Hawkhead Cemetery, Paisley. Winter 1967. Morning. Phil McCann and Spanky Farrell standing among the gravestones.
Phil Look at all this junk. If they broke it all up into chuckies you could have a gravel path from here to Death Valley and back.
Spanky Christ, I feel hellish …
Phil Did you drive up this morning?
Spanky Got the train. Somebody showed us the paper after the gig.
Phil Where are you, anyhow?
Spanky The Barracuda … Herne Bay. Four nights. It’s murder. Christ … sorry. No, it’s not all that hot … bugger! Did you see much of the boy recently?
Phil Just the tail end of his coffin disappearing into the furnace …
Spanky I don’t feel too well …
Phil Put your head between your shoulder blades and say a good Act of Contrition.
Spanky I had to sit up all night in the guard’s van with a battalion of the Black Watch singing every number in the Top Twenty from nineteen fifty-seven … It was agony. You don’t have a drink on you, do you? God, I can still see that coffin. Did his old dear make it, d’you know?
Phil No … Co-operative joiners, I think.
Spanky Did his old dear make it to the crematorium, I’m asking?
Phil Aw … No … didn’t see her. Too upset, I would imagine. Not every day your only child gets battered to death.
Spanky Hellish, eh? Wonder what got into the guy?
Phil Christ knows …
Spanky What was it he used again?
Phil A brick.
Spanky Jesus … Did you get to have a look?
Phil No, they took it away wrapped in a towel, I’m told. It was just an ordinary household brick … nothing special about it …
Spanky A look at the boy.
Phil How would I get to look at the boy? He was coming from the police mortuary, wasn’t he?
Spanky I wonder if he was wearing his specs? I’m just trying to remember what he looks like without them …
Phil Do they not incinerate all that sort of stuff separately? Walking frames … artificial limbs … specs … Yeh, I’m pretty certain they do. ‘There you go, Mrs McKenzie … you’ll find the remains of his personal effects in this envelope and his ashes in this one. Mind, they’re still hot. You got them? So, that’s his ashes in this one … no, hold on … his ashes are in that one and …’
Spanky Did they know each other, d’you know?
Spanky The boy and –
Phil The brickie? No … I don’t think they were pals or anything …
Spanky A knife you can understand – a hatchet even – but what was this guy doing with a brick at the swimming baths?
Phil They weren’t in the swimming …
Spanky No?
Phil They were in a changing cubicle.
Spanky Together? What were they up to in there? Christ, there’s hardly room in one of those joints to swing a …
Phil Well, apparently there is … just.
Spanky Jesus …
Phil Papers described it as a crime passionel …
Spanky Yeh, I seen that …
Phil Not, of course, to be confused with a ‘cream tea’ … though, funnily enough, the pair of them were spotted beforehand having a cosy tête-à-tête over a rock cake and warm Tizer in the City Bakeries across the road from the Baths …
Spanky Thought you said they never knew one another?
Phil They didn’t.
Spanky But you’re just after …
Phil Aaahh … No, no … they only ‘knew’ one another in the Biblical sense.
Phil Right. Pair of them went round the doors flogging gospel tracts for some Yankee evangelist outfit.
Spanky Eh?
Phil Neo-Baptist Non-Conformist Mormons with a toe in the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ pond, from what I can gather. It was all he could get after he got out of hospital the second time round …
Spanky He was back inside? Jeez … I never knew that.
Phil They didn’t seem all that concerned at him being a head case. In fact, it suited their books. Two cents commission on every pamphlet sold plus half a dollar if the client further invested in one of their tie-dye patchwork evocations of Holman Hunt’s The Light of the World in pre-shrunk faded denim.
Spanky He should’ve stuck to his Designer’s desk … I don’t know how many times I said that to him. He even got to be a dab hand at them cabbage roses you and me always used to make a pig’s arse of … just before I chucked it. Done a beautiful one-off Axminster floral for the boss’s anniversary present that Jimmy Robertson only had to touch up a bit round the borders. Jesus, I never knew he went back into the bin …
Phil Yeh … I had a chat with him through the bars when I was up with a box of New Berry Fruits for my old dear … oh … must be about three years ago. I was off down to London with the rejects from my Diploma Show. No idea who I was. Didn’t look a well boy at all. Head was shaved into the wood and he had on this boiler suit effort that looked as though it had once belonged to Muffin the Mule. He gave us a lend of the belt to hold my canvases together … Bastard snapped at Scotch Corner and I lost two of my best life paintings off the roof rack …
Spanky I never knew he went back in the bin …
Phil I reckon it was Lucille getting hitched that tipped him over the edge finally …
Spanky What?
Phil Lucille … getting married. You know what he was like about her … Bananas is not the word.
Spanky Yeh …
Pause.
Phil How is she, by the way?
Spanky Aw … fine.
Phil And the kids?
Spanky Kid. We’ve only got the one.
Phil Aw, yeh … sorry. (Slight pause.) Pity Lucille couldn’t’ve been here today.
Spanky Jack it in, eh?
Phil Yeh, that was what done for him mental health-wise, if you ask me … Lucille getting spliced.
Spanky Nobody’s asking you.
Phil You know how he used to sit and drool through the Slab Room windows at her …
Spanky Chuck it!
Phil As she sat there at her Sketcher’s desk slowly crossing the gams and toying with her Number Three sable …
Spanky Chuck it, I said! Lucille had absolutely nothing to do with the boy going haywire. He was heading that road anyhow … especially after all thon stuff we done to him … no, no – correction – all the stuff you done to him.
Phil Me?
Spanky Well, it certainly wasn’t yours truly that dipped his noggin into the drum of Mahogany Lake, glued up his eyeball with gum arabic and sent him out into the Design Room to ask Miss Walkinshaw if she fancied going down the canteen for some black-eyed bagels with Sammy Davis Junior …
Phil Who was it then?
Spanky And what about that time you stapled his shirt and pullover to the waistband of his pantaloons and fed him a cake of chocolate laxative from a Five Boys wrapper?
Phil God, I’d forgotten about that …
Spanky Or the Staff Dance where you got him to stick a bayonet through his wrist?
Phil That was me, was it?
Spanky Jesus God, Lucille did everything she could to help the guy … we all did. She even went up to visit him once or twice. No … twice … I remember. Her and old Walkinshaw. For all the bloody thanks she got. It wasn’t her fault he went ape. Christ Almighty, she was even going to invite him to the bloody wedding.
Phil That was the two of us missed it, then?
Spanky What?
Phil Me and Hector.
Spanky You were in London! (Pause.)
Phil When d’you go back down to …?
Spanky Herne Bay. This morning. Depends if there’s a sleeper.
Phil Then where to?
Spanky All over the bloody shop – Sunderland, Skegness, Leamington Spa, Huddersfield … then it’s the American bases again. God …
Phil Lucille still travel about with you?
Spanky No.
Phil The kid! Yeah … You never think of moving from Paisley?
Spanky Never think of anything else.
Phil Lucille … yeah?
Spanky Her old lady’s here. Looks after the kid sometimes.
Phil What age is he now?
Spanky She. It’s a girl.
Phil Aw … better luck next time.
Spanky She’ll be three in November … what d’you mean, better luck next time?
Phil Not me … it was you that always said you wanted a boy.
Spanky What?
Phil If you ever got married you wanted a boy. I don’t think you realised in those far-off days that it’s quite possible to beget without necessarily tying the knot.
Spanky Pardon me if I don’t give myself a double rupture. When did I ever say that? I don’t remember saying I wanted a boy …
Phil Course you did. The night you and me got pissed at Jack Hogg’s farewell party. Christ, you must remember Plooky Jack’s farewell party … I was in first year at the Art School and you were taking over Jacky Boy’s desk. It was in a back room at The Jolly Beggars …
Spanky The desk?
Phil The party … quit acting it. Hector was there. You must remember Heck being there. It was him that brought up The Jordanaires… along with a plate of fish and two pokey hats virtually intact. You were going to call this future son of yours after one of them …
Spanky Yeh, ‘Pokey Hat’ Farrell sounds terrific, I must say.
Phil One of The Jordanaires, ya clown.
Spanky I don’t remember that …
Phil They were on that Elvis album Hector brung along – the one he got for his Christmas that year …
Spanky What Elvis album?
Phil The one you were using as a drinks tray.
Spanky Aw, is that what that was?
Phil Then after we got papped out of The Jollys, you, me, and Heck went back up to Jacky Boy’s place and he had all these autographed photos sellotaped to his furniture … d’you remember now? There was Brenda Lee on the tallboy, Buddy Knox and Frankie Avalon atop the sideboard, Jo Stafford inside the wardrobe, and …
Spanky There’s bits of it coming back to me … yeh … Aw, God … (He is feeling a bit queasy.)
Phil Wait a minute … was one of them not supposed to be the wee guy’s second cousin or something? Hector … One of The Jordanaires …?
Spanky So he kept saying. You didn’t believe him, did you?
Phil I don’t know so much. It was Heck got them to sign Jack Hogg’s lavatory seat … up at the Odeon. They came across one time sans Elvis for a religious concert …
Spanky It might’ve been true … he wasn’t a bad singer, right enough … Heck. When we let him join in, that is. Sorry … when I let him join in. You were forever thumping the back of his neck with the gumspoon …
Phil What was it we used to sing again? Christ, it’s that long ago now …
Spanky (sings) Your eyes are the eyes of a woman in love …
Phil That’s the one!
Together And, oh … how they give you away … Your eyes are the eyes of a woman in …
Phil Sssssssshhh. Listen.
Spanky What?
Phil Shhh. (Pause.) Quiet, isn’t it?
Spanky Ya bastard. You had the hairs on the back of my collar going there. God, it’s funny though …
Phil Not half as funny as when the three of us sang it.
Spanky No – about the wee guy being away for good …
Phil Jack it in, eh?
Spanky We’ll never see him again …
Phil We could still make the charts with just the two of us. Aw, come on … you’re not going to start bubbling, kiddo …
Spanky Hah … nobody’s called me that in ten years.
Phil What, ‘kiddo’? I should hope not … you’re hitting thirty, for God’s sake.
Spanky I’m twenty-nine.
Phil Twenty-nine is hitting thirty, Spanky son.
Spanky Christ, there’s something else … nobody’s called us that either. When you packed in Stobo’s everybody went back to calling us George … even Hector dropped the ‘Spanky’ bit …
Phil Quite right. There’s something not quite kosher about grown men with nicknames.
Spanky But I wasn’t a grown man … I was nineteen, a boy. It was such an abrupt change … One day I’m Spanky, the next I’m George. It was a shock to the system, Phil.
Phil You’ll get over it, George.
Spanky Cut it out …
Phil What does Lucille call you?
Spanky Depends what I call her first, doesn’t it?
Slight pause.
God, twenty-nine … Doesn’t half fly in, eh?
Phil What’s twenty-nine?
Spanky Old.
Phil Not for getting murdered …
Spanky Yeh, but in my line … I promised Lucille I’d have a Number One before I hit twenty-two … then it was twenty-five … then twenty-seven … and now it’s thirty’s the deadline …
Phil Think you’ll manage it?
Spanky I’ve got till the end of the month.
Phil All the best …
Spanky Mebbe this time though … We’ve just done a cover of ‘Mr Kite’.
Phil Mr Who?
Spanky ‘For the Benefit of Mr Kite’ … off the Beatles album.
Phil Thought you were only going to record your own stuff? You and that bum guitar player from Elderslie …
Spanky He is not bum. And he comes from Pollokshaws.
Phil Aw … sorry.
Spanky There’s one him and I wrote on the B side … we’ve put it in the stage act. They’ve played it a couple of times on Top Gear. You ever listen to that show.
Phil ’S that the one that replaced Workers’ Playtime? No … I’m never up that early …
Spanky Anyhow, Eddie thought it would be a good idea if we done one of the Beatles’ first …
Phil Ah … then you could step in and take his place, is that the plan? How about Ringo? You and him’s about the same build. Who’s Eddie?
Spanky New manager we’ve got.
Phil God, we are getting serious. Guitar player’s maw jack it in, did she?
Spanky This guy is really ace. Went to the Academy. Knows your Jim, he was telling me.
Spanky Steeples.
Phil Steeples? Not Big Eddie Steeples from Darkwood Crescent that’s mammy used to sell toffee-apples through their lavvy window? Jesus … fingers crossed you don’t make the big time, kid … you’d never clap eyes on a solitary tosser. You haven’t signed anything yet, I trust? Aw, no … don’t tell me.
Spanky It’s only a contract …
Phil Listen, son, the only ‘contracts’ Big Eddie understands is for shooting people.
Spanky He seemed perfectly okay to me when I was in his office …
Phil He’s a header, Big Eddie. Used to bite the kneecaps out of whippets for a giggle. What office?
Spanky Up the City. West Nile Street …
Phil Aw, he’s packed in the corrugated shed at the back of the slaughterhouse, has he?
Spanky You want to see this joint … even the close’s got flock wallpaper …
Phil He’s only after doing seven years for GBH, ya mug.
Spanky Oh … He never mentioned that to me. He was trying to sign up Donovan at one time, you know.
Phil What – to hang in the back window of his motor?
Spanky He’s got quite a number of clients on his books.
Phil And quite a few more on his conscience …
Spanky ‘Live Acts … Recording Artists.’
Phil There’s probably one or two of his ‘Live Acts’ in here somewhere. (Reads from gravestone.) ‘Jerry Lee McAllister … Number Two in East Kilbride … Now Upstairs with the Big Bopper …’
Spanky He’s okay, Big Eddie.
Phil Sure he’s okay … Eddie’s always okay … it’s you I’m worried about, pal.
Spanky You don’t need to worry about me … I can take care of myself. God, you talk as if you knew the business inside out …
Phil I know Eddie Steeples inside out …
Spanky He’s going to be starting up a ‘co-operative’ …
Phil You try collecting you ‘divvy’. He’s a crook, Spanky boy. You want to’ve resisted the temptation and signed up with a London management … or were they not all that interested in the The Sparkling Casuals?
Spanky Aw, they’re not crooks. And you know we’ve chucked calling ourselves that stupid name … stop annoying us.
Phil Of course … you’ve signed up with Eddie … what is it now … The Sparkling Morons?
Spanky Shut your face, will you?
Phil Christ, he was in 2F at the Academy, Spanks. The guy is an idiot.
Spanky Yeah? Then what is he doing in Manchester right now?
Phil Sunbathing?
Spanky Only fixing it for us to appear as the Mystery Guests on a special edition of Juke Box Jury …
Phil Thought they took that rubbish off?
Spanky They want us on with the Stones …
Phil Aw …. you carry stones about with you? That’ll be for smashing the guitars, right?
Spanky Just you keep an eye on the Twenty, pal. Even getting slagged on that show can shift a helluva lot of records.
Phil (‘lifting’ a flat gravestone) I’ll just open this up and slide in, will I? God almighty, you and me used to sit in your living room soaking your maw’s good settee at that shite. (Sings signature tune for Juke Box Jury.) Daraa, ra, raaa … dara, dara, daraaa … ‘Hi … and on tonight’s Jury the man who put the Dick back into Doxon of Dick Green … Jack Warner. Steady, Sarge. And sitting on Jack’s helmet, the ever-lovely song thrush Miss Joan Regan – welcome, Joan, that’s an interesting gown you’re falling out of … my … And peering down Joanie’s décolletage, that rising young star of In Town Tonight and Variety Bandbox … yes, it’s Digby Wolfe … And finally, the man who knows just about everything there is to know about the music that makes today’s kids ‘groove’ … yes … it’s Jimmy Wheeler! Take it away, Jim!’ Ahyah! (Topples over with ‘heart attack’.)
Spanky Is that you?
Phil Ah … ah … you’ll know all about it when you hit the Top Thirty, m’lad … Jesus …
Spanky We might not get on it anyhow …
Phil You want on it, George, you go on it. Never heed what anybody says. Never mind who laughs … if it’s what you want … you and the boys … if it’s what you and the boys want … Just one thing …
Phil Give the face a runover with the flannel before going on camera … okay?
Spanky Eh?
Phil It’s a very poor advertisement for the Paisley rock scene to have one of its alumni going on the box with a manky kisser …
Spanky What’re you talking about? I was home and had a bath before I got here …
Phil Well, it’s either your schnozzle casting a shadow on your top lip or … ah, sorry … you’re trying to grow a moustache … sorry!
Spanky Yeh, very good. I am growing a moustache.
Phil No, you’re trying to grow a moustache. Moustaches’ve got hairs in them. I don’t think lugging a Hofner President about the country’s agreeing with you, son …
Spanky Shut up, eh?
Phil Aaahh … I’ve got it. The Beatles’ve got them. Next thing you know you’ll be sauntering into The Bobbin Bar with the wife’s loose covers on …
Spanky Quit mocking, will you? There’s a lot of good things going down right now …
Phil I’m sorry … I didn’t quite catch that?
Spanky You heard …
Phil Well, St Mirren went down into Division Two fairly recently but … aw, you’re talking about karma and all that keech? Sorry. I’m with you now, Spanks …
Spanky That’s right … go on. Listen, there’s going to be a lot of changes … a lot of changes. A New Generation …
Phil I don’t believe this. What have you been smoking, Youth Dew Emulsion? You’re a child of the fifties, Farrell … you’re too old for this ‘New Generation’ malarky. You grew up with sweetie coupons and Stafford Cripps, not hash cookies and fluorescent underpants.
Spanky I’m only seventeen months older than Paul McCartney!
Phil That is not going to see you through life, Spanky.
Spanky You were always the bloody same, you. Mock, mock, mock. ’Many years’ve we known each other now? Twelve … something like that?
Phil No, I’m sorry, Eamonn … I can’t quite place that one … Have a heart, I’ve only bumped into you twice in the last ten.
Spanky And that was accidental, believe you me, pal. You were exactly the same in Stobo’s … anything you done was terrific, anything anybody else tried was up for laughs … especially me. What is it with you? Eh?
Phil (falls to his knees) Bless me, Father, for I have sinned …
Spanky Well, not any more, buddy boy. You’re the one the laugh’s on, Phil. Look at you. Yeh, okay, so I’m humping a crap guitar and a bunch of deadbeats round the country in a fucked-up baker’s van … what’ve you done since you quit Art College, eh?
Phil (sings) Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker’s van …
Spanky Couple of months in London, nineteen sixty-four, one lousy painting in the ‘Young Contemptibles’ … then it’s back home to your mammy and spongeing pints off art students so you can shoot them a load of shit about how you used to drink in the same boozer as that balloon from Edinburgh that wouldn’t know a filbert from a sash tool …
Phil Knock it off, Spanks …
Spanky Call yourself an artist? Christ, you’ve not even had a bloody show.
Phil I have had a bloody show … two bloody shows as a matter of fact!
Spanky When? First I’ve heard of it.
Phil Well, you don’t exactly grope your way around the demi-monde of High Art, do you? Nineteen sixty-five … Van Eyk Gallery, Cardiff … and last year in Dunoon.
Spanky Dunoon!?
Phil Yes … Dunoon! What’re you sniggering at?
Spanky That is sad, d’you know that? Is this the guy that cartwheeled out the door of A. F. Stobo’s Slab Room in nineteen fifty-seven to go fifteen rounds with Pablo Picasso? ‘And there goes the bell for the First Round and … oh, fuck me! It’s an uppercut from the Spanish boy but McCann is still on his feet … a left and right to the head … the young challenger is on his knees in the Blue Corner – no, he’s up – another right and left – oh, Christ, he’s down! He’s on the canvas … but hold on, folks, the Paisley featherweight is desperately trying to draw himself together – yes, he’s got the Black Prince pencil out of the trunks but the dusky Dago’s too quick for him … a left jab to the solar plexus and it’s all over! TKO, Round One!’
Phil You’re asking for a punch in the mouth, pal!
Spanky That’s your answer to everything, isn’t it? ‘You’re asking for a punch in the mouth, pal.’ For God’s sake, get a grip. You can’t go around punching the entire world in the mouth …
Phil No, but I could start with you. ‘Love and Peace’ we’re getting, is it?
Spanky All I’m saying is, that stuff’s negative … right?
Phil Is this off a Beatles album?
Spanky Violence is negative … positively negative …
Phil What’ve you been taking?
Spanky You don’t have to take anything to see how futile it all is …
Phil We should’ve got you to have a word with the guy with the brick …
Spanky Yeh, yeh … drop out into the old familiar territory, Phil …
Phil I don’t think I’m hearing right. What was that remark you made in the crematorium again? Something about ‘a wee white coffin … the kind they use for toddlers’? Eh? Okay, so Hector was on the short side, but …
Spanky I was upset!
Phil So was I. If it had been one of them wee coffins they could’ve got Topio Gigio for one of the pall-bearers.
Spanky You bastard.
Phil And as for ‘dropping out’, you’re the one that’s done that, sweetheart. Chanking out C, G and F on a Hong Kong Stratocaster with a gang of zombies is not exactly what Sophocles would see as ‘Squaring it with the Cosmos’.
Spanky And having exhibitions in Dunoon is, I suppose?
Phil At least my work’s got something to do with reality – with the real world!
Spanky Aw … we’ve jacked in painting wee guys with big ears and babies floating about on cotton-wool clouds?
Phil What??
Spanky Moved on to the harsher landscape of the Big Rock Candy Mountain and Never-Never Land, have we? I see …
Phil What’re you talking about!
Spanky You don’t remember the wedding present you gave us? I’m hurt, Phil …
Phil That was below the belt, you shite. And anyhow, that was three years ago!
Spanky Four … you can cut the innuendo!
Phil That’s the last time you get a wedding present from me!
Spanky I wasn’t complaining … we like the bloody thing!
Phil It’s shit and you know it.
Spanky We put it in Lindy’s room. Lucille’s very fond of it …
Phil Yeh, she would be.
Spanky Meaning what exactly?
Phil Well, she never did have ‘impeccable’ taste, did she?
Spanky It was you that painted the fucking thing! And watch your mouth – Lucille happens to be my wife … right?
Phil I knew this would happen. You do somebody a favour and it comes back to haunt you! Aaaaaargh! (Falls to the ground, head in hands.)
Spanky Och, get up, will you? Come on … Every painter’s done shit …
Phil See!! Ahyah! Ahyah! Ahyah!
Spanky Come on … can you see Botticelli getting up to this kind of carry on?
Phil Leave me alone!
Spanky Right, I’m off. You can lie there the rest of your life if you like …
Phil Where’re you going?
Spanky I’m off, I said.
Phil You can’t go just like that … we’re in the middle of a trauma.
Spanky Correction … you’re in the middle of a trauma. Me? I’m off. What the bloody hell am I doing hanging about a cemetery at half past ten in the morning, for Christ’s sake?
Phil We’re discussing art …
Spanky The one day off you get in seven weeks and this is it?
Phil Yeh … most inconsiderate of the boy to go and get himself bumped off like that, I do so agree, Spanky.
Spanky George to you. You don’t know what it’s like sitting up night after night with your head between somebody’s knees in a bloody baker’s van … the guy next to you being sick into his guitar bag … the drummer beating merry fuck out of the side-panelling ’cos he’s gobbled Christ only knows how many sheets of blotting paper … the roadie freaking out on Certofix … the slag with her legs round the driver’s neck as we hurtle through the Potteries to another ‘sellout’ gig only to discover the road map’s covered in honk and we should be two hundred miles away in Egham. And the smell! Jesus … the smell!
Phil It sounds a riot …
Spanky It’s no joke, I’m telling you. See you sometime, eh?
Phil That’s it, is it!
Spanky Eh?
Phil We don’t see each other for four years and it’s, ‘See you sometime, eh?’
Spanky What d’you want … a kiss?
Phil We’ve hardly touched on the boy’s demise, for God’s sake.
Spanky And that’s my fault?
Phil I’m going in to see his mother … d’you want me to tell her anything?
Spanky Yeh, yeh … tell her I’m sorry … okay?
Phil It was her son she lost, not the fucking budgie!
Spanky What d’you want me to say? What d’you want me to say? Tell me and I’ll say it! You’re the one that’s supposed to be eloquent! I’m sorry! That’s the best I can do! I’m sorry … right! If I’d had more warning I could’ve wrote something out for you!
Phil I wasn’t saying that! I know you’re sorry … I’m sorry. Christ, it isn’t enough, is it?
Spanky Nothing is ever enough for you, Phil, nothing! Tell her I’m awful sorry … how’s that? (Exits.)
Phil I wanted to talk about it! (Pause.) Look at all this junk! (looking up) Your old dear had the right idea, kid … (Reads gravestones.) Elizabeth Boyle … 1954 … Sorely Missed. Agnes Ritchie Roberts … Now with Isobel, Raymond, Ronnie, Arthur, Henry and Little Campbell … March 12, 1951. Thomas Quick … October 8, 1957 … Goodbye. Is that it … ‘Goodbye’? Could they not’ve put ‘Goodbye, Dad’ or something? (Reads.) Aged Two Years and Seven Months. Maybe not. Still, it is a mite bald. Two years seven months …? Hardly time to learn how to pluck the wings off a frog. (Looks up.) Think yourself fortunate, Heck … there’s a kid here probably never even saw a fairy cycle much less came to work on one. (to gravestone) Keep your eyes peeled for a wee guy with blisters and a big hole in his napper … don’t lend him any of your Dinkys, you’ll never see them again. What? No, no … just somebody we used to work beside … me and the fella that just left. Three of us spent the twilight of our teens grinding up powder paint for a Design Room full of galoots battering out rug patterns not a boot in the Broadlooms from here … nineteen fifty-seven. Hey, that was the year you turned in your Tufty Club badge, Tommy son. Fancy that, eh? Yes, those were the days … when a tuppenny single was fourpence and you could go from here to Seamill for the price of a second-hand Ferrari … Yes, I remember it well … George Elrick was still doing Housewife’s Choice and Plooky Jack Hogg was just cutting his first pimple. Of course, you wouldn’t know Plooky Jack, kiddo … He was the guy in the hand-crotcheted face that sat next to Lucille … a source of constant entertainment to us Slab Boys in those far-off days. Every morning there was a fresh crop … pink ones with green heads … green ones with puce heads … and if you were really lucky … the Great Yellow … right on the tip of the snorter. We used to draw lots to see who would get to wander past his desk and casually flick it with the end of a palette knife … God, you wonder what becomes of these people, eh? Last I heard old Hoggbottom had his own remnant business … drives about Paisley in a pre-war Dodge with black windows … or so Hector was told. (Looks up.) What did you have to go and get done in for, ya wee bastard!
Lucille (off) Is that you, George?
Phil No, it’s me. What did you go and get killed for!?
Enter Lucille.
Lucille George …? Oh …
Phil Eh?
Lucille Good God …
Phil Lucille?
Lucille I don’t believe it … What’re you doing here?
Phil I came to take some rubbings …
Lucille I thought you were in London?
Phil Off and on. I thought you weren’t coming?
Lucille I’m looking for George … he should’ve been home ages ago.
Phil George?
Lucille Have you seen him?
Phil Ah … of course, (as if just remembering who George is) How foolish of me. Did he forget his playpiece?
Lucille Are you ever going to grow up? I thought they might’ve knocked that out of you down there. God, you look terrible …
Phil It’s been a harrowing morning …
Lucille Have you seen him or haven’t you seen him?
Phil We did toss a few casual phrases to and fro across the sarcophagi, yeah … then he went off in the huff. God, you’re still a good-looking doll, Lucille.
Lucille See if he’s gone to that pub … what?
Phil Something pressing was it? I can give him a message if you like?
Lucille No. Yes … bugger! If you do see him tell him to get home straight away … Eddie Steeples phoned from Manchester.
Phil Steeples … Steeples?
Lucille The rest of the group are making their way from Herne Bay in the van, tell him. Oh, yeah, and say I’m going to murder him when I get a hold of him …
Phil Any other time that might just’ve been faintly amusing …
Lucille What? What d’you m – Oh, Christ …
Phil (looking up) Sorry about that, Heck …
Lucille Cut that out … you’re disgusting. If I could have come I would have.
Phil You’re here now …
Lucille This is an emergency!
Lucille I couldn’t just drop everything and come; could I? And who are you to talk? If I had come I would’ve polished my bloody shoes for a kick-off. Look at you … you’re a mess.
Phil Thanks.
Lucille What’d he go and get himself done in for anyhow?
Phil I’m just waiting on a reply …
Lucille Well, he’s better off if you ask me …
Phil Yeh, that’s how I’d like to go … brick through the noddle.
Lucille What!
Phil That’s how he got killed … didn’t you know?
Lucille I thought it was a knife … Somebody said he got knifed in a homosexual toilet.
Phil Yeh … granted that would have been marginally more apposite, but a brick it was, I’m afraid. What’s a ‘homosexual toilet’, by the way?
Lucille You know what I mean …
Phil Anyway, it was the Baths … where it happened. In one of the changing booths.
Lucille God …
Phil Guy was a header apparently …
Lucille Yeh, I know … Miss Walkinshaw and I went up to visit him a couple of times.
Phil The other guy…
Lucille Oh …
Phil Don’t you read the papers?
Lucille I couldn’t …
Phil He was apprehended on board the Finnieston Ferry trying to get his leg over the Purser.
Lucille Stop it, will you! I only came here to look for George … It’s not my fault the guy’s dead. Well, is it? And stop looking at me like that!
Phil How am I looking at you? I’m only looking at you. How should I be looking at you?
Lucille Honest to God, it’s embarrassing … I wouldn’t have come but for my mum. What’s a man of thirty doing playing rock ’n’ roll for anyhow?
Phil Twenty-nine, doll …
Lucille Twenty-nine then – it’s still bloody embarrassing.
Phil You never know – he might make it yet.
Lucille And you know who’s to blame, don’t you?
Phil For what? That he hasn’t had his kisser on the front of the Melody Maker so far? He wants to get along to the nearest Tao clinic and have that unsightly superfluous hair removed from his upper lip. That’s what’s holding him back, if you ask me. They do it with hypnosis … and a red-hot poker.
Lucille You know damn fine what I mean … filling his head with all this stupid nonsense about ‘making it’. It’s been going on for years. I’m sick to death of it. I wouldn’t care if he was happy, but I don’t know if you’ve ever sat up half the night listening to somebody vomiting down the lavatory just because they’ve got a gig in some Masonic Hall in Lochearnhead, Lochgoilhead, or bloody Budleigh Salterton …
Phil Still at it, is he? He should’ve taken that up instead of the banjo … Hey, where’re you going, Lucille?
Lucille You’re exactly the same as you were ten years ago … only worse!
Phil No, don’t go … I’m sorry …
Lucille Let go my arm.
Phil I said I was sorry …
Lucille My arm, I said.
Phil Listen, there’s something I want to tell you.
Lucille What is it with you? Let go! You’re hurting me.
Phil Look at me.
Lucille Look at me what?
Phil Look at me and tell me you haven’t thought of me in ten years.
Lucille What? I do not believe this …
Phil Tell me!
Lucille Tell you what?
Phil I’ve thought about you … a lot.
Lucille Yeh, fine … we’ll send your prize on to you … now let go my arm … please.
Phil I’ve never stopped thinking about you …
Lucille Is it being in a graveyard that’s doing this to you?
Phil Cut the jokes … I’m serious. Well?
Lucille You keep saying ‘Well?’ You keep asking me questions … you keep staring at me … What am I supposed to say? Tell me and I’ll say it!
Phil I love you, for Christ’s sake.
Lucille Ow!
Phil Sorry … (Lets go her arm.)
Lucille That was really sore …
Phil Didn’t you hear what I said?
Lucille I’ve just had this coat cleaned.
Phil I’ve just told you I love you … after ten years. You could say something.
Lucille (shaking arm) I don’t think I’ve any feeling left …
Phil I did try to phone you one time but I was drunk …
Lucille You’re not drunk now, are you?
Phil Then you went and got married to Spanky … sorry … George. What did you go and do that for?
Lucille I’d just had my hair done that day. What d’you think I did it for? And you’ve cut off the circulation in this!
Phil I remember waking up in this flat in Harlesden … the wireless was on and this guy was talking to one of the Beatles … then he played ‘I Wanna Hold Your Hand’ … twenty-second of February, nineteen sixty-four … that’s when it hit me. Like a ton of bricks …
Lucille gives a glance heavenwards.
I was in love!
Lucille Who with … John, Paul, George or …?
Phil You! I was in love with you!
Lucille Weren’t you always?
Phil No …
Phil I thought, Jesus … is this how it feels? I felt as if somebody had punched a big hole in my skull and the sun was shining in … I felt terrific and terrible at the same time …
Lucille You could sell that one to Hallmark Cards …
Phil Listen to me. For the first time I can remember I was actually caught unawares … I wasn’t even thinking about you.
Lucille I’m supposed to be flattered by all this?
Phil I felt something I never expected to feel …
Lucille Look, I’ll have to go …
Phil Hold on!
Lucille Would you mind grabbing the other one this time?
Phil C’mere …
Lucille C’mere what?
Phil Just c’mere…
Lucille I’ve got to get back …
Phil I love you …
Lucille Mind out for my arm.
They embrace.
What took you so long?
Phil To let go your arm?
Lucille To tell me …?
Phil I’m telling you now.
Lucille I could kill you …
They embrace even more passionately.
Lucille What do we do now?
Phil I’ve got a coat … (Starts taking it off.)
Lucille About George?
Phil You’re not thinking of telling him, are you? (Lays coat on ground.) I mean, not straight away?
Lucille I’ve got to. Eddie’s not going to be phoning again – he was in a call box …
Phil Eh?
Lucille It’s really important to him … him and the boys. This could be their big chance.
Phil Yeh … there’s nothing like getting everything into perspective, is there? Bloody hell, you’re just after going on about how stupid it all was …
Lucille Yeh, I know … but at least this’ll put the lid on it once and for all. Either he breaks into the Big Time and the past three and a half years have been worth it or he jacks it in, flogs that stupid guitar, and goes back to Stobo’s.
Phil Aw, yeah? ‘Welcome home, Spanky-stroke-George, we’ve had one of the juniors keeping your desk warm for you. Sorry to hear you made an absolute wombat’s udder of it … seen you on Juke Box Jury … say no more, eh? Would you like Miss Walkinshaw to fetch you a wee mouthful of humble pie in her toothmug?’
Lucille Anything’s better than being a bloody waster.
Phil Like me, you mean?
Phil You don’t need to say it …
Lucille Look, I’ll have to go … I’ve left Lindy with my Mum …
Phil That’s it then, is it?
Lucille I’ve got to …
Enter Jack Hogg.
Jack Hello? Excuse me …?
Phil When will I see you?
Jack Excuse me…
Lucille I’m not sure …
Jack Could you tell me which way to the crematorium?
Phil Christ, who’s this?
Jack There’s a sign pointing up that way but … good heavens, Lucille …
Lucille Hello, Jack … excuse me, I’m just going …
Jack I’m not too late, am I? I’m sure the paper said …
Phil What is this, the Magic Grotto? Plooky Jack … minus the plooks …
Jack Sorry … should I know you? Oh, God … I might have known.
Phil Hey, don’t go, Lucille …
Lucille Nice seeing you again, Jack.
Jack How’s Georgie?
Phil Lucille …
Jack Knock me down with a soggy test strip, I never expected to bump into you again … bugger me, eh? How’ve you been?
Phil Lucille …
Jack Sorry, did I interrupt something?
Phil You, Jack?
Jack How long has it been … seven years – eight even?
Phil Ten.
Jack You’re kidding. Really? As much as that, eh? You’re looking well …
Phil You think so?
Jack That is not a bad bit of material. Terylene, isn’t it?
Phil What?
Jack Tend to bring me out in a rash, man-made fibres. Best of barathea this – (referring to his own coat)– half-lined, one hundred per cent silk … Suit’s cashmere, wouldn’t wear anything else … What time do we get rolling? Eleven isn’t it? The lad’s send-off.
Phil The lad’s been sent off, Jack.
Jack I wonder if Willie Curry’ll turn up? He did for old Elsie Walkinshaw’s mother. Well, I suppose we better tag along after Lucille… she seemed to know where she was going. Dreadful business this, eh? I didn’t know a damn thing about it till I set foot in the shop this morning. One of the girls showed me the newspaper. Just back from Harrogate … Woollen Fair annual junket. Got absolutely stinko on the overnight train.
Phil You’re not listening, Jack … the lad’s been sent off. And this is not Terylene.
Jack You’re joking. Let me feel. Bugger me, I could’ve sworn.
Phil Ten o’clock …
Jack Yes, that was quite a good year for Terylene.
Phil D’you mind?
Jack What size chest are you if you don’t mind my asking? Forty … somewhere around that area? Got some beautiful blazers coming into the shop this morning. Italian. Hand-stitched lapels. Pop in and try one on when you’ve got a few minutes to spare. (Gives Phil a card.) One of the girls’ll look after you if I’m not there … here, I’ll stick the old nom-de-plume on that.
Phil Keep it, Jack.
Jack No, no … give you a nice discount. Ten, did you say? Shit. There you go … ask for Morag. How’d it go? The lad’s whatsit?
Phil How did you expect it to go? It was miserable.
Jack I was only asking. No cause to get narked. Pity. I would’ve liked to’ve seen some of the old familiar faces. Quite a few from the Design Room there, were there?
Phil There was nobody there, Jack. Just me and Spanky Farrell … that was all.
Jack Bugger me. What was it took him off, anyway? Godstruth, he was hardly any age at all … what … twenty-eight … twenty-nine? I know he had respiratory problems at one point.
Phil Especially when he got his head stove in.
Jack He got what?
Phil Suffering God, this is getting more and more like bloody Cluedo. The victim … Hector … the boy whose puny remains have just been done to a turn at Gas Mark Seven … was murdered by a blow to the head with a blunt instrument, to wit … one household brick …
Jack Bugger me …
Phil You want locus and perpetrator as well?
Jack All it said was ‘Hector McKenzie. Suddenly on Tuesday.’
Phil Well, it’s hardly going to say ‘Done in with a brick. No Flowers,’ is it?
Jack I suppose that’s why the delay … of course … Post mortem, right?
Phil Hardly needed much of a post mortem, his napper crushed like a nut.
Jack You saw him?
Phil I saw the brick. Or at least, I saw a photograph of the brick … Paisley Express. Breeze block … about this size. Hector must’ve given the guy a hand to carry it into the Baths.
Jack They know who did it, then?
Phil Caught the guy.
Jack Bugger me … who would want to do a thing like that? I wish I’d known. God, suddenly I don’t feel so good … (Makes to sit.)
Phil Uh, uh … you’re just about to sit on our wee chum.
Jack What?
Phil Tommy Quick. Here … have a squat on Betty Boyle … Sorely Missed. (Helps Jack.)
Jack Thanks … (Sits.)
Phil Mind the cashmeres on the pigeon shite.
Jack I feel as though I want to throw up …
Phil I felt the same when I first heard. Feel free, Jacky Boy.
Jack Murdered? It doesn’t seem possible somehow… Him and I got quite pally towards the end … before I quit, that is. Got him a fair-sized discount on a nice pair of tweed slacks, I remember. You don’t happen to know offhand what he was wearing when …? No … I don’t expect you would. Bugger me, I wish I hadn’t had that egg now …
Phil Fried, was it?
Jack Yolk was runny.
Phil I would take off the barathea topcoat if I was you.
Jack It conjures up such a horrible picture.
Phil Just let her rip, Jack.
Jack Oooooohhhhh … (Is sick behind gravestone.)
Phil Did you get the entire egg up?
Jack Bugger me … aw …
Phil D’you want a hanky? (Holds out a handkerchief.)
Jack Ta. (Wipes hands and face.)
Phil No … you hold on to it. So, how’s the remnant business doing?
Jack Gent’s outfitting … I gave you a card.
Phil So you did… (Takes it from breast pocket.) ‘Jack’s’. What gave you the idea for the name?
Jack He sat right next to me … after he got his promotion that time … Between me and Miss Walkinshaw. She’ll be choked. She wasn’t at the service, was she?
Phil There was me, Spanky Farrell, the undertaker, and a bloke modelling hairshirts.
Jack Was his mother there?
Phil Yeh … she strolled in at half-time and gave us ‘Sonny Boy’ on the nose-flute. What d’you think?
Jack Bugger me. I don’t know anybody that’s ever been murdered before.
Phil That’s one for the diary, then.
Jack You forgot about Lucille.
Phil Don’t be soft. She only came looking for hubby.
Jack Oh …
Phil The Sparkling Casuals or whatever they’re calling themselves nowadays’ve to be on Juke Box Jury.
Jack Eh? I thought they’d scrapped that? You’re joking.
Phil Would that I were, Jack.
Jack What’re they doing for outfits?
Phil What were you thinking of … some nice eye-catching off-the-shoulder slightly shop-soiled ‘Barrier Reef’ overcoats?
Jack They’ll want to look their best, surely?
Phil That’s true. You want to get a hold of their management, Jack … They’ve just signed up with Eddie Steeples.
Jack Steeples? Where’ve I heard that name before?
Phil He’s got premises in West Nile Street.
Jack You know him, do you? (Takes out a pocket diary.)
Phil Vaguely. Ex-Paisley Grammar … nice quiet big chap. Does a fair amount of prison-visiting, I hear … He’ll be in the book …
Jack Right …
Phil No … hang on … he’s down in Manchester at the moment. TV studios. They should be able to put you in touch with him …
Jack Bugger me, I’m going to Manchester tomorrow … (Holds out diary.)
Phil Couldn’t’ve worked out better. What about some of them Tally blazers you’re getting in?
Jack The very dab … I could chuck some in the car …
Phil Good advert for you …
Jack Just what I’m thinking. And we’ve got some very nice flares in just now…
Phil You could get some big labels printed… ‘Jacks’s Remnants … Three Doors Down from Crichton the Butcher’.
Jack I mean, I wouldn’t charge their management full price … how many are in the group, d’you know?
Phil Twelve, I think.
Jack Come on … how many?
Phil Not counting the hunchback? Let me see …
Jack Now you are kidding. Come on … there isn’t a … you know … is there?
Phil You not got a blazer that would fit him?
Jack They’re off-the-peg …
Phil Just leave the peg in one of them …
Jack You don’t know of a phone box about here, do you?
Phil ’S this to apologise to Hector for being late?
Jack Stop reminding me, will you? I feel bad enough as it is … To ring this chap …
Phil Steeples.
Jack I think I passed one at the foot of the road … (Starts getting up.)
Phil I think you may also have passed one on Betty Boyle … Sorely Missed …
Jack Eh?
Phil No … sorry … it was a pigeon. Give us a look at the arse of your cashmeres …
Jack Oh, no … are they manky?
Phil Hold on … (Rubs his hand in some muck and wipes the seat of Jack’s trousers.) There …
Jack Ta …
Phil My pleasure, Jack …
Jack By the by, how’s the old painting going? I hear you had some sort of show in Dunoon just recently …
Phil You would …
Jack We must have a chat about maybe getting you to do something for the shop … sort of ‘fresco’ thing perhaps. Along those lines, anyway … Well, stick in. You never know, eh?
Phil Thanks, Jack.
Jack Right, I best get up the road … got a lunch date with some reps …
Phil Don’t forget that phone call.
Jack You kidding? Hey, tell me something …
Phil What?
Jack Is it true that you wangled your way into Art College that second time?
Phil What!
Jack No, no, don’t get me wrong … pardonnez moi … That’s what your chum told everyone … straight from the horse’s mouth, he said. Not that I believed a word of it, but there were plenty of others that did … you know what they’re like in Stobo’s. Well, so long … nice seeing you again.
Phil The bastard!
Jack I just wish I’d known about the lad … Bugger me, eh? (Moves off.)
Phil Yeh … bugger you, Jacky Boy…
Jack Ciao.
Phil Bugger the lot of you. Heh, you never told us how you got shot of the plooks.
Jack Sorry?
Phil Nothing. I just hope you catch something off that telephone call.
Exit Jack.
The bastard … Wangled my way in?? The bastard … The jealous bastard. I only sat up every bloody night for three solid months getting a bloody portfolio together after that first fiasco … Three solid months … Every night for three months and what d’you get? If I ever see that bastard again …
Enter Spanky.
Spanky Who’re you talking to?
Phil Aw … you’re back?
Spanky I’ve lost my bloody train ticket. Halfway to The Jolly Beggars, dives into the pocket for a fag … nothing. You haven’t seen it kicking about, have you?
Phil Never heed the ticket … I’ve got something to discuss with you, Farrell …
Spanky It was inside a see-through, half-timbered, plastic wallet with ‘Tudor Travel’ on the front …
Phil Just what were you telling that bunch of arsebags about me getting into Art School that time? Eh?
Spanky What bunch of arsebags? Going to lift your feet a minute?
Phil That bunch of clowns from the Design Room …
Spanky Aw, yeah …? (Carries on hunting for ticket.)
Phil Yeah … Jack Hogg was saying …
Spanky ’S not under your coat, is it?
Phil’s coat is still lying on the ground.
Phil Hang off that and listen to me, will you!
Spanky What is it?
Phil I’ve a good mind to punch you in the mouth, pal!
Spanky What the bloody hell’s up with you now?
Phil I’ll tell you what’s up … three solid months, that’s what’s bloody up! And quit shouting, will you! You’re in the Garden of Remembrance!
Spanky Well, I wish to Christ I could remember what I done with that ticket!
Phil Bugger your bloody ticket … and give us that coat! (Snatches coat.)
Spanky I wish to God I could fathom what’s biting you. Here, you’ve dropped your scarf … (Picks up brightly coloured scarf which Lucille has left behind.)
Phil You thank your lucky stars you’re in a cemetery, boy, otherwise I’d …
Spanky Hold on … hold on … (Staring at scarf in hand.) Where did you get this?
Phil Get what?
Spanky This … this! You’ve been seeing her, haven’t you! Haven’t you? (Grabs Phil.)
Phil Seeing who? What’re you doing!
Spanky What’ve you been up to, ya bastard!
Phil Hey!!
Spanky I bought her this in Wakefield … how long has this been going on, eh? She’s been here, hasn’t she!? Hasn’t she?
Phil You’re choking me! Who’s been here? Ahyah!
Spanky I might’ve guessed … what the fuck was she doing here … you fucking pig, Phil!!
Phil She came looking for you, ya moron! Hang off! What the fuck’re you doing! Hang off, will you! Ahyah! Something about your manager phoning! Let us go!
Spanky You’re a liar! You would’ve said straight away … I’m going to kill you!
Phil It’s true … it’s true … honest to God … I was going to tell you after I punched you in the mouth … aaaaaaaargh!
Spanky The only mouth that’s going to get punched is yours, ya lousy double-dealing bastard!
Enter Lucille.
Lucille George!
Phil Thank Christ …
Lucille What the hell d’you think you’re doing?
Spanky You stay back, ya bitch! Think I’m stupid, do you! I know what you’ve been up to!!
Lucille Have you told him!
Phil About Juke Box Jury? Yeh … but I don’t think he believes me … ahyah!
Lucille Let him go, George Farrell!
Spanky Eh? What about Juke Box Jury?
Lucille Eddie phoned …
Phil See?
Lucille I came looking for you and he said you were away to the pub so …
Spanky Aw, Jesus …
Lucille What were you calling me a bitch for?
Spanky Aw, Christ …
Phil Going to quit strangling me now?
Spanky Aw, Jesus …
Lucille Eh? And what in God’s name are you pair fighting about? You’re rolling about there like a couple of two-year-olds.
Phil We weren’t fighting … he was choking me to death.
Spanky Look, Phil … Aw, God … look, I’m really sorry. What can I say? Jesus …
Lucille Never mind about him just now … you’ve to get down to Manchester straight away for a test …
Spanky Test?
Lucille You don’t imagine they’re going to shove the lot of you straight in front of a camera, do you? Be sensible. One of you could be a hunchback for all they know … and what’re you doing with that scarf? Give us that … you’re bad enough with that moustache … Don’t you go wearing anything stupid if you do get on, d’you hear me? You weren’t thinking of knotting this round your head, were you?
Spanky At this moment I feel like knotting it round my throat … What can I say, Phil?
Phil Just say ‘cheerio’ and beat it …
Spanky Listen, I’m really sorry, Lucille …
Lucille What’re you apologising to me for? It was him you were asphyxiating. Here … (Hands him car keys.) You’ll need to put more petrol in. And phone me, right?
Spanky Right.
Lucille The rest of the boys are making their way from the Barracuda Club. You’ve all to meet up at the BBC studios not later than half-four … and don’t go building up your hopes, you know you take a lousy snap …
Phil And if Eddie Steeples tries to force you into blazers tell him where to shove them …
Lucille Get moving … it’s almost half-eleven. I’ll say ’bye to Lindy for you.
Spanky Right. Right …
Phil Good luck, kiddo.
Spanky Jeez, I’m sorry about that mix-up, Phil … still pals? (to Lucille) Say ’bye to Lindy for us …
Lucille Will you go, George!
Spanky I’m going … I’m going.
Lucille The car’s at the front gates …
Spanky You don’t want dropped off … no?
Lucille Lindy’s at my mum’s … I’ll get the bus. Hurry up, will you!
Spanky Great.
Phil We’ll be watching for you …
Lucille Don’t forget to phone me!
Phil See you sometime, eh!
Spanky (cheerily) Bastard. (Exits. Off) Yahoooooooo …
Phil Jesus … (Sits.)
Lucille What the bloody hell happened!
Phil He found your scarf.
Lucille That much I had gathered …
Phil Look … I’m shaking like a leaf …
Lucille What d’you think I’m doing …?
Phil God, my throat. Must be playing that guitar every night … What in Christ’s name did you come back for? Not that I’m not grateful, you understand …
Lucille I had to make sure. It was only when I was in the car that it got through to me …
Phil What did?
Lucille You said you loved me.
Phil Did I?
Lucille Phil McCann!
Phil I’m being jocund, doll. A set of fingers round the windpipe does that to a chap.
Lucille He’s away now …
Spanky I wouldn’t be too sure. He’s probably just away to get the starting handle to beat the living dung out of me …
Lucille Tell me again …
Phil He’s probably just away to get the starting handle to beat the …
Lucille Tell me properly!
Phil Ow!
Lucille Say it!
Phil Okay, okay … I love you.
Lucille Say it right!
Phil I love you, Lucille …
Lucille I love you too …
They embrace. Enter Jack Hogg with a selection of blazers.
Jack Hell … o.
Lucille Hell!
Jack It’s only me.
Phil What’re you playing at, creeping up on people!
Jack I wasn’t creeping … it’s these shoes… vulcanised crepe welded to a doeskin upper. Hi, Lucille … that’s a very nice outfit, if I may say so …
Lucille What do you want, Jack?
Jack I just remembered I had a few samples in the back of the bus. I thought you … er … I thought maybe … (to Phil) Would you like to try one on?
Phil Me?
Lucille (to Phil) Did you not mention something to George about blazers?
Jack I spoke to the wardrobe mistress in Manchester … terribly nice woman … said if I’d like to drop them in sometime tomorrow …
Lucille What is this?
Phil Eddie Steeples wants The Casuals to wear blazers on the show …
Lucille How d’you know that?
Phil Free blazers?
Jack Here, try this one …
Phil What’re you doing?
Jack is helping Phil off with his jacket.
Get to …
Lucille You’re not going down to Manchester, are you, Jack?
Jack Tomorrow lunchtime …
Lucille (to Phil) Get the blazer on.
Phil Eh?
Jack ‘Venice Blue’. (helping him on with blazer)
Phil It feels damp.
Lucille What other colours’ve you got, Jack?
Phil This is bloody ludicrous …
Lucille Shut up.
Jack Oh … ‘Palermo’ … that’s a sort of greeny grey … ‘Sienna’ … nice shade of donkey brown, that … ‘Napoli’ … and of course black … ‘Nero’. There, how’s that?
Lucille Que bella.
Phil Have they never heard of oxters, the Tallies?
Jack D’you think he’d fancy a set of bells?
Lucille I’ll ask. (to Phil) D’you fancy a set of bells?
Phil A set of what?
Lucille (to Jack) No … a nice gold pendant, I think.
Jack No, for Georgie.
Lucille Oh … Would those not go better with kaftans, no? Sort of temple bells are we talking about?
Jack No … polyester mix …
Phil and Lucille Eh?
Jack Four shades … self-support waist … graduated flare …
Lucille Yeh … yeh … why not? That would be really nice, Jack, (to Phil) Cut it out.
Jack Right … terrific … (to Phil) No, no … keep it on. If you and Lucille decide you like it you can settle up any time … no rush. Otherwise drop it into the shop … Tuesday’s our half-day.
Lucille He likes it.
Phil It’s horrendous.
Jack Any message for Georgie boy? Just in case we bump into each other down by …
Lucille Did you say you had a few more of these in stock, Jack?
Jack (to Phil) You really suit that colour … brings out the baby blue in your eyes … Ciao.
Lucille Bye, Jack … and thanks.
Jack It’s twenty-one pounds nineteen and eleven, by the way. That includes your ten per cent discount. Cheers. (Exits.)
Phil The slimy …
Lucille Get that off, you look ridiculous.
Phil Give us a hand then … the sleeves are cutting off my circulation! Twenty-two quid!
Lucille It’s cheap at the price … shut up, will you?
Phil If I could get my hands on that slug …
Re-enter Jack.
Jack Oh … what colour, Lucille? For the boys …
Phil It’s a good thing for you I can’t bend my arms, Hogg!
Lucille It’s only monochrome, Jack …
Jack Yeh, but you want to give the studio audience a treat, don’t you?
Lucille Yeh, that’s true. Black blazers, white bells.
Jack Bugger me, I wish I’d thought of that. (Exits.)
Phil Come back here, ya slimy blackmailing bugger!
Lucille Are you going to take that off or do I have to scream!
Phil I’ll take it off and we’ll both scream. (Takes blazer off.) Ready? Aaaaaaargh!
Lucille For Christ’s sake, we’re in the Garden of Remembrance!
Phil (looking up) This is all your fault, Hector!
Together Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
End of Act One.