was open the tiniest bit. What could this mean? Could an intruder have entered their home? Gru and Lucy were immediately suspicious. Gru made some birdcalls. Lucy added a few spy signals. No one responded.

Walking carefully inside, Gru waited for Agnes, Edith, and Margo to run to greet them… but nothing happened. Inside, the living room was completely dark. They didn’t hear a sound. Something was off. “Hello?” Gru said finally, peering around the room.

One of the girls ran up behind them, throwing a bag over Gru’s head. Another blindfolded Lucy and pushed both Lucy and Gru into rolling chairs. Within seconds, they were being rushed through the house and out the back door, into the yard.

The girls removed Lucy’s blindfold and the bag from Gru’s head, revealing a dinner with Hawaiian-themed lights and decorations. The dinner was perched high on the deck of the tree house. Lights crisscrossed the yard as Edith recorded their reactions with her camera.

“Aloha!” the girls cried.

“This is unexpected,” Gru said.

“Well, you never got to go on a honeymoon, so…,” Margo, their oldest daughter, said.

“We made you dinner!” Edith cried. She was wearing the pink striped hat she never took off.

Agnes, the tiniest of their girls, ran around in circles. She jumped up and down, her black ponytail bouncing. She was so full of enthusiasm, and almost everything she did made Gru smile.

“It’s a luau!” she said. “We got pineapples and coconuts and lukuleles!”

Two Minions, Dave and Jerry, started a song on their ukuleles. They were both in Hawaiian gear: grass skirts and coconut bras. “Ya malatika tika, hee ha!” they sang. “Oww oww oww ah ah ah!”

Margo and Edith led Lucy up into the tree house to a table set for two. Gru pulled himself up via a pulley system. Once they were settled, Agnes placed two bowls in front of them containing some sort of soup.

“Looks too good to even eat!” Gru said, staring at the bowl in front of him.

Agnes frowned. “But I made it for you.…”

Gru shoved a giant spoonful in his mouth, trying to keep the smile on his face. “Mmmmmm…,” he said, slapping the table. “Good soup! I love the combination of gummy bears and meat!”

“I’m gonna hold it in my mouth,” Lucy said, “because it’s so good I don’t want to swallow it.”

“How was work?” Margo asked.

Gru and Lucy exchanged a worried look. Then Gru cleared his throat.

“Well, actually, today Lucy and I were invited… to not work at the AVL anymore.”

The Minions stopped playing their song. The whole yard was quiet.

“You got fired?” Margo asked, holding her hands to her cheeks.

“Oh no! No, no, no.” Gru laughed then got suddenly serious. “Yes.”

“But don’t worry,” Lucy jumped in. “I’m sure we’ll get new jobs real soon. Better jobs.”

Edith, their middle daughter, scrunched up her nose. “What’s better than being super-cool secret agents?”

“Oh, I know!” Agnes cried. “You could gamble online! That’s what Katie’s dad does!”

“Okay, we will definitely look into that. Good suggestion,” Gru said, trying to comfort them. “And let’s not go over to Katie’s house anymore.…”

Just then Gru’s cell phone rang. He glanced down, realizing that Mel was calling. He was definitely not looking forward to breaking the news to the Minions. He finished his dinner as slowly as humanly possible and then made his way down to his underground lair.

He stood onstage; the cheering was so loud it hurt his ears. There was a sea of Minions in the audience in front of him, jumping up and down and shrieking with delight. Some of them pulled out their old blasters and weapons.

“Guys, shhhhhh,” Gru called out. “I don’t think you heard me right. No, no, no, no, no, no, this does not mean that we are going back to being villains!”

The Minions froze. They seemed upset. Mel, the leader of the Minions, marched forward and stared up at Gru.

“Pinouf!” he yelled. “Flaku biko!”

Gru sighed. “Okay, alright, I get it. Look, I know it’s been a little tough lately, especially with Doctor Nefario accidentally freezing himself in carbonite—” Gru glanced sadly at Nefario, who was encased in a block of carbonite. A few Minions were still trying to free him with a jackhammer. “—but our life of crime is over!”

Mel directed Gru’s attention toward a large screen above the stage. He clicked a button on his remote and images flew past of Gru’s old life as a villain. The moment he stole the moon, the moment he defeated Vector, one of his battles with El Macho. Then there were other pictures right next to them: pictures of Gru riding a lawn mower; picking up poo left in the yard by his dog, Kyle; using a plunger to unclog the toilet—as if his new life were a lot less exciting. The Minions had a small point—he wasn’t so fond of cleaning up poo.

“Ahhh, pffft,” Mel said. “Looka! Bueno… pinouf! Bueno… pinouf! Bueno… pinouf! Minions… no le pinouf!!”

“Pinouf! Pinouf!” the Minions cried, chanting in protest.

“Guys! Listen to me and read my lips!” Gru said. “Lissa me lippo, pomodoro la comquit!”

The Minions burst out laughing. Gru hadn’t perfected his Minionese, but he thought he was at least close.

“What? What did I just say?” he asked. “It’s not comquit? Okay, pomodoro la kumquat.”

Now the Minions just looked confused.

“Whoa, whoa,” Mel sneered. “Tudi se comquit para no. No le para yo.”

“Don’t take that tone with me!” Gru cried. “We’re not going back to villainy. And I don’t want to hear another word about it.”

Gru turned on his heel and headed for the door. But then PHBBBLT!!!

There was a loud raspberry sound from the back of the room. Then another one. And another one. All the Minions were mocking him.

“Look, if you guys don’t stop that right now, there will be consequences!” Gru yelled.

Mel stepped forward, pointing up at Gru. “Aaargh! Puriquences, mi molo!”

Gru pointed right back at him. “Don’t say anything you’re going to regret.”

“Nori kaboss,” Mel yelled, throwing his hat on the ground. “Noori quitas! Ciao bello!”

“What? You quit?” Gru asked. But Mel was already leading all the Minions out the door. “You’re serious?”

They stormed out, ignoring Gru. One of them stomped on Mel’s hat. When they were all gone, Gru stared at the lair. He wasn’t used to seeing it so empty.

FOOMP! FOOMP!

The transport tubes spat Dave and Jerry into the lair. They were still wearing their Hawaiian gear—grass skirts and all.

“Dave! Jerry!” Gru said. “Great news, guys—you’ve been promoted. You’re in charge now, eh? Not bad!”

Dave and Jerry stared at each other, wondering if they’d heard Gru right. Could it be? Was it really possible that they’d be running the show from now on?

They didn’t want to give Gru time to question it. They just pulled off their costumes and rubbed their butts together in celebration.

“Yipa! Yipo!” they cheered. “Aruba-ruba-ruba-ruba!”

The two ran off to celebrate, leaving Gru alone. He stared out the window, looking at the moon—the same prize that not so long ago he’d stolen for himself. Were the Minions right? Had his life become too good… too boring?

“Hey, Gru,” Lucy said, glancing around the empty lair. “Whatcha doing down here? In the dark. Alone. You okay?”

Gru rubbed his forehead. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed since the Minions left. It could’ve been hours.

“Oh yes, yes, I’m fine,” he said. “It’s just… I don’t know. I guess I just feel like a… failure. Like I don’t have a purpose anymore.”

Gru tried to turn away, but Lucy put her hand on his cheek. She always had a way of making him feel better.

“Hey, mister,” she said. “You are not a failure.”

“If only I could’ve nailed Bratt. So many times I almost had him! But now I’ll never get the chance. ’Cause I have been kicked to the curb.”

“Gru, you’ve got to let this go,” Lucy said, staring into his huge brown eyes. “It’s time to look forward. Things will get better.”

She kissed him on the cheek. Gru closed his eyes, wanting to believe her, but he couldn’t shake a terrible feeling. Maybe this was it for him. Maybe he’d never again do anything worthwhile.

Had Balthazar Bratt been right? Was Gru the world’s worst agent?