29 December 2010
Earlier he would cry only in Mamma’s presence and she would tell us about it. But now it is open, all the reserve, the dignity that he has is dwindling as he breaks down in front of his children. I can understand his agony, the agony of a parent.
Oh, how I curse the perversity of this disease as he breaks down many times during the day. Everything that made him a whole person is leaving him bit by bit. If you are able to divert his attention, the weeping stops, he forgets his worries but you are stuck in his despondent mood and get bogged down by the strain.
Every patient with dementia is different, that is what the doctors say, my Dadoo, because of his natural energy, is one of the worst cases to handle. When he is hyper-active, he opens all the suitcases, searches all the cupboards and looks even under the bed to locate his files! All the time he blabbers – I am gone, I have lost everything, what will happen to me? We can’t match his pace as he runs up and down the stairs and continuously walks from one room to the other. He talks throughout the night and barely sleeps.
When you see him from a distance, he looks completely normal. It is when you start talking to him that you realize how lost he is. A bright smile lights up his face only when he sees one of his children whom he still recognizes.
He loses interest in everything from his precious plants to his friends, to the market and to food. The only thing that he still remembers is stress, bombarding questions on what is wrong, what will happen and how will it be done, it drives me crazy. Later I feel guilty for my impatience but it is so difficult listening to him pretentiously or casually.
Despite his failing memory he feels that he is a burden on his wife and children. He keeps saying, ‘Forget about me, there is nothing left in me now, it is better to die.’ His love for us sometimes wears us down.
There is no check on his emotions. Anger, fear, happiness and despair tumble over each other. He shifts gears suddenly and you are caught in a tornado of emotions trying to adjust your mental equilibrium.
This pathetic condition seeps into you unconsciously. Howsoever you may try to reason you cannot grow out of this sinking feeling: What he was and what has he become? Oh! Why?