6 May 2011
Today I ask him, ‘Dadoo, did you lead a happy life?’
‘Yes. I did my best, my children are good. I have gone places, I did it all by my own means. I was never dependent on anyone.’
‘Then why are you sad now?’ He looks at me with intense pain which I cannot decipher.
‘Happiness is in the moments. Now I don’t remember that happiness because it was at that moment. And in this moment what is there to be happy about? I have grown old. I have no mind, my memory is fading. There is no medicine, sometimes I think I am losing my mind and what am I waiting for? Let God take me away.’
I get upset and I snap back, ‘Everyone has to go, you are not the only one.’
He nods and says, ‘This is philosophy, beta.’
I am little hesitant but then I ask him, ‘Are you scared of death?’
He is thoughtful and then says, ‘What is scary about it? No, I am not.’
I persist, ‘The physical pain? How intense the pain will be when you leave this world?’
He is a little surprised and mutters, ‘Physical pain is nothing. It is just a body. Earlier limbs were removed when operations were done without anaesthesia. That time too humans endured this pain and lived. I am not scared of physical pain,’ he said emphatically.
‘Then what?’ I interrogate him.
After a long pause he says, ‘Moh aur maya – love and desire. In this world these two things suffocate us. It is my love for my family that frightens me, I don’t want to leave them. I am scared that they will not be able to survive. My children will be insecure and I don’t want that to happen.’
I am amazed at his obsession with us but then what do I know about parenting. I am not a parent.
‘And what is your desire?’ I ask.
‘There is no limit to desires, they keep on coming, multiplying. They are always there.’ He says giving me a look which says, ‘Don’t you know this simple truth.’
‘But—’
He interrupts, ‘—My desire is to see my children rise high, my desire is to see Deepak. What has he become now?’
‘Vice president.’
‘So what will be his next promotion?’
‘President.’
‘Yes, I want to see my son as president and want to see this daughter of mine to get an award for writing. When are you getting an award?’ He asks.
I smile, ‘Don’t know, Dadoo.’
‘But you must get an award, no one has written so many books in Himachal.’
‘There are people, Dadoo, who have written many books,’ I murmur.
‘Yes, but they are not popular.’
I have nothing to say, I am embarrassed. I want to change the topic when he repeats, ‘Moh—maya are the two things which have made life miserable on this earth.’
‘According to me without this there is no meaning to life,’ I say.
And he says, ‘I agree. But this itself is a torture, it is a suffering.’
I give in a little and then say, ‘Fine, there has to be a balance, not much, not less, Dadoo.’
He looks at me and shakes his head and with his wisdom replies, ‘Arrey beta there cannot be a balance that is why there is so much of suffering. Everyone knows this but love and desire are two things which are not in control. I am telling you this because no one has made this “balance”.’
Love and money. Whom do I love madly? Rohit, my parents, my in-laws? Can I make a balance? No, I can’t, love just pours out, it is not measured. And money? I have to have little but then, what is little? If someone says I will give you millions will I turn my back? I am not sure.
These philosophic discussions used to go on and on, sometimes on life, sometimes on being in the present – and sometimes on death.
‘When you reach my age you will know that kuch nahin hai iss duniya main, yeh sara mazak hai, drama hai [there is nothing to life. Everything is a joke, a drama]. The problem is that you get to know of it very late, by then you can’t turn back, so my advice to you is “enjoy the present, spend money, go places, do what you want to do because when you become old there will be nothing left”.’
‘Did you do what you wanted to do?’ I ask him.
‘Yes, I did,’ he says laughing proudly, ‘but I could have done more,’ he adds still smiling.
I am happy for him and I realize how very different he is from other parents. Whenever Rohit and I plan holidays, call friends in our house for dinners and parties, go for picnic, spend money on food and books, read books he encourages us and says, ‘This is life, don’t wait for something to happen because nothing happens in the end and unfortunately you realize this very late and by then you can’t do anything.’
‘This is all a drama, if you have the right attitude to live then enjoy every moment in whatever circumstances you are. That is the only thing that you will gain in life,’ he often says.
Now I do understand the reason for his love for food, his love for people, discussions, gossip, interaction, his love for seeing new places and with that his love to shower people with gifts. He was always a giver and his boisterous laughter always echoed in our house. Laughter is very essential and portrays happiness and joy in a family. There are very few people I have seen laughing so openly.
He says, ‘Everyone has to pass his time but if you pass this time enjoying every moment, then this is what belongs to you, that is what you gain, the rest is rubbish. All else is useless. Bas enjoy life, wahi apna hai baki sab kuch bekar hai [enjoy life, that is what you have, rest all is futile].’
‘Something happens and we say, “Look how strange life is. We don’t know what will happen the next moment.” Actually that is what life is, you don’t know what will happen in any moment. Had we known it, it would not have been life. At least not what we know as life. Not being able to know what lies in store is life.’
‘But, Dadoo, is this all not philosophy?’ I interrupt.
He shakes his head, ‘To live a beautiful life you have to philosophize it sometimes.’ And then he goes back, ‘Moh—maya are two things that hang like a curse on our heads, we can’t escape them,’ then he contradicts, ‘But these are the crucial anchors and provide zest to life.’
‘Can’t a man be brave and bold enough to live alone?’ I ask casually.
‘Everyone needs support in life. We need company to enjoy things. A lone man is a scared man. If I need help today I will count my friends, relatives; I may not avail it but their presence is a source of comfort.’
‘What is relationship?’ I probe.
‘If you take out relationship what is left: eating, defecating, sleeping! Nothing more. It is the soul that brain and body asks for.’
‘Life is so complicated,’ I complain.
‘In one way it is simple too. Enjoy “now”. There is no later. What you can do today, you will not be able to do tomorrow. So “now” is the time to enjoy. Once you have basic security – food, shelter, clothes, and a regular income – why waste time, live to the fullest. There is nothing if you look at the world in the materialistic or even in spiritual sense. Your happiness is all that matters every day for you. Saving money is useless unless you enjoy spending it. Property is meaningless if you can’t use it, my father left lots of lands and even money. I did not use it, so it is waste. There is a hundred bigha land in our village, Kuljar, lying waste not being used. What is it for me?’
‘Everything is temporary and nothing is permanent except change.’
I nod.
‘You have to spend the time allotted to you, time kaatna hai bas [we just have to kill time that is all]. I have seen the world. I visited England and America during the time when very few ventured to these far off places, it was considered wasting money, very few had seen the world at that time. It’s easy now,’ he reminisces, ‘but I did what I wanted to.’
‘You come to Solan, don’t worry about building a house. I can afford to feed you. It is just two of you. No worry at all. Don’t buy land, don’t build a house. I have enough.’