Kass
“This . . . hurts . . . like . . . HELL!” Kass screamed.
Kat squeezed her hand. “Just breathe, darling! In and out, in and out! Just like they taught you in Lamaze!” she said cheerfully.
“Screw Lamaze! I need some drugs, now! Where is the goddamned nurse?”
Kass saw a worried glance pass between her mother and Beau. The two of them had been at the hospital for the last few hours, along with Kyle and Benjy, who had taken Bree down to the cafeteria for a snack.
Kass’s due date wasn’t for another couple of weeks, so she’d been taken by surprise when she’d woken up this morning with weird cramping sensations in her belly. She’d waited them out, thinking they would go away, figuring it was just the pad thai, sour cream and onion potato chips, and three chocolate mini donuts she’d eaten for dinner last night. But by evening they’d gotten more intense, so she’d called Dr. Chen. Who’d told her to come in right away because she was likely in labor.
And now the cramps were pure agony. Like ferocious lions gnawing and ripping at her stomach muscles from the inside. Which sounded delusional. But she was delusional, from the incredible, mind-numbing, apocalyptic waves of pain that had become her entire universe.
Why didn’t someone tell her that childbirth was such torture? She would have taken an oath of celibacy a long, long time ago.
“Did I miss anything?” Kyle sauntered into the room, chugging a Red Bull.
“Where’s Benjy and Bree?” Kat asked her.
“Buying crap in the gift shop. Your stomach’s still ginormous, so I guess that the baby’s not here yet,” Kyle said to Kass.
“Fuck you, you little bitch,” Kass said testily.
“Our Kassidy’s a bit stressed right now,” Kat explained.
“Can I get you anything, honey? Some more ice chips?” Beau offered to Kass.
“No! Arggghhhhhh! It hurrrrrts!”
“Maybe I’d better just go and leave you ladies to this,” Beau whispered nervously to Kat.
“Okay, honey. Why don’t you try Kamille again? I left her a bunch of texts and voice-mail messages,” Kat whispered back.
“I heard that!” Kass yelled. “Kamille and I are no longer sisters, so please don’t call her anymore! If you people really want to help, call the goddamned doctor and tell her to give me some goddamned drugs. Now!”
“You know, sweetie pie, when I had you girls, I did it completely naturally,” Kat said in an infuriatingly calm voice. “Serenity, that was our midwife, and Rainbow, that was our doula—we used them for all three of you—really, really felt that the epidurals and so forth were counterproductive and not very good for the—”
Kass put her hands over her ears. Would her mother shut up about natural childbirth, already? Or just leave, so the doctors could come in with their high-tech arsenal of pharmaceuticals and knock Kass out cold? She could wake up, say, tomorrow morning, and they could just hand Annabella to her, all bundled up in a cozy receiving blanket and sleeping peacefully . . .
For a moment Kass desperately wished Kamille were here. They hadn’t spoken in months or even seen each other. Kamille had moved out of their house right after the wedding disaster. She’d gotten her own apartment in West Hollywood and was busy with her modeling career. Once in a while, late at night, Kass found herself Googling Kamille’s name. Various photos and stories would pop up with headlines like GETTING OVER CHASE, showing her at fancy, celebrity-studded events with different, homogenously cute guys—but no boyfriend.
Kamille hadn’t tried to contact Kass, not even once. She had even insisted on their splitting up the Sunday Night Dinners so they wouldn’t run into each other at the house. Kass had complied; what could she do, if Kamille hated her so much that she couldn’t even sit down at the dinner table with her? Even their birthdays, at the beginning and end of July, had been celebrated separately. It was like a divorce.
Kamille was—used to be—her best friend in the entire world. She was supposed to be here: holding Kass’s hand, talking her down, and navigating her through the crazy, hellish, impossible, wonderful (okay, well, maybe not so wonderful) journey of childbirth.
As for Chase . . . Kass had gotten several calls and e-mails from him, offering financial assistance for the baby. Kass hadn’t returned any of them. Maybe it was a nice gesture from a repentant asshole—or maybe it was another piece of sleight of hand. Or a way to keep her from pressing charges against him. Whatever. Kass wanted nothing to do with him ever again. She only hoped he would have the good sense to stay away from her and Annabella.
Another wave of pain. Kass screamed.
“Breathe, sweetheart,” her mother said encouragingly. “Picture something happy, like Coco and Chanel when they were puppies. And breathe!” She winced. “Mmm, yikes.”
“What is it?” Beau asked her, sounding concerned.
“Nothing. I, um . . . would you mind taking over for a sec, honey? I’m feeling a little queasy. I’m just going to step out for a bit and get some fresh air.”
“Do you want me to get the doctor, darlin’?”
“No, no, I’m fine! Really! Just be the labor coach for a bit, okay?”
“Uh, okay.”
Kass closed her eyes and tried to shut out the chattering voices—why was her mother acting like she was the patient suddenly, when Kass was the one who was dying here?—and picture the puppies. No. No good. All she could see was Chanel scarfing down an entire coffee cake when she was two months old and then throwing it up on Kass’s lap.
Which made her want to throw up right this second . . .
“Now, how does this labor-coach thing work?” Beau was asking Kyle. “I mean, should I tell her to breathe, or should I breathe with her, or should I get the nurse, or the doctor, or—”
“I only went to like one Lamaze class with her,” Kyle replied. “Yeah, the Candy Cane made us do all these breathing exercises, plus Kegels, too. You know, like, holding in your pee?”
“Holding in your . . . pee?” Beau said uncomfortably.
“Don’t you remember how to do this, Beau? From when Benjy and Bree were born?” Kyle asked him.
“Not really, sweetheart. I think I fainted with Benjy, and I might’ve fainted with Brianna, too.”
“Lame,” Kyle snorted.
“That is lame. Okay, you two, get the hell out of my way!”
Kass’s eyes snapped open.
She couldn’t believe it.
Kamille had come. She was standing in the doorway, looking impossibly gorgeous in a burgundy silk dress and black stiletto heels.
“Ohmigod, Kamille!” Kass tried to sit up, but she couldn’t. “You’re here! I’m so happy to see you! Ohmigod!” She began crying.
“Whatever. I was at a movie premiere at Mann’s, and I think Robert Pattinson was about to ask me out, so you’d better be grateful. How far apart are your contractions?”
Kass swiped her tears away. “Like every three minutes?”
“And how many centimeters are you?”
“The doctor said nine, almost ten.”
“Holy shit, he’s coming out any second now!”
“She. Kamille, I—”
“Shut the fuck up and breathe. Ready? Take my hand. Good! Now, breathe in . . . one, two, three, four . . .”
Alexander David Romero was born at 11:06 P.M. that night. He weighed seven pounds six ounces and was twenty-one inches tall. Kass would have to save the name Annabella Grace for the next one . . . if and when she was insane enough to go through the experience of childbirth again.
Alex was perfect. And beautiful. And brilliant—Kass could tell by the way his tiny, almost translucent eyelids would flicker at the sound of her voice, as though he could already separate her from the rest of the loud, bubbly female energy in the room. He would no doubt go to Princeton or Yale someday. Or maybe USC like his mom and his grandpa David, so he could be close by, and so Kass could do his laundry every week when he came over for Sunday Night Dinners. He also had long, slender fingers—so maybe he would be a surgeon? Or a concert pianist?
“Ohmigod, he’s so adorable!” Kamille said, for the hundredth time. “Can I hold him now, Kassie? Are you done holding him? Seriously, stop hogging, you are so selfish!”
“Kam, you just had him like a second ago,” Kass pointed out.
Bree waved her hand in the air. “Me, me, me! What about me? I’ve gotta start practicing for babysitting!”
“I think he wants to cuddle with his old grandpa,” Beau cooed. He leaned in and made a goofy face at Alex.
Benjy shook his head. “Nope, I think he wants his big brother. Besides, I only got to hold him once.”
Kyle stepped in front of Benjy. “This is so awesome, having a baby bro. I can’t wait to teach him how to—”
“No!” everyone said at once.
“I’m the grandma, so I get dibs,” Kat said, reaching for Alex. “Besides, none of you are holding him right. You have to support his head and neck with your arm—like this—because he doesn’t have any muscles back there yet,” she added, demonstrating.
Just then, Alex’s lips moved, and he made a tiny sputtering sound. There was a loud, adoring chorus of “awwwwwwww.”
Kass wondered if he was ready to nurse again. He seemed to want to nurse almost constantly. “I think he’s hungry. Do you guys think he’s hungry?” she said out loud.
“I don’t know. Put him on your boob and see what he does,” Kamille suggested.
“Make sure he latches on correctly, Kassidy. Like this, let me show you.” Kat started to unbutton her blouse.
“Mom! Gross!” Kyle grumbled.
“I think I’m gonna step out and grab a Coke,” Benjy said, making a beeline for the doorway. “Can I get anybody anything?”
“Yeah, son, I think I’ll join you. Let’s give the ladies a little privacy,” Beau agreed.
“Wait, Beau! You, too, Benjy!” Kat called out.
“Mom, pssssst,” Kamille said, pointing. Kat’s black lace bra and part of a nipple were still showing.
“What? Oh, big deal, there’s nothing here anyone hasn’t seen,” Kat said, buttoning up. “Anyway, I was going to wait to make the announcement, but since we’re all here . . . for the first time in a long time, I might add . . .”
Sniffling, she wrapped one arm around Kamille and the other arm around Kass, squeezing them in an awkward three-way hug. Four-way, including Alex, who had fallen asleep on Kass’s chest with milk dribbling down his chin and onto her toothpaste-green hospital gown. Kass was beginning to realize that parenting was going to be very messy, in more ways than one.
“So. I have some very happy news I want to share with everyone!” Kat went on.
Beau raised his eyebrows. “News? Do I know about this, sweetheart?”
“No, you don’t. I was waiting for the right time.”
“You’re selling the restaurant and moving to a retirement home in Florida to enjoy your golden years,” Kyle said with a straight face.
“Ha-ha, very funny. Actually, my news is . . . well, it’s very relevant to today, to the arrival of our precious, darling little Alex. Because . . . ta-da! Alex is going to have a new aunt or uncle!” Kat exclaimed, throwing up her arms exuberantly.
Kass frowned. A new aunt or uncle. What did that even mean? Did her father have secret, illegitimate children that no one knew about until now? Did Beau? Kass was too exhausted from hours and hours of labor to sort out their complicated family tree.
Wait. Labor. Childbirth. Was Kat saying . . .
“Mom, you’re not pregnant . . . are you?” Kass gasped.
Kat beamed. “I am! I’m three months along. The baby’s due next February.”
There was a stunned silence in the room. Then Alex woke up and began wailing. And everyone began talking at once.
“Mom, you’re joking, right?” Kamille said loudly, trying to be heard above Alex’s cries.
“Yeah, aren’t you, like, too old?” Kyle added.
“My friend Portia’s mom just had a baby, and she’s like fifty,” Bree said helpfully. “Portia said she did fertilizer treatments.”
Poor Beau looked as though he was in shock. “But, sweetheart . . . darlin’ . . . we didn’t . . . that, is, this wasn’t part of the . . . that is, how did this even . . .” His voice faltered.
Kat squeezed his hand. “I know we weren’t planning on this, honey. But it just happened. I think it was maybe that morning we got that call from Irvine, and we ended up spending most of the day in bed, remember? I think we forgot to put in the—”
“TMI!” Kyle and Benjy yelled at the same time.
“What call from Irvine?” Kass said curiously. She rocked Alex back and forth, trying to calm him down. But he only cried louder.
“It’s not important right now. That’s another conversation for another time. For now, we can just be happy about my—that is, Beau’s and my—baby news. Beau? Oh my gosh, Beau?”
But Beau had fainted. The top half of his body was draped awkwardly across the foot of Kass’s bed. Benjy rushed over and tried to prop him up. “A little help here?” he said, panting. “Jeez, Dad needs to go on a diet, like, immediately.”
Kamille leaned over to Kass. “Why does Mom always have to make it about her?” she whispered. “This is our day, our baby.”
Kass grinned. “Our baby?”
“Well, yeah. You didn’t think you were going to do this parenting thing alone, did you? I mean, you’re good at math and econ and all your other nerd subjects. But you totally suck at people stuff.”
“Gee, thanks, doll!”
“You’re welcome, doll! Here, give him to me.”
Without waiting for a reply, Kamille took Alex from Kass and readjusted his receiving blanket snugly. He snuffled and stopped crying. “See? He loves his aunt Kamille best. Don’t you love your aunt Kamille best? Your aunt Kamille rocks!” she said, nuzzling Alex’s nose.
Kass smiled wearily—she felt like she’d run a marathon—and leaned back against the pillows, taking in the scene around her. Kat and Benjy were trying to revive Beau, waving a bottle of hand sanitizer under his nose. Kyle was showing Bree how to change diapers, demonstrating with a linen dinner napkin and a blue “Congratulations on Your New Baby Boy!” teddy bear that she’d gotten in the gift store downstairs. Kamille was rocking Alex back and forth and singing “Express Yourself” to him lullaby-style, off-key.
Everything was back to normal again.