Julian McMahon is a Melbourne barrister who has been the lawyer for Van Tuong Nguyen and members of the Bali Nine. Julian has been named Victorian Australian of the Year for his work as a barrister and advocate for human rights.

Dear Julian,

Two months ago, I was asked to write this letter of advice to you, trying to use my own experience as something positive. That has turned out to be harder than it sounds because life at your age was messy. On the surface, you functioned well enough, but the usually dramatic and confused life happening inside you seemed so different from what was happening around you.

You were feeling hemmed in, jammed, that life was all pretty messy and confusing. You were feeling that it’s so hard to have intense feelings such as love, hate, fear, and dreams of adventures which you can’t really discuss or share, that it’s so hard to want something entirely different in your day but knowing it’s just not going to happen. So, what can I say that is useful?

My first main point: whatever is happening now, it passes. From all these years later, I see now that good days and bad, worries, passions, disappointments, rages, excitements, they all pass. Of course, everything that happens in our lives shapes us, but that is a different discussion.

Life changes a lot, no matter what you do. Each phase of life brings a whole new range of things which are significant. Think back to when you were seven and what mattered then. So if life at 13 is mostly hard not easy, don’t fret. That’s a very good reason to stop being harsh on yourself, by the way. If you’ve made bad mistakes, don’t repeat them, learn and move on.

Let me offer another point to consider: hope is central to life. Spend time on it – it can be liberating and guiding. As a small example, you’ll begin to plan some travel adventures, and then by the time you’re leaving school, you’ll begin to do them. You get to an age and state of freedom where you can sometimes actually plan and do things. That can be a lot of fun.

Have I got any advice? Yes. It is to try to think long-term. If you can really get a sense of a bigger world, a far-off horizon, then start planning for it – what you read, watch, dream, discuss. If you have to do much of it alone, so be it. Planning, hoping, seeing the present for what it is – to be lived well, knowing it is passing. These things help you through the ugly stuff, and help you shape where you are going, what you do, what sort of life you lead, how you affect the world, how you let the world affect you. Please repeat those last seven words.

I have found it hard to confine this letter to how to deal with a tough few months at 13. I find myself thinking about your whole life, not just at 13. Maybe the two ideas can hardly be separated. How do you have the happiest life possible, real and profound happiness, whatever age you are?

I’m pretty sure that a lot of the happiness in life is about finding a balance between at least these three things: being as generous as possible, realising your plans and dreams (courage), and taking the time to learn things well (hard work). Maybe the balance or weight shifts between these if you are burdened with illness or frailty. So be it. Somewhere in that combination is also freedom – your choices, not someone else’s choices for you. Your choices will be right for you, make more sense, if you are having courage, being generous etc.

I can’t say for sure why being generous is so important – and I most certainly don’t think anyone should be a doormat – but I can say for sure that I don’t know any happy people who are not generous. Also, I don’t know anyone who is not generous but who is happy. But for some, life is hard and I do know some people who are generous but fate won’t let them find much happiness. At your age, being generous probably means looking after family, other kids (who are maybe pretty messy like I was!) lonely neighbours, needy people. Whatever it takes, do it. Be generous in the little things.

As I have tried to write this letter, so many issues have come to mind. Should I try to talk to you about how to make friends, how to deal with dishonesty, cruelty, bullying, how to manage selfish people who can make this time of your life miserable? Or about relationships, about the confusion you might feel with so much that is happening around you, about feeling clueless concerning the future, about the sense of missing out on things, be it friendship, love, cool clothes, whatever? All of those ideas could make a chapter.

But I can’t write about all those things here and now. What I can say is that the world you are now in will soon be different and other worlds will come your way. And with that in mind, you can approach all these issues with the three ideas I put above.

I have to tell you – one thing you learn as you get older is that life is usually messy, no matter your age. It’s not like you get to a point where all is well and clear, and then you start living. Rather, we just live in and out of different kinds of mess and do our best to make it worthwhile, no matter how simple or complicated our life and work are. Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes hard. And while we do it, we try to be happy, make others happy, make the world a better place. That is a life worth doing. For most of us, in all that mess you can find some truly great happiness. In my opinion, this is true whether you are at work, school, home, travelling, whatever. In a sense, every part of life has permanence. It has happened and won’t be undone. But change is always happening too.

Your plans, your courage, your dreams, doing these well, being generous (which brings you and others dignity, by the way), learning – all these will let you have a lot of say in which direction you go. The mess around you now will count for very little.

And because I am an old bore I have to say this as well – you have an education and access to books. So … the hardships we find at 13 in our lives are, for most of us, even if truly intense, nevertheless pretty small compared to the hardships of kids who never have an education, a book, a safe home, a safe day. That’s not our fault, and at some point we can – must – all do something about those problems, but when life seems too unpleasantly messy, we all need to keep perspective, all through our lives, at 13 and 52.