The Slab Room. Enter George ‘Spanky’ Farrell in dust-coat, drainpipe trousers, Tony Curtis hair-do, crepe-soled shoes. He crosses to his slab and starts working. Enter Hector McKenzie, similarly attired in dustcoat. He is shorter and weedier than Spanky. He wears spectacles and carries a portable radio.
Spanky Hey, where’d you get the wireless, Heck? Never seen you with that this morning …
Hector Had it planked down the bog … didn’t want ‘you-know-who’ to see it.
Spanky Does it work? Give’s a shot … (Grabs radio.) Where’s Luxembourg?
Hector Watch it, Spanky … you’ll break it! You can’t get Luxembourg … it’s not dark enough.
Spanky Aw … d’you need a dark wireless? I never knew that. Mebbe if we pull the aerial out a bit … (He does so. It comes away in his hand.)
Hector You swine, look what you’ve done!
Spanky Ach, that’s easy fixed …
Hector Give us it. (Twiddles knobs. Gets Terry Dene singing ‘A White Sport Coať.)
Spanky Good God, could you not’ve brung in a more modern wireless? That’s donkey’s out of date.
Hector I like it.
Spanky That’s ’cos you’re a tube, Hector.
Enter Phil McCann in street clothes and carrying a portfolio under his arm. He sets folio down behind the door.
Morning, Phil. You’re early the day … (Consults wrist-watch painted on wrist.) ’S only half-eleven.
Phil Anybody been looking for us?
Spanky Willie Curry was in ten minutes ago looking for that lemon-yellow you promised, but I told him you had diarrhoea and you’d take a big dish of it down to him later on.
Phil (changing into dustcoat) Who belongs to the jukebox?
Hector ’S mines …
Enter Willie Curry.
Curry Ha … there you are, McCann. Where’ve you been this morning? Farrell there said you were unwell.
Phil Er … um … yes …
Curry C’mon, what was up with you?
Phil Er … touch of the … er … drawhaw.
Curry The what?
Phil Dee-oh-raw-ho … the skitters … it was very bad.
Curry Why didn’t you come to me earlier? I could’ve got Nurse to have a look at you …
Phil No … it’s not what you’d cry a ‘spectator sport’, Mr Curly …
Curry In future you report all illnesses to me … first thing. How I am I supposed to keep tabs on you lot if I don’t know where the devil you are?
Phil I was down the lavvies …
Curry You wouldn’t get much done down there …
Phil Oh, I wouldn’t say that, Mr Corrie.
Curry Godstruth, I don’t know … If I’d had you chaps out in Burma. Diarrhoea? There were men in my platoon fighting the Japanese with dysentry.
Spanky How did they fire it – from chip baskets?
Curry Less of your damned cheek, Farrell. A couple of years in the Forces would smarten your ideas up a bit … they’d soon have those silly duck’s-arse haircuts off you. And what’ve I told you about bringing that bloody contraption in, eh?
Spanky What contraption?
Curry How d’you expect to get any work done with that racket going on?
Spanky Pardon?
Curry Whoever owns this gadget can ask Mr Barton for it back.
Protests from boys.
I’ll be calling back in five minutes and if you bunch are still lounging about you’re for the high jump, understand? Now, get on with it … (Exits.)
Phil Chirpy this morning, eh?
Curry (popping head round the door) Five minutes! (Exits.)
Hector My bloody wireless! That was for my maw’s Christmas present.
Phil Bless my boater, did you catch that, Cherry? A yule-tide cadeau for the squirt’s mater and blow me if old Quelch ain’t went and confiscated the blighter!
Spanky Christ, Nugent, that’s torn it.
Phil Buck up, Pygmy Minimus … Cherry and I’ll think of something. Any ideas, Cherry, old chap?
Spanky How about a set of cufflinks?
Phil I’ll wager that beast Bunter had a fat finger in this …
Enter Jack Hogg with Alan Downie.
Phil Yaroo!
Spanky Yeugh …
Jack Morning, you chaps. Just showing the new lad round the Design Room. This is our last stop …
Phil Natch. When’re you off, Jacky Boy?
Jack Alan Downie … George Farrell … known to the riff-raff as Spanky.
Spanky Watch it, Jack. Howdy, Archie?
Jack And this is Phil McCann …
Phil Hi, Andy …
Jack And last but by all means least … Hector.
Hector McKenzie … hello.
Jack This is the Slab Room, Alan … where the colours are ground and dished for the Designers … you saw the patterns out there. What the lads do, basically, is dole out a quantity of dry colour from those drums over there … Persian red, rose pink …
Phil … bile green …
Spanky … acne yellow …
Jack … dump it onto one of these marble slabs, add some gum arabic to prevent it flaking off the paper … do we have some gum arabic? Then it’s just a matter of grinding … (Demonstrates.) Bit of a diff from the studio, eh?
Spanky Why don’t you vamoose, Jacky Boy?
Phil Yeh, Plooky Chops … them boils of yours is highly smittal.
Jack I’m warning you, McCann …
Phil Keep away from me! Hector, fling us over the Dettol!
Jack Jealousy will get you nowhere, McCann … just because I’m on a desk.
Spanky It’s a bloody operating table you want to be on, Jack. That face … yeugh.
Phil You can put in for plastic surgery, you know … on the National Health.
Spanky Or a ‘pimplectomy’…
Phil It would only take about six months …
Spanky … and a team of surgeons …
Phil … with pliers.
Jack (to Alan) I’ve just got to dodge down the factory … have a look at a couple of ‘trials’ … shouldn’t be too long, (to Spanky and Phil) The boss would like you to show Alan what goes on in here … in the way of work. (to Alan) Don’t worry, you haven’t been condemned to spend the rest of the day here … I’ll have a word with Bobby Sinclair the colour consultant. He could take you through the dyeing process…
Spanky collapses into Phil’s arms.
See you shortly … (Exits.)
Phil Get a brush and some red paint, Heck.
Hector What for?
Spanky To paint a cross on the door, stupid. To warn the villagers …
Hector What villagers?
Phil (to Alan) Okay, son, what did you say your name was again?
Alan Alan … Alan Downie.
Phil Right, Eamonn … let’s show you some of the mysteries of the Slab Room. Mr Farrell…
Spanky Mr Mac?
Phil I’m just showing young Dowdalls here some of the intricacies of our work. If you and the boy would care to stand to the one side …
Spanky Certainly. Hector …
Phil Many thanks. Right, Alec … this here is what we call a sink … s–i–n–k. Now I don’t expect you to pick up all these terms immediately but you’ll soon get the hang of it. And this – (Grabs Hector.)– is what we cry a Slab Boy …
Spanky You say it … Slab Boy …
Phil Note the keen eye … the firm set of the jaw …
Spanky They’re forced up under cucumber frames …
Phil Note too the arse hanging out of the trousers … this last because the Slab Boy, for all he is a special breed …
Spanky Trained to a hair …
Phil … is expected to put in a full eight hours sweated labour a fortnight for a few measly shillings …
Spanky … and all the gum crystals he can eat…
Phil Hence the firm set of the jaw. Thank you, Mr Farrell.
Spanky Don’t mention it.
Phil Don’t you wish you was one of this happy band, Archie? Grinding out those spanking shades for our designer chappies, so that they in their turn can churn out those gay little rugs one sees in our more select stores?
Hector Yeh, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Spanky Neither you do, you lucky bastard.
Alan I wouldn’t mind working in here but they’re putting me in with Bobby Sinclair.
Phil ‘Much are you getting?
Alan Er … three pounds a week …
Spanky Three pound a week!
Alan Round about that …
Spanky That’s more than the three of us put together.
Phil Is Waldorf Bathroom your uncle or what?
Hector Old Barton … the boss.
Alan What d’you mean? Of course he isn’t …
Spanky Must be some kind of blood relation to start you off at three quid.
Alan It doesn’t seem an awful lot to me. I’ve got a kid brother who’s earning that and he’s only sixteen.
Phil What is he, a brain surgeon? Three quid!
Spanky ’Much d’you get in your last job?
Alan I haven’t had a job before. I’m at the Uni. University. I’ve only just left school.
Phil Eh? What age are you?
Alan Nineteen.
Phil Did you get kept back a lot?
Alan Stayed on to get my Highers …
Spanky What school did you go to?
Alan The John Nielston.
Spanky Aw, another one!
Alan Oh, did you go there too?
Phil No, Albert… what Spanky means is you’re another one of ‘them’ … a mason … or your old man is. Place is crawling with masons.
Hector Don’t listen to them. They’re always going on about masons. ‘Jimmy Robertson’s a mason … Bobby Sinclair’s a mason … Willie Curry’s a bloody mason …’
Spanky He’s a bloody mutant.
Hector How come if everybody’s a mason you and Phil’s working here, eh? Tell us that …
Spanky I lied about my age and Phil there swore to Waldo Bathtaps he’d flush his Nine Fridays down the pan if only we could get to be Slab Boys. Aw, no … when Mr Bathtub took me into his office, grasped my hand … strangely but firmly … and offered me one pound two-and-nine a week. I went straight home and set fire to my scapulas.
Phil And don’t think it wasn’t sore. I was there when he done it. Soon as Father Durkin heard we were working here …
Spanky Phil’s Auntie Fay got beat up by the Children of Mary …
Phil Gave her a right doing …
Spanky She had to go to Lourdes …
Phil And the entire family were refused entry to Carfin Grotto …
Spanky And that really hurt. They were out there every Holiday of Obligation … down on their knees …
Phil Dragging the ponds for money …
Spanky Having a quick burst on the beads …
Phil Heh, that’s an idea. You ready?
Together In the Name of the Father, and of the Son …
Hector Cut it out, you pair. Don’t pay any heed to them loonies. Alan.
Alan But I’m not a mason, honestly. I don’t know what you’re talking about …
Phil Aw, no? Tell us this then … When you were in at Barton’s office this morning you shook hands, didn’t you?
Spanky And did it feel like you were in the grip of a man that was throwing a mild epileptic fit?
Phil And did he give your bahookey a pat as you went out?
Spanky And said you’d be working with Bobby Sinclair?
Phil At three pounds a week?
Alan Yes, but…
Spanky Told you he was a mason!
Phil Definitely! First day us poor sods were handed a packet of peanuts and told to report to the Slab Room …
Spanky Not even a pat on the bum …
Phil Look at that boy there … (Grabs Hector.) He was going to be a Capucci monk … look at him now.
Hector Hang off! I went to Johnstone High … I’m not a bloody pape!
Phil No sense denying it, Heck … how else would you be in the Slab? Show the boy your knees. (to Alan) They’re all caved in from praying to St Wilton for a desk.
Hector Don’t listen to them bums, Alan … they’re always going on about getting out of the Slab Room and onto a desk. Some hope. Jack Hogg was four years in here before he even got a sniff of a desk.
Spanky There was a lot more designers in Jack’s day. Look at it now … Gavin’s away to Australia … Billy Sproul’s in Kidderminster … and Hughie Maxwell’s got TB. There’s hundreds of desks out there. I’m asking Willie Curry for one …
Phil Ask him for two …
Hector What about three?
Spanky Hector, you might as well resign yourself … you’re in the Slab Room till Miss McDonald down the canteen gets a rise out of her suet soufflés.
Hector I was only …
Spanky I can see you now … unemployable… scoffing Indian ink with the down-and-outs …
Phil Going round the doors with clothes pegs … choking weans for their sweetie money …
Spanky So don’t go getting any big ideas about asking for a desk, kiddo. You’re lucky to be in a job.
Phil (with newspaper) Lend us a pencil, Spanks …
Spanky What would I be doing with a pencil?
Phil ’S that a pen there, Adam? (Plucks it from Alan’s pocket.)
Alan Hey …
Phil Gee … a Parker Fifty-One! What’s a slip of a boy like you doing with a pen like this?
Alan Just be careful with …
Phil Aaargh, the nib’s fell off!
Alan Jesus Christ! That belongs to my dad!
Phil I was only kidding. And less of the bad language, sonny boy … a bit of decorum, if you please.
Spanky That’s right, Phil… you tell the young turk. Don’t think you can let rip with that kind of talk in the Slab Room. We fought two world wars for the likes of you. That lad there lost a couple of legs at Wipers so the world would be a cleaner and better place …
Phil Where a man could walk tall…
Spanky Legs or no legs …
Phil Ach, I’m not in the prizewinners this week either. Hey, know what the first prize is?
Spanky No, what?
Phil ‘First Prize … Two Matching Hampsters.’
Spanky Hamsters? They allowed to give away livestock like that?
Phil What’re you talking about? ‘Two Matching Picnic Hampsters … Handy for the Beach and Country Walks.’ No mention of livestock.
Alan Pen …
Phil Here’s one … twenty-three across … says it’s an ‘anagram’. What’s an anagram?
Spanky ’S like a radiogram but not as high off the ground. Give the boy his pen, Phil, you’re never going to win it …
Phil Came pretty close last time … three out of forty-eight. I’ll win them hampsters yet.
Spanky And what’re you going to do with them when you do?
Phil Cross-breed them with ferrets and send them out hunting for Sadie and her tea trolley … I’m starving. Anybody got the time?
Reaches over and tugs Alan’s cuff. Alan takes his pen back.
You’ll give yourself a hernia lugging that about, son. (referring to Alan’s wristwatch)
Spanky You going to the canteen the day, Phil?
Hector (to Alan) D’you fancy the canteen? Sometimes quite good …
Alan Depends what’s on the menu …
Spanky No … they don’t have a menu, kid. ’S all chalked up on a big blackboard. There’s your Forfar Bridie …
Phil Hawaiian-style …
Spanky Your Links Over-Easy …
Phil Scotch Pie Thermidor …
Spanky Or if you’re really hungry, Ostrich in a Hamper.
Alan I might give that a try …
Alan looks away.
Spanky Healthy appetite, the boy.
Phil Aha. (following Alan’s gaze) Thought those might catch your eye, Albert. (Crosses to shelf and takes down jar.) This one here contains the mortal remains of one Joe McBride, the oldest Slab Boy in the long history of this illustrious company. Going on for eighty-four was Joe when he got word he was to start on a desk … He’d been in the Slab Room man and beast for nigh on sixty year.
Spanky That’s his withered scrotum drying over the radiator there …
Phil As I was saying, Alma, they eventually put the poor old bugger onto a desk … made him a Designer. Of course, the shock was too much for the elderly chap … when the cleaners arrived on the Monday morning they found the veteran Slab Boy slumped over his newly acquired and greatly prized desk … stone dead … his hoary old pate in a jar … a jar of freshly ground indigo … and you know what they say, Arthur?
Alan What’s that?
All When you indigo … you indigo!
Enter Jack Hogg.
Jack Sorry I took so long, Alan … bit of bother with one of the jute backings. How’re we doing? Lads filling you in all right?
Alan Oh, yeah …
Jack Good … good. Ready for a recce round the rug works, are we?
Alan Sure …
Phil Mind you don’t get lost down there, kid. If you don’t get in and out quick the herries eat you alive…
Spanky Like pirhana.
Phil You’ll be okay with Jacky Boy though. Soon as they see his kisser all the lassies dive under the looms.
Spanky Yeh … Big Jinty says it’s like somebody smacked him with a bag of hundreds and thousands.
Jack Just you keep that up, Farrell … (Beckons to Alan.) Just you keep that up. Alan … (to Spanky) Don’t imagine I’m going to stand here and bandy words with the likes of you.
Exeunt.
Spanky And don’t imagine we’re going to stand here and bandy legs with the likes of you, Torn Face!
Pause.
Spanky What?
Phil D’you think going off your head’s catching?
Spanky Eh? You mean like crabs or Jack’s plooks?
Phil No, I’m serious … d’you think it is?
Spanky How … who do you know that’s off their head apart from everybody in … ’S not your maw again, is it?
Phil Yeh … they took her away last night.
Spanky Christ …
Phil She wasn’t all that bad either … not for her, that is. All she done was run up the street with her hair on fire and dive through the Co-operative windows …
Spanky Thought that was normal down your way?
Phil Yeh … but that’s mostly the drink.
Spanky How long’ll she be in this time?
Phil Usual six weeks, I expect. First week tied to a rubber mattress, next five wired up to a generator.
Spanky That’s shocking.
Phil That’s when we get in to see her. Never knew us the last time. Kept looking at my old man and saying, ‘Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.’ Course, he’s hopeless … thinks it’s like diphtheria or something. ‘The doctors is doing their best, Annie … you’ll be home soon. You taking that medicine they give you?’ Medicine? Forty bennies crushed up in their cornflakes before they frogmarch them down to the ‘relaxation classes’, then it’s back up to Cell Block Eleven for a kitbagful of capsules that gets them bleary-eyed enough for a chat with the consultant psychiatrist.
Spanky Not much of a holiday, is it?
Phil Did I ever tell you about that convalescent home my maw and me went to? At the seaside … West Kilbride?
Spanky Don’t think so.
Phil I was about eleven at the time. Got took out of school to go with her … on the train. Some holiday. Place was chock-a-block with invalids … headcases soaking up the Clyde breeze before getting pitched back into the hurly-burly of everyday life … Old-age pensioners, their skulls full of mush … single guys in their forties in too-short trousers and intellects to match … Middle-aged women in ankle socks roaming about looking for a letter box to stick their postcards through. Abject bloody misery, it was. Dark brown waxcloth you could see your face in … bathroom mirrors you couldn’t. Lights out at half-seven … no wireless, no comics, no nothing. Compulsory hymn-singing for everybody including the bedridden. Towels that tore the skin off your bum when you had a bath. Steamed fish on Sundays for a special treat …
Spanky Bleagh …
Phil The one highlight was a doll of about nineteen or twenty … There we all were sitting in our deck chairs in the sun lounge … curtains drawn … listening for the starch wearing out on the matron’s top lip … when this doll appears at the door, takes a coupla hops into the room, then turns this cartwheel right down the middle of the two rows of deckchairs … lands on her pins … daraaaaa! Brilliant! I started to laugh and got a skelp on the nut. The matron was beeling …
Spanky About the skelp?
Phil About the doll’s cartwheel, stupid. Two old dears had to get carried up to their rooms with palpitations and a guy with a lavvy-brush moustache wet himself. It was the high spot of the holiday.
Spanky What was it got into her?
Phil Who knows? Maybe she woke up that morning and seen her face in the waxcloth … remembered something … ‘Christ, I’m alive!’ Everybody hated her after that.
Spanky Did you have much bother when they took your maw away last night?
Phil No … they gave her a jag to knock her out.
Spanky Eh?
Phil So they could sign her in as a ‘voluntary patient’.
Enter Curry carrying a paper pattern.
Curry Who is responsible for this? Eh? What one of you geniuses is responsible for this mess?
Spanky ’S not us that do them, Mr Cardew … ’s them out there with the collars an’ tie … we only grind the colour.
Curry That is precisely what you don’t do, Farrell… and don’t try and get smart with me … young upstart. Look at this paper … just look at it. Feel that … go on … feel it! ’S like bloody roughcast. Who ground these shades? Or should I say who didn’t grind them? This colour’s just been thrown onto a slab willy-nilly, whisked round a couple of times and dished … no damned gum, nothing! It’s a disgrace, that’s what it is. Mr Barton’s just blown his top out there. What do you bunch get up to in here, eh? It’s more like a rest home for retired beatniks than a Slab Room. Things were a damned sight different in my day, I can tell you. If we’d tried to get away with shoddy work like that we’d’ve been horsewhipped. Too well off, you lot. Twelve and six a fortnight and we thought ourselves lucky to be learning a trade …
Phil Oh … what trade was that, Mr Curry?
Curry Any more lip from you, McCann, and you’ll be up in front of Mr Barton’s desk before you can say ‘Axminster broadloom’.
Phil Oh …
Curry And that doesn’t just apply to you. I want to see some solid work being done in this department from now on … d’you hear? I’ve had nothing but complaints from that Design Room all week. Those people out there are getting pretty cheesed off with the abysmal standard of paint coming off those slabs. And what have I told you about smoking! (Takes out small pair of scissors and snips off the end of Phil’s cigarette.) Miss Walkinshaw came across two dog-ends in the rose pink yesterday … not just one … two! What’ve you got to say to that? Eh?
Spanky (sotto voce) They were meant to be in the emerald green.
Curry When Jack Hogg was in here this Slab Room used to be my pride and joy … never a word of complaint from the Design staff … place was like a new pin. Now what’ve we got? Bloody mayhem! Jimmy Robertson … out there … Jimmy Robertson showing Mr Barton a paper … contract Persian for Canada … held up the pattern … his bloody scrolls dropped off. No bloody gum! I want to see a very definite improvement. Okay? Now, get on with it … that colour cabinet outside’s half-empty …
Spanky It was half-full this morning …
Curry I want to see those slabs glowing red hot! Or there’ll be trouble … Big trouble. (Exits.)
Spanky D’you think that might’ve been a good moment to ask him for a desk, Phil?
Phil Yeh, you might’ve been lucky and got your jotters.
Enter Curry.
Curry What did you say was wrong with you this morning, McCann?
Phil Er … Christ … emm … severe diarrhoea … of the bot.
Curry If you think I’m swallowing that you’re very much mistaken, friend. You were spotted making your way through the gates at quarter past ten. Well?
Phil I had to … er … run down to the factory toilets. Ours were full up.
Spanky That’s right … Miss MacDonald made a mutton curry yesterday … even I had a touch of it …
Curry I’m putting in a report to Mr Barton and you, McCann, are at the top of my list. What little time you condescend to spend on these premises is not being utilised to the full … in other words you’re a shyster, laddie … get me? And you can wipe that smile off your face, Farrell, you’re on the report too …
Spanky What for … what’ve I done?
Curry Like your pal there, as little as you think you can get away with. Well, I’m not standing for it. That cabinet out there speaks for itself.
Phil Christ … talking furniture.
Spanky I’m not supposed to fill it myself … what about them? What about Hector? You’ve never said nothing to him.
Curry Yes, McKenzie … I’ll see you later … in my office. (Exits.)
Hector Thanks a bloody lot, Spanky! What’d you go and say that for? You’re a rotten big bastard, so you are.
Phil God, I wouldn’t like to be in your shoes, Heck … must be real serious. Yeh, Spanks, you must admit…
Spanky Shut your face. I’m buggered if I’m going to carry the can for the colour cabinet being empty.
Phil Half-empty … don’t exaggerate.
Spanky Half-empty, well … ’S not my job.
Phil But you didn’t have to …
Spanky Shut up, okay? That’s the last time I make excuses up for you.
Phil Nobody asked you to make excuses … I can look after myself.
Spanky What was up, you were late anyhow?
Phil I already told you!
Spanky Aw, yeh … your maw …
Phil Wasn’t just that. She hit the cop with the alarm clock.
Spanky They were there and all?
Phil They had a phone call from the manager of the Co about his windows. They knew where to come. ’S the third time.
Spanky She not like the Co-operative then?
Hector We get all our clothes from there.
Phil Something about a lovat suit our Jim got. When they got it home it had only one leg on the trousers … bastards wouldn’t exchange it. Said it was something to do with the nap of the cloth.
Spanky What did you do … amputate?
Phil Jimmucks just had to force both legs down the one trouser … gave him a kind of funny mince, that was the only thing …
Spanky Aw … I used to wonder about your Jim … that’s what it was?
Phil He would arrive home from the jigging … forty sailors in his wake …
Hector I had an Uncle Bertie that was in the Navy …
Spanky Here we go again. We know … he went down with his boat.
Hector Ship … the Royal Oak. He was only nineteen.
Spanky Nobody mentioned your Uncle Bertie, Heck.
Hector His photo’s on our mantelpiece …
Spanky We know, we know … he was your mother’s only brother … you’ve got his medals in the wardrobe and his clothes are on the wall, we know!
Hector It’s his clothes that’re in the wardrobe and his medals that’re …
Spanky In the bunker, we know … we weren’t implying nothing.
Hector Just don’t … he was my uncle.
Hector And he died for his country!
Spanky Aw, Christ.
Phil Okay, Hector … okay … I was only kidding about the sailors … honest … honest. (Slight pause.) It was forty Sea Scouts!
Hector You pair of stinking bastards! You’ve no regard for nothing! My uncle went straight onto battleships from the Sea Scouts …
Enter Sadie with tea trolley.
Sadie Tea’s up.
Hector … and he was wounded twice before he got killed.
Sadie Some nice wee fairy cakes the day. What’s up with yous? ’S that not terrible? Behave yourselves! Come on … tea’s up. And where’s my wean? Here, son, come and look what your mammy’s brung you. (Produces cream cookie.) That’s for being a good boy.
Howls from Phil and Spanky.
There’s only the one … the rest’s for the Board Room. I got Miss McDonald to put on an extra one for my baby. D’you like that, son?
Spanky Give’s a bit, Heck …
Hector Get off!
Phil You rotten sod …
Sadie Leave my beautiful wean alone, you pair of hooligans! You enjoying that, flower? That’s the stuff. Now … what’re yous two wanting … tea or coffee?
Spanky How come he gets special treatment, Sadie?
Phil Yeah, how come? Can me and Spanky not have one of them cookies?
Sadie I told you … they’re for the Board Room. There’s fairy cakes for yous.
Phil (taking fairy cake and banging it off side of trolley) Fairies been putting cement in them again? Give us a coffee.
Sadie Please. Where’s your manners? Your mothers would be ashamed of yous, so they would …
Enter Alan.
Spanky Ah … just in time for the chuck wagon, cowboy … slip out of them wet chaps and lasso yourself a wee fairy cake … mmm, mmm.
Alan I’ll take a tea, please.
Sadie See that? There’s a showing-up for yous … there’s what you cry manners. Help yourself to milk and sugar, son. Here, I haven’t seen you before … you in beside these boys?
Alan Er … just for the day, I think … Jack Hogg mentioned something about Bobby Sinclair …
Sadie Ha … you’ll be lucky … nobody’s seen him since VJ Night… (quietly) Try one of them wee scones and butter … there’s a knife next to your hand …
Phil Haw, Sadie, you never told us there was butter!
Spanky That’s not fair …
Sadie Shut it, yous. And you never put your monies in the tin … come on, threeha’pence for tea … fourpence for coffee … (to Phil) Fourpence, I said.
Sadie I’ve got plenty of coppers … (to Alan) When did you start, son?
Alan This morning.
Sadie Very nice. And what do they cry you?
Phil Agnes …
Alan Alan …
Spanky Dowdy …
Alan Downie … Alan Downie.
Sadie Ignore them, son. Look, I’ll try and keep you something nice for after dinnertime … wee Chelsea bun or that? I’ve got some cream cookies on this morning but they’re for the directors … couldn’t let you have one of them … ’s more than my life’s worth …
Alan No, I’m fine, thanks …
Sadie That boy could learn you savages a thing or two. You stick in, son … you’ll go places. Now … (Takes out book of tickets and purse.) … have yous all got your tickets for the Staff Dance the night?
Phil Christ, is it tonight? I thought it was next Friday.
Sadie (to Alan) He thought it was next Friday … Course it’s the night, glaikit… don’t you try that on with me, Phil McCann … I don’t see your name down here as paid … c’mon, stump up.
Phil Have a heart, Sadie, I gave you my last tanner. I’ll pay you next month. How’s that?
Sadie You’ll pay me after dinnertime or you’ll hand your ticket back. Yous boys get plenty. I’ll mark you down for this afternoon.
Phil Yeh … how would I not be?
Sadie You’ve got yours, Spanky … aye. What about you, Hector son? I don’t see your name down here. You giving it a miss this year?
Spanky Course he is … his legs would never reach the floor. (Places empty cup on trolley. Pinches cream cookies.)
Sadie D’you not want a ticket, darling?
Hector ’Much are they again?
Sadie Fifteen shillings single … twenty-five double …
Spanky passes a cookie to Phil.
Hector I’ll take a double.
Phil and Spanky freeze, cookies poised.
Sadie What?
Hector I said, I’ll take a double.
Sadie That’s what I thought you said, sweetheart … D’you want to pay me now or leave it till after?
Hector I’ve got the money here. (Brings out two one-pound notes.)
Sadie Did your mammy come up on the horses? Thanks, son … That’s your change. See and the both of yous have a lovely time. What about you, flower?
Alan Oh … I hadn’t thought about it …
Sadie Well, you always know who’s got the tickets. Is that all your cups? I better get a move on … them directors’ll be greeting if they don’t get their cream cookies. That’s just your money to get, Phil McCann … right? See yous after …
Alan holds door open.
Aw, thanks, son … you’re a gent.
Exits.
Phil Aw, Hector … you didn’t need to go that far. I know we were giving you the needle but you didn’t need to go and throw away twenty-five bob on a ticket just to get your own back. We never said your Uncle Bertie was like that … Doesn’t run in families anyhow …
Hector Not like lunacy …
Phil What?
Spanky He said he knows that, (to Hector) Watch it!
Hector Yous started it.
Phil Who’re you going with, anyhow? Anybody we know?
Spanky Yeh, c’mon, give us a clue, Heck. Is it a dame?
Phil Or is it her from the Post Desk with the face like a walnut?
Spanky C’mon, tell us …
Phil Yeh … who’s Miss X?
Hector Mind your own business.
Phil It’s Miss McDonald from the Canteen … right?
Spanky Yeh, you’re fond of her big cookies, aren’t you, kiddo?
Hector Shut your mug.
Phil Well, if it isn’t the lovely Miss Walnut …
Spanky And it isn’t Miss McDonald with the big cookies …
Phil Doesn’t leave much to choose from, does it? I think it’s a kid-on, what d’you say, Spanks? The Big KO?
Spanky Tell us, Hector … please. (Gets down on knees.) Please … (Grabs Hector’s coat tails.) We’re begging you.
He is joined by Phil.
Phil Put us out of our misery.
Hector Ach, stop acting the goat, will you? If you must know …
Phil and Spanky (together) Yes? Yes?
Hector It’s …
Phil and Spanky (together) Yes??
Hector (blurts out) It’s Lucille Bentley.
Spanky What??
Phil Who??
Spanky I don’t believe … Lucille … Lucille Bentley??
Phil Lucille would never consider going to the Staffie with you, Hector … you’re havering.
Spanky Lucille and …? Never! He’s flipped. Have you seen her, Alfie?
Phil She’s every Slab Boy’s dream …
Spanky And she wears these …
Phil Yeah …
Spanky When did you ask her, Heck?
Hector Well, er … I … er …
Phil Where did you get the patter, kiddo?
Phil And she said, yeh … just like that?
Hector Well, I haven’t actually … er …
Spanky God, our Hector and Lucille … phew …
Phil Our Hector …
Spanky And Lucille …
Hector God, I’m bursting! (Exits.)
Phil Wasn’t half hiding his light, eh, Spanks?
Spanky Couldn’t’ve been all he was hiding …
Phil Shhhhhh …
Lucille (sings off)
Once I had a secret love …
That lived within the heart of me …
All too soon that secret love …
Became impatient to be free … (Enters.)
What one of you greedy gannets’s been in at Miss Walkinshaw’s lunchpail? Her sandwiches are covered in yellow ochre and her orange is glued to her tomato. (to Alan) Hi. You know she’s got a caliper … (Crosses to sink with water jug.)
Spanky Looking forward to the dance, Lucille?
Lucille ’S there any of them dishrags about? Not the clatty ones …
Phil (producing rag) Ecco.
Spanky You’ve … er … just missed him.
Phil Lover boy.
Lucille Eh?
Spanky The pocket-size Casanova … he just went out.
Phil Wee guy… about this height. Give us a look at your shoe. (Lifts Lucille’s foot.) No … just wondering if you’d stood on him …
Lucille What’re yous talking about now? (to Alan) Honest to God, see when you come in here it’s like trying to find your way through the middle of Gene Vincent’s wardrobe with a glow-worm on the end of a stick, (to Phil) Quit talking in riddles. If you’ve something to say, spit it out. Who is it you’re on about?
Phil Hector.
Lucille So?
Spanky So … you’ve just missed him. Just letting you know.
Lucille Yeh, thanks. Is that supposed to be significant or am I just being thick?
Phil Thought you might’ve wanted to brush up your foxtrot …
Spanky Fan down your dangoes …
Lucille (to Alan) Can you translate all that?
Alan I think they’re meaning about you and Hector going to the Staff Dance.
Lucille What? Me and who?
Alan Hector.
Lucille Hector?? Going to the what?? Who’s been giving you that guff? What would I be doing going to the …
Phil You mean he hasn’t …
Spanky The little …
Lucille It’s the Staff Dance, not the Teddy Bears’ Picnic! You mean, somebody actually said I was going with …
Spanky Hector. Yeh … somebody actually said.
Lucille What a bloody insult! I’ve seen better hanging from a Christmas tree! Hector! Don’t make me laugh! (to Alan) Mind and circulate. Sketching Department’s straight through … you can’t miss it. (Exits.)
Phil A right pair of chookies we looked!
Spanky Wait till I get a hold of that wee …
Phil He’s for it!
Spanky I’ll strangle him!
Enter Hector.
Aw, here it comes … Prince Charming.
Phil You shall go to the ball, Lucille.
Spanky What was all that mouthwash about you asking her to the Staffie, you little toley?
Phil You had him and me believing you, you … She’s just been in here.
Hector You never gave us a chance to explain …
Spanky What’s to explain? You led us to believe that you and her were cutting a rug tonight …
Phil Tripping the light fantastic …
Hector I only meant I was going to ask her …
Phil He was going to ask her …
Alan That’s what I thought he meant … that he was going to ask her …
Spanky Who cares what you thought, sonny boy? You just stand there, and model that blazer!
Hector I didn’t actually say I had asked her …
Phil You certainly gave me and Spanks the impression that you had …
Spanky And that she was champing at the bit to go.
Phil She had to ask Fancypants there what one of us was Hector …
Hector That doesn’t say much for yous either.
Spanky It struck a wrong chord with me at the time … that a doll like Lucille would want to partner you to the dance… I mean to say, look at you.
Hector What’s wrong with me!
Phil Everything’s wrong with you. Look at the state of the clothes for a start.
Hector There’s nothing up with my clothes.
Spanky There’s nothing up with my clothes. You must be joking. I’ve seen more up-to-date clothes on a garden gnome. You’re a mess, Heck.
Phil Them duds of yours is twenty years behind the times, kid. You never stood a chance of getting Lucille to the Staffie.
Spanky Dames like her only go for a guy with style … style, that’s what counts …
Alan Don’t let them bully you. Your clothes are perfectly all right.
Spanky You throwing your voice, Phil?
Spanky and Phil start searching in pockets, cupboards, etc.
Alan Okay, you’ve had your joke …
Phil Aha … I’ve found where the voice is coming from, Spanks …
Spanky Aw … Creepybreeks here. And what d’you know about clothes, eh? Look at the trousers …
Phil And take a gander at the footwear …
Spanky Aaaargh! What’s that on your feet, kid?
Alan What’s wrong with brogues?
Phil You don’t really want me to tell you, do you?
Alan Go ahead.
Phil Well, they’re full of holes for a start.
Spanky And they look stupid.
Alan They’re better than those efforts you’re wearing …
Spanky D’you hear that, Phil?
Phil Good Christ, man, that’s the very boot that conquered Everest.
Spanky I thought the sole was wearing a bit thin …
Phil The Dermot Walsh All-British Bubble Boot endorsed by medical men the world over has to be one of the most stylish items of manly footgear on the market and you’re comparing them to a stupid-looking pair of brogues?
Spanky You and Hector’s just the same … a pair of tubes.
Phil Take it from us, you guys … yous’ll never get a lumber …
Spanky … without this gadgey number …
Phil It’s the finest little boot in all the land … What is it?
Spanky and Phil The Finest Little Boot In All The Land – taraaaa!
Enter Jack Hogg.
Jack Would you lot care to put a cork in the glee club? Miss Walkinshaw’s migraine. Thanks. Sorry, Alan, must’ve taken a wrong turning at the spindle shed … find your way back up all right? Listen, I think I’ve tracked down Bobby Sindair … he’s in the Lab, if you’d like to …
Alan Yeh, I would …
Jack Good. You two clowns better watch out. The boss’s on the prowl. I’ve just seen him have a shufti in the colour cabinet … bloody thing’s empty …
Spanky Half-empty … don’t exaggerate.
Jack Half-empty, then. Jimmy Robertson’s going to be yelling for some crimson lake shortly. Miss Walkinshaw’s just upended an entire dish of it over that Alpine Floral she’s been working on. (to Alan) You want to see it … what a mess. Six months’ work down the toilet. You can have a swatch on the way past. (to Spanky and Phil) So, that’s crimson lake, magenta, olive, cobalt blue, Persian red, raw sienna, cadmium yellow, rose pink, French ultramarine, violet and Hooker’s green … okay? This way, Alan …
Exeunt.
Phil Did you get all that, Hector?
Hector What came after magenta?
Spanky Have you got your dinner suit for tonight, Phil?
Phil No … I thought I’d go in my old man’s dungarees and muffler. Course I’ve got my dinner suit. Jackson’s. Want to get a load of this. White jacket … Yankee … fingertip drape … roll collar … swivel button … full back … sharkskin. Black strides … fourteens … flying seams … razor press … half-inch turnups …
Hector He did say say Persian red, didn’t he?
Spanky ’Much is that setting you back?
Phil Twenty-five and six. Option to buy. Jacket’s two quid … trousers, five bob. What’re you doing, Heck?
Spanky Five bob?
Phil Yeh … guy knocked a half-note off them. You can still see the stitches where the truncheon pocket was. You’ll do yourself a mischief, Hecky boy …
Spanky I’m getting mine from Caledonian Tailors … ‘Executive Rental’. Pick it up at six. Guy’s waiting on three dozen return from the Orange Lodge in Castle Street. Hoping he’s got something to fit me … it’s my arms, you see. They’re three and a half inches longer than my legs … or so the Caledonian Tailor guy says. It was him that measured us up. Hard to believe, isn’t it?
Phil Not really.
Hector Hey, did you really mean that about … style? Clothes and all that stuff. No … come on … kidding aside …
Phil Course we meant it, kid. You’ll never get nowhere with those who wear the lumpy jerseys unless you’re up to scratch sartorially … style-wise. I mean, what doll’s going to take a guy seriously in that outfit and with a head like that, Heck?
Hector I can’t help the way my hair grows …
Spanky That’s where you’re wrong, son. Mr McCann … (Produces large pair of carpet shears.) And don’t worry about the clobber … we’ll organise the alterations …
Hector What alterations? No, I only meant …
Phil You want to go to the Staffie with Lucille, don’t you?
Hector I wouldn’t mind, but …
Spanky Then leave it to me and Phil. The togs is no problem. His Auntie Fay was a tailoress …
Phil … in the Dolls’ Hospital. This way, Hector. (Throws Hector over his shoulder.)
Hector Hey, wait a minute!
Spanky (holding door open) If you need to give him a friction, Jimmy Robertson’s got a lighter …
Hector You bastard!
Phil To the lavvies!
Exeunt. Hector’s pleas fade off down the corridor. Spanky stands for a moment … then starts going over the list of colours in his head.
Spanky Crimson lake, magenta, olive, cobalt blue, Persian red, raw sienna, cadmium yellow, rose pink, French ultramarine, violet and Hooker’s green …
Starts working quickly and methodically. Pause.
Jack (off) Sorry about that bum steer, Alan … thought I had him pinned down for sure that time … Trouble is that nobody else knows as much about the bloody biz as he does …
He and Alan enter.
Jack Aha … all on your ownio, Georgie? What … nobody pulling the strings? Thought Alan here might come back and do another spot in the Slab …
Spanky The floor’s just been mopped.
Jack I’ll leave you to it, Alan. Don’t take any snash from these guys, (to Spanky) Look, why don’t you go through the entire process from the top, Farrell?
Spanky I’m busy, Jack.
Jack Source materials … pigmentation … texture … density … all that sort of guff … fugitive colours … wrist technique. See the way he’s handling that knife, Alan? Strain some gum … that’s always gripping. (to Alan) I’d love to show you myself but the boss has just hit me with a half-drop for Holland. Any problems give me a shout … okay? Okay, Farrell? Ciao. (Exits.)
Spanky works on. Alan watches. Silence.
Spanky Okay, okay … you get the stuff, pap it on the slab, water, gum, bingo … you grind away till you feel like a smoke.
Alan And that’s it?
Spanky That is it.
Alan Fugitive colours … all that stuff?
Spanky Listen, kiddo, the only fugitive colours we’ve ever had in here was Coronation Year … nineteen fifty-three. Six drums of red, white and blue went missing. There … you can use Phil’s slab …
Alan What about texture …? Density …?
Spanky Texture … seldom varies. Rough … that goes for the lot. Smoothest colour we ever had delivered was a poke of mahogany lake … lumps the size of Jacky Boy’s plooks. Hughie Maxwell broke a wrist grinding a pot this big for Bobby Sinclair … him and his wife were going to the Baptists’ Christmas Ball as Amos ’n’ Andy.
Alan Density?
Spanky Doesn’t matter a bugger as long as it doesn’t run off the paper onto their cavalry twills. Best to err this side of the concrete scale. Fling us up that daud of muslin … I’ll strain some more gum.
Alan works away while Spanky prepares the gum.
Alan Phew … goes for the wrists …
Spanky Don’t worry, kiddo … by the time five o’clock comes you’ll have arms like Popeye. No, no … too high up the shank … (Adjusts Alan’s grip.) That’s better …
Alan Yeh … How long have you been in here?
Spanky Too long, kiddo. Be three years this Christmas.
Alan That’s quite normal, is it?
Spanky Nothing’s normal in this joint, son. If you mean is that average …? (Shrugs.) Jack Hogg was four … Gavin Dyer, two … Hughie Maxwell, six months … who knows? Depends if they take to your features … how many desks are free … how the boss is feeling … what the Berlin situation’s like …
Alan How long’s your pal done?
Spanky Phil? Year and a bit. Stayed on at school … to get his Highers …
Alan And did he?
Spanky No … jacked it in. Got sent down for smacking the French teacher in the mouth with a German biscuit.
Alan What’d he do that for?
Spanky What does Phil do anything for? Laughs, of course.
Alan You mean he’s nuts …
Spanky We’re all nuts, kiddo.
Alan Look, going to cut calling me ‘kiddo’? It gets really annoying …
Spanky Sure, sure … anything you say … kiddo.
Alan Is this about ready to dish, d’you think?
Spanky What d’you think?
Alan I’m asking you …
Spanky That’s one thing you’ll learn in here, Archie … don’t ask nobody nothing. It’s up to you.
Alan I think I’ll dish it … or maybe I’ll give it a bit more … no, I’ll dish it, I reckon. (He does so.)
Spanky (waiting till he’s finished) Enough gum in it?
Alan Gum? Oh, Christ …
Pours it back onto slab. Accepts dish of gum from Spanky. Keeps an eye on Spanky as he adds it to paint.
I thought you might be able to add it once it was dished …
Spanky You can.
Enter Curry.
Curry Where’s McKenzie?
Spanky Oh … er … Phil had another attack and Hector had to go with him.
Curry An attack of what, for God’s sake? Not bloody conscience, I trust… Oh, no … not the loose stools again?
Spanky No … diarrhoea. Hector had to give him a coalie-back down the stairs.
Curry Yes, very good, Farrell. You’re not too big for a clip round the ear, you know. Give me out a large sheet of paper …
Spanky produces a tatty, crumpled sheet.
Is this what you call a large sheet?
Spanky ’S all we’ve got.
Curry Alan, nip out and ask Mr Robertson for a large sheet of drafting paper … oh, and some willow charcoal and a chamois … on you go, look sharp.
Alan Which one’s Mr Robertson?
Curry Nylon overall, briar pipe …
Spanky ’S that not Miss Walkinshaw? Sorry.
Exit Alan.
Curry Have we got any tracing paper in here?
Spanky Tracing paper?
Curry Tracing paper.
Spanky For tracing?
Curry Just so.
Spanky No.
Curry What happened to that roll Mr Barton left?
Spanky There’s no trace of it.
Curry Steady, Curry. How’s that gum coming along, Farrell? I take it that is gum you’re making?
Spanky Yeh … there was an awful lot of straw in that last lot of crystals so …
Spanky Eh?
Curry Dung … camel droppings … let’s have a look … Yes … we used to burn a lot of this stuff under our billies out East …
Spanky Billies?
Curry Billy cans. You were never in the Scouts, were you? No … Yes, many’s the night we sat hunkered over the old camel-dung bonfire after a hard day’s trek across the dunes …
Spanky In the Scouts?
Curry In the desert, Farrell. A fountain of bright sparks winging into the velvet sky… Some of the lads would hitch up their kilts and get their ukeleles out …
Spanky Dirty pigs.
Curry … we’d have a sing-song. Yes, those were days. (Hums ‘We’ll Meet Again’.) Here, what’s all this business about McCann’s mother? D’you know anything about it, Farrell? Miss Walkinshaw’s got a brother-in-law … shop manager in some housing scheme … and he was telling her about a carry-on last night. McCann’s mother was involved, seemingly. Darkwood Crescent, they stay, isn’t it?
Spanky Er … no … I think they’ve moved from there now. They live in Foxbar ’s far as I know. (inadvertently giving the game away) Couldn’t’ve been Phil’s maw that broke the windows … must’ve been some other …
Curry Thank you, Farrell.
Spanky … loony.
Enter Alan with sheet of paper.
Curry Well done, lad. Have we got something to lean on?
Alan looks around, spots Phil’s folio, hands it to Curry.
Thanks. Now, let’s run over some pointers with you. You too, Farrell … you might learn something.
Spanky I’m trying to mix up some gum.
Curry Leave the gum for the time being and gather round.
Spanky You’ve showed us all that before.
Curry You’re never too long in the tooth to learn how to execute a floral, Farrell. I’ll show you again, won’t I? Charcoal …?
Alan holds out a tiny stick.
Is that all he had?
Alan No, he was going to give me the whole box but when I said who it was for … and a chamois.
Holds out tattered rag.
Curry (taking rag between finger and thumb) I find it difficult to picture this ever making its way sure-footedly up the treacherous slopes of the Matterhorn, but still …
Lucille pops her head round the door.
Lucille Telephone, Mr Curry.
Curry Hell!
Lucille Trunk call from Troon. (Exits.)
Curry Don’t go away, Alan, I’ll be right back. Who is it, Lucille? (Exits.)
Alan turns over the folio … idly looks inside.
Alan (taking out drawings) Hey, these aren’t yours, are they?
Spanky No, they must be Phil’s … ho, put them back. If he catches you going through his stuff he’ll break your jaw.
Alan I’m not touching them. Hey, some of these are not bad … look at this one …
Spanky I’m telling you, Alec … (Crosses to have a look.) God, they are good, aren’t they? There’s one of Elvis … ’s dead like him, isn’t it? Right … shut the folder or I’ll get the blame. I get the blame for everything round here …
Alan Hey … how about that red chalk drawing?
Spanky That’s his old man … I recognise the ears … like Dumbo. And there’s one of his maw. Christ, you can tell, can’t you?
Alan Tell what?
Spanky Nothing … tell it’s his mother. Shut that folder, I said.
Alan Look at the way he’s done those hands. Whenever I have a bash at hands they turn out looking like fankled pipe-cleaners …
Spanky Which is exactly how your features are going to look if Phil comes back. Get that shut … I’m not telling you again.
Alan I wonder how he got that effect?
Spanky What effect?
Alan There – the way he’s got the nose coming forward from the head …
Spanky Mines comes forward …
Alan Some of these are quite accomplished …
Spanky Aw … quite accomplished, are they? And what d’you know about it?
Alan Not a great deal, but anyone can see they’re rather good. He’s wasting his time in here …
Spanky Yeh, you have a word with him, kiddo … I’m sure he’ll appreciate it. Now for the last time, are you going to shut that folder or …
Enter Curry.
Curry I’ve just been having a natter with your dad, Alan …
Alan Oh … (Tries to gather up drawings.)
Curry On the phone. You never let on Bob Downie was your father … eh? Godstruth, see you young fellows … Chief Designer at Templars …? I’d’ve been as proud as punch … Hello, what’s this? Some of your artwork? Let’s have a butcher’s …
Alan No, these aren’t …
Curry Tch, tch, tch, tch … a chip off the old block, eh?
Alan I’m afraid they aren’t.
Curry A right talented pair of buggers … I remember when Bob Downie used to work here he was always …
Alan These aren’t mine, Mr Curry.
Curry What?
Spanky Yeh, they’re not his.
Alan I was just …
Curry Who belongs to them, then? They aren’t yours Farrell, that’s for sure. You’ve got trouble trying to draw water from that tap over there …
Alan They were just lying around …
Curry And they can’t be Hector’s. Too bold for him …
Alan I think they must be …
Curry (interrupting him) You’re not going to tell me they’re McCann’s. What’s this… (Turns drawing over.) That’s the Art School stamp, isn’t it? Jimmy Robertson and I used to go up to Saturday morning classes together … (Reads.) ‘Glasgow School of Art … First-Year Entrance Exam … Nineteen Fifty-Sev …’ What??
Spanky Eh?
Curry Whose are these?? Come on …
Spanky How should I know?
Curry (finding label on front of folder)‘P. J. McCann, 19 Darkwood Crescent, Ferguslie Park …’ So that’s what the loafer’s been up to. A flyman, eh? Well, we’ll soon see about this … Farrell!
Spanky What?
Curry Away down to the ablutions and fetch that crony of yours up here.
Spanky I’ll need to wash my hands first.
Curry Get a move on! Tell him to drag that miserable carcase of his up those flaming stairs. You and McKenzie can take an arm and a leg each if he can’t manage.
Spanky And just leave the rest of his body down there?
Curry Get those mitts washed! Bloody corner boy. Now, Alan, where were we? Ah, yes … now, I’m going to rough in a few roses here. I dare say your dad’s covered some of this ground with you … still, no harm in seeing it again, eh? I showed Bob Downie a few tricks while he was with us. Expect he told you, eh? Now, what’s the first … Farrell, will you gee yourself up a bit! You’d think it was a damned bath you were having! Right, Alan … what’s the first thing we do when we’re starting a charcoal sketch?
Spanky Get a bit of charcoal.
Curry That’s right … get the old wrist moving. Make sure it’s good and supple before committing yourself to paper. Put those two fingers just there and you’ll see what I mean. (Places Alan’s fingers in his wrist, waggles his hand to and fro.) Feel?
Alan Yes …
Enter Phil. He is carrying a bundle of clothing which he hurriedly throws into a corner.
Phil Sorry, I can see you’re busy … call again tomorrow.
Curry Get you in here, McCann. Bowels back to normal, are they?
Phil Eh? Oh … er … yeh …
Curry Good. Perhaps you can enlighten us a little? (Produces portfolio.)
Phil Hey, what’re you doing with them drawings? That’s private!
Curry There’s nothing ‘private’ in here, chum. ‘Glasgow School of Art Entrance Exam …’ Well?
Phil You’ve no right …
Curry Aha … not so … not so, lad. By the terms of your indentures ..
Phil My what?
Curry Your indentures … that’s what you signed when you started here …
Phil I never signed nothing! And even if I had that doesn’t give you the right to go through my stuff. That portfolio’s mine, I collected it this morning.
Curry So that’s why you were more than an hour late. That diarrhoea business was just a red herring …
Phil Wasn’t me that told you about the diarrhoea … it was him.
Spanky You bastard!
Curry But you went along with it, McCann … oh, yes, you certainly went along with it. Thought you had me fooled, eh? Oh, no … I smelled a rat right away. So you were up collecting this little lot, were you? Now, don’t for a moment think I’m accusing you of being in the least underhand but don’t you think it might have been prudent to seek permission before …
Phil You must be joking! Whose permission do I need? Yours?
Curry Or Mr Barton’s.
Phil Away to …
Curry Watch it, boy, remember who you’re speaking to! Any more of that and …
Enter Jack Hogg.
Jack ’Scuse me interrupting, Mr Curry, but you’re wanted in Mr Barton’s office.
Curry What?
Jack Right away.
Curry Right. (Heads for door. Stops.) Right! (Exits.)
Phil The little …! Did you hear it? His permission? His bloody …?
Spanky You didn’t need to shop us like that, did you?
Phil What?
Spanky I was only trying to stop you getting into trouble. Some thanks I get.
Phil What’re you talking about?
Spanky The dia-bloody-rrhoea. ‘It was him.’ Thanks a bloody lot!
Phil That isn’t important. Did you hear what that little keech was saying about me going to Art School?
Jack So that’s what all the racket was about?
Phil Yeh … Curry was making out I was being devious ’cos I wanted to get out of here …
Spanky Well, I never knew nothing about it either.
Phil I don’t have to tell you everything, do I?
Spanky You told us about your maw … (Pause.)
Jack It’s a pretty tough entrance exam, you know. I’ve tried it …
Phil Who asked you? You can’t even get the tin trunks off a chocolate soldier, Jack.
Jack Hey … wait a minute …
Spanky Yeh, the boy was only saying …
Phil I knew you’d turn on us, ya whore! I bet you it was you showed Hitler my folio.
Spanky It was not!
Alan It was me, if you must know, and I didn’t do it deliberately …
Spanky I warned him to leave it alone … didn’t I, Archie?
Jack I don’t see what all the fuss is about anyway. Time enough when the results come out. I’ve got a friend sat the exam and she says you don’t hear till next month … you get notified by post …
Phil Bully for her. Well, I’ll be hearing sooner than that, Jacky Boy … in fact, I’ll know by this afternoon … so there.
Spanky How come? If Jack’s china doesn’t get word till …
Phil Doll in the Art School said she’d give us a ring … gave her the number …
Spanky This number?
Phil Used a bit of the old charm …
Spanky Don’t see Willie passing on any messages. Doesn’t let any of us get personal calls unless it’s a matter of life and death …
Phil Told her to say it was the hospital…
Jack That’s a bit off. Other people have to wait on their letters …
Phil I’m not other people, Jack.
Jack How about that, Alan?
Phil (to Alan) You open your mouth and your head’s going down it!
Jack Hey … hey …
Phil Piss off, Pimple Chops … away back to your desk and fester.
Alan It’s all right, Jack …
Jack It’s just as well for you I’m on a rush job, McCann. (Exits.)
Alan All he was saying was it’s a difficult exam …
Spanky There’s that voice again …
Phil Difficult? It was a Cakewalk, kiddo. All this dame has to do is pick up the phone … give us the nod.
Alan I hope you’re right … (Exits.)
Phil Of course I’m right!
Spanky It’ll blow over, Phil … you know what Curry’s like …
Enter Curry.
Curry Did McKenzie come up with you, McCann? (to Spanky) Did McKenzie come up with him?
Spanky shrugs.
Well, tell him to come to my office the moment he appears. (Exits.)
Spanky See? It’s Hector he’s got it in for … not you. You and me gets off light compared to Heck. That’s the second time he’s asked to see him today.
Phil What d’you think? His cards?
Spanky What d’you think?
Phil Where is he, anyhow?
Spanky Who?
Phil Hector.
Spanky Thought he was down the bog along with you?
Phil Yeh … but he managed to get free.
Spanky Free?
Phil I had him tied to a radiator but he must’ve chewed through the ropes while I was having a …
Spanky You mean he’s wandering about without a stitch?
Phil He’s got his simmit on … that didn’t need restyling.
Spanky He’ll get bloody frostbite, ya swine. How could you do that to him?
Phil It was your idea and all, don’t forget.
Spanky How’re we going to find him?
Phil Easy. Follow the trail of blood.
Spanky Blood? You never beat him up as well, ya pig!
Phil I gave his ear a nick with the shears while I was trimming his hair …
Spanky You’re a bloody sadist, Phil.
Phil I was trying to get the boy a date with Lucille.
Spanky Yeh … some chance he’s got now. Who’d want to go to the Staffie with a one-eared, baldy-headed midget in a blood-stained simmit! No, come on, Phil … we better do something.
Phil We’ll do what we were going to do in the first place … get his clothes restyled.
Spanky D’you think that’s wise?
Phil Listen, you know how much this means to Heck … getting a date with Lucille. I mean, to you and me she’s just a bit of stuff …
Spanky Some bit of stuff …
Phil Yeh, but to Hector she is ‘It’ … the Real Thing … the Empire State … Niagara Falls …
Spanky The thruppenny in the dumpling.
Phil Exactly. It’s the least we can do. What’re you laughing at, ya dog? You don’t reckon Heck’s sophisticated enough to get his loins in a fankle over a dame? (Holds up Hector’s shirt.) What d’you think … a Billy Eckstein … or a Dennis Lotis?
Spanky What about an Eve Boswell?
Phil It would mean a pretty drastic job with the shears.
Spanky Yeh, best just stick to altering the togs.
Enter Alan. Lunchtime hooter sounds.
Spanky Hurrraaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Phil Last one down the canteen’s a Designer!
Exeunt. Alan is left standing in the middle of the room. Then he too exits.
Curtain.