SCENE 1
A PowerPoint presentation is illuminated on a white wall. The slide says:
Amusement or Barbarism?
Lights up on a modern apartment in New York City and a young Nepalese man, KALYAN, and his Indian girlfriend RESHMA. He speaks with an accent; she does not.
KALYAN “Amusement or Barbarism?”
RESHMA Am I supposed to choose one?
KALYAN No, it’s just a provocative opener.
RESHMA Oh sorry.
KALYAN That’s okay. “Amusement or Barbarism?”
Kalyan hits a button on his laptop and the slide changes to:
American Football:
An Introduction to the Ballet of Brutality.
By Kalyan Mathema
KALYAN “American Football: An Introduction to the Ballet of Brutality. By Kalyan Mathema.” Now, before I continue, I must confess that I’m of two minds on this. I feel, in a truly legitimate way, torn. And it raises large questions about morality and ethics. Questions that all the great minds have tried to tackle. Pun intended. Did you see that? What I did with “tackle?” You’ll notice that I have several puns sprinkled throughout this PowerPoint presentation.
KALYAN Continuing on. It raises a big question: Is it appropriate to withhold knowledge from someone even if you think it might hurt them? Is it ethical to deny someone information, even if disclosing that information might hurt them?
RESHMA Are you saying that telling me something, presumably scintillating, about football will hurt me?
KALYAN Well, I think it might hurt us.
RESHMA And how, exactly, will me knowing about football hurt us?
KALYAN Every Monday night, you and I gather together in this living room to watch NFL on ESPN, which is one of the great highlights of my week. In fact, it is the only highlight of my week. Is that too needy?
RESHMA It’s a little needy. But I know it’s the highlight and I appreciate your honesty.
KALYAN Thank you. And one of the things that makes it the highlight of my week—a week that’s mostly spent reading economics textbooks and World Bank reports and fighting with my roommate—is that you don’t know what’s going on during the game. If I can speak frankly, I think it’s so lovely that you don’t know what anyone’s doing on the field and yet you continue to come here, week after week, and let me put my arm around you while we watch something that I enjoy immensely and you simply tolerate.
RESHMA So what you’re saying is, you think my ignorance is lovely?
KALYAN Amongst other things, very much so.
RESHMA I’ve heard pretty much every cheesy pickup line. And, usually, I’m complimented on my brilliance. But, Kalyan, never has someone been so sweet and insulted me at the same time. What else do you like about me?
KALYAN I like it very much when you ask me why the blue team doesn’t just kick it between the yellow things and I get to tell you that they’re way too far away to kick a field goal.
RESHMA What else?
KALYAN I like it also when you ask me why thirty seconds is taking twenty minutes. I find that to be very charming, especially when it’s followed by a sigh of frustration because you have to be up very early in the morning to save the lives of strangers at your hospital.
RESHMA Anything else? Not football related?
KALYAN If you’re asking me to tell you what I like about you that’s not football related, I’m afraid you will definitely not make it back in time to save any lives. Reshma, I like everything about you and all of the little things that you hide from other people, like that little protrusion near your elbow that you unconsciously cover with long sleeve shirts in the summer and the tooth that kind of turns inward and makes you talk with your mouth a little more closed than would be expected from someone with your verbal prowess. These are the things I like the most. I would like to buy you longer sleeves and braces but I would miss your elbow and tooth so much.
RESHMA You are the sweetest person in the world. Do you know that?
KALYAN I’ve only just been alerted.
RESHMA You really are. You are the kindest, nicest guy. And I don’t deserve you.
KALYAN Don’t say that.
RESHMA No, really. I don’t deserve you.
KALYAN Of course you deserve me. The only reason you wouldn’t deserve me is because you’re so overqualified. So you wouldn’t deserve me through some reverse logic.
RESHMA Sweet comments like that are just another reason why I don’t deserve you.
KALYAN What does that mean?
RESHMA Nothing, it means nothing. Just continue on with the PowerPoint.
KALYAN Okay. “American Football: An Introduction to the Ballet of Brutality. By Kalyan Mathema.”
Kalyan presses a button. The slide changes to read:
A Brief History: Bravery and Brevity
KALYAN “A Brief History: Bravery and Brevity!”
RESHMA Is that also a pun?
KALYAN I think it’s more a play on words.
RESHMA ’Cause now I’m just looking for puns.
KALYAN And you’ll find them.
Kalyan presses a button and there is a cheesy transition to a slide that says:
Rules and Regulations
KALYAN “Rules and Regulations:”
And another slide:
Skin that Pig and Toss it on The Gridiron
KALYAN “Skin that Pig and Toss it on The Gridiron.”
RESHMA I think that’s a pun, but I don’t understand the reference.
KALYAN Don’t worry, there are more on the way!
The door swings open and BEN enters carrying groceries and a camera bag.
BEN Namaste, motherfuckers!
KALYAN Ben, what are you doing here?
BEN What am I doing in my own fucking home? Hey Reshma! You’re looking very Indian tonight.
RESHMA Thanks Ben, you’re looking smarmy.
BEN Was he doing a PowerPoint presentation for you? Were you doing a PowerPoint presentation for her?
KALYAN Ben, you said you would be at the bar for a while, you said this would be okay.
BEN This guy loves fucking PowerPoint! Any excuse to make a PowerPoint presentation. Someone asks him a question, a simple fucking query and he’s off and running. Hey Kalyan, how was your day? Hold on a second, let me answer that via PowerPoint. Hey sir, do you have the time? I do, let me show you on some PowerPoint slides. Do I have something hanging out of my fucking nose? Well, I can answer that using seven different shitty graphics with clip art and transitions!
RESHMA Okay, we get it! He likes PowerPoint. I happen to think it’s really sweet.
BEN Fine, but he’s teaching you about football? How is that sweet? You don’t wanna watch that brutal, barbaric shit, do you Reshma? You’re a classy woman.
RESHMA And yet, when you say that, Ben, I somehow feel less classy.
BEN The world is topsy-turvy! You can’t actually like football. Bunty only likes it because it makes him feel more American and less Nepalese, isn’t that right Bunty?
KALYAN I’m sorry about this Reshma. Ben did tell me he was going to be out all night.
BEN Do you want me to head back out?
RESHMA No, you stay! I was just about to leave.
KALYAN No you weren’t. No, she wasn’t.
BEN Are you sure you want to leave? I don’t want to break up the promising date you guys were probably having!
RESHMA Well, if you have somewhere to go …
BEN Really don’t.
RESHMA Why don’t we just call it a night, and I’ll call you tomorrow, Kalyan.
BEN That does sound like the better idea, you’re so smart all the time! Have a good night Reshie. Good to see you, as usual.
Reshma starts packing up her purse. Ben opens the door for her but stands in front of it.
BEN Before you go …
RESHMA Yes?
KALYAN Ben …
BEN Tell me you’re the luckiest girl in the world.
RESHMA What?
BEN You are dating this fucking prince charming! This guy is my roommate and my best fucking friend in the world forever and if anyone does anything to hurt him or to touch him where he doesn’t want to be touched or break his heart or even think of breaking that adorable fucking heart, I will personally track you down and slaughter you and enjoy it. So tell me you’re the luckiest girl in the world.
RESHMA Fuck you, Ben.
BEN And give him a little kiss so he knows you appreciate him.
KALYAN Ben, I don’t need help.
BEN Clearly you do. Give him a little peck on the face, Reshma. I’ll turn around.
RESHMA I’m kissing him because I want to kiss him.
BEN I don’t care why you’re doing it, just give the man a kiss.
RESHMA Turn around.
KALYAN This is absurd.
Ben turns around.
RESHMA Goodnight Bunty. You’re a great man. And you should get your own apartment.
KALYAN Goodnight Reshma. I meant everything I said about your elbow and your tooth. I love them. I dream about your flaws.
BEN Rein it in, brother!
RESHMA Call me tomorrow?
KALYAN First thing. Have a good night.
RESHMA You too.
BEN Can I turn back around now?
RESHMA No.
BEN I don’t get a kiss?
Reshma exits.
BEN That was kind of rude.
KALYAN It was rude of you, Ben. You humiliated me.
BEN Good cop, bad cop. I’m a dick and you look awesome by comparison. Which you are anyway, so I was just illuminating the truth of our dynamic. Anyway, you got some action, no need to thank me. Are you mad at me?
KALYAN Well you did say you would be out—
BEN Don’t worry about it, no hard feelings. How was your date?
KALYAN It was good and then a little weird.
BEN Because I came home? You’re gonna put this on me?
KALYAN No, right before you came home, it got a little weird.
BEN Probably because you were trying to teach her football on PowerPoint.
KALYAN No, that part was fine. It was just she said that she didn’t deserve me.
BEN So?
KALYAN She said it in a way that made me feel like there was something else going on.
BEN Do you think it’s because you’re a faggot?
KALYAN No. I don’t, I mean … I mean I’m not. I mean that’s not a word that should be used.
BEN “I mean I mean I mean.” Guess what I bought us? On the way home from the fucking life-sucking bar, I passed Curry Hill and picked up some Nepalese food.
KALYAN Did you really?
BEN Yeah, I figured you’d be hungry. Having not eaten any of Reshma. And that we could do a little cooking together.
KALYAN Ben, that’s so nice. And also crass and weird.
BEN Now, I know you barbarians still like to eat with your hands, but we’re eating with forks and knives and using napkins.
KALYAN My grandfather would not be proud to see me using a fork. But this is a beautiful gesture.
BEN It’s a feast fit for the deposed King Gyanendra!
KALYAN Ah, it sounds like someone’s been reading a little about Nepalese history.
BEN Guilty as charged, my friend. I love saying that man’s name. Deposed King GYANENDRA!
KALYAN Yes, he has a good name. Did you film anything today?
BEN Nothing needed to be filmed.
KALYAN ’Cause I saw something I thought you might have liked. I know how you’re always trying to capture real and dramatic moments for your film.
BEN Not “dramatic.” Compelling. There’s a difference.
KALYAN Well I saw this compelling situation I thought you might like. There was a man eating food out of a garbage bag he had clearly torn open himself. And then a dog ran up and started eating out of the same bag. And the guy didn’t mind. They were eating the same food, the man and the dog. It was so strange and kind of disgusting, but also peaceful in a way that made me feel like we could all just coexist even in this gruesome way.
BEN Wrap it, buddy. Long story short. Anything else?
KALYAN Well, yes, I’m getting to it. This rich-looking woman approached and grabbed the dog away and yelled at it for eating the food from the garbage. She said something like, “Baxter, no! We don’t eat from the garbage.” She said “we” like Baxter the dog and she eat the same kind of food. But the food from the garbage was good enough for the homeless man. It was just so sad to see how human beings can value animals over another person, another human being, who happens to be a stranger. And I thought it might be interesting for your film.
BEN All due respect, man, it’s not really that interesting. I see stuff like that all the time and it’s kind of cliché to show a sad homeless dude eating garbage.
KALYAN I know it’s probably not the most original thing in the world.
BEN It’s actually probably the most unoriginal thing in the world. That’s the problem with these fucking NYU assholes, they take a picture of a homeless man and call it art. It’s like “Fuck you! That’s not art! It might be art if you were homeless, but then you wouldn’t be at fucking NYU, now would you?”
KALYAN That’s true, you’re right.
BEN I’m sorry to put down NYU. I know you’re still happy there.
KALYAN Well, they didn’t kick me out.
BEN Yeah, well you’re in the business school, it’s a much different pile of shit. And, hey, they didn’t kick me out either! We had a mutual falling-out.
KALYAN I know you did.
BEN And the graduate department can suck my shit because they didn’t know what they had on their hands with me. They didn’t know how to think of me, what fucking little box to put me in. Well guess what?
KALYAN I don’t know, what?
BEN When my movie comes out, I’ll get a fucking honorary PhD. And don’t think I won’t accept it! I’ll fucking accept it, yes, and I’ll make a classy speech and say thank you and shake hands with those fuckwads, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from struggling it’s that the best revenge is a life well lived.
KALYAN That’s very sage.
BEN Thanks. Do you want some weed?
KALYAN No.
BEN No problem. I’m gonna smoke some nonetheless.
Ben relaxes on the couch, smoking, as Kalyan begins cleaning the house from his date.
BEN I had a kind of shitty day, Bunty. I mean, shitty compared to my other days, not compared to, like, world events.
KALYAN What happened?
BEN I’m crossing Third Avenue and I run into this kid I went to elementary school with, Ted. He said he’s getting married. What a fucking douche bag, right?
KALYAN I don’t know, is he? All I know is that he’s named Ted and that he’s getting married.
BEN He says to me, “Can you believe I’m actually getting married? Can you believe I’m finally settling down?” So I said, “Yes I can, you’re a boring Jewy douche bag from New Jersey who never had a girlfriend. Of course I can believe you’re settling down, what the fuck else are you gonna do, mow someone’s lawn?”
KALYAN I hope you didn’t actually say that.
BEN No, I said “congratulations.” But I was thinking that pretty loud and clear. Ted got a job working on Wall Street. He’s some kind of hotshot fuck or something. I don’t know.
KALYAN Really? Do you know which firm?
BEN Yeah, I asked him for his whole life story. We were crossing the street, Kalyan, I didn’t get into all that shit. Lay off.
KALYAN Well did you at least ask him if there was a job opening?
BEN You don’t want to work on Wall Street.
KALYAN No, Ben, that is exactly where I want to work. Why do you think I’m here?
BEN You’re here to learn. And you don’t need a job. I told you, I don’t want rent from you. Your money’s no good here.
KALYAN I don’t want to rely on you. I want to pay you rent.
BEN Fine! I’ll ask him if there’s a fucking job! Get off my jock. He gave me his number.
KALYAN Thank you. If it’s a problem, just tell me.
BEN He actually wanted to hang out. He said, “We should get together for drinks.” What kind of bourgeois bullshit is that? “Get together for drinks.” You never hear someone in the Democratic Republic of the fucking Congo ask someone to “get together for drinks.”
KALYAN Especially ‘cause there’s a drought.
BEN That’s actually funny, man. Your sense of humor is burgeoning.
KALYAN I learn from the best.
BEN I’m the best. Anyway, you wanna know the fucking kicker? The real salt in the wound of it all? You know who this guy’s marrying? Sarah Newburg.
KALYAN I don’t know who that is.
BEN The first girl I ever got an erection for! Sarah fucking Newburg.
KALYAN Really? Your first crush?
BEN It pisses me off, if I’m being honest. (suddenly vulnerable) It pisses me off, Bunty.
KALYAN (gently) I know it does, man.
BEN The world is unfair. You know that—you’re from Nepal. But it’s unfair here, too. I just feel … I just feel … like everything is fucked sometimes … Sarah was really nice to me.
KALYAN It’s gonna be okay.
BEN (tough again) I know that. Anyway, she’s probably ugly as shit by now, she probably turned into her mother—you know, all hips, no ass—but she was cute. If I’m being honest.
KALYAN Are you jealous of Ted? It’s okay if you are.
BEN Jealous? Fuck no. He’s an idiot. He’s a banker. I’m actually doing something with my life. I don’t have time for some bitch always in my ear, taking me away from my work.
KALYAN You’re going to do great things, Ben.
BEN Now, I’m not saying all bankers are idiots. But he’s a fucking Jewish banker from New Jersey, a fucking Shylock, perpetuating stereotypes that, frankly, I don’t need right now. It’s different than you being in finance.
KALYAN How is it different?
BEN Look, it’s kind of hard to describe because you’re not from here. But if you’re born in the States and you’re white and you’re fucking Jewish and you’re middle class, banking is kind of seen as an easy way out. It doesn’t have the nobility you think.
KALYAN I don’t think it’s necessarily noble. I wouldn’t say noble. It’s not any more or less noble than any other job, Ben. It’s just an interesting field to me and a good way to make a living.
BEN Yeah, but here, for a Jewish kid from the suburbs, and I’m speaking as a Jewish kid from the suburbs, it’s not interesting and it’s a shitty way to make a living. Listen, it’s like if I was born in Nepal like you, and I wanted to be a Sherpa or a Gurkha or a Parka or whatever, that would be like an easy way out, right?
KALYAN Gurkhas are considered the preeminent fighting squad in the world.
BEN And I’m sure they’re great but—
KALYAN And Sherpas can summit Everest without oxygen.
BEN Again, a great accomplishment—
KALYAN Parkas keep you insulated from a cold breeze.
BEN That’s cute. I’m just trying to say—and I’m trying to basically not insult you—The fact that you’ve come from Nepal, a fucking poor country—excuse me, a poor country—to the States to pursue a career in business is admirable in a way that for a fucking Jew—or excuse me, for a Jew—from New Jersey. Is predictable.
KALYAN What about movies?
BEN What the fuck about movies?
KALYAN Well you want to make movies—I mean you do make movies. Isn’t the movie industry disproportionately Jewish?
BEN Yes, and I have two answers that I’ve already thought of because I think about this shit all the time. One is that I’m not going to be some rich fucking casting couch film executive and the other is that arts and cinema can reflect life and push boundaries in ways that moving money around to make more of it will never be able to! And I was getting a degree in film theory. I’ll make a fucking pittance and I’m perfectly okay with that.
KALYAN And you could always just borrow money from your father.
BEN You want a hit?
KALYAN Is it still marijuana?
BEN Yes.
KALYAN Then no.
BEN My father’s a prick. Can I tell you a secret?
KALYAN Please.
BEN Wait. Have I offended you with the banking comments? Because if I did, I’m sorry and I’m frankly also uncomfortable moving forward if I’ve offended you.
KALYAN I’m not offended, man.
BEN Because I couldn’t live with myself, I’d actually fucking kill myself, if I’ve offended you in some way. I can’t, like, move forward if I’ve hit a fucking animal in the road, you know what I mean? I can’t keep driving thinking there’s a dead animal behind us in the road, you know?
KALYAN There’s no dead animal. Keep going.
BEN Because I think you’re a fucking awesome person. And the fact that you’re studying business at NYU and you’re from Nepal makes you an awesome roommate and an awesome friend and I’m proud as shit that we know each other.
KALYAN I also feel proud of this relationship.
BEN You’re a stand-up guy, Bunty. Okay, here’s my secret. When I was eight years old, I had a dream about Sarah Newburg, this fuckface’s new fiancée.
KALYAN Like a sex dream?
BEN More than a sex dream. Is it cool if I tell you something disgusting?
KALYAN I think so.
BEN Are you easily nauseated?
KALYAN In Kathmandu, I had giardia for four months. I have a strong stomach.
BEN I’m sorry to hear about your giardia.
KALYAN Thank you, it’s all cleared up.
BEN Okay, when I was eight years old, I had this dream where I was lying on the floor of my second grade classroom. The desks were all pushed against the wall. And I had spread newspaper neatly all over the floor and was lying face up on the newspaper and naked. And here’s the disgusting part. I’m kind of embarrassed to say it. Is it okay?
KALYAN It’s fine, please go ahead.
BEN Sarah Newburg, the presumably respectable fiancée of the douche bag I just ran into, was standing over my face, straddling it, also naked, and shitting on me.
KALYAN She was defecating on you?
BEN On my face. I feel fucking awful about this. I’ve never told anyone before. I’m so mortified. Do you know what it’s like to go through life with this image stuck in my dumb head, a naked eight-year-old girl shitting on my face? Am I awful?
KALYAN Hmm. Let me think for one moment.
BEN Take your time, buddy.
KALYAN Okay. I think if you had that dream now and Sarah was still the eight-year-old girl, I think, yes, that would be awful. But seeing as you were both eight at the time of the dream, I think it’s perfectly natural to have those kinds of fantasies. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and frankly it’s pretty brave to admit it.
BEN Dude, how do you always know what to say to make me feel better?
KALYAN I also have another thought that might make you feel better.
BEN Another thought that might make me feel better! (kisses his head) I fucking love you!
KALYAN I think it’s very responsible the way you laid out the newspaper in your dream. It says a lot more about your character that you laid out newspaper to protect the floor of the classroom and to catch the fecal matter that, I take it, missed your face, than it does about your sexual deviancies. In fact, I don’t think you need to be embarrassed about that dream at all. I think it shows great character and an ability to love another person despite their potentially off-putting bodily functions. The fact that she’s doing that on your face and you still love her is very sweet and I think it means that you’re going to make some other woman very happy one day.
BEN Who the fuck are you? You are the most perfect person that exists! I’ve been haunted by this for 20 years!
KALYAN Listen to me though, Ben. Having said all that, I do have one piece of advice you can either choose to heed or not to heed.
BEN Yes, please! Advise! I’ll heed, you perfect fucking specimen of a friend.
KALYAN If you’re asked to make a speech at their upcoming wedding, I would leave this story out.
BEN You are the fucking best roommate I’ve ever had. You know that? You really fucking are!
Ben loudly plants a big kiss on Kalyan’s head.
BEN And you know what? I’d love that Wall Street douche bag to meet you, I’d actually love that. My crazy Nepalese roommate! Let’s get that fuck over here for some drinks!
Blackout. Wu-Tang Clan’s “Method Man” angrily blares.
SCENE 2
Wu-Tang abruptly cuts out. Lights up:
TED is looking around the apartment. Ben rolls a joint at the couch. Kalyan, dressed nicely, prepares crudités and beer.
TED This is a sick place, you guys!
KALYAN Oh, this is Ben’s place. I just rent the room.
BEN Well you live in the room. You haven’t actually rented it in months. Let’s watch the semantics, Bunty.
TED You must be doing really well, Ben. And this is all from film?
KALYAN Yeah, Ben’s really talented.
BEN Hey, thanks buddy!
TED If you were able to swing this place, you must be talented.
BEN Times are good, brother.
TED Oh come on, you must’ve had some help from somewhere. All of our parents bought us apartments. I’m not ashamed. I’ve mostly paid my old man off anyway. Hey Kalyan, welcome to New York City, where all the kids are rich and no one can figure out how!
BEN I thought your dad got cancer.
TED He’s been in remission for five years.
BEN Weird.
TED Yeah, in six months, he’ll be out of the danger zone. Knock on wood.
BEN So he didn’t die?
TED We spoke about an hour ago, so unless he got hit by a car or something—
BEN It could happen. The world’s a scary place. We’re all just sitting around waiting to be killed.
TED That’s true, Ben. You always were a realist.
BEN Always!
TED Dude, I gotta say—I can’t believe I’m here talking to you, it’s so surreal. It is so nice to see you, man. You haven’t aged a minute.
BEN And you’re in a suit!
KALYAN Okay! We have some Crudités! And Nepalese Beer. The crudités was my idea. The Nepalese Beer was Ben’s. I hope you don’t mind Ted.
TED No, I’d be down to try it. What kind of beer is it?
BEN What kind? It’s fucking beer, who cares what kind it is!
KALYAN It’s called Mustang, it’s a lager. A pale lager.
BEN I had an uncle who was a pale logger. Chopped his dick off one day cause he was drunk on Nepalese beer.
Ted laughs heartily as Kalyan passes out the beers.
KALYAN Here you go Ted. And Ben.
TED Okay! To old friends!
TED Cheers!
BEN Eh eh eh! It’s Nepalese beer. We gotta say “Cheers” in Nepali! Show some respect. How do you say it, Kalyan?
KALYAN In Nepali? I can’t think of anything. I don’t think we really have that.
TED Come on, you must have something.
KALYAN No, I don’t think I ever said anything that would be an equivalent to “Cheers.” I guess when we’re drinking, we don’t really feel a need to congratulate each other.
TED You know, that’s true, I never really thought about that. Why do people congratulate each other for drinking? It’s not like it’s a great accomplishment.
BEN It’s pure hedonism! Maybe, instead of saying “Cheers” like we’ve earned it, we should apologize to the world. Because they’re all toiling away while we get to sit here and drink.
TED I think that sounds like a better plan.
BEN All right, raise your glasses, gentlemen. A Nepalese Cheers: To all the pathetic fucks breaking their backs while we drink this beautiful beer: I’m sorry!
TED and KALYAN I’m sorry!
They clink their glasses, laughing.
TED Ben, you’re one of the funniest guys I’ve ever known.
BEN “One of?”
TED You gotta make a comedy movie. You don’t like comedies? You could probably direct a really funny comedy movie.
BEN Got any ideas?
TED I don’t know, like what we just did! Like we were gonna say “Cheers” but then we decided that was selfish so instead we apologized. That would be like a funny little scene. It’s not like a whole movie idea, but it’s like a little scene, you know?
KALYAN That actually is a funny idea, Ben.
BEN Well, I’m already working on a different kind of movie.
TED Oh, sorry. Is it funny? What’s the storyline?
KALYAN Tread lightly, Ted.
BEN I film whatever life presents to me and put it together in a new kind of art form that doesn’t yet have a name.
TED Wow. Interesting. And, forgive me for being dense. But like, so, what do you actually film?
BEN Well, like just yesterday? I saw this dude eating from the garbage and a dog came up, started eating the shit too. And then this rich cunt comes up and takes the dog away, yelling at it: “Baxter, you can’t eat from there!”—and the homeless dude keeps on eating.
TED Jesus, wow, you filmed that?
BEN Yeah, it’s all stuff like that. And I’ll put it into a compelling collage of life, or what you call a “Storyline.”
TED That sounds cool.
KALYAN But remember how you also said that you liked how they were eating together at the beginning, the man and the dog? You said you thought it was peaceful, right?
BEN Nah, I didn’t really like that part.
TED That sounds incredible, man. And I see what you mean, how that’s more like, deep, than the comedy idea.
BEN Exactly. It’s more deep. Like on a deeper level. Like, journey to the center of the earth and, boom, there’s a homeless dude and dog sharing a plate of spaghetti.
TED (trying to keep up) Like Lady and the Tramp?
BEN Exactly!
TED Ah, right!
KALYAN So Ben said you’re getting married?
TED Yes, in June. We’re really excited. In fact, Ben and Sarah and I were all friends when we were tiny.
BEN You say that but I don’t really remember her too well.
KALYAN Was your announcement in the newspaper? Ben loves the newspaper.
TED No, we’re just doing a small private kind of thing. Immediate family, a few friends. One step up from City Hall.
BEN He’s only saying that so I don’t feel bad that I’m not invited. Which I don’t anyway.
KALYAN (gently admonishing) Ben. (to Ted) So were you and Sarah high school sweethearts?
TED Well we were, she just didn’t know it. I was in love with her way before she even knew that I existed.
BEN Ha!
KALYAN No that’s very sweet.
TED In fact, when I first told her I loved her, you know what she said?
BEN We weren’t there, no.
KALYAN What did she say?
TED She said, “Thanks.”
BEN Face!
TED (laughing) I know, it was awful. So you know what I did? I just started saying, “I love you, too” instead of “I love you.”
KALYAN That’s funny. The implication being that she’s already said, “I love you.”
TED Exactly. And it made her laugh. So now, every time I’m gonna say “I love you,” I just say “I love you too.” Or if she’s the first one to say it, she’ll say, “I love you too, Teddy.” It’s kind of become our thing.
KALYAN I really like that story.
BEN Me too. Can you tell it again but slower and could you lend me your sock so I can ejaculate into it?
KALYAN Stop it, Ben.
TED It’s kind of sappy, I know. What about you guys? Are you dating, single? If it’s not my business, just tell me to shut up.
BEN Okay, shut up.
TED Whoa. Sorry.
KALYAN Ben’s kidding. That’s his way of kidding.
BEN That’s me!
TED No, I know how annoying it could be. The newly engaged guy asks you how your love life is, like suddenly, ‘cause I’m getting married, the rest of the world is too.
BEN Exactly! It’s annoying.
Ted laughs as Ben begins rolling his joint.
KALYAN Well, in answer to your question, I’m kind of seeing this amazing woman.
TED That’s great, man.
KALYAN It is great. I’m just not really sure what it is, though. We like each other very much, but I could also tell that she’s not yet ready to settle down.
TED Ah, like you know it’s perfect, but she can’t see it yet.
KALYAN Right! And I have this recurring fear that I’m going to catch her on the street kissing someone else … some macho alpha male.
TED I know the feeling.
KALYAN She keeps saying that I’m too good for her. Like it’s a bad thing. Like she secretly wants to date some guy who’ll beat someone up at a bar for her.
TED That’s so funny. I totally get that. That’s not us.
KALYAN Exactly. I’m a pacifist. Literally. On my voter registration card, under “Party Affiliation,” I wrote in “Pacifist.” And I got in trouble for it. Ironically.
TED Listen to me Kalyan, and I’m speaking from experience here. Guys like you and me? We win out in the end. She thinks she wants some bad boy and maybe she actually does now. But, in the end, girls want someone who’ll take care of them. You’re gonna be fine, man.
KALYAN Thanks. I feel like I kind of know that, but I think I also need to be told sometimes.
BEN I’m touched, you guys. And hard.
TED So what about you, Ben? I feel like I don’t know anything about you. You know, everyone kind of lost touch with you after high school. I know you went out west to school—film school, I guess?
BEN No, for undergrad, I studied the humanities.
TED Oh yeah? Which ones?
BEN All of them. All the humanities.
KALYAN Benjamin’s become very humane since earning his bachelor’s.
TED That’s funny.
Ben grabs his lighter and joint.
BEN Can I spark up? Does anyone mind? Teddy, you back in the game?
TED Sure, I’ll take a little puff. It’s been a long time. I used to get so paranoid, remember that, Ben?
BEN Nah, not really. But this shit’s good. You’ll be fine.
TED Thanks. (takes a hit) Wow. It’s been a while.
BEN Welcome back.
TED (offers to Kalyan) Dude, you want some?
BEN No, he doesn’t smoke or do anything that’s fun.
KALYAN That’s not true. This morning, I washed my socks and ate an omelet.
Ted chuckles.
BEN That’s not fun.
KALYAN I know, I was kidding.
BEN (slaps his head) Oh! Good joke! Anyway, elephant in the fucking room! Kalyan, tell him about yourself. Kalyan’s doing amazing work.
TED Oh yeah? What kind of work are you doing?
KALYAN I’m currently getting a masters at NYU’s Stern School of Business.
TED Oh, you’re an econ wonk like me! Stern’s great. I went to Fuqua at Duke. It’s a similar program.
KALYAN Ah, yes, Duke. Go bulldogs!
TED What?
KALYAN Was your team not the bulldogs?
TED No, we were the Blue Devils.
KALYAN What am I thinking of?
TED I’m not sure.
KALYAN Blue Devils. Right. Duke.
BEN Anwyay, Kalyan’s the real deal. You know, he wrote a book. Can you believe it? He wrote a fucking book. Big hit in Nepal, he’s like the Harry Potter of Nepal.
KALYAN It was not such a big hit.
BEN And so modest. Unlike Harry!
KALYAN Ben said you work at a big firm. May I ask which one?
TED Yeah, sure. I’m at White Rock. Do you know it?
KALYAN Of course I know it. How long have you been there?
TED Almost ten years. I started interning right out of high school and worked remotely through undergrad and they half paid for my MBA at Duke. It’s kind of like a family for me; I feel like I never actually worked a day in my life.
BEN That’s funny. Me neither.
KALYAN I know a lot about your company. For a big investment house, you guys are doing some amazing work with mirco-loans.
TED Yeah. The boys do all sorts of stuff like that. It’s partly PR—
KALYAN No, that’s cool, that’s neat. It’s kind of my area of expertise.
TED Really? What are you studying?
KALYAN Well, it’s an MBA. But the program’s called “Social Problem-Based Entrepreneurship,” so I’m trying to reconcile collectivization in the developing world with the effect it has on international markets.
BEN Kalyan, you’re boring the life out of us white folk! Can I show him your book? I’m like a proud parent or something. This is embarrassing!
Ben goes to his messy bookshelf and begins rooting through it to find the book.
BEN He got a scholarship from his school in Kathmandu to study in the States so that he can go back to Nepal and save it from itself.
TED That’s great man.
KALYAN Well, actually I’d like to get a little experience working, frankly, where you work. White Rock is such an important company right now.
BEN Fuck that, he doesn’t want to work on Wall Street. You don’t want to work on Wall Street. He’s gonna go back to Nepal, degree in hand, and save that place.
TED You know, I can get you an interview with someone, if you wouldn’t mind starting in Asset Management. It sounds like you’re past it or just interested in different things—
KALYAN No, that’s fine, that’s great! I just want some real world experience.
BEN Real world experience? You’re from fucking Nee-Pal! What’s more real world than DEPOSED KING GYANENDRA!?
KALYAN Ben, can you please stop screaming that man’s name? He terrified my country for seven years.
BEN Sure, sorry. Anyway, you gotta go back to Nepal. Otherwise you’re just adding to the fucking brain drain. They sent you here to learn and, on graduation day, you’re flying your educated gray ass back to that shit-hole of a country—excuse me, that country—and saving it!
KALYAN Thank you for planning out my whole life, Ben.
BEN No problem, buddy.
BEN Well done!
TED Are you sure you guys are roommates?
BEN Nope!
KALYAN Yes, we are. What do you mean?
TED Well you kind of act like a married couple.
BEN We only act like that when we’re not fucking.
TED (laughing) No, seriously, how do you guys know each other?
KALYAN I posted an ad looking for a room on an NYU message board.
BEN It was terse and devoid of character, just like Bunty. “Room needed. I am clean, responsible and keep normal hours.”
KALYAN So we were perfect for each other.
BEN Yeah!
KALYAN I was trying sarcasm again.
BEN It’s going well. Lilt your voice a little more and then we’ll be able to tell. Hey Ted, you wanna hear something fucked?
TED Sure.
BEN When I met this kid, he was delivering pizzas. He wrote a hit book in Nepal, comes to New York to study and the fucking dumb capitalist system has him delivering pizzas to stoned idiots.
KALYAN I never minded delivery. Nothing wrong with an honest job.
TED Nothing at all.
BEN Well, the man’s a genius. And I recognized it and took him in immediately.
Ben finds Kalyan’s book, throws it to Ted.
BEN Here it is! You’re gonna love this shit, Teddy.
KALYAN Ben, have you actually read it since the last time you hadn’t read it?
BEN I’ll get to it, you know how proud I am of you.
KALYAN I do know that, I’m kidding.
Ben sits on the couch and smokes. Ted takes a look at the book, reads the back cover.
TED This is interesting. So you’re making a connection between a drought, a political uprising, and a decline in international tea sales. You know, I think there are some guys at work who’d be interested in checking this out. Do you mind if I borrow it?
KALYAN Mind? I’d be honored. Unless, I don’t know, Ben, were you planning on reading this tonight?
BEN I might. Toss it over here, Tedster?
Ted walks over and hands Ben the book. Ben thumbs through it.
BEN Yeah, I may read it tonight. I’ll give it to you when I’m done, though.
KALYAN Are you serious?
BEN Yeah, man. I’m sorry I haven’t supported you. I’m a shitty friend sometimes. Teddy, you want another hit?
TED No thanks, man.
BEN I can be a shit sometimes. I probably have some anger deep down but it comes out as shit. And I procrastinate like a motherfucker. Jesus Christ, do I procrastinate. So I’m sorry I haven’t read the book.
TED Do you guys maybe have another copy of the book?
KALYAN No, unfortunately. My family has a few copies in Nepal. But it’s out of print.
Ben recklessly throws Ted the book.
BEN Teddy, you take the book.
TED Okay, thanks man.
KALYAN Thank you Ben.
BEN Don’t thank me. I can’t wait to read it.
KALYAN Hey, can I give you my email or something?
TED That’d be great. Here: just type it on my phone. Send yourself an email, so this way you have mine too.
Ted gives Kalyan his phone. Kalyan begins typing.
BEN This is adorable. It’s like a fucking first date. Bunty doesn’t do shit on the first date.
TED Are you sure? I can be pretty charming.
BEN I know. You’re marrying that girl, what’s-her-name.
TED Sarah’s-her-name.
BEN Right, Sarah. I think we went to school together.
TED You know your mothers still see each other all the time.
BEN That makes one of us.
TED I know that Sarah would love to see you Ben. She still talks about you.
BEN (mocking) Wow! Still?!
TED Yeah, she’s always saying how creative you were and how interesting you are. Probably cause she’s marrying a boring guy like me.
BEN Probably.
TED You know what? We should all have dinner together.
BEN I don’t know, man. I’m pretty busy for the next several years.
TED We’re all doing shit, but we’re never too busy for friends. Come on! What about the five of us?
BEN You’re pretty bad at counting for someone on Wall Street. Who’s five?
TED Me and Sarah. Kalyan and his girl. And you.
BEN Well that sounds like it would be a blast for me.
KALYAN You know, I think Reshma would probably like that.
TED Then let’s do it. Ben, you let us know if you’re down. And we’ll plan it. This is gonna be great, I know Sarah’s gonna be psyched.
BEN That’s the most important thing.
TED Take care you guys. Great to see you Ben. Your movie sounds really cool.
BEN Oh yeah, it’s gonna be supercool. Neato!
TED And Kalyan, we’ll just stay in touch. Great to meet you.
KALYAN You too. Thank you again for considering the book. And, like I said, I’d be happy to do anything at the company. Or just an interview, if possible. Or a casual meeting. Really. Anything.
BEN Can you please suck his dick in the other room?
TED (jokey) No, here’s fine.
BEN Eww. Jesus, Teddy. Get your mind out of the gutter.
TED (laughing) You’re hysterical man. Really. Always a pleasure. Always!
Ted leaves.
BEN What a dick, am I right?
BEN Me too, I’m just kidding around.
KALYAN Yeah, he’s really cool. It’s nice to meet people like him who’ve really made it.
BEN “Made it?” How has he made it? He’s had one job his whole life.
KALYAN It’s impressive to stay at a competitive firm like that for so many years.
BEN No, it’s lazy. Hey. Are you offended by my actions this evening?
KALYAN Which ones?
BEN You knew what I was doing with the book, right?
KALYAN You mean how you pretended you were going to read it tonight?
BEN Yeah, you know why I did that, right?
KALYAN Well, I thought you actually wanted to read it.
BEN No, no. I was just playing hard to get. Like if he thought he couldn’t have your last copy, he’d want it even more. That’s why I gave it back to him.
KALYAN Oh, I thought you might actually finally read it.
BEN You wouldn’t want that.
KALYAN Yes, I would, Ben.
BEN Why? What the hell can I do for you?
KALYAN You’re my friend. And my roommate. I want you to be interested in what I’m doing.
BEN You need to have more confidence in yourself, man. You shouldn’t worry so much about what other people think of you.
KALYAN You used to read all my papers. You loved them and made little comments in the margins and proofread everything.
KALYAN No you haven’t.
BEN Hey! We’re all a little tense right now! Cool it down!
KALYAN What is your problem Ben?
BEN I saw her cunt.
KALYAN Excuse me?
BEN I saw his fiancée’s cunt.
KALYAN Are you talking about Sarah?
BEN I’m talking about her cunt. Can I tell you a secret about Sarah and me?
KALYAN How many of these do you have?
BEN I have a few. Can I tell you about that? About when I saw her cunt?
KALYAN Ben, I don’t know.
BEN Please. Can I tell you?
KALYAN Okay, fine. But can we not call it that?
BEN What?
KALYAN Her … genital. Can you please not call it the “C” word?
BEN What should we call it?
KALYAN I’m not planning on calling it anything. It’s your story. So what happened? And was this a dream or did it really happen?
BEN No, this really happened. I used to be friends with a kind of aggressive kid named Warren. And we were like seven years old. It was around the time that Sarah shat on my face, but definitely beforehand, which makes sense because I don’t think I would have been able to dream about her naked had I not actually seen it.
BEN Thank you. So we were playing in Warren’s bedroom, some dumb game, like Guess Who?, which you probably don’t know because it’s American so just picture checkers or Nepalese pickup sticks or whatever. And her parents come to pick her up and they honk the horn outside, in the driveway. And she gets up to go and Warren says that she can only leave if she shows us her cunt—sorry, her genital. So she pulls down her pants a little bit and fucking shows it to us!
KALYAN Oh my god, Ben. I don’t know if I could hear about this.
BEN Hey, where’s the tact you showed me during the shitting story?
KALYAN Okay, I’ll try to look past the sexual exploitation of a child.
BEN We were all kids, settle down. So her pants and panties are stretched down to reveal her thing and we are just looking at this fucking new image, this thing we’d never seen before or, if we had seen it before, we were looking at it in a whole new way. And I was horrified a bit, because it was so audacious of Warren.
KALYAN Warren sounds like a troubled kid.
BEN Warren didn’t make it past the age of twelve.
KALYAN What happened?
BEN He died.
KALYAN What?
BEN But that’s not important right now. What’s important is that, while she’s showing us her genital and her parents are honking the horn outside, Warren just looks down at the ground, like he’s embarrassed or something. Weird, right?
KALYAN Weird, but also understandable. It’s a shocking experience.
BEN But I, who didn’t ask to see it, who never would have thought to ask to see that, stare at it. I can’t take my eyes away.
KALYAN Interesting.
BEN Don’t judge me.
KALYAN I’m not.
BEN I remember that it was the most exhilarating feeling I’d ever had. My heart was racing. I was sweating. I was so turned on by it. Even at seven, I felt sexual feelings that were real and intense. But it was more than sexual. I think I was actually in love.
KALYAN Are you serious?
BEN Yes, and I think that was the last time I was really in love. I know that must sound perverse. Why am I telling you this?
KALYAN It’s okay, man.
BEN Is it?
KALYAN Yes.
BEN That was the last thing I ever saw that really made me feel like I wanted to love something. And I think I still might be in love. Isn’t that fucked?
KALYAN I think it might be a little unhealthy, yes.
BEN Do you think I would make it in Nepal?
KALYAN Make it?
BEN Yeah, I always thought you and I were so similar. But I don’t know that I’d be able to cut it there, you know? And you had to actually live there, like every day.
KALYAN Ben, I think you’d be fine anywhere you went.
BEN Do you really think that?
KALYAN I really do.
KALYAN No problem.
BEN Hey Kalyan?
KALYAN Yeah buddy?
BEN Do you think she would like me?
KALYAN Who?
BEN You know.
KALYAN Sarah?
BEN Yeah.
KALYAN I think she would like you. Ted said that she always thought you were so interesting.
BEN He did?
KALYAN Yeah, he said Sarah thinks you’re so smart and talented and creative.
BEN Yeah, he did say that. I wonder if she’d still think that.
KALYAN You’ve got a lot going for you.
BEN Do you think it would be a good idea to ask her to come over for dinner? We could cook the Nepalese food I bought the other day. I think Sarah might think it’s interesting, seeing everything I have going on in my life.
KALYAN I think she’d probably want to bring Ted over.
BEN You think she really likes him?
KALYAN I imagine she does, yeah.
BEN Fuck. You’re my only friend.
KALYAN I know.
BEN It’s so strange. You’re not gonna leave me ever, right?
KALYAN I don’t see how I possibly could.
BEN Me neither. Could you hug me for a second?
Kalyan hugs Ben.
BEN (sadly) I think I got really stoned.
KALYAN It’s okay, man.
Kalyan stays hugging Ben. Lights fade.
SCENE 3
A cheesy instrumental version of Billy Joel’s “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant” plays from a tinny computer. A PowerPoint presentation is illuminated. The slides read:
Welcome Reshma, Ben, Sarah and Ted to your first Nepalese Dinner.
What follows is a general introduction to my cuisine and some guidelines to eating Nepalese food.
Most importantly: Don’t Freak Out!
Yes, we will be having a “traditional” Nepalese dinner.
But you’ll notice that the word “traditional” was in quotes.
The quotes should make you feel safe.
The quotes mean it’s not really going to be traditional.
In fact, as a precaution, always look for quotation marks around words like “traditional,” “authentic,” and “home style” when eating Nepalese food.
This lets you know that you will not get giardia or amoebic dysentery.
We will be eating a variety of foods tonight.
They may remind you of Indian foods …
But we don’t like this comparison.
RESHMA Hey!
No offense Reshma.
RESHMA Thank you.
We will be eating Dal Bhat Tarkari.
This is a staple Nepali dish that will not make you puke.
We will also be eating Chatamari.
This is like Nepalese Pizza and will also not make you puke.
Finally, we will be eating Masu.
This is a curried spiced meat dish and, if you do puke, this is why.
And most importantly …
You need to know that Nepalese people, regardless of class, eat with their hands.
That’s right. Your friend Kalyan …
A picture of a smiling Kalyan.
… who you allow to sleep in your homes …
A picture of Kalyan in bed.
… grew up eating with his hands.
A picture of Kalyan eating with his hands.
I Nepal-ogize for any stomach or body odor problems that occur as a result of tonight’s experience.
Don’t comment on my puns, Ben.
SARAH Oh! Burned by PowerPoint, Ben.
BEN Ouch.
The End!
Lights fully up on Reshma, Ben, Sarah, and Ted. They politely applaud. The table is beautifully set.
SARAH Dude, that was fucking hysterical.
BEN He’s my roommate!
RESHMA You are such a geek.
KALYAN Better to be a geek than to disappoint your guests with unfamiliar cuisine.
TED Is that an ancient Nepalese proverb?
BEN No, he just made it up now.
TED “Better to be a geek,” says Buddah!
BEN We got it, Teddy.
KALYAN Okay, first things first. Despite my compelling sales pitch, who here would still like to use utensils?
TED I’m definitely using a fork! Sarah?
SARAH Hell no! I’d love to use my hands.
BEN Sarah! Up top for Hands.
Ben slaps Sarah five.
TED Okay, the lady hath spoken. We will both be using our hands!
BEN That was a quick turnaround.
SARAH I can be very persuasive.
BEN Your man’s got a strong backbone, there, Sarah.
SARAH Not anymore, Ben. I’ve whipped him too many times.
TED Oh! Is that why I wake up sore in the morning?
SARAH That’s one reason.
RESHMA I am not using my hands!
KALYAN Okay. Ben?
BEN Are you fucking kidding me? I’d eat with my hands anyway! Just like you, Sarah. I’d eat with my hands even if they were fucking tied behind my back and there was a gun to my head and the only way I could avoid being shot was to pick up a fucking fork. I’d still eat with my hands!
SARAH Wow. That’s a dramatic hypothetical situation, Ben!
BEN I’m a dramatic man, Sarah.
KALYAN Okay. So that’s four hands and one fork!
TED (to Reshma) Hey, if we all eat with our hands, there’ll be less dishes to clean.
SARAH That’s my man! Always thinking of a practical reason to do something fun!
RESHMA Sounds just like Kalyan!
KALYAN Hey! I’m fun.
RESHMA You’re a lot of things, but fun?
TED We’re not fun! Embrace it, Kalyan! We’re left-brained freaks.
BEN You guys sound like a blast! (mock-checks his watch) “Well, it’s the first of the month, honey, time to fuck!”
SARAH That’s totally Ted!
TED That is me! I love you too.
BEN There it is.
Ben watches as Sarah pecks Ted on the lips. Reshma looks at Kalyan.
RESHMA Did you pick up the wine?
KALYAN I didn’t have time after class. But it’s fine. We have something better: Nepalese beer!
RESHMA I’ll probably just have water.
KALYAN Resh, what’s wrong?
RESHMA Nothing. It’s fine. It’s just, I asked you to pick up the wine.
TED Is it the beer we had on Thursday?
KALYAN Yes, Mustang. Is that all right?
TED Yeah, it’s great. Sweetie, I think you’ll like this.
SARAH What kind of beer is it?
TED It’s like a pale lager.
SARAH Oh cool. I’d be down to try it.
BEN Sarah, I had an uncle who was a pale logger. He actually chopped his dick off one time when he was drunk on Nepalese beer.
SARAH You are insane!
RESHMA That is actually funny, Ben. I’m shocked.
BEN It’s a true story.
SARAH I’m sure.
BEN You don’t believe me?
SARAH I’ve never believed you, Ben.
RESHMA Should we move to the table?
KALYAN Yes! Definitely. Resh, should we pass out food or just let everyone help themselves?
RESHMA Everyone should just take, it’s annoying when you get more than you want.
KALYAN Great. Everybody to the table, please!
BEN Like cattle, we march!
Sarah tries to help Reshma carry food to the table
SARAH Do you need help carrying anything?
RESHMA No, no! Sit! Please!
Sarah moves to the table. Kalyan tries to help Reshma:
KALYAN Can I help you?
RESHMA It’s a little late.
KALYAN Sorry.
RESHMA Just go sit down. I got it.
Reshma carries the dishes to the table. They all sit down.
SARAH This looks great, you guys.
TED Yeah! It looks hearty.
BEN That sounds like a euphemism.
TED Hey, Ben, Kalyan, should we show the girls our Nepalese Cheers?
SARAH What’s a Nepalese Cheers?
TED Ben had the funniest idea. We asked Kalyan how you say Cheers in Nepalese—
KALYAN And I said that we didn’t have an equivalent.
SARAH (to Reshma) How do you say it in India?
RESHMA I have no clue. I’ve never been there.
TED So we were thinking that it’s so strange that people—
BEN Wait, you’ve never been to India?
RESHMA No.
BEN Weird.
RESHMA Why is that weird?
BEN Uh … because you’re fucking Indian?
RESHMA Where do your grandparents come from?
BEN Moldova.
RESHMA Have you been to Moldova?
BEN Fuck no, I’ve never been to Moldova, but if they were from somewhere cool like India I’d be on the first flight out. You gotta get more in touch with your roots.
RESHMA Thanks for the advice, grasshopper.
TED Anyway! We were thinking that the Nepalese people don’t say “Cheers” because it’s weird to congratulate yourself for just drinking alcohol. Right?
SARAH That’s actually a really good point.
TED Right, so Ben said that we should say, “I’m Sorry” to all the people that are working while we’re drinking.
RESHMA Ben! Showing a little humanity for a change.
BEN It’s in me somewhere.
TED And I thought it would be like a funny idea for one of his movies, you know? You can picture it: a group of people sitting around and instead of saying “Cheers,” they say, “I’m sorry.” It’s funny.
SARAH So let’s do it!
Sarah raises her glass. The others follow.
SARAH To the huddled masses from polluted sea to polluted sea: I’m sorry.
KALYAN, TED, RESHMA, BEN I’m sorry.
BEN Sarah, you’re the coolest girl I know.
RESHMA Hey, thanks, Ben.
BEN No problem. So, Sarah, what have you been up to all these years?
TED Didn’t I tell you when we ran into each other on the street?
BEN I had a lot going on that day, Teddy, I wasn’t exactly taking notes on our interaction!
SARAH Ted remembers everything, so he assumes everyone else does. I teach math at a school for court-involved youth.
KALYAN Wow, what does that mean, “court-involved youth?”
SARAH When kids are arrested, one of two things can happen. They can either go to what we think of as a prison—it has bars, they’re in uniform, the whole nine. Or they can go to group homes, where they live with a communal guardian and get bused to my school every day. It’s called an “alternative to detention” school.
KALYAN Wow. That sounds intense. But amazing.
SARAH Well, it’s just a regular teaching job for me.
TED No it’s not. She’s being humble.
BEN Hey, let the woman speak.
TED Sorry, honey.
SARAH No, it is. For me it’s just teaching math, but with the added benefit of knowing I’m enriching the minds of some kids who really need it.
RESHMA So what are they in for?
TED Let’s just say that all of her students know the metric system.
KALYAN What does that mean?
RESHMA He means because they deal drugs. Like a gram of weed, a kilo of coke …
KALYAN Oh. Really?
TED Nah, it’s just a stupid joke.
BEN It’s not just a stupid joke. It’s also gauche and racist.
Ted laughs.
RESHMA So what are they in for?
SARAH I never ask.
RESHMA But you must be curious.
SARAH You know, I was at first. When I first started teaching, I would just stare at these kids from the front of the classroom and wonder—did Raymond, who’s sitting in the back of the class in his Knicks hat, kill someone? Did little Michelle who knows her seven times tables scratch some other girl’s face off? Or shoplift? Or curse out a cop on the subway? And once, I actually snuck into the principal’s office during lunch and peeked into folders to see the profiles on these kids. And what I read shocked me. And I went back to class knowing that Raymond did in fact kill someone and Michelle scratched the face off her little sister after drinking a bottle of mouthwash. But I immediately felt something else, something so strong and so distinct that it shocked me even more than what I had just read.
Sarah takes a swig of beer, leaving everyone on the edge of their seats …
RESHMA What?!
SARAH I discovered that I just didn’t care. It didn’t matter what they did and I was just kind of disgusted at myself for knowing. I looked at Raymond and I looked at Michelle and, even knowing what I knew, they looked the same. They looked like kids in a math class. They were here now. We were in this room together. And we were learning math.
KALYAN Wow.
RESHMA What an amazing story.
BEN I was never good at math.
SARAH It’s a little cheesy, I know.
RESHMA It’s not cheesy at all. I wish I had someone like you as a teacher.
TED And Reshma, Kalyan told me how amazing you are.
RESHMA Did he?
KALYAN I may have said a little something.
TED Oh yeah. He wouldn’t stop talking about you.
SARAH What do you do? I know that’s kind of lame to ask.
RESHMA No, it’s not lame at all, it’s my life. I’m in med school?
BEN Is that a question?
RESHMA No it’s not. I’m in med school.
KALYAN Reshma is a lifesaver.
BEN There we are! Not to be outdone!
RESHMA I’m not really a lifesaver. I mean I was a lifesaver. But now, I mostly study the diseased tissue of dead people. I’m doing my rotations at Weill Cornell and last week they had me in the ER saving lives. But now I’m in pathology.
TED What’s pathology?
RESHMA It’s studying how diseases affect the body, so mostly I’m working with diseased tissue from … well basically from dead people.
KALYAN Reshma’s probably the only person in the world that actually longs to be back in an Emergency Room.
RESHMA That’s true! It totally suited my personality. The pace, the excitement, the adrenaline. And I guess I also loved telling people that I save lives during the day. But I have to say, and I don’t want to sound morbid, I also kind of love working with dead people.
KALYAN You see? This is why we get along so well.
BEN That was almost funny, dude.
KALYAN Thanks, Ben.
BEN No problem. Work on your timing.
RESHMA And I guess I had a kind of revelation similar to yours, Sarah.
KALYAN What revelation? You didn’t tell me you had a revelation.
RESHMA No, it was just this revelation that I love my job. For the right reasons. Like how you found that you liked teaching math for its own sake. I kind of found that the other day.
SARAH What happened?
RESHMA Well, this kid came in, he was killed in what I think was a gang-related thing. And he’d been shot in the chest three times and there were three distinct bullet holes in his body.
BEN Normally I don’t like to hear these kinds of stories when I’m eating, but this is actually making the Masu taste better.
RESHMA So I was thinking, if this kid was shot last week, I probably would have seen him in the ER. And at first I felt guilty, like if only I could’ve saved him …
TED Of course.
RESHMA And I started thinking that pathology was such a stupid, meaningless rotation for me. But then I realized without cutting this guy’s body open—Sorry! That’s totally gruesome.
KALYAN (rapt) It’s okay.
TED (rapt) Yeah. Don’t worry.
RESHMA Without examining this guy and learning what happens to a body when a bullet gets lodged in your spleen after entering through your stomach, we wouldn’t know how to save the next guy that comes in with the same thing. And I got a rush from it! And it’s not the same rush you get from running around a bloody ER, but just the rush from feeling like you’re part of something bigger than yourself and something that’s actually, in a real way, maybe important.
BEN Hakuna Matata!
TED Kalyan, are we the luckiest men in the world, or what?
BEN “Or what!”
TED (laughing) Hey! Come on!
BEN I’m just kidding. You’re both lucky. I just think it’s a little obnoxious.
TED Obnoxious? What’s obnoxious? What did I say?
BEN It’s just, Sarah tells this incredible story of how she’s like helping these criminals learn math—I mean it really was a wonderful story, Sarah—and then Reshma has to jump right in with her own tale of heroism. It’s just kind of obnoxious.
KALYAN Ben.
RESHMA Are you serious?
BEN It was Sarah’s moment is all.
SARAH Ben, it wasn’t my moment. I mean, we were all just talking.
BEN Oh. Then I’m just kidding around. It was a beautiful story, Reshie.
TED Oh! Jesus Christ, man. You kind of scared me. I can’t tell when you’re kidding.
BEN I’m totally kidding. I mean, it makes sense that Reshma would tell that story. Indians are very competitive people.
RESHMA Excuse me. What the fuck?
BEN What? Your culture strives to be the best. It’s not a criticism. It’s a great thing.
RESHMA It’s offensive.
BEN How is it offensive? What did you get on the SAT, Reshma? What score did you get?
RESHMA I’m not telling you.
BEN But you know what the score was, right?
RESHMA Yes, I know.
BEN Right. Ted, what did you get?
TED I don’t know man. I don’t remember.
BEN See? (points at Reshma) Indian? Competitive. (points at Ted) White dude? Doesn’t even remember his SAT score.
KALYAN Hey, Ben. Why don’t you cool down a minute?
BEN I’m cool right here. I’m gonna get some more beer.
Ben walks over to the fridge and picks out five beers.
RESHMA What the fuck is his problem?
KALYAN Just let it pass. I’ll talk to him later.
RESHMA You mean after he’s blacked out? That’s very helpful.
BEN Who’s up for round two? Teddy? You in?
TED No thanks for me. I’m still working on this one.
SARAH Yeah, me too.
Ben opens his second beer and chugs it at the fridge, putting the empty back in.
SARAH So Ben, do you want to tell us about your movies?
BEN Yeah! I had this amazing revelation last week. I was making a movie and I realized that I just like working with dead people and kids and it was so beautiful and the world is so good!
SARAH Come on, be serious. I was really hoping to hear about them.
BEN You were, Sarah?
SARAH Yes! I guess Ted didn’t tell you that I really love movies. Like probably the same kinds as you.
TED Sarah watches the strangest movies.
SARAH I do, I have weird taste. I don’t really like the regular stuff in the theaters.
BEN Any movie that’s commercially released is necessarily a piece of shit!
SARAH That’s so funny! Sometimes I actually think that.
BEN I always think that!
SARAH Well, it’s your industry. So you would know. I’m only an audience member. But I’m just attracted to the weirdest stuff.
TED Just to be clear, she’s not talking about pornography films or anything. She just likes, what? Independent films? I guess like Ben’s. Which we still haven’t seen!
SARAH Yeah, Ben, I really want to see your movies. I’m embarrassed to say this ‘cause it’s totally stalker-y, but I actually looked you up online when I heard you were directing movies. Because I wanted to see what you’ve done. But there was nothing listed.
BEN Yeah, I took all of that online stuff down. Because I didn’t like the way online reviewers can just write anything anonymously.
KALYAN You’ve gotten some amazing reviews though.
BEN That’s true. He’s right, I have, Sarah. Thanks, Kalyan.
SARAH So you were able to take everything offline? I didn’t even know you could do that.
BEN I prefer to work under the radar, it’s just more pure.
TED I didn’t think it’s possible to take stuff offline.
RESHMA I think you have to have the same IP address that posted whatever was up in the first place.
BEN Yeah, I got all that IP stuff.
KALYAN (saving Ben) Reshma also likes smaller-type movies. What was that one you were just telling me about?
RESHMA Oh my god—yeah. Did you guys see Martin’s Fall?
SARAH It sounds familiar. Is that about the guy with the leg? I read something about it.
RESHMA Yeah. It’s about this guy who has one leg but you don’t realize it till the end.
BEN Well thanks for keeping it a surprise!
TED Yeah, now we don’t have to see it! Right, Ben?
RESHMA But that’s the thing, it doesn’t really matter if you know or not. About his leg. Because it’s about so much more than that.
TED I’m just kidding around. It sounds interesting.
BEN Does it?
RESHMA It’s really just about this guy, this human being, suffering a loss. And the leg could be anything, really. And the guy could be anyone. It’s like it’s a story about everything and nothing at the same time.
SARAH See, Ben? That’s the kind of stuff I like.
TED “Martin’s Fall”? I’ll definitely check that out. Is there a bathroom I could use?
KALYAN Yes, of course.
RESHMA I’ll show you.
Reshma begins to lead Ted out.
SARAH So Ben, how do you decide what stories to tell?
Ted suddenly reappears.
TED Oh, I’ll field that! Ben just filmed this homeless guy eating out of the same garbage bag as a dog. And then this rich woman starts yelling at the dog for eating out of the garbage. Isn’t that incredible? He’s a like a real renegade.
Ted ducks into the bathroom, Reshma checks a message away from the table.
SARAH You filmed that?
BEN Yeah, I filmed that.
SARAH Wow. I didn’t realize you do documentaries as well!
BEN I could do anything that you like, Sarah.
SARAH That footage sounds incredible. It’s like that’s the whole point of movies, right? A hundred years ago, before there was anything being filmed, you could only read about something like that, which was interesting, but not as objective as seeing it. The expression on the homeless man’s face, the ravenous dog, the mean woman who you could also see yourself in. Ben, that’s why what you’re doing is so important and it is renegade, in a way. I would love to see that, if you’re comfortable showing us.
KALYAN Oh, I don’t think that’s fully edited yet, right Ben?
BEN No, it’s fully edited. I just can’t show it. Because I’ve submitted it to a few festivals. And I only had the one copy.
SARAH I would absolutely love to see that sometime. I really would. When you get it back, please call me.
BEN Okay, maybe I will. Maybe I will, Sarah.
Ben chokes up, suddenly emotional.
BEN Would you excuse me for a minute?
Ben stands up and wobbles unsteadily to his bedroom, as Ted and Reshma reemerge.
RESHMA What’s he doing?
KALYAN I don’t know.
SARAH Is he always like this?
RESHMA Yes.
KALYAN Well, he’s getting worse. But he means well.
RESHMA He’s a dick. He’s harmless, but he’s a dick.
TED I think it’s good that we’re here.
SARAH Yeah, me too.
They sit in silence. Kalyan sniffs the air.
KALYAN Do you smell that?
SARAH Oh yeah.
KALYAN He’s smoking.
TED I didn’t tell you. We smoked weed the other day. When I came by here.
SARAH Why didn’t you tell me that?
TED I mean I didn’t inhale, are you kidding? That stuff used to make me so paranoid. But I didn’t want to be rude, so I just took like a little puff and passed it back.
KALYAN I used to do that too, until he caught on and stopped offering.
BEN (OS) Are you guys talking about me?!
KALYAN No! Are you okay Ben?
BEN (OS) I’ll be out in a minute! Don’t talk about me, okay?
KALYAN We won’t.
BEN (mumbles, OS) Be out in a minute.
There is an uncomfortable silence as they decide what to discuss instead.
TED So, Kalyan actually wrote a book.
SARAH Really? Like fiction, nonfiction?
KALYAN Nonfiction. Very nonfiction. Economics.
RESHMA It’s about the economy of Nepal. And it’s really interesting and insightful.
KALYAN Yeah, I gave it to Ted.
TED I read it a few days ago. Really interesting. The stuff about the villagers?
KALYAN The Tribesmen?
TED The Tribesmen! Yeah, really interesting stuff.
KALYAN Wow, thank you so much!
RESHMA You see what happens when you put yourself out there? He thinks he’s burdening people by asking for help.
TED No, it’s no problem.
TED To be honest, it’s not really my area. But I gave it to some guys at the office. Do you need it back pretty soon?
KALYAN Well, whenever they’re done I guess. Or they can keep it if they want to.
Ben returns with his pipe. He is stoned and stumbly.
BEN Does anyone want some weed? I found some in the drawer where I keep my weed.
They just stare at him, not sure how to take it.
BEN Don’t judge me.
KALYAN No one’s judging you, buddy.
Kalyan stands and helps Ben walk back to the table.
KALYAN Let’s just sit back down.
BEN I am, I am. I don’t need help sitting at my own table, man. Okay? You’re the one who—who needs—It’s my table—
KALYAN It is. Okay.
RESHMA So! Who wants dessert?
KALYAN Yes! Dessert!
They move to the coffee table, where Reshma sets a plate of cookies and sliced oranges.
RESHMA Coffee? Tea?
SARAH Sure, tea would be great.
TED Make it two.
SARAH Well, one each.
TED Right!
RESHMA One each!
TED Are these ancient Nepalese chocolate chip cookies?
KALYAN Yes, carved from the foothills of the Entenmann Mountains.
Ted cracks up. Ben provocatively moves his chair toward the group. They all turn.
BEN Sarah! It is so good to fuck-ing see you. Do you know that? Sarah and I used to be friends. Well not really friends. But we were tight.
SARAH Yeah, we were all really good friends. You, me and Teddy.
BEN Teddy was a weird kid though.
TED We were all a little strange.
BEN But you were exceptional.
TED Thanks Ben.
BEN You don’t know everything about me and Teddy, do you Sarah?
SARAH Do you guys have a dark side I don’t know about?
BEN We all have a dark side. Some people are just too embarrassed to show it.
TED Ben, what the hell are you talking about?
BEN You know what I’m talking about, man.
RESHMA Kalyan, you want to do something?
KALYAN Ben, why don’t you go lie down for a bit?
BEN Where? In your bed?!
KALYAN Ben!
BEN Hey! We all had a turn to tell our story. Now it’s my turn.
SARAH Okay, yeah, he’s right. Tell us your story, Ben.
BEN When we were twelve years old, Teddy and I killed someone.
TED Excuse me?
BEN We killed an innocent kid named Warren, who wanted nothing out of life.
TED Who’s Warren?
BEN Well no one now, brother!
TED That sounds more like a movie idea than real life, Ben. Maybe you should put that in a movie.
BEN You know what I don’t need from you Tedster? Another fucking movie idea! I don’t come to your office with ideas about how to move money around, do I?
SARAH You don’t remember Warren Shepherd? He was that kid who put Elmer’s glue in his hair to make a Mohawk in like second grade.
TED Oh! Warren Shepherd! That’s right, he did die.
BEN Now he remembers!
TED I barely even knew that kid.
BEN I guess you don’t remember sixth grade then. March 13th, which just happened to be a Friday the thirteenth, Teddy and I are in Bio. It’s about 9:15 in the morning, second period. Warren shows up late to class. The teacher, Mr. Price, asks Warren where he’s been and Warren says, “Your mother’s house.” And Teddy laughs. A little too loudly I guess because Warren swings around and points at Ted. None of this sounds familiar to you? Warren points right at Ted and says “Don’t fucking laugh at me.” And storms out of the room.
TED I have absolutely zero recollection of that.
BEN I thought you’re supposed to be the one with the great memory.
TED Well maybe it never happened.
BEN No it happened. And it gets worse. After Warren leaves, Mr. Price goes back to teaching and Teddy leans over to me and says—and I’ll never forget this—our kind, little, sweet little Teddy says, “Warren’s such an asshole. You know, if Warren died, I wouldn’t be upset.”
TED I said that?
BEN And then that summer, in the woods behind school, Warren fucking died.
SARAH I thought he overdosed on something, right?
BEN He was huffing paint thinner. Alone, in the woods behind school.
SARAH That’s right, how horrible.
TED And you’re blaming me?
BEN I’m blaming both of us! Because when you said that you wouldn’t be upset if Warren died—
TED —Which I don’t remember saying—
BEN When Teddy said “I wouldn’t be upset if Warren died,” I just sat there like a fucking stooge, saying nothing.
SARAH But what could you have said?
BEN Oh, I don’t know—Like “Maybe you would be upset if Warren died.” Or “Maybe you shouldn’t have laughed at a kid who’s obviously in horrible pain. Who runs away from his home every week! Who smells like shit because he doesn’t shower! Who no one likes! Who’s crying out in fucking pain for someone—for anyone to acknowledge him! To make some fucking normal eye contact with him to show him that we know he’s alive!”
BEN But instead, I sat there silent, like a complacent idiot. With blood on my hands. And I know it’s probably easy for you guys to dismiss things that make you uncomfortable. But it’s not so easy for me.
SARAH Ben, that’s not fair.
BEN No, I remember that you guys started getting a little popular in junior high and Warren was just a little inconvenient blemish, right? Just a little collateral damage wiped out so the fucking cream can rise to the top.
RESHMA OK, that’s enough of that. Guys, do you wanna go somewhere else? Maybe we can head out to a bar or somewhere we won’t be assaulted.
SARAH Ben, what made you think of this boy?
BEN The boy is not the point! The point is … The point is … You cannot just go through life happy and popular. Okay? People cannot just go through life … happy! And shut the rest of the world out.
Pause.
TED We weren’t even that popular!
SARAH That’s not the point he’s making, Ted.
TED So what is the point? I still don’t understand how any of this makes sense.
SARAH Just let it go, Ted.
TED No, you can’t just draw weird conclusions like that.
BEN So how come we never talked about it again, man?
TED Uh—because it was a fucking irrelevant moment?
SARAH Ted, you’re doing the wrong thing right now.
TED No, you’re just choosing to remember it in this weird way. You didn’t do anything wrong! And I certainly didn’t do anything wrong.
BEN So why did you say it then? Why did you say, “I wouldn’t be upset if he died”?
TED If I did, it was probably because I was twelve! Who even remembers something like that?
BEN I do! That’s the point! I remember something like that!
The group is silenced. Ben runs to the kitchen, speaks in hushed tones.
BEN Kalyan, could you come here for a sec?
KALYAN Sure buddy.
BEN Did I cause a ruckus?
KALYAN I don’t know what that word means.
BEN I think it’s from a song.
KALYAN Yeah, I don’t know that song.
SARAH Ben, maybe you should have some water.
BEN I think I had a bad childhood when I was younger.
SARAH No, I was there, you didn’t.
KALYAN Let’s just go to your room. We’ll take a little rest. I’ll come with you.
BEN You’ll stay with me?
KALYAN I’ll come with you. Take my hand.
BEN I’m sorry everybody.
KALYAN Let’s go.
BEN Good night Sarah.
SARAH Goodnight Ben.
SARAH Yeah, it’s really nice.
BEN It’s mine.
Ben and Kalyan exit to the bedroom.
RESHMA Okay, it’s fucking 8:30. I’m not going home. Where should we go?
SARAH I don’t know. Maybe we should just head home. Teddy?
TED You guys work it out. I’m done arguing for tonight.
RESHMA I spent my week in a hospital, I’m not spending my night in a morgue.
SARAH Maybe we should stay here. Do you think he’s okay?
RESHMA Girl, how are you not eaten alive by those students you teach?
TED She’s too sweet. I’m always telling her.
SARAH All right. Maybe I could get a glass of something.
RESHMA Or a bottle. You guys go downstairs. Wait for me. Get a taxi.
Reshma opens the door and pushes them out as Kalyan reenters.
RESHMA Bunty, come on, we’re heading out.
KALYAN I think I should stay.
RESHMA I think you definitely should not.
KALYAN I should wash the dishes.
Reshma exits. Kalyan looks around. He picks up a few plates from the table and brings them to the sink. He heads back toward the table but stops and looks at the front door. He looks back toward Ben’s bedroom.
Kalyan walks to the front door, grabs his keys, shuts out the light and exits. Blackout.