chapter twenty-six

I’m not sure exactly what I expect, but it’s not this. I was anticipating cops, but there aren’t any. Instead, once I make my way to the voices in my dad’s study, I walk into the room to see my parents, along with Stephanie and Ethan.

I stand in the doorway. They all look at me, stunned.

“Hi,” I say. Then, in the awkward silence that stretches between us, I add, “I’m home.”

My mother leaps off the couch and runs across the room to me. She holds me so tightly that I almost can’t breathe.

“Emily,” she says, “baby.” Then, over and over again, she says, “Baby baby baby. My baby.”

And here in this moment, I know that it’s true. I put my arms around her, waiting for her to calm down. My father comes over to fold me into another hug. The three of us stand there together, everyone shaking and crying, until we finally pull apart.

“Emily, do you know how worried we were? We thought we’d never see you again,” my dad says.

I look past him, at Ethan and Steph. Even though it’s a school day, both of them are in street clothes.

“Why would you think that?” I ask.

“Because of your note. We figured you’d run off with Del. We didn’t have any idea where you were …”

“I’m sorry,” I tell them. “I had to go.”

“Yeah, it was a nice note,” Steph says, her tone cautious and quiet. “Not exactly the most descriptive good-bye.”

“I’m sorry,” I repeat. Then, looking at the four of them, I realize that I’m in a room surrounded by people who love me. Beyond that, I quickly learn that they’re all people who know about the baby. In my absence—they felt they had no other choice—Steph and Ethan have filled in all the blanks for my parents. I know there will be plenty of discussion later on, but for now, my mom and dad are nothing but relieved to see me. Looking around at all of them, it becomes clear: this is love.

So I tell them where we went. I tell them that I saw Emily. “I had to know she was all right,” I say. “I had to know she was loved and safe. Otherwise … I don’t know. So when Del showed up and said that he’d found her, I just—”

“Had to go,” Ethan finishes.

“Yes,” I say. I glance down at his arm. He’s wearing the watch that Stephanie and his mother gave him. Some things, I realize, are not going to change.

Once Stephanie and Ethan have both hugged me, once we’ve talked some more and everyone is slightly more calm, my father says, “Well, you two, I suppose you ought to get back to class where you belong.”

They both look at me, reluctant.

“It’s okay,” I say. “I’ll be there soon.”

Once they’re gone, my father shuts the door behind him, and the three of us sit in the warm silence of the room. My mother and I are on the sofa, sitting close to each other, holding hands. Del’s red blanket rests at my side.

My dad leans against his desk. “We called the police, you know,” he says. “If you weren’t eighteen yet, you could have gotten in real trouble. But you left a note, and we knew you were with Del … we just didn’t know where.”

“I didn’t tell you everything,” I say.

Both of my parents pause. “What?” my mother asks. “What else is there to tell us?”

“I went to see Sandy Gray,” I say.

There is silence. It lasts for a long time. There is an underlying tone of something—call it terror—in my mother’s voice. “Did you speak to her?” she asks.

I shake my head. “I didn’t want to. I didn’t have to. I know who she is, and I know what you did.”

“Baby, you have to understand—”

“It’s okay, Mom. She has a good life, I have a good life … there’s no reason to go digging into the past.” I pause. “But there’s just one thing I want to know.”

My mom nods. “Okay. What is it?”

“Why did you do it? You were a widow. I didn’t belong to you. Why didn’t you take me back to her? Why didn’t you take me home?”

She shakes her head. “Oh, baby … I did take you back.” My mom swallows hard. “You were three. It was a few weeks after your father died, and I didn’t know what to do with you, but I knew where your mother lived. So we drove to her house together. It was pouring down rain—no wonder you’ve always been afraid of water. It was raining so hard that I could barely see the road, and I told you that I was taking you home, and you were crying. You said you didn’t want to leave me. I was the only mother you knew. And then we got there, and she lived—”

“In a trailer court,” I finish.

“Yes. How did you know that?”

“My dreams. I remember now. We watched her come home, and she didn’t look good, did she?”

My mom shakes her head. “No. She’d had a drug problem when she was married to your father. It was why they split up. She couldn’t handle the responsibility of a child, not as far as I knew. She couldn’t even take care of herself. She was a mess. And once we got there, once I saw her … Emily, you were my baby. As much as I knew it was the right thing to do, in my heart I couldn’t let you go. It was obvious she was still using, that her life was no life for a little girl to be living, and I just couldn’t do it.”

I don’t know how to tell her that I understand. So I don’t say anything. I stare at my hands. My father crosses the room, sits on the other side of me, and wraps his arms around the two of us. As we hold each other in near silence, I know this won’t be the last conversation we have about this, not by far. But for right now, it’s enough. What else is there to say? I’m home. We are all safe. That’s all that matters, at least in this moment.

And then, it seems, everything is over. For the time being, anyway. After we talk for a while longer, after I watch my father pick up the phone and call Del’s parents, letting them know what has happened, he sends me back to class.

Before I can go up to school, I have to put on my uniform. Stephanie is still in her room, getting dressed.

We stand alone in the quad, quiet.

Finally, Stephanie says, “I’m sorry, Emily.” She looks at the carpet. “I know I can’t imagine how hard this has been for you.”

“Right,” I say bitterly. “You’re such a sympathetic friend that you did everything possible to sabotage my relationship with Ethan.” I glare at her, pulling on my tights. “You were so jealous of me you couldn’t even see straight. Why don’t you just admit it?”

Her voice is soft. “Emily, he’s all I have.”

“He’s your brother!”

“Exactly! He’s my only brother, and lately I’ve felt like he’s the only person who really cares about me. My family has fallen apart. My own father barely sees his kids anymore. And then you swoop into his life, and he goes crazy for you … of course I was jealous. How could I not be? He’s the most precious thing in the world to me.”

I take a deep breath. I’m tired of fighting: with Del, with Stephanie, with anyone.

“Is he still mad at me?” I ask.

She gives me a blank look. “What do you think?”

“I honestly don’t know. He was pretty upset a few days ago. I mean, I kept a huge secret from him. I kept it from all of you.”

“You didn’t have a choice,” Steph says. “I get it. I might have done the same thing in your position.”

“You might have?”

She nods. “I don’t know. Probably. I can’t imagine what it must have been like.”

I’m more than a little surprised by her reaction. I never expected that she would forgive me. But before I can say anything at all, she explains a little further.

“When I found the note, I knew you were with Del. I got so scared, Emily. Everybody knew he was bad news. We didn’t know if he’d taken you, if you’d gone with him willingly—we didn’t know anything.”

I take a step closer to her. I have known this girl since we were twelve years old, both of us still in braces. We’ve had a thousand sleepovers together as roommates and best friends. We’ve seen the worst of each other, over and over again. And I love her so much, regardless of anything. After all, we’re all in it together here. All of us boarding students, alone in the world, our parents off living their lives with only an occasional thought of their own children. Now, more than ever, it seems sickening. We don’t belong to anybody, do we? How can I possibly hold a grudge, when she and I have lived such similar lives, when you really get down to the heart of the matter?

I hug her. She feels so familiar, so warm. We stand in my room and cry together. After a few moments, I pull away and say, “I’m sorry things have changed so much between us. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen, you know.”

She nods. “I know. Neither did I. And … I’m sorry, too. For telling you what to do with Ethan, for breaking his watch … for everything. I was awful.”

I nod. “Yes. You were.”

“ …”

“ …”

“We don’t have a lot of time,” she says. “I don’t want to fight anymore.”

“Me, neither.”

She reaches out again, like she wants to touch me. But at the last moment she lets her arm slip back to her side. We stand there looking at each other.

“You never answered my question,” I say.

“About what?”

“About Ethan. Is he still angry with me?”

“He’s upset,” she says. “It was a big secret to keep. But come on, Em—you know him almost as well as I do. Ethan can’t stay mad at someone to save his life.” She pauses. Then she almost giggles. “Well, except maybe Del. I think he’ll be holding a grudge against him for quite a while.”

“He shouldn’t blame Del,” I say. “Del was just doing the only thing he knows how to do.”

Steph shrugs. “Well, he’s gone now. That’s good.”

I nod.

“And Ethan will forgive you.”

“Steph?”

“Yes?”

“What about us?”

“What do you mean, us?”

“I mean you and me,” I tell her. “Everything is different.” I look around the room, so warm and familiar, and I know that it will not last. Things are changing. There’s nothing we can do.

“We’re still friends,” she says. “Aren’t we?”

“Yes.” Then, thinking out loud, I say, “School will be over soon.”

“We’ll keep in touch.” She hesitates. “Right?”

I try to smile. “Of course.” But we both know it isn’t true.

I’ve finished getting dressed. I can’t believe I’m going to go back up to school, as though nothing ever happened. And then it occurs to me—

“Steph?”

“What?”

“Did you tell everyone? About the baby?”

She gives me a long, hard look. Then she takes her thumb and index finger, zips them across her lips, locks them shut, and tosses an invisible key out the window.

“Thank you,” I whisper.

“It’s okay.” She pauses. “There’s something else, Emily. Something came for you yesterday.” She goes into her room, returns with an unopened letter. It’s from Renee.

17 April

mild and sunny

2:30 afternoon

stuck in boring study hall

Emily,

I called Madeline . She is in West Virginia like we thought . I caught her after school one day and we talked for a long time. She goes by Mazzie Moon now, not Madeline Moon-Park—that’s why it was so hard for us to find her. And it’s funny … we didn’t talk about her mother, or anything that happened. Just how she’s doing and what she’s been up to. She’s different now. Just from her voice, I can tell she’s been through so much.

I am going to Yale this summer. Madeline’s roommate, a girl named Katie Kitrell, is also going. Guess what I did? I put her down as my roommate choice at Yale. She won’t know who I am, or that I know Madeline, but I feel like it will be a way for me to watch over Madeline . I just want to be close to her, even if it’s only through another person.

How are your nightmares? Are they calming down? Have you heard from Del yet?

Write soon. Much love.

R .G.

I smile as I fold the letter and put it back into the envelope. Renee and I have a lot of catching up to do.

But there’s one thing I can’t wait to tell her: I can’t be sure yet, but I think the nightmares will be gone for good now. What is there left to be afraid of? Nothing. There are no more secrets, no more lies, no mysteries left to figure out.

Once I’m dressed and Steph and I have gathered our book bags, we head up to school. Steph doesn’t ask about the letter, but I know I’ll fill her in on the details eventually. After all, she’s my friend. For now.

On the way to school, Ethan joins us as we pass Winchester. He puts his arm around me, and the three of us are quiet for the rest of the walk.