It is possible, I discovered, to go through living life in perpetual darkness, even when the sun is shining outside. It had been days since Jason and I had communicated. I wasn’t sure if he was angry with me for not speaking, or if he had just come to understand that I needed the silence, but he had long since stopped asking me if I wanted to ride on his back.
I looked up at the sun and blinked as the strong rays hit my tired eyes. I hadn’t been able to sleep since I’d woken up to a world where Chad had been blown up.
“It’s not you. It’s this whole damn crazy world.”
Jason’s voice startled me and I gasped, whirling around.
“What?”
I tried to make sense of the words he’d spoken but my brain felt fuzzy, like I couldn’t quite concentrate on what he’d said.
“None of this is your fault.” He leaned casually against a tall tree like we hadn’t been walking for two days in silence.
“Whose fault is it?”
I was curious how Jason saw the turn of events that had led us to this very moment. The world was, somehow, continuing to spin even though I wanted to fling myself off the ride. If this Werewolf in front of me could make sense of it for me I would take his explanation for no other reason than I wasn’t sure I could go on much longer in chaos. I needed order to reappear, or at least the illusion of it.
“It’s this whole damn time. Nothing is as it should be. I wish you could have known the world before, Rachel.”
I kicked the tree in front of me lightly with my foot. “Oh yeah? Who would I have been in that world?”
“A teenager. You wouldn’t have to think about anything other than getting good grades, figuring out where you wanted to go to college, and fending off the guys who wanted to date you.”
I shook my head. Jason could be exasperating. “Why would I be fending them off?”
“Because I’d have to kill them for looking at you.”
Groaning, I sank to the ground. I needed a break. I had to take one. There was just no choice. I’d eaten and drank when Jason had found us food and water.
“In this scenario, you’d be an old man, Jason. You stopped aging when you were under your bad Werewolf spell. You’d be in your forties. I have to imagine it would be illegal for you to even look at me that way.”
He laughed as he came to sit next to me. “Semantics, Rachel. Where is your creativity? I’m clearly envisioning a world where we are teenagers together.”
“The only world where that is possible is this one and we’ve already tried it. Didn’t work, remember?”
He shook his head. “It will work.”
“No.”
He turned his head to look at me, a piece of his wild blond hair falling over his eyes. It was already a mess and I tried not to smile about it. There were some things about Jason that were just charming, whether I thought we should be together or not.
“Why not?”
“Because even though he’s dead, I’m still in love with Chad.”
“Ouch.” He exhaled loudly. “That felt like a stab wound.” He grabbed his chest and I felt a moment of guilt for speaking so bluntly. Perhaps, when I wasn’t wracked with grief, I could have found a nicer way to say that to Jason.
“See the problem I’m having, Rachel, is that while you don’t smell like you’re lying when you say that, you don’t smell exactly truthful either.”
I closed my eyes and tried to find patience. Jason’s smell discussions had irritated me even when I’d been in love with him. Finally, when I thought I might not scream, I opened my eyes.
“How do I smell then?”
“I think you do love Chad.” He said love like he wanted to tear the word apart and spit it out on the ground. “But I think you love me, too.”
Okay, so maybe the problem with Jason’s sense of smell was how darn accurate it always was.
“I think a part of me will always love you, Jason.” There was no point in not telling the truth. “But it has to be a memory. The river that separates us is about to become an ocean.”
“No.” He fisted his hands. “It doesn’t have to be that way.”
“It does.” And the fact that he didn’t see it that way was a big problem. How was it that I could have learned something so pivotal—that in the world we lived in monsters and humans could not mix—and he hadn’t figured it out yet?
“Damn it, Rachel, I didn’t kill him.”
I had no idea what he was talking about. “What?”
“I didn’t kill, Chad. You can’t act like I did. You can’t stick something I didn’t do between us and let it make a void so big I can’t reach you.”
I sat up a bit to look at him. “You think I blame you for Chad’s death?”
“I don’t think you do. I know you do.”
“No, I don’t.” I coughed into my hand. Great, that was all I needed. I could get sick on top of everything else. “I think you should have left me to die. I know you didn’t have anything to do with Chad’s death.”
His eyes flared hot at me. “If you think for one second that I could leave you to die then you don’t know anything about me at all.”
“I don’t dispute that. I know nothing about you. Nothing that is real, anyway.”
He grabbed me so fast I never saw it coming. Before I could blink his soft lips pressed into mine, demanding attention. I moved to break the kiss but he deepened it before I could.
My treacherous heart turned over in my chest. I sighed. How could I like this so much? It was completely and totally disloyal to Chad’s memory that I loved the way Jason felt pressed up against me. It spoke volumes to what a despicable person I actually was that I could have drowned in the familiarity of Jason’s beloved smell surrounding me.
After a minute, I managed to pull out of his arms. We both panted like we’d run for miles. I looked down at my hands to avoid the intensity of his gaze.
“I don’t know what you want from me, Jason. I can’t go back in time. I can’t make you not leave. I can’t make it so I never knew Chad had feelings for me. I can’t leave Genesis. Six months ago I could, but not now.”
“I’ll go with you.”
He sounded so resolved I wanted to scream. “Jason, what would you do when you needed to shift? Run off? That will happen at least once a month. What if one of the Warriors accidently cut off your head thinking you were another Werewolf.”
“Rachel, these are not insurmountable problems. Work with me.”
I stood up. My need to escape this conversation was larger than my utter exhaustion. “My boyfriend just died, Jason. You didn’t die, you abandoned me. I took six months to date anyone else. This is death. It’s a little disturbing that you won’t leave me alone.”
He jumped to his feet. “My Wolf is clawing at my insides. It has wanted nothing but to go find you and demand answers. Then I find out that everything is askew and it’s my father’s fault. So, you’ll have to excuse me if I’m not acting all kind and understanding about the death of the guy who took my girl. I am a Wolf. I never promised to be a gentleman.”
There was the problem. Jason had always been the kindest, gentlest, guy I’d ever known and even though I wasn’t entirely certain all of it had been real, I was rapidly deciding he hadn’t been lying when he claimed he’d not known he abandoned me.
And if that was true, I couldn’t continue to be angry at him. Even through my utter grief and disgust with myself, I could see that.
If I wasn’t angry with Jason, then a lot of the feelings I’d hidden in the depths of my soul were going to resurface—whether I wanted them to or not. Besides, I didn’t believe in happy endings.
“I know you were young when it all came crashing down, but do you remember if people actually had happy endings in the time you lived in?”
He ran a hand through his hair as he looked at me. It was a gesture I’d seen him do a hundred times and it never ceased to make my heart rate speed up.
“You’re totally going to ignore what I just said, aren’t you?”
I smiled and it startled me so badly I took a step back. Covering my mouth, I felt awful. How could I do that? My eyes filled with tears and I couldn’t blink them away as they fell down my cheeks unchecked. Kissing Jason wasn’t as much of a betrayal to Chad as smiling just two days after he’d been killed. I shouldn’t be even thinking about smiling. Not ever again.
“Oh, Rachel.” Jason’s gaze fell to the forest floor. “I keep hurting you. It’s not my intention, Pixie-Girl.”
“He’s just a big idiot, that’s all.”
I jumped as Jason swore. There was no mistaking Autumn’s voice. They must have been downwind for Jason to miss their approach and even then it was a tribute to how distracted he must have been.
Jason snarled at his sisters. “What are you two doing here?”
I had only heard Autumn, but apparently now that Jason was aware they were here, he could tell Luna had arrived as well. It didn’t surprise me. They were twins: gorgeous, blonde bookends who went everywhere together.
They both stepped out of the shadows of the forest.
Luna smiled at me. Out of the two of them, she was easier going. “We left. Did you think we’d stay with Dad after what he did?”
Autumn nodded. “Yeah, we thought we’d come team up with you.”
Jason shook his head. “Go home to Dad. I can’t watch out for the two of you right now. I have my hands full here.”
I might have groaned aloud. “Jason, you don’t have your hands full. Go home. I’ll find my own way.”
“I’m not leaving you, so you can get that thought out of your head right now.”
His last few words were punctuated by loud growls. I’d never seen Jason this close to the edge before. Maybe I’m stupid, because instead of wanting to run away it made me want to scratch out his eyes.
I clenched my hands. “Tone it down, Kenwood.”
He snarled, his eyes turning into their Wolf form.
Autumn gasped. “Ah, Rachel….”
I interrupted her. I didn’t want warnings about being afraid of Jason in his current state. In his actual fully transformed Wolf-form during a full moon, Jason Kenwood hadn’t laid a paw on me. I didn’t believe he would now. This was a show of temper, nothing more, and I wasn’t in the mood to tolerate it.
“Keep it up, Jason, and the first machete I get my hands on, I will cut off your head without looking back.”
I wouldn’t. I knew it. He knew it. Still, I stood there like a statue with my feet spread like I really might take him down in a fight if I had to. I’m not sure how long we stood there like that, me staring down a wild animal that wasn’t sure if he wanted to pounce, but eventually he nodded his head and turned his back on me.
The movement sent the girls into motion. Luna grabbed one of my arms and Autumn the other. They propelled me forward like my own legs didn’t work.
“Are you looking to get killed? I’ve never seen my brother like this before.” Autumn’s voice was a combination of horror and awe.
I loved Autumn and Luna, but I couldn’t help rolling my eyes. “He’s acting out.”
Luna laughed. “He’s not a child.”
“Could have fooled me. My boyfriend just died. Chad isn’t two days in his grave.” I made sure to shout my last sentence. Jason, even a distance behind us could hear every word we said, but I wanted to make a loud point. “Jason was acting like he has proprietary rights over me. He doesn’t. Not anymore.”
Luna looked over her shoulder and then back at me. “Seriously? Are you trying to get him riled up again? He might snap.”
“And then what?” I stopped and pulled myself out their hold. “He’ll kill me? He claims to be my mate. Do mates hurt one another? Is that how it works? Come to think of it, do mates leave one another sitting in the snow and not show up?”
Autumn exhaled loudly. “That was….”
I interrupted her. “Your father, I know. Jason has to decide if he’s grown up or not. It’s not really my problem. It no longer has anything to do with me.”
Maybe if I said it enough, I would believe it.
Luna’s gaze met mine. “You’re so hard now, so much tougher.”
“Death will do that to you.”
I moved forward. I was so sick of walking.
Autumn ran up next to me. “Tell me why we’re all trudging along in our human form when we could be on four legs doing this faster.”
Jason’s shout came from behind us. “Because she won’t let me carry her.”
I sighed. “We don’t have the harness.”
Luna looked between Jason and me. “You could hold on.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to.”
If that was an immature answer, I didn’t care. I didn’t want to hold onto Jason like that. It was too…personal.
“Do you want to ride on me?”
“No.” Jason jogged to catch up to us. “If she rides on anyone, it’s me.”
I shrugged like I didn’t care. “Then we keep walking.”
Jason nodded. “Fine.”
Luna shook her head. “I don’t know which one of you is being more stubborn but I wish you’d cut it out. We have a chance here. The four of us could go out on our own, form our own pack. Maybe Autumn and I can pick up our own mates somewhere along the way and we can make our own rules.”
I didn’t want to be mean to Luna and Autumn. They’d never been anything but decent to me. Well, Autumn had once whacked me on the head, but we’d moved past that. Still, I couldn’t live in a fake existence. “No.”
“Why not, Rachel? Don’t you like us anymore?”
“I like you and Autumn just fine.”
Jason laughed. “It’s just me she’s not sure of.” He stopped walking. “Girls, could you go hunt us up some lunch. I want to talk to Rachel.”
Great. I thought we’d just gotten through ‘talking’ and it had ended with his growling. Was he already ready for another round?
Autumn nodded and within seconds she and Luna had all but vanished into the woods. It must be a Wolf thing, because I could never disappear like that. Plus, I had a feeling that ‘hunting’ up some lunch did not mean they were going to gather berries. No, it was more likely they would shift and bring us back some meat.
We stood in silence and I shifted from foot-to-foot.
“For a person who wanted to speak to me, you are certainly taking a long time getting going.”
He grinned. “I like looking at you, Rachel.”
I shook my head. “Jason, I haven’t slept in a real bed in a week. I’ve been blown up, knocked around, and been running around in the woods. Not to mention I spent two straight days in a mine. Somehow, I can’t imagine that I look anything close to good right now.” Not to mention, I’d cried my eyes out several times and my ever present facial scar….
Even as I said it, my cheeks heated up at the way Jason stared at me. He took a step closer.
“I want you to forgive me.”
I glanced away. “I’m not angry.”
“You are.”
Crossing my arms over my chest, I made myself look back at him. He’d taken another step closer so I took a step back, which pushed me right up against a large tree trunk.
“I’m not.”
“Don’t be afraid.” He raised his hands. “I’m not doing anything but apologizing.”
“Liar.” I spit out the word. “You’re trying to intimidate me.”
“No.” He shook his head. “I’m not sure I could. You didn’t even back down when I took the Wolf out on you. This is just me, apologizing to you.”
His face was close to mine now. “Don’t kiss me, Jason.”
I didn’t want him to. It was pivotal that he not, because I wanted it too much.
“I’m not going to.”
Instead, he placed his head next to mine and sniffed my neck.
“Stop with the smelling thing.”
When he’d first met, I’d hated that he did that. Then I’d come to like it. A lot.
“I can’t.” He was silent for a second. “Forgive me.”
“I told you I’m not mad.” And I was getting a little bit tired of repeating myself.
“You’re lying. You are.”
I closed my eyes. “Jason, don’t do this to me.”
“Don’t do what, Rachel?” His voice was like a caress on my ear.
“Don’t knock down my walls right now. They’re all that I have to keep me upright.”
“If you fell, I would catch you.”
I opened my eyes to stare in his blue ones. They were so earnest, that I caught my breath. “You can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because I have to go home.”
“I know you do. It doesn’t change anything.”
“Jason.” I pushed at his shoulders but he didn’t budge. “My boyfriend just died.”
“I know he did.” His voice was low. “I’m so sorry his loss is causing you pain. I swear by anything you believe in, Rachel, I’ll never let you down again. I’ll be one of the people you can depend on. Forever.”
“In this world, there’s no such thing as forever.”
“In our world, there will be.”
The first tear fell from my eyes before I could stop them. Before long I was so hysterical I couldn’t see clearly through my blurred vision. Jason’s arms came around me, pulling me tightly into his embrace. He smelled so good. I closed my eyes.
“Until you leave me in the snow again.”
“I won’t, Pixie-girl. I promise I’ll never leave you alone in the snow again. Or in the rain. Or in the sunshine. I’m always going to be there.”
I decided to believe him. I don’t think I ever really had a choice.