Families meet about all sorts of matters related to financial capital. For example, many hold quarterly or annual meetings with advisers to go over investment performance. The agendas for such meetings are usually driven by the advisers, who also manage the meeting process.
Some families also have meetings to attend to their complete family wealth. Such meetings touch upon intangible matters such as values, wishes, concerns, even conflicts. As such, they can be wonderful and they can be challenging. The family must own the agenda. And managing the process usually requires a fair degree of preparation and skill. As a result, most families approach holding a true family meeting or a family retreat with some anxiety.
This chapter aims to reduce some of that anxiety and to give you a clear road map for considering whether and how to have a true family meeting. For the purposes of this chapter, we will use the single term “family meeting” to cover everything from a half-day gathering to multiday family retreats. What matters here is not so much the length of the meeting but its purpose: it is a meeting for and by the family, not driven by someone else’s agenda. It is about complete family wealth, not just financial capital.
The key to a successful family meeting is preparation. Every family meeting should be preceded by several weeks—if not months—of lead time. Families can use this time to:
Families are often surprised at how much time and effort must precede a family meeting. The more effort a family invests before a meeting, deciding and clarifying what to cover, the more productive the meeting will be. Also, all participants will enter the meeting with clarity about what will be covered and what is expected of them.
Through helping families design dozens if not hundreds of family meetings, we have found that taking the time beforehand to answer some questions can make all the difference. We divide these questions, and this chapter, into the Why, What, Who, When, How, and Where of family meetings.
Most families don’t have family meetings. So why do it?
The answer is that family meetings are one of the most important tools a family of wealth can use to grow its complete wealth. It is not an exaggeration to say that every family that succeeds over multiple generations makes some use of family meetings.
Well-run family meetings can be used for at least three purposes:
Regular family meetings provide a forum for sharing news, concerns, opportunities, and challenges in an open and direct way. Family leaders can deliberate about and make shared decisions in a truly collaborative manner. Meetings offer the chance to help younger family members learn the basics of family finances and family traditions.
A clear agenda and defined goals are crucial. Without a clear agenda, meetings can meander and bog down, so that members may become frustrated or leave feeling that important business was left undone.
The activities at a family meeting are as varied as the reasons for having a family meeting. However, some of the more common things that we have seen families do at family meetings include:
Simply put, the list of participants should follow from the goals of the meeting.
If a primary goal is resolving conflicts or building a team, it may be important to limit the attendance to family members and a few facilitators. If, on the other hand, the meeting will cover various technical issues, experts may be present for some portions of the event. Examples include lawyers, accountants, investment advisers, and even family business or human resources consultants.
If the goal is to encourage connections across the generations, engage in family philanthropy, or to develop future leadership, then having adolescents and young adults present makes a great deal of sense. Elders may also be present to provide wisdom, continuity, and guidance as well as a voice for the family’s heritage and legacy.
Children below the age of 14 can find it difficult to sit through a lengthy family meeting, so childcare arrangements are important. However, for larger family retreats, it can be a great idea to develop separate activities appropriate to children or teens, such as learning certain money skills, doing a group charitable project, or even just going on a hike together. Someday these cousins will be the adults running the family meetings themselves.
As we discussed in Chapter 6, many families grapple with the question of inviting spouses to a family meeting. Again, their inclusion should flow from the goals. If the goal is to share specific estate planning information, it may make sense for biological family members to meet first to decide together how to share information more broadly. If the goal concerns educating the rising generation, then naturally spouses should be present as key players in that work.
Another question that often arises is whether to have an outside facilitator. When just getting started and for more complex cases, a facilitator can make sense. When a family is facing a crisis, a facilitator may be invaluable. Many families also use a facilitator or consultant for their first few meetings and then gradually take over the reins. Families with whom we have worked for years may run their own quarterly or semiannual conference calls and ask us to facilitate an annual or biannual family meeting to help them “tune up” their relationships or learn new skills.
Time is another central element of family meetings. A meeting may take place for an afternoon, a day, a weekend, or several days. The length depends on the agenda, its complexity, and the size and dynamics of the family.
Often, families try to jam too much into one day, at the end of which members feel exhausted. If you have a lot to cover, we recommend splitting the material into two half-day agendas. You can meet from, say, 10 A.M. to 1 P.M. each day, with an afternoon and evening break between the two working sessions. This break gives individuals a chance to recharge and connect with each other informally. The break may also lead to insights or questions about the first day’s material that then can be addressed in the second day’s session.
Family meetings can help families in any stage of development. They are especially crucial during difficult transitions, which may include the sale of a business, a leadership succession, or the death or disability of key family members. Families who meet as a regular practice have a leg up in facing such challenges.
Regular family meetings also give families a chance to celebrate positive transitions. An annual meeting can include time to welcome new members of the family or to congratulate new parents. It can be an occasion to celebrate coming-of-age or promotions to leadership positions within the family enterprise. Making time for these celebrations shows everyone that this family pays attention to its key resource: its people.
The family’s current needs and state of development determines the frequency of meetings—quarterly, semiannually, or annually. Generally, when a family is just starting the process of meetings, it can make sense to meet every six months for a few times. Once things are up and running, an annual meeting may be enough. Frequency may also depend upon how often the family connects in between the meetings on a formal or informal basis.
Finally, timing within the meeting is crucial. Again, people overestimate how much they can absorb in one sitting. Good practice is for the family to take rest breaks frequently, ranging from mid-session coffee breaks to longer opportunities to walk, nap, or exercise.
Have you ever been at meetings where attendees were only half there or everyone talked over everyone else? A family meeting requires focus and attention to achieve its goals. Families need to take steps to make sure their most crucial assets—family members—are ready and able to meet effectively.
First, planning for childcare is often a crucial step in making all participants feel comfortable.
Second, it is important to keep in mind that different people learn in different ways:
Too many families also forget that a meeting should be just as much about listening as about talking. For example, many parents use family meetings to disclose information about their estate plans or holdings to their adult children. But that information comes with emotional weight. Make sure you always give people at a meeting a chance to process what they hear, and to react and respond.
Of all the elements needed for a successful family meeting, solid ground rules may be the most important. (See the sidebar on ground rules at end of chapter.) You may want to use some of your first family meeting to discuss and decide upon the ground rules for meeting together. It may seem strange to impose rules on a family event. Yet, as with any social etiquette or code of conduct, a healthy set of rules exists not to stifle love and care but to help us express them.
One thing every family should remember about ground rules is that, once adopted, they must be upheld. In the heat of a discussion, members will inevitably start to break the rules. What’s crucial is how the family responds. Having to stick to the rules just like everyone else offsets any sense of entitlement. The rules are living testimony that, although wealthy, the family acts responsibly and respectfully to all people.
Sometimes even with good ground rules, conflict arises in family meetings. In this case, it helps to have an outside facilitator to manage the conflict. Whether you have a facilitator with you or not, there are steps for dealing with conflict in a productive manner:
Family meetings are special events. Many families look back upon specific meetings as turning points in their development and attach special meaning to where these occurred. Often family retreats become part of the family’s collective memory and traditions. They should occur in special places.
Parental homes or offices often come with baggage. Meeting at home may encourage family members to fall back into old patterns of behavior, plus it may be intimidating to in-laws or to children less familiar with the location.
Gathering family members at a resort, a rented home, or a country club costs money that is well spent. Using the family’s resources for a meeting sends an important message to the family. It says, “We are here not just to grow the money but to grow ourselves, to grow together.”
The facilities should allow for recreation in addition to business. People work together most effectively when they feel good about themselves and each other.
Places for family retreats should be convenient to everyone who needs to attend. It is not fair to expect members to attend and then make attending a hassle. Other matters of convenience to keep in mind include:
Wise families recognize that a family meeting is not just about the content to cover. It is about the process, the place of the meeting and the memories it creates. A well-chosen and prepared environment can add immeasurably to the family’s comfort and productivity.