Chapter 5

The Hug

It doesn’t make any sense, and perhaps what Raymond and I shared never was logical. And that almost-kiss was just as illogical, but there was obviously something still between us. Just one touch, and we’re like two magnets being pulled together by an invisible force that’s hard to explain and still has me trembling as I make my way down the boardwalk.

Too shaken to walk farther, I stop at the next bench and sit facing the ocean. Closing my eyes, I envision Leah Ann’s startled expression, her mouth slightly parted in disbelief. I have to give it to her; she didn’t yell, scream, or attempt to pull us apart. She handled it much better than I would have if I saw my fiancé wrapped in another woman’s arms. She’s a class act all the way. No wonder Raymond loves her.

So, what was Raymond doing with me? Was he toying with my feelings because he knows how much I still love him? I’ve never pretended otherwise and was always an open book with Raymond. Maybe that was part of the problem. Don’t they say that men like the chase? He hadn’t had to work for my love; I’d freely offered it, no strings attached. It’d never been a secret because I’d never felt that it was something I’d had to keep to myself.

Maybe I should have.

I’ve learned the hard way that giving love doesn’t guarantee it will be returned. Not from my father and not from Raymond. But isn’t that why I’m here, to learn the truth? My father’s abandonment reflects how much he didn’t care. There’s nothing I can do about that besides living with the aching loss. Raymond is a different story. When the time is right, I’ll ask him that, even though he’s now in love with another woman, if he ever loved me.

“Rebecca.” Glancing up, I spot Miguel jogging toward me, wearing dark jogging pants with a stripe down the side and a black tank top. Sweating and out of breath, he collapses beside me on the bench. “Mind if I join you?”

“Not at all.” I’m grateful for the distraction. Thinking about Raymond and attempting to make sense of what just happened at the shop isn’t resolving anything. “Do you jog every day?”

“I try.” He stretches his legs and peers at the ocean. “Now that I’m closer to the beach, it’s easier.” Abruptly turning toward me, he asks, “I haven’t seen you here when I’ve jogged by earlier in the week.”

“I’ve only been back in Sunnyville for a few days. This is the first chance I’ve had to sit out here and enjoy the view.” I hold a hand out toward the water. “What about you? When did you leave the military?”

“Ten days ago.” Swiping the sweat from his brow, he asks, “How was your day?”

“It got off to a good start.” And it had. I’d enjoyed working on those designs and coming up with strategies to help Raymond’s shop. “I’m excited about a new project.”

“Sounds great. I’m curious.” His large brown eyes, with lashes that most women can only dream of, look expectantly toward me, and it’s evident that he’s genuinely interested. “Tell me more. You have my full attention.”

I spend the next fifteen minutes filling him in on the plans for the creamery. “Tomorrow, we’ll have posters ready to be displayed around town.”

“I’ve got a question for you.” He gazes at me.

“Maybe I’ll have an answer.” Miguel has the type of good looks that should be shared with the world on the big screen or in magazine ads. But he’s as oblivious of his movie star appeal as much as Raymond is of his rugged charm.

“I have a couple of questions, but, first, I need to grab a bite to eat. Care to join me?” Smiling, he eyes me with a pleading expression that no woman in her right mind would be able to resist.

“I suppose you know that it’s hard to say no to that look.” I laugh. “I had a late lunch so I’m not hungry, however, I won’t say no to joining you for a drink.”

“After my run, I grab a bite to eat over there.” He squints and points to Charley’s Fish Shack which sits on a jagged rock that juts out over the ocean. “I’m addicted to the clam chowder, and the bartender makes a mean margarita.” He taps his thighs as if he’s playing the drums. “We’ll have an even better view of the sunset from there.”

“You drive a hard bargain.” I rub any remaining sand off my fingers and stand, then take his hand and pull him to his feet. “It just so happens that I’m a sucker for a beautiful sunset and a margarita.”

“All right, that was easier than I expected.” He grips the back of the bench and stretches out each leg. “There’s one caveat.” There’s something mischievous about his expression.

“And that would be?”

“We’ve got to jog there.” He laughs.

“Uh, that would be a no, thank you.” I take a step back, ready to head straight home.

“I’m teasing.” He pauses long enough to peruse my dress and sandals. “You are not in exercise attire.”

Any residual tension from earlier in the day dissipates as we stroll to his SUV. Twenty minutes later, we are comfortably seated at the seafood restaurant’s circular bar, enjoying a panoramic ocean view of Sunnyville and the surrounding communities. I’m surprised to see so many customers on a weekday evening, but the prices are affordable, the food is good, and the view is excellent.

“This is nice.” My taste buds relish the icy coolness of my strawberry margarita while my eyes delight at the sight of the glowing strands of bright neon colors streaking across the evening sky. A sense of peace washes over me as I listen to the sound of the waves cresting against the shoreline. “Earlier, you said you wanted to ask me something about the creamery. What is it?”

“I loved that place when I was growing up. I liked their chunky chocolate chip flavor.” He swallows a mouthful of creamy New England clam chowder. “From what you told me, that flavor is no longer available.”

“Nope.” I shake my head and take another sip of my drink. “But we are in the process of remedying that situation.”

“Good to know.” He gives me a lopsided grin. “Next important question, can adults enter the sundae contest?”

“I hadn’t thought about that, but that’s a great idea. Everyone can get involved.” I envision parents working together with their children. “We’ll have two winners, one adult and one child.”

“Good, because I already know what combination of ice cream I’ll submit.” He adds with a sparkle in his eyes, “You can bet it will have my chocolate chip chunk.”

“I thought most guys were partial to vanilla.” I tease him, knowing that men like variety too.

“Life is too short to stick with one flavor when there’s so much more to choose from.” He finishes off the last of his soup.

“I agree, which is why I want to add some fun flavors. Spice things up. Your feedback is helpful.” If the town is half as enthusiastic as Miguel, the creamery will be in good shape. “I’ll have a suggestion box on the counter tomorrow.” I pull out my notepad and add it to my list of tasks to complete. “We’ll need to have people check off if they are an adult or a child on the form.”

“I’m working at the recreation center, setting up fitness programs. When can I get some of those posters? It’s an easy way to get the word out.”

“Awesome. I’ll come by and drop them off tomorrow afternoon.” Between the margarita and knowing that Miguel has volunteered to assist in spreading the word, I’m feeling much better than I did an hour ago.

After Miguel pays the check, we head toward the exit. It’s getting late, and we both have early mornings. He has to open the gym at the recreation center, and I have to complete the website.

I spot the distinctive ring first, before noticing the slender arms draped around Raymond’s neck. Her face is buried in his neck and her long auburn hair cascades over his shoulder. I am immobilized, unable to take one step further as I face the evidence of my worst fears. My breath catches in my throat as my heart sinks. As much as I’d like to look away, I can’t. They are so engrossed in each other that they don’t notice Miguel and me standing there less than a foot away. It’s not until Miguel nudges my arm and glances at the door that I exhale and stiffly follow him out. That image of Raymond and Leah Ann holding onto each other will forever be seared in my memory.

****

Silence hangs heavy in the air as Miguel drives me to my mother’s house. Trying to maintain light banter isn’t working for me right now because my heart has plummeted. Any longings I harbor for a future with Raymond have been squashed beneath the harsh reality of seeing him cuddled up with sweet, gorgeous Leah Ann.

“This is my house.” I indicate the pink house on the right. “Thanks for the margarita and your support in distributing the flyers tomorrow.”

“I’m glad to be of help.” His voice is flat, devoid of the earlier lightheartedness of our conversation at the bar.

Undoubtedly, he’s embarrassed for me. He’s a smart man. I’m sure he detected my wounded expression as he practically dragged me out of the restaurant. My feet had turned to lead, and I couldn’t control myself from gawking at Raymond and Leah Ann. They looked so happy and in love.

He puts the car in park. “We can pretend we never saw them back there.”

Nice thought, but there’s no conviction behind his words.

“If only we could.” I place my hand on the door handle.

“Okay, so that idea isn’t going to work.” Miguel faces me as his eyes fill with excitement. “We can’t erase what we saw back at Charley’s, but we can think of something else. Something more positive. I’ve got an idea. Tomorrow, I’m going to meet with Sam. Since he’s a columnist at the local newspaper, he might be interested in doing an article on the ice creamery. It could get you some publicity.”

“It’s not exactly a big news story, although newspaper coverage is part of my plan.” I shrug, unable to feign enthusiasm for anything at this moment.

“In case you haven’t noticed, we aren’t exactly a big news town.” He smiles. “Which works in our favor because he told me that the staff are always scrambling for stories and something to report besides the fact that Mrs. Taylor’s cat got stuck in a tree for the fourth time or that the street lights went out again on Evergreen Street.”

“You’re right.” All I can manage is a weak smile. “You can let him know.”

“Great. I’ll mention it.” As I open the door, Miguel adds, “Thanks for joining me tonight.”

“It was fun.” That is, until we’d had to run into the engaged couple. “Thank you for the margarita. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Feeling like a deflated balloon, I climb the stairs to the front door where my mother stands, hands on her hips, concern on her face. Noting her expression, a wave of guilt washes over me. Now that I’m back home, I’ll have to remember to give her a heads-up if I’m not coming straight home after work. Even if she doesn’t say anything, I can see that she’s been worried.

“Late night, huh?” She wraps her sea green, chenille robe more securely around her slender frame. “I’ll take that as a good sign that things went well today,” she says, as a tired smile lights her eyes.

“I’ll text you next time I’m running late. Can we talk?”

“Of course.” She follows closely behind me. The familiar scent of her rose soap is comforting.

After tossing my purse onto a chair in the living room, I kick off my shoes and collapse onto the sofa. Riley walks in the room, looks at me with his big doggy eyes, and licks my hand before getting comfortable on his mat.

She sits beside me. “I’m listening.”

Sighing, I place my hands over my eyes and force myself not to cry. “It’s no secret that I’ve been in love with Raymond since we started dating when we were sixteen.”

“He loves you, too. That’s obvious to anyone who’s been in the room with the two of you.”

“Are you sure about that?” I raise my legs off the floor, bringing them close to my body before wrapping my arms around my knees. “I’ve never told anyone this before because it’s so pitiful and embarrassing. The truth is that Raymond has never said that he’s in love with me. Not ever.” A small groan escapes, like a wounded animal’s cry for help, which about sums up my current mood.

“Some people don’t say the words, but it doesn’t mean they don’t feel them.”

“It also doesn’t mean they do.” I wrap my arms more tightly around my knees. “It’s been years if you count high school and college. He never said the words that I needed to hear. Not even a love note. It’s not an oversight. It hurts.” I release a sob and then two. Before I know it, a slow, steady stream of tears cascades down my cheeks. “It’s ridiculous and pitiful. I’m mostly mad at myself for staying with him so long when the feeling wasn’t mutual.”

“I can’t believe that. Have you talked to Raymond about your concerns?” She places an arm around my shoulder.

“What’s there to say?” I hold out my hands. “Oh, Raymond, by the way, why don’t you love me? I can’t force him to say what’s not in his heart.”

“No, I don’t suppose you can.” She gets to her feet and leaves the room before returning a few minutes later with a box of tissues. “Is that why you stayed away for the last couple of years?”

Nodding, I grab a couple of tissues and blow my nose. “Yes. I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to give myself a chance to love someone who could love me back. It was difficult enough not having a father around. I guess I got used to the most important men in my life not being able to love me, even though I love them.”

“What do you mean? Your father loved you.” She brushes a curl away from my face. “He still loves you. I send him pictures and keep him updated on what’s happening in your life.”

“Really? Because I haven’t seen him in years, so it seems like I’m pretty forgettable in his eyes.” I sniffle, knowing that I’ve never shared these feelings with her before.

“I’m so sorry you’ve felt that way. This is my fault. I should have spoken to you about your father sooner. Your father has always loved you but he also loves his music. I didn’t want him to have to decide between his career and us because I was afraid he would resent both of us if he stayed in Sunnyville when his career could flourish elsewhere.”

“I’m not sure I understand.” I blow my nose and wipe my eyes as questions spin in my mind. “He didn’t love me enough to send a letter or visit.”

“He wanted us to join him in New Orleans. He adored you and didn’t want to be separated, but New Orleans wasn’t the place for me, nor did I want you to have to travel back and forth. Shared custody wouldn’t have worked out, what with him performing at clubs half the night and sleeping during the day. Who would have watched you, made sure that you got to school on time? No, I didn’t want to do that to you. We both felt it better for me to have sole custody, but hearing your feelings now… I don’t know that we made the right decision.” She wrings her hands together. “In hindsight, we could have handled it better.”

“I’m glad you’re letting me know now. You seldom talked about my father, so neither did I. I’ve always felt disposable.”

“Oh no, that’s completely untrue. It’s just that you were doing so well in school and your life that we just thought we’d leave well enough alone. I see now that we should have figured out something. It’s not too late. Before the summer’s over, we’ll take a trip. Your father would like that, and I know you would, too.” She takes my hands in hers. “How does that sound?”

“Fine, I suppose.” My thoughts are still jumbled. All his time, I thought he’d left because of me, that he didn’t care, but that wasn’t it. Because I was an A student and had a successful career, they believed I didn’t need my father. Maybe the reason my mom thought this way was because she’d been raised by a single parent and hadn’t ever really known her father.

Overwhelmed, I shake my head. “Honestly, I need some time to make sense of this.”

“Of course, that’s understandable. Can you hand me one of those tissues?” She laughs before dabbing at her eyes. “Now, what were you saying about Raymond?”

“I know for a fact that he never loved me.” I need time to sort through everything my mother revealed about my father. “I left town so that I didn’t have to be around Raymond. So I didn’t have to face the fact that I was good enough to date, but not to love.” Now that the ugly truth is out, I feel relieved. “Apparently, it’s true that some women are good for dating, while others are marriage material.”

“Oh dear,” my mother says while patting my hand. “You’ve been going through a lot.”

“I have.” Now comes the time for me to say the hardest part of all. “He loves Leah Ann. I saw them together tonight, wrapped in each other’s arms, blissfully unaware of anyone else’s existence. I wished I could have disappeared, but it didn’t matter—he hadn’t known I was even in the room.”

“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.” She places a comforting arm around my shoulder. “I still think you should talk to him about your feelings. It’s hard for me to believe he didn’t feel something for you.”

“I’ve groveled enough. His silence is clear. I can take a hint.” Unfolding my legs, I plant my feet on the floor.

“What does this mean for your working together?”

“I’m not thrilled about having committed to working with Raymond.” I yawn as emotional fatigue and resignation wash over me. “I wish I didn’t need to return to the ice creamery, but I gave my word to Mr. Colton, so I’ll be there, but it doesn’t mean I have to be happy about working with his son.”